The Unexpected Paths to Connection

When bonding with kids requires thinking outside the box.

My two kids couldn’t be more different in the ways in which they like to connect with me. My 10-year-old daughter is verbally and physically affectionate and emotionally communicative — she tells me she loves me, asks for snuggles, discusses in detail exactly how she feels and why, and regularly asks me probing questions. (But god forbid I ever touch her in public.)

I’m grateful for my daughter’s emotional availability, because I feel like I always know how she’s doing and where we stand. I suspect that this will change as she edges towards becoming a teenager, but it’s really nice right now.

My 13-year-old son is a different story. When I ask questions, I often get one-word answers. When he does open up, it’s rarely about feelings. I know that this is “normal,” in the sense that boys are socialized to do this and many do, but I also know that it’s not particularly healthy, so sometimes it worries me.

Yet what I’m learning is that connection comes in many forms. Sure, I wish my son would talk to me about how he feels — but his avoidance of these kinds of conversations doesn’t mean we can’t share any emotional intimacy at all. I’m realizing that if I open my mind a little and pay attention, I can discover new ways for connection to happen.