Three Parenting Insights from "The Bear"

I was nodding along vigorously.

Greetings, everyone! I have finally emerged from underneath my book manuscript (it is IN!) and now I’m slowly catching up on allllllll the things I neglected to do when I was scrambling to finish it.

For instance, I am now coherent enough to announce the winner of my June book giveaway for paid subscribers: Lander Cooney! I’ll be sending Lander a copy of Ruth Whippman's BoyMom and Elissa Strauss's When You Care. Hooray!

Another thing I have time to do again is watch TV. I am one-third of the way through Season 3 of The Bear and really enjoying it — I love cooking and good food and it’s been a fun (albeit stressful!) series to watch to get a sense of what life is like in the restaurant industry. (But I also know it’s not totally accurate.)

I didn’t watch The Bear for its parent-related commentary, but at three separate points in the episodes I’ve watched so far, I found myself nodding along as the characters made timely, important points about modern parenting. I’m sharing them today because I thought you might appreciate them, too.

I’ll warn you, these do contain plot-related spoilers, so if you haven’t seen sSeasons 2 or 3 yet and you don’t want to know anything about what happens, you may want to skip this newsletter. (That said, these scenes only go through Season 3 episode 3.) Also, I want to say a big thank you to my good friend and entertainment ninja Bernard Bunye for helping me figure out when each of these these scenes occurred in the series, because of course I didn’t write them down at the time and my brain is a sieve.

Here we go, in order of their appearance:

1. “I’d protect them less. Yeah, I’d want them to have more fun, make more mistakes, get into more fucking trouble.”

When this scene appeared in Season 2 (here’s a YouTube clip of it), episode 3 (“Bolognese”,) I got SO EXCITED I almost fell out of my seat. I was like YES! YES! THIS! OMG! I hope the whole world listens to this!

The scene takes place in Jimmy’s car. Out of the blue, Natalie asks Jimmy for parenting advice:

Natalie: If you were to have kids all over again, what would you do?

Jimmy: Oh, honey, I wouldn’t have them.

Natalie: Alright.

Jimmy: You know, Nat, what would I do… I’d want them to be not so fucking afraid of things, you know? I’d protect them less. Yeah. I’d want them to have more fun, make more mistakes, get into more fucking trouble. I don’t know how to do it, but that. That’s what I’d do.

I’ve written before about the ways in which overprotective parenting can backfire, and based on this particular scene, it appears that “Uncle” Jimmy Cicero has some misgivings about how much he shielded his own kids.

I think this is advice we can all stand to hear. The pressure on parents today to protect kids from obstacles, pain and healthy risk is so strong — but it’s not helpful. Let’s all push back against it and try to let our kids have fun, make mistakes, and get into trouble. I mean, up to a point, anyway. This is how they learn!

Source: FX

2. “Just wrestling with what it's going to be like bringing a child into this never-ending hellfire of a planet.”

Here’s a scene that succinctly and beautifully captures our modern-day parenting dilemma. It’s in Season 2, episode 5 (“Pop"), and the scene happened so fast, I almost missed it the first time around.

In it, Natalie checks in on a restaurant worker — not a series regular — and then briefly but powerfully shares what’s on her mind:

Natalie: Need anything?

Worker: Nope. And you?

Natalie: No… Just wrestling with what it's going to be like bringing a child into this never-ending hellfire of a planet.

Worker: Sounds good.

Natalie: Sounds good.

I love this exchange for a number of reasons. First, the offhand nature of Natalie’s comment to a mere acquaintance illustrates that her anxiety about bringing a child into this world is with her almost constantly — it’s become so deeply embedded in her identity and reality that she drops it in casual conversation with people she doesn’t even know. Even better, the worker’s nonchalant reply seems to suggest that he knows exactly what she’s talking about and thinks about it, too. Oh, yeah, that. Yupppp.

I also love this comment because it captures the precise sentiment that inspired my upcoming book HELLO CRUEL WORLD. Are our kids going to be okay? What can we do to raise them so they not only survive, but also thrive, in this broken and complicated world? I think it’s a question we all carry with us, even if we’re not consciously aware of it.

3. “I don’t know what it’s like to be a parent, but I know what it’s like to be a kid. And having someone actually really pay attention to you — that was really special.”

Oh, this scene…. THIS SCENE. There were tears. It’s from Season 3, episode 3 (“Doors”), and takes place during Marcus’s eulogy for his mother at her funeral. He says a lot of beautiful and poignant things, but I’m going to highlight this brief part towards the end:

Marcus: I always felt loved. I didn’t matter what was going on or if I was in trouble or whatever. I knew she was listening. And she knew I was listening, too.

Then:

Marcus: I don’t know what it’s like to be a parent, but I know what it’s like to be a kid. And having someone actually really pay attention to you — that was really special. 

His comments here highlight what I see as among the most important things we should strive to do as parents: Make our kids feel loved and heard. There’s plenty of research to back this up, too — kids who feel unconditionally loved and listened to feel better about themselves, have higher self-esteem, are more academically engaged, and have better mental health, among other things. This doesn’t mean we can’t or shouldn’t have rules or limits or our own opinions — but we should make space for our kids’ feelings, ideas and perspectives, too.

I haven’t finished Season 3, but I bet there are more parenting-related insights to come. (And there are a lot of dysfunctional parent-child dynamics in the show, too.) What about you — do you have any favorite parenting-related moments from The Bear or other shows you’ve seen recently? Share in the comments!

Also! I’m a guest this week on the Rethinking Wellness podcast with

Christy Harrison, MPH, RD

— we talked about social media, digital technology, and The Anxious Generation. Don’t miss it!

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