Rules and Relationships

What's truly important in parenting.

Two weeks ago, for my book reporting, I traveled into New York City to observe a seventh grade classroom in the Lower East Side. The classroom was participating in NYU’s The Listening Project, which teaches middle schoolers a form of interviewing called “transformative interviewing” as a means of “fostering interpersonal curiosity, enhancing socioemotional development, breaking down stereotypes, and deepening social connections.”

That day, as a class, the students were interviewing a new staff school member, trying to understand more about who he was, what inspired him, and what he cared about. At one point, he started talking about his school experience growing up in Venezuela and the fact that he sometimes got into trouble. As he tried to explain why he acted out, he said: “I think rules without relationships are a call to rebellion.”

He wasn’t talking about parenting; he was referring more broadly to governance and structure (specifically, within his school). But I couldn’t help but think about the relevance of what he said to parenting — and how it encompasses what’s truly important for parents to remember, especially when we feel like we’re drowning in a sea of hyper-specific parenting advice.

Kids benefit from rules — but only in the context of having a strong relationship with us. This doesn’t mean we have to act perfectly around them; not at all. But if we want our kids to listen to us and learn from us, we should also communicate our love and respect for them. The “love” part is important for so many reasons; the “respect” part helps to give kids a sense of autonomy, which they crave and which, ironically, makes them more interested in understanding and respecting our limits. (I’m sure you’ve been bossed around by people you didn’t feel any connection with. And I bet you had no interest in complying.)

This doesn’t mean that when our kids know we love them, they will act like perfect little angels. Sometimes, the opposite is true, and they become more emboldened. But that’s okay — their defiance is a sign that they know they are safe and we will listen to them. It’s often, too, a short-term, healthy defiance. They cross our limits in order to better understand where those limits are.

And when our kids do test us, we can both hold fast to our rules and also communicate our love. Some (authoritarian) parents do the opposite: They deride their kids or become less affectionate when their kids are challenging. But we know that, over the long term, this approach causes kids to rebel more, not less. Other (permissive) parents go in the opposite direction, giving up on their rules and letting their kids make all the decisions. But this approach often backfires, too.

It sometimes feels impossible, but it is possible to do both: to communicate our steadfast love to our kids and to maintain a home with hierarchy and structure. We can love and respect our kids and also be in charge. These are the two big things our kids need from us. The other ingredients are optional.

Let me run with the cooking analogy for a minute. On social media, I am constantly bombarded by detailed parenting tips — scripts, guilt-inducing “don’t ever do this” posts — that imply that to be a good parent, you have to get every interaction with your child just right. It’s as if kids are soufflés, and if you don’t get the ratio of ingredients and the baking time perfect, they’re going to ….. do whatever bad soufflés do. Crack. Deflate.

Yet that’s isn’t true: The vast body of research on parenting styles suggests that kids are hardy. That they’re more like chocolate chip cookies. There are thousands of ways to make delicious chocolate chip cookies, though you do need chocolate chips. Kids can thrive in all sorts of situations and with all kinds of parents. But one thing that kids really, truly benefit from — much as chocolate chip cookies really do need chocolate chips — is having parents who love them and treat them with respect.

When we have a strong relationship with our kids, we don’t need to worry so much about the “mistakes” we make, either. We can screw up as long as we apologize and repair the rifts (which often actually strengthens our bond). We can be inconsistent (because, let’s face it, all of us are). A strong relationship acts like a soft rug under our kids’ feet (and ours), helping us bounce back from inevitable stumbles and falls.

Rules without relationships are a call for rebellion. Rules with relationships build mutual trust and growth. Whenever you’re facing a difficult situation with your kid and you’re not sure how to handle it, remind yourself that it’s hard in large part because you love and want the best for them — and that is good for them to know. You can always start a difficult conversation with your child this way: “I hope you know that I love you, and that I’ll love you no matter what.”

What are your thoughts?

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