Six Ways to Support Kids Through Transitions

Plus: I'm running a 20% off TOTAL FALL CHAOS sale this week!

Given the craziness of mid-to-late October and the fact that I haven’t run a sale in a long while, I am running a TOTAL FALL CHAOS sale from now through Friday, October 25. Get 20% off paid subscriptions for a year, get access to nearly four years of my writing here, and support my family and my work. Here are some of my most popular recent paid essays, which you will be able to read:

The Epidemic of Male Loneliness

Domestic Inequality Starts in Childhood

My Take On "The Anxious Generation."

How Does Divorce Affect Kids?

Today I want to talk about what I do to support my kids through big transitions. I promise this isn’t yet another essay on divorce. It’s true that my divorce is a huge life transition my kids are currently navigating, but the strategies I’m going to share could be helpful for kids going through any big change: a transition to a new house, school, teacher, daycare, or friend group, or the loss or move of a friend or loved one.

Every kid is different, of course! So these six strategies may not be helpful for everyone. As always, trust your gut and your observations. But these approaches — which I gleaned from research and interviews with scientists and therapists — have helped my kids countless times.

1. Maintain (some) consistent routines.

I know, I know; consistency can be so hard to provide, especially if the transition is one you’re also navigating. So it’s important to keep in mind that maintaining a routine doesn’t require doing everything the same way each day or each week. But it can be helpful to try to keep at least a few things consistent.

My kids have a zany fall schedule full of new activities and teachers and they are now splitting time between two homes — it’s a lot of change at once. So I’m doing my best to provide predictability in the areas I can: by making them familiar dinners and maintaining a consistent bedtime routine. When kids have predictable things in their lives, they feel a sense of control, which can be powerful and reassuring when the other parts of their lives are in flux.

2. Give kids as much information as you can.

Because kids going through transitions often feel unsettled, it can help when we give them as much detail as we can about what to expect. Before my ex and I told our kids about our divorce, we made sure to have a temporary custody schedule in place and a general plan for how things would work, because we knew the kids would want to know as much as they could about what their next few months would entail. Of course, there were plenty of details we couldn’t yet provide — and we were honest when they asked questions we couldn’t answer, saying things like That’s something we don’t know yet, but we are working on it and will let you know as soon as we can.

Information sharing can be accomplished in many different ways. For kids transitioning to a new school, it might involve visiting the school a few times before the first day, or having playdates with future classmates. For kids starting new activities, it might involve watching a class beforehand and talking through exactly how the afternoon is likely to go — e.g. “I’ll pick you up from daycare, then we’ll drive together to the class while you eat your snack, and then I’ll walk you in and introduce you to your karate teacher.” Breaking things down in step-by-step fashion can feel reassuring for anxious kids who are unsure of what’s to come and how to feel about it.

3. Be patient when kids act out or mess up.

When kids are going through changes, they may act up more than usual and have outbursts and meltdowns. They may have big feelings about their transition — anxiety, for one — and those feelings sometimes get expressed in less than welcome ways. Of course, we can and should set expectations and limits on behavior, but I think it also helps to remind ourselves that “bad” behavior is absolutely normal when kids are struggling. And often, it’s temporary.

The other thing kids often do when they’re overwhelmed is that they forget things or make more mistakes than usual. My 13-year-old has lost three sweatshirts over the past month, leaving them on soccer fields and school buses and god knows where else. I have been more than a little annoyed. But I also recognize that his life is more than a little chaotic right now and that something’s got to give. Apparently, that something is outerwear.

It can be hard to stay calm and patient in these situations, especially when we’re stressed or tired. For more on how to handle kid misbehavior, check out my previous newsletters on what to do when kids hit, what to do when kids are rude, and how to manage power struggles.

4. Let kids regress.

I talked in strategy #1 about the fact that kids crave predictability, familiarity and the feeling of being in control. One thing that provides all three of these things is regressive behavior. Regression involves kids doing things they have developmentally outgrown. It might look like a preschooler demanding their old pacifier or wanting to be picked up, a third grader looking back through their old board books, or a middle schooler re-watching a TV show they loved four years ago.

Kids may regress for many reasons. Sometimes it’s because regressive behavior garners them extra parental attention (I’m looking at you, kids who incessantly demand to be picked up); other times it’s because the regression gives them a sense of comfort and control. Although regressions can be unwelcome — why the heck is my kid doing this annoying thing I thought they outgrew?! — experts generally recommend allowing it. But you can always set limits on what types of regression you allow and to what degree. You don’t, for instance, need to allow your kid to sleep in bed with you every night just because they want to. Here’s an article I wrote for The New York Times about regression and how to handle it.

5. Try to be available when kids want to connect.

My kids are tweens and teens, and they are typically only interested in connecting with me on their terms. I’ve found that I need to pay attention in order to pick up on opportunities for conversation and connection. My son often reaches out in the middle of the evening, after I’ve cleaned up dinner. He’ll start wandering aimlessly around the house, and if I catch him, he’s more than happy to start a conversation about what’s going on in his life. My daughter often likes to cuddle and talk right before her bedtime, which I sometimes don’t love — you need to go to bed, kiddo! — but if I don’t take advantage of these opportunities sometimes, I don’t get to hear how they’re doing or offer my support. So I try to keep my antennae up and make time and space for them when I sense they need it.

6. Have compassion for yourself.

I’ll admit, these strategies can be time-consuming and emotionally demanding. And we aren’t always going to have the resources on hand to manage our kids the way we wish we could. When dealing with struggling children — especially when we are struggling ourselves — we are bound to “mess up.” To snap at our kids, shut down potential opportunities for connection, forget to walk them through things, etc. This doesn’t mean we’re bad parents or that we’re failing our kids. Remember that every so-called “mistake” is an opportunity — an opportunity to show our kids that we’re human, to model accountability, and to become curious about our own needs and whether they are being met. For more on how to practice self-compassion, read this Q&A.