Do We Need a Children's Bill of Rights?
It's common in divorce, but every kind of family might benefit.
As most of you know, I’ve recently separated from my kids’ dad. My ex and I have, thankfully, been getting along well and we’re now approaching the end of the mediation process. Our mediator just sent us a first draft of our separation agreement, which I was reading through last week.
It’s very strange to read a legal document outlining relationship and parental expectations. Separation and divorce agreements lay out such specific instructions, when parental decisions are typically so fluid! But I have appreciated that this process has required my ex and I to carefully think through our parenting priorities and enter into extended discussions about what we expect and want for our children. Frankly, it’s something that I think all parents could benefit from, even if they are happily partnered.
One particular part of the agreement stood out to me as I was reading through it the other day. It really made me think and reflect, and I thought I’d share it here today.
It reads:
Recognizing that the single most important factor in the Children's well-being comes from their insulation from any marital conflict, the Parents each agree to foster a feeling of respect and affection between the Children and the other parent, and neither shall say or do, or express through tone or gesture, anything that may expose the Children to any conflict, negativity, or disagreement on issues between the Parents, or which may hamper the free development of the Children’s love, affection, and respect for the other parent.
The Parents agree that, in parenting their Children, they will be guided by the principles of the Children's Bill of Rights, as follows:
o The right not to be asked to "choose sides" between the Parents.
o The right not to be told the details of fights between the Parents.
o The right not to be told "bad things" about the other Parent's personality or character.
o The right to privacy when communicating with either Parent.
o The right not to be cross-examined by one Parent after spending time with the other
Parent.
o The right not to be a messenger from one Parent to the other.
o The right not to be asked by one Parent to tell the other Parent untruths.
o The right not to be used as a confidant regarding the difficult issues between the
Parents.
o The right to express feelings, whatever those feelings may be, or to choose not to
express certain feelings.
o The right not to be made to feel guilty for loving both Parents, and for developing a
loving relationship with a new partner of either Parent.
I’ll be honest: I have no idea where this “Bill of Rights” originally came from, but in my understanding, something like this is typically included in divorce agreements. I think that the sentiments described here are important and meaningful, with a few caveats. It’s true that, according to the research, what matters most for children’s well-being — far more than whether or not parents stay married or get divorced — is whether or not they are regularly exposed to harmful forms of conflict. If parents are nasty to each other in front of their kids, for instance if there’s verbal or physical aggression, stonewalling, or hostility, or if kids are asked to take sides, children tend to suffer.
This doesn’t mean, however, parents should never express conflicting opinions or work through disagreements in front of their kids. Studies suggest that when kids are exposed to constructive conflict, which includes cooperation and problem solving, kids fare well — and when parents model healthy conflict resolution, it likely helps kids learn to do the same. As you know, I’m generally not a fan of shielding kids entirely from the difficult aspects of life, but there are, of course, more and less constructive ways to do it.
That said, if you do occasionally fight in less-than-constructive ways in front of your kids (I mean, who doesn’t?), they’re not doomed. We’re all going to make mistakes from time to time and that’s okay! What matters most are the patterns kids are exposed to over time. And occasional mistakes are opportunities for reflection and, often, useful conversations with our kids about our values.
Still, the point remains: Kids are affected by ongoing destructive parental conflict, and this conflict can occur whether parents are married or divorced. So a Children’s Bill of Rights could be useful for all parents, partnered or not, in helping them remember what’s truly important for their kids.
If you’re concerned about the conflict you’re experiencing with a co-parent, I highly recommend subscribing to
by psychologist Yael Schonbrun, who’s a friend of mine. Among other things, she’s written about constructive ways to navigate disagreements and approach confrontation. Couples therapy can also be incredibly helpful. And for those of you who want to learn more about separation or divorce, you can typically schedule free brief consultations with divorce lawyers, who will offer their advice.What are your thoughts on this Children’s Bill of Rights? Share in the comments!
I love the clarity and how it names so many things that often happen when kids are shuffling from one house to another.
For older kids ( tweens/teens), would this ever include the right to have their own preferences about which parent they stay with more or how often they switch between homes heard and considered?
This is a great example! I've been divorced for almost five years now and I think one reason our kids have fared reasonably well is that their dad and I implicitly agreed to these principles, although they were never stated in an agreement like this (what a good idea!)