What to Do When Your Kid Is Rude
They went there. Now what?
I don’t know about your kids, but mine aren’t always polite little angels. I’ve written about some of my darlings’ obnoxious shenanigans before, including in The New York Times, and I’m sure some people enjoyed the schadenfreude: “Author of book on how not to raise assholes raises assholes.” I’m actually kind of surprised they didn’t run that on the Fox News ticker tape. (Fox News hasn't appreciated some of my New York Times parenting advice.) Then again, I don’t watch Fox News, so maybe they did.
I have some good news for you, though: Rudeness is not a sign that you are raising assholes. Rudeness can, in fact, be a sign of something good: That your child feels comfortable and safe with you. That is definitely something to celebrate, if you can ignore their eyerolls and rude gestures for long enough to pat yourself on the back.
Still, yeah, rudeness sucks. And it can be hard to know how to react in the moment. Should you scream at them? Punish them? Be rude back? Tell them they’ve made you sad? Pound a THC seltzer?
There is, of course, no one right answer to this question. Anyone who tells you otherwise is probably trying to sell you something. We know from the research that there are a range of constructive ways to handle unsavory kid behavior.
Still, I know that sometimes, it can be useful to hear specific suggestions. So here are mine.
Try to stay calm.
Sometimes, parents gonna yell. And that’s fine. (Just take responsibility and apologize for it later.) But if you can stay calm, that’s typically the best approach. Our anger will only make our kids more upset and make it harder for them to connect and listen to what we have to say.
How can you stay chill, you ask? Remind yourself that your child is struggling. They are likely upset because of something that just happened — perhaps you made a request or set a limit that frustrated them, like “marshmallows are no longer allowed in the microwave” (been there, done that) — and their rudeness is a reflection of that feeling.
Remember, too, that kids lack impulse control. We can fantasize about snapping at our bosses when they call unexpected lunch meetings, but usually, we are able to hold our tongues. Kids, on the other hand, will let the vitriol come spewing out because of their underdeveloped prefrontal cortices.
Consider, too, that kids lack autonomy — adults are always telling them what to do — and that being rude or sassy feels like a way to gain a bit of control. I’m not saying you should let them off the hook for their obnoxiousness, but reminding yourself of these things in the moment could keep you from flying off the handle.
Reflect their feelings back to them.
Because kids are often rude because they’re upset, the first step to supporting them is to acknowledge their feelings: “Yeah, I don’t really like cleaning up, either” or “I get that melted marshmallows are delicious and you are mad you can’t have one for dinner.”
This approach is helpful because it shows your kid that you get it — that you understand that what they’re going through is hard. Then, they will be less defensive and more able to listen to what you say next.
Let them know their rudeness crosses a line.
As developmental psychologist Aliza Pressman — you may recognize her name from last week’s free newsletter — has said, “All feelings are welcome; all behaviors are not.”
When your child is rude to you, you have options. After acknowledging their feelings, calmly communicate that their rudeness isn’t okay. This doesn’t mean you need to yell, “THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE!” and send them to their room; there are many more measured ways to do this. It can be as simple as, “I know you’re really upset, but you can’t talk to me that way.”
One idea, which comes from psychologist Lisa Damour, is to give kids a menu of behavior options: “You can either be friendly, you can tell me what’s wrong while being civil, or you can let me know you need space.”
Another approach of Damour’s that I love is giving kids the option of a do-over. You could say, “Would you like to try that again?” or “Let’s start this conversation over, shall we?” Often, Damour explains, kids regret their rude words as as soon as they’re out — and they welcome a second chance.
A theme you may be noticing here is giving kids options. As I mentioned earlier, kids crave autonomy and are often much more pleasant when they have some. If your kid talks back to you when you ask her to clean her room, you can communicate that she crossed a line and then give her some choices: “You can clean your room now, or you can clean it after dinner.” Or, “You can clean your room or you can fold the laundry. You pick!” The more independence our kids feel they have, the more willing they will be to work with us.
What are your go-to strategies for handling rudeness? Share in the comments!
My Top Three Books for Managing Rudeness and Power Struggles
If you’re looking for more help in this area, here are my three favorite books for managing kids’ feelings and demands.