How Does Divorce Affect Kids?

What the research really says — and what I'm seeing so far in my son and daughter.

Over the past six months, I spent many, many hours reflecting on whether I wanted to stay married. Of course, once you’re a parent, that decision — any big life decision — is so much bigger than you. I can’t tell you how many times I said to myself, “but the kids.” I was terrified that breaking up would destroy them. I was scared they would blame themselves or never forgive us. (I’ll give an update on what I’m actually observing in a minute.) I know a number of divorce-curious parents who have stopped themselves from seriously considering ending their marriages because they, too, don’t want to hurt their kids.

These concerns are predicated on a pretty big assumption: That divorce is uniformly bad for children. Certainly, this is what we’ve all been told. And there’s no question that for many kids — mine included — parental divorce is a difficult and painful experience, at least initially. But what about over the long-term? Are our cultural beliefs about divorce and its pernicious effects on kids rooted in evidence or myth?

When we feel inclined to sacrifice our well-being because of our assumptions, I think it’s worth taking a close look at them.