I know people love escape rooms but seriously it gives me anxiety just reading about it, so no wonder this experience would unleash all the feelings (and insights, however uncomfortable).
I really appreciate this piece. Thank you. Can't wait to read your new book. <3
In answer to your question (how are you?): I'm exhuasted. Because I live in SW Michigan and in the 15 years I've lived here, I've never seen this much snow and cold. Yes also, the political onslaught. Yes also, mother of 4 kids who live at home. Yes also, economic stress due to my field of employment (DEI) being under attack and my income, as a result, being 1/4 of what it was this time last year. But seriously: winter.
Last week I listened to a podcast that was about surviving winter. I found the social psychologist interviewed in that episode quite lovely. She'd loathed winter all her life, but then moved to some incredibly cold nordic region to do anthropological analysis. The basic take-away of the podcast, for me, was this: these places actually do cultural adaptation during the winter that improves their wellness; therefore, if we can learn from them, shift our mindsets along similar lines, we too can experience enhanced wellness in winter.
Here's my beef: when it comes to power, causality and consequence (of any kind) there's just no comparing cultural adaptation and individual mindset shift. I know they're not entirely separate, like one can lead to the other and vice versa. And when it comes to winter, I can only do some many mind hacks to try to beat back my body's natural response to the season it's in. Same with my kids. They need more rest and sleep, not the same things. My middle kids (11 and 12) have missed a TON of school this winter; yes it's sickness but also, they just can't wake up in the morning. My youngest (4) has to be physically forced (i feel like an entire hypocrite re: values of bodily consent) out of the car and into preschool every day. I feel like I've run a marathon after leaving him with his teachers and walking down the hall toward the exit. I keep asking myself, as I hear him screaming and crying, is this the way a child's nervous system is supposed to orient to a new day at the threshold of an institution/social group?
There are social contracts I have as a parent: I keep my kids attending the institutions that steward their learning and growth and those institutions do the stuff of learning and growth with/for my kids. And I gotta say: those institutions, when they're not culturally adaptating to the seasons BECAUSE THERE'S NO MANDATE FROM THE CULTURE TO DO SO, make it incredibly hard for me to keep my side of the contract.
I don't want my children to learn that they've got to hack their bodies and minds natural responses to the seasons in order to be functioning citizens. Seriously fuck that. Like at what point do we realize that putting capitalism's rhythms over and against the planet's is choosing to be and stay in an escape room that's really just hell on earth?
I really appreciated this post. I’ve dropped a lot of f bombs in front of my 4 year old lately. So it hasn’t been going great. On another point, school taught her the new presidents name and it is SO jarring to hear it come out of her mouth.
Hooray, first comment ever! Because this really resonated with me. My nearly 5-year-old has what feels like constantly-worsening ADHD, and we are stuck in limbo waiting for an OT spot to open up that isn’t during school hours, he’s acting out at school now, and my patience level is so low due to being constantly on with the 3 month old. I feel awful snapping at him so much. My husband isn’t making things better by arguing that we don’t need to be so hard on him right now, since the baby doesn’t get chastised in the same way (of course she doesn’t!!!), but really, when I’ve asked you 32 times to put your underwear on and you’re playing with your toes, sans underwear, the next time I check on you, I’m going to lose it. I never stopped to consider that part of my stress/low patience reserve is all the bullshit going on outside my home. Thank you for this: the reminder that the external world is NOT helping right now, as well as the chance to vent!
I spent like 15 years doing politics as my job, and I developed an immense ability to compartmentalize. I'm so grateful I'm not required to think about politics 45-50 hours a week anymore, because my ability to keep my feelings about politics separate from my feelings about my life is now *almost* enough to hold it together as I read a more normal amount of news.
I'm more impatient with the adults in my life when they do want to talk about what's going on in the world and I kind of grit my teeth and nod and respond appropriately but mostly I want to say "I do not need to be taking on your emotions about this right now!"
Melinda, you could have just come to my house for the low, sweet price of $20 and walked out with the same experience 🤣
In all seriousness, I’ve found the last few weeks excruciatingly stressful. Being a parent makes me—desperately—want to fix all the ills of the world but being a parent means I also can’t do all the things I would like to do to accomplish that. Sitting in that helplessness has been misery.
I’ve been trying to anchor to hope. I keep reminding myself that moments of joy and even tiny acts of activism are a big middle finger to the world.
I live in an area with a high proportion of federal employees, including my husband, who are all either facing or experiencing job loss. We were both federal employees in 2016 and had to make some very tough decisions. Job loss has a very direct impact on the basic security of families, not to mention parenting. I hope this point lends some perspective. I am sending all best wishes and solidarity to others in this situation.
I'm so sorry. I have friends in a similar situation — it must be so incredibly stressful. There are parents who are dealing with so much right now, far beyond what I alluded to in my newsletter. One good friend of mine just lost her daughter this week. It's been a terrible winter on so many levels. Sending strength.
I’m reminded of a 2018 journal entry I wrote that I entitled “they call it spring break because it breaks you.” This was the school year when they had like 9 snow days, so it felt like the kids had been on break since Christmas. By Thursday of that week, I was so frayed that:(1) when we went to the library and my then-3-year-old asked me to get him the one Dinosaur Train book our library owns, a book that has NO AUTHOR and pretty much zero plot/stakes/conflict, as a lot of kids’ books featuring Licensed Characters tend to do, I resisted, because the thought of reading that book made me want to die, and when he asked why, I said “because it’s insipid” and offered him a deal that I would read him any other book in the whole library if I didn’t have to read him that book. (2) After the library I was craving chocolate and wanted to get us all a treat, so I chose Dunkin Donuts because it was a drive-thru, which meant I wouldn’t have to deal with dragging the kids into the store and then getting them strapped back into the car. But the drive thru at our Dunkin was closed. So rather than go inside, I opted to drive 15 minutes to another Dunkin that had a working drive thru. That was how DONE I was.
Later that day, I felt like a terrible mother for resisting the Dinosaur Train book, but it felt unbearable in the moment!
And this winter, between the state of the world and the various personal calamities, it is a lot. I hope the fact that we all have these stories eases the stress somewhat.
If it helps, I had very strong boundaries about what books I would read my daughter when she was little -- nothing insipid, nothing that was a media tie-in, nothing that made me want to stab my eyes out -- and she turned into a perfectly healthy 7-year-old who loves to read. So you don't need to beat yourself up for having boundaries with your kids, they're good for you and don't hurt them!
Feeling this so deeply. Also in the throes of winter break over here, only we didn’t get our act together to plan a trip because ** gestures at everything ** so we’ve cobbled together some day camps and a few small outings, but the lack of routine in our daily lives compounds the chaos in the world and so…I’ve been a particularly stressed out PITA. Sorry, fam. Thanks for saying this hard stuff out loud. It’s such a scary time.
Hey Melinda, thank you for sharing a moment that I absolutely identify with and would similarly regret afterwards. I can relate to the non-existent patience after a long stretch of single parenting. Just that on it's own is hard. I think it's because I've been focusing so much on fulfilling my children's needs that I haven't been meeting my own...sometimes realizing this helps me to create some space for myself in the day.
For helping me process and digest the madness of the world, and this may just be how I'm wired, I rely on Jon Stewart, John Oliver and Josh Johnson. Coincidentally, all men with "J" names. I'm not going to over think this...
Oh my gosh, thank you for the timing of this! I feel like you took the words outta my mouth (though yours are better articulated and organized). I live in VA and we've been hit with several bouts of snow that have shut down schools for days at a time, the first round being the week right after winter break when we all were ready to return to a schedule. In between these snow days and delayed openings, my kids got lice and that threw us into a new tailspin. I had to figure out how to eradicate the lice a week and half before we left for a trip to Disney World, a trip that my husband has been dreading for years bc of how mentally draining and financially taxing it would be (and thus, I have been dreading bc I am the emotional barometer of the family and if I fall apart, it's all doomed). I had my own reservations about the trip bc we were planning to stay with my husband's wealthy cousin, which triggers insecurity in me about my upbringing and my lack of career status as seen by his family...and throw lice on top of that! It's embarrassing enough that I feel like we're perceived as less than, but can you imagine us also bringing lice to their mansion?!? Needless to say, we took care of the lice situation, made it to Disney (with a slightly unnerving flight delay) and survived the trip. We tried our best parenting with our 6 yr old but he was hellbent on tormenting his 9 yr old sister every step of the way, it seems, and we had plenty of moments where my husband and I were at wit's end with him...usually in some long @$$ line for a ride. Back from Disney and with 2 snow days plus a delayed school opening, we're feeling awful about our parenting, and the fact that we don't wanna be near our kids at the moment 🫤...it's cathartic just typing it out.
It’s funny-awful-funny that in the photo of the mom with the pot on her head, the mom also appears to be suffering a stab wound to the stomach. Did that baby take things too far??
Melinda, I read your post as I was waking up in THE SAME HOTEL, preparing to go to THE SAME ESCAPE ROOM. Thank you for your excellent timing.
So we get down to the escape room and the kids are asking which one we should do. And I’m thinking, maybe we should do the one Melinda didn’t do, since clearly the one she did was stressful. So we sign up for the other one…only to find out that it’s considered twice as hard as the one you did. 🤦🏼♂️
We failed. Miserably. What a stressful experience. But reading your post reminded me to try and stay calm about it, and I didn’t yell (which I normally would have done). So again - thank you for your excellent timing.
All of this said: can we just acknowledge that these indoor waterparks can make for a really stressful experience for parents AND kids? They’re expensive, they’re loud, they’re jam-packed (me to my wife: “how many people in this hot tub have COVID, do you think?”), and there’s a lot of kid management involved, since one kid is an adventurer and the other is purely a lazy river-type. They’re an assault on the senses and, after the initial excitement fades, I think it’s totally understandable that everyone gets testy.
At least that’s how I’m explaining why: 1) at one point we had to tell the kids that if they said another word to each other over a ten-minute period, they’d lose their screen privileges for three days, and 2) I yelled at my youngest (in front of many people!) for hyperactively running around and knocking my one indulgence, an amazing chocolate chip cookie (from the mac and cheese place, highly recommended btw), onto the floor.
Your post is reminding me that I’m not alone, and that I can try and have self-compassion for everyone in this scenario. Nobody was at their best self. And maybe I need to stop taking my kids to these indoor waterparks?
Okay, that's hilarious -- and yes, we were warned by someone not to do the other escape room!!! I'm sorry you had to endure that. And YES. Those indoor water parks are A LOT. Totally overstimulating for me and my kids -- the crowds, the noise, the prices, the everything. Also the heat didn't work in our room. LOL re: your wife -- while there, I texted my friends it would be a miracle if we didn't get the flu or Covid. (So far so good, but it's only been 3 days.) My back was also bothering me (I've got a herniated disc), so I couldn't even go on the slides, which was sad. But at least it meant I got some breaks from the kids, I guess! And I did get a delicious pina colada at one point! And agree, the mac 'n cheese place was good!
I just finished reading Ketanji Brown Jackson’s book (definitely recommend!). She is basically superwoman. But you know what aspect of her life she’s found hardest? Parenting. Yes, parenting seems to have been the once aspect of her life that she couldn’t just hard work her way out of. I mean, she seems like an excellent parent, but I found it comforting that even Ketanji Brown Jackson struggled as a parent.
When I read the prompt "so, how are you doing?" I started crying which pretty much sums it up. My kids are finally at school for only the third day in the last two weeks, mostly unexpected snow days, and there's been a bunch of other personal and local stuff, and ... yeah: cut to me sitting on the couch today staring at my trashed house and wanting to want to get things done because my to do list is insane but instead just sitting, crying at a post on the internet because someone I don't know in person asked how I'm doing. (I'm okay, really! Just, it's all a lot.)
I know people love escape rooms but seriously it gives me anxiety just reading about it, so no wonder this experience would unleash all the feelings (and insights, however uncomfortable).
I really appreciate this piece. Thank you. Can't wait to read your new book. <3
In answer to your question (how are you?): I'm exhuasted. Because I live in SW Michigan and in the 15 years I've lived here, I've never seen this much snow and cold. Yes also, the political onslaught. Yes also, mother of 4 kids who live at home. Yes also, economic stress due to my field of employment (DEI) being under attack and my income, as a result, being 1/4 of what it was this time last year. But seriously: winter.
Last week I listened to a podcast that was about surviving winter. I found the social psychologist interviewed in that episode quite lovely. She'd loathed winter all her life, but then moved to some incredibly cold nordic region to do anthropological analysis. The basic take-away of the podcast, for me, was this: these places actually do cultural adaptation during the winter that improves their wellness; therefore, if we can learn from them, shift our mindsets along similar lines, we too can experience enhanced wellness in winter.
Here's my beef: when it comes to power, causality and consequence (of any kind) there's just no comparing cultural adaptation and individual mindset shift. I know they're not entirely separate, like one can lead to the other and vice versa. And when it comes to winter, I can only do some many mind hacks to try to beat back my body's natural response to the season it's in. Same with my kids. They need more rest and sleep, not the same things. My middle kids (11 and 12) have missed a TON of school this winter; yes it's sickness but also, they just can't wake up in the morning. My youngest (4) has to be physically forced (i feel like an entire hypocrite re: values of bodily consent) out of the car and into preschool every day. I feel like I've run a marathon after leaving him with his teachers and walking down the hall toward the exit. I keep asking myself, as I hear him screaming and crying, is this the way a child's nervous system is supposed to orient to a new day at the threshold of an institution/social group?
There are social contracts I have as a parent: I keep my kids attending the institutions that steward their learning and growth and those institutions do the stuff of learning and growth with/for my kids. And I gotta say: those institutions, when they're not culturally adaptating to the seasons BECAUSE THERE'S NO MANDATE FROM THE CULTURE TO DO SO, make it incredibly hard for me to keep my side of the contract.
I don't want my children to learn that they've got to hack their bodies and minds natural responses to the seasons in order to be functioning citizens. Seriously fuck that. Like at what point do we realize that putting capitalism's rhythms over and against the planet's is choosing to be and stay in an escape room that's really just hell on earth?
Amen. AMEN. AMEN!!!
(And I hope a Feb thaw comes to Michigan as it looks to come to New Hampshire soon.)
I really appreciated this post. I’ve dropped a lot of f bombs in front of my 4 year old lately. So it hasn’t been going great. On another point, school taught her the new presidents name and it is SO jarring to hear it come out of her mouth.
Hooray, first comment ever! Because this really resonated with me. My nearly 5-year-old has what feels like constantly-worsening ADHD, and we are stuck in limbo waiting for an OT spot to open up that isn’t during school hours, he’s acting out at school now, and my patience level is so low due to being constantly on with the 3 month old. I feel awful snapping at him so much. My husband isn’t making things better by arguing that we don’t need to be so hard on him right now, since the baby doesn’t get chastised in the same way (of course she doesn’t!!!), but really, when I’ve asked you 32 times to put your underwear on and you’re playing with your toes, sans underwear, the next time I check on you, I’m going to lose it. I never stopped to consider that part of my stress/low patience reserve is all the bullshit going on outside my home. Thank you for this: the reminder that the external world is NOT helping right now, as well as the chance to vent!
Yes— and our kids pick up on our stress, too, which can cause them to act out even more. A double whammy! Sending love and strength.
I spent like 15 years doing politics as my job, and I developed an immense ability to compartmentalize. I'm so grateful I'm not required to think about politics 45-50 hours a week anymore, because my ability to keep my feelings about politics separate from my feelings about my life is now *almost* enough to hold it together as I read a more normal amount of news.
I'm more impatient with the adults in my life when they do want to talk about what's going on in the world and I kind of grit my teeth and nod and respond appropriately but mostly I want to say "I do not need to be taking on your emotions about this right now!"
Melinda, you could have just come to my house for the low, sweet price of $20 and walked out with the same experience 🤣
In all seriousness, I’ve found the last few weeks excruciatingly stressful. Being a parent makes me—desperately—want to fix all the ills of the world but being a parent means I also can’t do all the things I would like to do to accomplish that. Sitting in that helplessness has been misery.
I’ve been trying to anchor to hope. I keep reminding myself that moments of joy and even tiny acts of activism are a big middle finger to the world.
These reflections on the stress of parenting in this moment reminded me of this recent essay from The Maternal Stress Project: https://open.substack.com/pub/maternalstressproject/p/the-misogyny-overlay?r=3ax2r&utm_medium=ios
I live in an area with a high proportion of federal employees, including my husband, who are all either facing or experiencing job loss. We were both federal employees in 2016 and had to make some very tough decisions. Job loss has a very direct impact on the basic security of families, not to mention parenting. I hope this point lends some perspective. I am sending all best wishes and solidarity to others in this situation.
I'm so sorry. I have friends in a similar situation — it must be so incredibly stressful. There are parents who are dealing with so much right now, far beyond what I alluded to in my newsletter. One good friend of mine just lost her daughter this week. It's been a terrible winter on so many levels. Sending strength.
Yes, it is exhausting!
I’m reminded of a 2018 journal entry I wrote that I entitled “they call it spring break because it breaks you.” This was the school year when they had like 9 snow days, so it felt like the kids had been on break since Christmas. By Thursday of that week, I was so frayed that:(1) when we went to the library and my then-3-year-old asked me to get him the one Dinosaur Train book our library owns, a book that has NO AUTHOR and pretty much zero plot/stakes/conflict, as a lot of kids’ books featuring Licensed Characters tend to do, I resisted, because the thought of reading that book made me want to die, and when he asked why, I said “because it’s insipid” and offered him a deal that I would read him any other book in the whole library if I didn’t have to read him that book. (2) After the library I was craving chocolate and wanted to get us all a treat, so I chose Dunkin Donuts because it was a drive-thru, which meant I wouldn’t have to deal with dragging the kids into the store and then getting them strapped back into the car. But the drive thru at our Dunkin was closed. So rather than go inside, I opted to drive 15 minutes to another Dunkin that had a working drive thru. That was how DONE I was.
Later that day, I felt like a terrible mother for resisting the Dinosaur Train book, but it felt unbearable in the moment!
And this winter, between the state of the world and the various personal calamities, it is a lot. I hope the fact that we all have these stories eases the stress somewhat.
If it helps, I had very strong boundaries about what books I would read my daughter when she was little -- nothing insipid, nothing that was a media tie-in, nothing that made me want to stab my eyes out -- and she turned into a perfectly healthy 7-year-old who loves to read. So you don't need to beat yourself up for having boundaries with your kids, they're good for you and don't hurt them!
Feeling this so deeply. Also in the throes of winter break over here, only we didn’t get our act together to plan a trip because ** gestures at everything ** so we’ve cobbled together some day camps and a few small outings, but the lack of routine in our daily lives compounds the chaos in the world and so…I’ve been a particularly stressed out PITA. Sorry, fam. Thanks for saying this hard stuff out loud. It’s such a scary time.
Hey Melinda, thank you for sharing a moment that I absolutely identify with and would similarly regret afterwards. I can relate to the non-existent patience after a long stretch of single parenting. Just that on it's own is hard. I think it's because I've been focusing so much on fulfilling my children's needs that I haven't been meeting my own...sometimes realizing this helps me to create some space for myself in the day.
For helping me process and digest the madness of the world, and this may just be how I'm wired, I rely on Jon Stewart, John Oliver and Josh Johnson. Coincidentally, all men with "J" names. I'm not going to over think this...
Oh my gosh, thank you for the timing of this! I feel like you took the words outta my mouth (though yours are better articulated and organized). I live in VA and we've been hit with several bouts of snow that have shut down schools for days at a time, the first round being the week right after winter break when we all were ready to return to a schedule. In between these snow days and delayed openings, my kids got lice and that threw us into a new tailspin. I had to figure out how to eradicate the lice a week and half before we left for a trip to Disney World, a trip that my husband has been dreading for years bc of how mentally draining and financially taxing it would be (and thus, I have been dreading bc I am the emotional barometer of the family and if I fall apart, it's all doomed). I had my own reservations about the trip bc we were planning to stay with my husband's wealthy cousin, which triggers insecurity in me about my upbringing and my lack of career status as seen by his family...and throw lice on top of that! It's embarrassing enough that I feel like we're perceived as less than, but can you imagine us also bringing lice to their mansion?!? Needless to say, we took care of the lice situation, made it to Disney (with a slightly unnerving flight delay) and survived the trip. We tried our best parenting with our 6 yr old but he was hellbent on tormenting his 9 yr old sister every step of the way, it seems, and we had plenty of moments where my husband and I were at wit's end with him...usually in some long @$$ line for a ride. Back from Disney and with 2 snow days plus a delayed school opening, we're feeling awful about our parenting, and the fact that we don't wanna be near our kids at the moment 🫤...it's cathartic just typing it out.
It’s funny-awful-funny that in the photo of the mom with the pot on her head, the mom also appears to be suffering a stab wound to the stomach. Did that baby take things too far??
hahah omg I didn’t notice that. Is that blood?!?!
Or some aggressive jam!
Melinda, I read your post as I was waking up in THE SAME HOTEL, preparing to go to THE SAME ESCAPE ROOM. Thank you for your excellent timing.
So we get down to the escape room and the kids are asking which one we should do. And I’m thinking, maybe we should do the one Melinda didn’t do, since clearly the one she did was stressful. So we sign up for the other one…only to find out that it’s considered twice as hard as the one you did. 🤦🏼♂️
We failed. Miserably. What a stressful experience. But reading your post reminded me to try and stay calm about it, and I didn’t yell (which I normally would have done). So again - thank you for your excellent timing.
All of this said: can we just acknowledge that these indoor waterparks can make for a really stressful experience for parents AND kids? They’re expensive, they’re loud, they’re jam-packed (me to my wife: “how many people in this hot tub have COVID, do you think?”), and there’s a lot of kid management involved, since one kid is an adventurer and the other is purely a lazy river-type. They’re an assault on the senses and, after the initial excitement fades, I think it’s totally understandable that everyone gets testy.
At least that’s how I’m explaining why: 1) at one point we had to tell the kids that if they said another word to each other over a ten-minute period, they’d lose their screen privileges for three days, and 2) I yelled at my youngest (in front of many people!) for hyperactively running around and knocking my one indulgence, an amazing chocolate chip cookie (from the mac and cheese place, highly recommended btw), onto the floor.
Your post is reminding me that I’m not alone, and that I can try and have self-compassion for everyone in this scenario. Nobody was at their best self. And maybe I need to stop taking my kids to these indoor waterparks?
Okay, that's hilarious -- and yes, we were warned by someone not to do the other escape room!!! I'm sorry you had to endure that. And YES. Those indoor water parks are A LOT. Totally overstimulating for me and my kids -- the crowds, the noise, the prices, the everything. Also the heat didn't work in our room. LOL re: your wife -- while there, I texted my friends it would be a miracle if we didn't get the flu or Covid. (So far so good, but it's only been 3 days.) My back was also bothering me (I've got a herniated disc), so I couldn't even go on the slides, which was sad. But at least it meant I got some breaks from the kids, I guess! And I did get a delicious pina colada at one point! And agree, the mac 'n cheese place was good!
I just finished reading Ketanji Brown Jackson’s book (definitely recommend!). She is basically superwoman. But you know what aspect of her life she’s found hardest? Parenting. Yes, parenting seems to have been the once aspect of her life that she couldn’t just hard work her way out of. I mean, she seems like an excellent parent, but I found it comforting that even Ketanji Brown Jackson struggled as a parent.
When I read the prompt "so, how are you doing?" I started crying which pretty much sums it up. My kids are finally at school for only the third day in the last two weeks, mostly unexpected snow days, and there's been a bunch of other personal and local stuff, and ... yeah: cut to me sitting on the couch today staring at my trashed house and wanting to want to get things done because my to do list is insane but instead just sitting, crying at a post on the internet because someone I don't know in person asked how I'm doing. (I'm okay, really! Just, it's all a lot.)
I'm so sorry. Sending hugs. I hope the cry gave you a helpful release!