I think about this ALL THE TIME. As in, what would it be like to live a life you didn't so desperately need a break from (or escape from) in the first place? There was recently a NYT article talking about how after coming back from vacation, it can actually exacerbate burnout because you realize how depleted you had been. Burnout in the workplace, parenting space, and most other places seems really really really high (as in I feel like I don't know anyone who doesn't seem constantly stressed, parent and non-parent alike).
I once read that burnout doesn't happen just because you have too much work. It also happens when the amount of work you have exceeds your capacity to care about it. I think in work and in life, we have a lot of obligations that can be draining and aren't going away, so if we don't also have things that bring us some regular joy and give us some energy, it's easy to get ground down.
I regularly try to do energy audits for myself. I ask questions like "Does this activity give me energy or drain me? Does this person give me energy or drain me?" Again sometimes we HAVE to do the draining things, but it's then important to find energy giving things to fill that deficit. It's also helpful to ask "Do I actually HAVE to do this thing I find incredibly draining? If so, is there a way I can get some help?"
I never used to understand staycations until my 30s. Now they are some of my favorite ways to take time off.
I see many of my friends traveling with their young kids (I have an 18month old) and they talk about how stressful it is. They often say the stress is worth it, but to me, I need my PTO to calm my own nervous system.
The hands-down best gift the entire pandemic gave me was when I got Covid 2 days before we were supposed to leave for Thanksgiving 2022. So my husband and kids left without me. And I laid around, in my house, for several days on end.
Despite not having Covid at every family holiday, I often either stay home (for quicker trips) or leave later (Thanksgiving) than the 3 of them. And it's magic.
Also - YES to the "does it have to be terrible?" question.
This morning I was sorting through with my kids who wants to go to which day of the more affordable art & music camp I did a decent amount of work to get them into. I landed on a path forward I'm calling "Shrug and Surrender." The details don't matter, but I do have some flexibility and I believe in what I heard described as Unhurried Time (maybe by Kate DiCamillo on a recent episode of the excellent podcast The Book Case about inspiring kids to read: https://open.spotify.com/episode/1vcIf5IAehUtVV15i6Q6Co?si=7481cf29e7db40bc), so I'm giving up any kind of 'productivity struggle' for Summer 2024. I'll get my work done, I'll move my novel-in-progress forward. But I won't win any prizes.
My completely unscientific opinion: Things "elite" students should be doing to make the most of their time off: sleeping in, being bored, spending time outside, reading, writing, drawing, ....
I wish my daughter was able to do more of this right now, but she's young enough that we are sending her to camps so we can work during the day. But in the future, I expect we'll scale back on camps and give her more time to be bored during the summers and time for her to explore and see what she really loves doing.
I completely agree that we should be aiming for more balance overall during the year, instead of placing a lot of expectations on a particular time of year or trip. I think our family has been doing a pretty good job of this since COVID, which I'm grateful for. We do have things that we can only do during the summer that we look forward to (camping, going neighborhood pool), but we try to do fun things during every season if we can.
I feel this so strongly. Why do we hold ourselves back so much during the year only to pour it all into this one season? And talk about the pressure of doing that!
I think the increased cost of everything also exacerbates this feeling. The trip to a mid-level all inclusive resort had a lot less riding on it when it didn't cost the equivalent of a used car. For today's prices it had damn well better solve all my problems!
I am astounded at how much our trips end up costing. I am more established in my career so can afford to start adding some splurges but even at baseline tickets + hotels is EXPENSIVE. I now totally understand why my family rarely vacationed growing up.
Yes, yes, yes. As much for me as for my kids -- I think of this as starting with every day not needing to be so fully optimized, over planned. How can I be more spontaneous and lower my own expectations for to-do so I can meaningfully make time for more wandering, exploring, and inventing? Summer is a good time to reflect on this because of its' escape-heavy connotations (esp bc I live in the heat Texas which so many ppl want to escape in the summer). I love your perspective -- This is a good topic to come back to regularly.... ANd perhaps it's the optimizer in me that thinks -- if this is a goal, how do I make it happen? I have to be mindful of it like my other goals. (Am I getting sucked back into a cycle where if I dont do this, then I let myself down? Ha! Maybe its about more grace, more self-compassion in the first place.)
My summers growing up consisted of sleeping in, playing with neighborhood kids at the pool for a couple hours a day, then coming home, eating lunch, watching tv/ playing video games/ reading/ hanging out with friends. Somehow despite our lack of camps and extensive enrichment activities and unrestricted screen time, we all ended up getting a PhD and landing good jobs. Maybe the kids will be all right?
That said, I do wish my parents had made us take more vacations, since I do remember the few that we took well. My parents blame us, saying we never wanted to go anywhere, but my dad always wanted a rigid schedule and never took us anywhere really well known. (No Disney, NYC, Chicago, LA, SF, FL beaches, Hawaii, famous national parks, etc. Instead we went to New Orleans, Chattanooga, Colorado Springs, and to visit family)
This is the "use the good china" idea and I am all for it! It's hard because you have to figure out what the good china is for yourself and your family and be confident, even if it doesn't look like other family's.
Thanks Melinda for another thought provoking post. I feel the optimisation culture you speak of has a lot to answer for and I know our family unit of three often struggle with it. The need to cater to every family members’ needs and (internal/external) motivations can at times be exhausting and overwhelming.
Last week my father died after a seven month battle with lung cancer. We held his funeral earlier in the week. My son and I returned to Sydney over a fortnight ago, at the start of my son’s summer holidays, from overseas to be with dad. One of many trips we’ve done during holidays to see him. I think the reason why this post resonated with me, separate to the emotions of grief, was the question around what a “holiday” should be.
Our family has a busy life. My son is fortunate to go to a great international school where the schedule is mostly balanced and while we look to encourage him to take on additional pursuits there comes a time when all he wants to do is collapse into a heap on the couch and watch Bluey or Clone Wars on repeat.
But the first part of my son’s summer holiday has been far from fun or relaxing. He’s said his final goodbyes to his grandfather, watched family members deal with grief in their own way, seen me be physically and at times emotionally not present, while I’ve talked with ICU and palliative care staff, organised a funeral and worked the WhatsApp group chats to inform family/friends.
Dad’s passing has led me to reflect of our father-son relationship and then consider what should be replicated or enhanced for my relationship with my son. I guess what I’ve realised out of this whole ordeal is that kids are resilient and as long as they have people around them who care, listen, and hold them, they should be, for the most part, ok. (I hope!)
As we embark on a return to routine and reality, I’m already looking at what school camps are available for the mid-portion of the summer holidays, before my wife and I can take “actual leave” for a “proper summer holiday”. I know I’m writing from a position of immense privilege where I could travel to see my dad, bring my son with me, and can rationalise financial decisions to put him into camps so I can go back to work. But this episode has reminded me about the values our family unit prioritises and we’ll try as inelegantly and imperfectly to see if we can focus/shape our summer holiday so that everyone can get some of what they want.
I'm so sorry for your loss, Andrew. What you wrote -"kids are resilient and as long as they have people around them who care, listen, and hold them" - is very true: relationships play a HUGE role in resilience. You're making such a difference to your son in being there for him as he mourns the loss of his grandfather. I hope you can find some peace and joy the rest of this summer. Sending hugs.
What I've seen from a couple decades in education is that there are a few people who have flights booked the day after school ends and max out the whole summer off by traveling the world, but most of the rest of us just enjoy some slower time during the summer and that pace is genuinely refreshing for teachers who have intense jobs that involve a LOT of relationship management during the school year.
I've also noticed that some of the folks (sometimes especially those with kids, or folks who struggle with unstructured time) really dread the summer breaks.
Oh my god yes. You've put my weird feelings about having a "spectacular" summer or vacation in general into words. I think it all comes down to managing your expectations and be honest with yourself. If you really need an optimal trip because your everyday is anything but great, that should ring a lot of alarm bells... It should be a surplus to an overall enjoyable life. I think this is part of a western problem of life and culture. Raising kids, taking care of the house /flat and working shouldn't be so hard we make it to be.
I think about this ALL THE TIME. As in, what would it be like to live a life you didn't so desperately need a break from (or escape from) in the first place? There was recently a NYT article talking about how after coming back from vacation, it can actually exacerbate burnout because you realize how depleted you had been. Burnout in the workplace, parenting space, and most other places seems really really really high (as in I feel like I don't know anyone who doesn't seem constantly stressed, parent and non-parent alike).
I once read that burnout doesn't happen just because you have too much work. It also happens when the amount of work you have exceeds your capacity to care about it. I think in work and in life, we have a lot of obligations that can be draining and aren't going away, so if we don't also have things that bring us some regular joy and give us some energy, it's easy to get ground down.
I regularly try to do energy audits for myself. I ask questions like "Does this activity give me energy or drain me? Does this person give me energy or drain me?" Again sometimes we HAVE to do the draining things, but it's then important to find energy giving things to fill that deficit. It's also helpful to ask "Do I actually HAVE to do this thing I find incredibly draining? If so, is there a way I can get some help?"
I read that NYT piece after coming back from an atrocious vacation. Starting to wonder why go at all!
I never used to understand staycations until my 30s. Now they are some of my favorite ways to take time off.
I see many of my friends traveling with their young kids (I have an 18month old) and they talk about how stressful it is. They often say the stress is worth it, but to me, I need my PTO to calm my own nervous system.
The hands-down best gift the entire pandemic gave me was when I got Covid 2 days before we were supposed to leave for Thanksgiving 2022. So my husband and kids left without me. And I laid around, in my house, for several days on end.
Despite not having Covid at every family holiday, I often either stay home (for quicker trips) or leave later (Thanksgiving) than the 3 of them. And it's magic.
Also - YES to the "does it have to be terrible?" question.
This morning I was sorting through with my kids who wants to go to which day of the more affordable art & music camp I did a decent amount of work to get them into. I landed on a path forward I'm calling "Shrug and Surrender." The details don't matter, but I do have some flexibility and I believe in what I heard described as Unhurried Time (maybe by Kate DiCamillo on a recent episode of the excellent podcast The Book Case about inspiring kids to read: https://open.spotify.com/episode/1vcIf5IAehUtVV15i6Q6Co?si=7481cf29e7db40bc), so I'm giving up any kind of 'productivity struggle' for Summer 2024. I'll get my work done, I'll move my novel-in-progress forward. But I won't win any prizes.
My completely unscientific opinion: Things "elite" students should be doing to make the most of their time off: sleeping in, being bored, spending time outside, reading, writing, drawing, ....
I wish my daughter was able to do more of this right now, but she's young enough that we are sending her to camps so we can work during the day. But in the future, I expect we'll scale back on camps and give her more time to be bored during the summers and time for her to explore and see what she really loves doing.
I completely agree that we should be aiming for more balance overall during the year, instead of placing a lot of expectations on a particular time of year or trip. I think our family has been doing a pretty good job of this since COVID, which I'm grateful for. We do have things that we can only do during the summer that we look forward to (camping, going neighborhood pool), but we try to do fun things during every season if we can.
I feel this so strongly. Why do we hold ourselves back so much during the year only to pour it all into this one season? And talk about the pressure of doing that!
I think the increased cost of everything also exacerbates this feeling. The trip to a mid-level all inclusive resort had a lot less riding on it when it didn't cost the equivalent of a used car. For today's prices it had damn well better solve all my problems!
I am astounded at how much our trips end up costing. I am more established in my career so can afford to start adding some splurges but even at baseline tickets + hotels is EXPENSIVE. I now totally understand why my family rarely vacationed growing up.
Yes, yes, yes. As much for me as for my kids -- I think of this as starting with every day not needing to be so fully optimized, over planned. How can I be more spontaneous and lower my own expectations for to-do so I can meaningfully make time for more wandering, exploring, and inventing? Summer is a good time to reflect on this because of its' escape-heavy connotations (esp bc I live in the heat Texas which so many ppl want to escape in the summer). I love your perspective -- This is a good topic to come back to regularly.... ANd perhaps it's the optimizer in me that thinks -- if this is a goal, how do I make it happen? I have to be mindful of it like my other goals. (Am I getting sucked back into a cycle where if I dont do this, then I let myself down? Ha! Maybe its about more grace, more self-compassion in the first place.)
My summers growing up consisted of sleeping in, playing with neighborhood kids at the pool for a couple hours a day, then coming home, eating lunch, watching tv/ playing video games/ reading/ hanging out with friends. Somehow despite our lack of camps and extensive enrichment activities and unrestricted screen time, we all ended up getting a PhD and landing good jobs. Maybe the kids will be all right?
That said, I do wish my parents had made us take more vacations, since I do remember the few that we took well. My parents blame us, saying we never wanted to go anywhere, but my dad always wanted a rigid schedule and never took us anywhere really well known. (No Disney, NYC, Chicago, LA, SF, FL beaches, Hawaii, famous national parks, etc. Instead we went to New Orleans, Chattanooga, Colorado Springs, and to visit family)
This is the "use the good china" idea and I am all for it! It's hard because you have to figure out what the good china is for yourself and your family and be confident, even if it doesn't look like other family's.
Thanks Melinda for another thought provoking post. I feel the optimisation culture you speak of has a lot to answer for and I know our family unit of three often struggle with it. The need to cater to every family members’ needs and (internal/external) motivations can at times be exhausting and overwhelming.
Last week my father died after a seven month battle with lung cancer. We held his funeral earlier in the week. My son and I returned to Sydney over a fortnight ago, at the start of my son’s summer holidays, from overseas to be with dad. One of many trips we’ve done during holidays to see him. I think the reason why this post resonated with me, separate to the emotions of grief, was the question around what a “holiday” should be.
Our family has a busy life. My son is fortunate to go to a great international school where the schedule is mostly balanced and while we look to encourage him to take on additional pursuits there comes a time when all he wants to do is collapse into a heap on the couch and watch Bluey or Clone Wars on repeat.
But the first part of my son’s summer holiday has been far from fun or relaxing. He’s said his final goodbyes to his grandfather, watched family members deal with grief in their own way, seen me be physically and at times emotionally not present, while I’ve talked with ICU and palliative care staff, organised a funeral and worked the WhatsApp group chats to inform family/friends.
Dad’s passing has led me to reflect of our father-son relationship and then consider what should be replicated or enhanced for my relationship with my son. I guess what I’ve realised out of this whole ordeal is that kids are resilient and as long as they have people around them who care, listen, and hold them, they should be, for the most part, ok. (I hope!)
As we embark on a return to routine and reality, I’m already looking at what school camps are available for the mid-portion of the summer holidays, before my wife and I can take “actual leave” for a “proper summer holiday”. I know I’m writing from a position of immense privilege where I could travel to see my dad, bring my son with me, and can rationalise financial decisions to put him into camps so I can go back to work. But this episode has reminded me about the values our family unit prioritises and we’ll try as inelegantly and imperfectly to see if we can focus/shape our summer holiday so that everyone can get some of what they want.
I'm so sorry for your loss, Andrew. What you wrote -"kids are resilient and as long as they have people around them who care, listen, and hold them" - is very true: relationships play a HUGE role in resilience. You're making such a difference to your son in being there for him as he mourns the loss of his grandfather. I hope you can find some peace and joy the rest of this summer. Sending hugs.
I couldn't agree more! I wrote a blogpost recently about how sad it is that kids feel camp is the fun they want to have instead of their lives being full of fun......wonder if this resonates with you. https://www.natashagill.net/blog/pushing-the-drug-embracing-the-withdrawal-is-this-really-the-cure-to-childrens-unhappiness
What I've seen from a couple decades in education is that there are a few people who have flights booked the day after school ends and max out the whole summer off by traveling the world, but most of the rest of us just enjoy some slower time during the summer and that pace is genuinely refreshing for teachers who have intense jobs that involve a LOT of relationship management during the school year.
I've also noticed that some of the folks (sometimes especially those with kids, or folks who struggle with unstructured time) really dread the summer breaks.
Anyway, is no one going to talk about ALL FOURS?
Oh my god yes. You've put my weird feelings about having a "spectacular" summer or vacation in general into words. I think it all comes down to managing your expectations and be honest with yourself. If you really need an optimal trip because your everyday is anything but great, that should ring a lot of alarm bells... It should be a surplus to an overall enjoyable life. I think this is part of a western problem of life and culture. Raising kids, taking care of the house /flat and working shouldn't be so hard we make it to be.