Congrats on the early accolades for Hello, Cruel World, Melinda! And thank you for today's post, which, as usual, gives voice to an incredibly important issue. Did you read Kim Brooks' "Small Animals: Parenthood in the Age of Fear"? It's a few years old now, but I loved it and still think of it often.
It's the author's story of leaving her child in the car for a few minutes... and the police getting called. She digs deep into our culture of parental monitoring and does a very terrific dive into Sarnecka's research and legal culture around parenting. I think you'll find it powerful.
I am so terrified of this. My parents frequently left us in the car growing up, but I'm not allowed to leave my sleeping toddler to pee by myself while driving a few hours to visit a friend.
It's so unfair to blame parents for being "overinvolved, and helicopter parents" (which are comments made by my grandparents to me every once in awhile) but they are the same people calling the cops on a kid in a car asleep, or attacking parents for taking advantage of a hotel bar. I would be amiss if I didn't say that women of color and single mothers are often the most persecuted in this instance.
One million percent. If I remember correctly, in her book Small Animals, Brooks digs into the racism that is often inherent in the overpolicing of parents. I remember one particular anecdote that was really poignant, and I believe there is also an exploration of the racism embedded in the legal part of this, as well. And yes, it’s such a catch-22 of being told either that you’re helicopter parenting or neglectful parenting. It’s a really impossible situation.
This is such an important point!: "We judge parents for stepping 200 feet away from their kids to sip a drink at a bar — all while watching them carefully on a video monitor — yet we don’t judge parents for driving their kids to school, even though the chance of a car accident is much higher than the chance of tragedy befalling sleeping kids in a hotel room." Something for us all to really think about.
That line about manageable parenting moving behind closed doors stood out to me too. It's not easy to share what you've done/are doing that seems to go against parenting culture, for fear of judgment (and the very real consequences that can carry!). But the more of us that do, the healthier we will all be, I think. When our kids were little -- like go-to-bed-early; still-need-babysitters kind of little -- and we had neighborhood friends (2 doors over) who had kids at the same stage, we (the 4 parents) would sometimes hang out at one house or the other while the kids slept, with both a baby monitor and occasional stops home to make sure all was well. We spent a couple New Yrs' Eves like that! It was a way for us to have fun and enjoy grown up company while also responsibly taking care of our kids.
This is related to one of my personal peeves: how TERRIBLE hotel rooms are for families. I understand plopping 2 double or queen beds side by side is pretty easy, but who does that actually work for?! All options are awful. You *might* be able to get a separate adjoining room, but the kid's room still has a door directly to the hall. Even when there are bunk beds in a separate area, the bunks are still normally closer to the door. Same for suites. And suites are so much more expensive. It's like our society just wants parents to be stuck inside with their kids, whether they be at home or somewhere else. And then people complain about falling birthrates!
THANK YOU for this. As Europeans we practiced what some of my US relatives referred to as "extreme free range parenting" so you can well imagine the clashing of cultures whenever we brought the boy over to visit grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Spouse and I tried really hard to not be too dogmatic or stand out in really annoying ways ("when in Rome..." you all know the saying). But sometimes there was just too much idiocy going on.
I recall my mom taking me out shopping for clothes that fit post-partum when I was visiting with the five-month-old baby. He slept peacefully in the giant buggy– too big for the fitting room– borrowed from my sister-in-law, I struggled in and out of various items while the proud grandmother collected a range of sizes while keeping half an eye on the buggy. THIS WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH and we got a stern talking-to from the salesperson, floor manager, and a department store security guy. My mother, who raised four kids in the US, was taken aback (and we left empty handed).
Standard eurostory over. My husband and I were also fans of a nightcap in the hotel bar, or a late dinner, or even just reading in the hotel lounge while our toddler slept happily upstairs. Until one time when the fire alarm went off in a hotel in Chicago. Elevators out of service. My husband ran up eight flights of stairs, boxing through the people coming down, to grab Mr Sleepyhead while I endured both terror of the unknown and being castigated by hotel staff and guests alike as the worst mother on the planet. Of course it was a false alarm. But we were less relaxed about lobby drinks (in any country) after that.
There is such a constant bind. I recently was at the store with my older kids and I needed to use the restroom and I asked them wait at the cart, which they can absolutely handle but then I second guessed it not because of them at all but because I was concerned that someone would comment or express concern. Melinda, this piece with Anne Helen Petersen's piece on intensive parenting this week pair so well, https://annehelen.substack.com/p/what-are-we-actually-talking-about
Congrats on the early accolades for Hello, Cruel World, Melinda! And thank you for today's post, which, as usual, gives voice to an incredibly important issue. Did you read Kim Brooks' "Small Animals: Parenthood in the Age of Fear"? It's a few years old now, but I loved it and still think of it often.
Ooh I haven't! I'll check it out, thanks!
It's the author's story of leaving her child in the car for a few minutes... and the police getting called. She digs deep into our culture of parental monitoring and does a very terrific dive into Sarnecka's research and legal culture around parenting. I think you'll find it powerful.
I am so terrified of this. My parents frequently left us in the car growing up, but I'm not allowed to leave my sleeping toddler to pee by myself while driving a few hours to visit a friend.
It's so unfair to blame parents for being "overinvolved, and helicopter parents" (which are comments made by my grandparents to me every once in awhile) but they are the same people calling the cops on a kid in a car asleep, or attacking parents for taking advantage of a hotel bar. I would be amiss if I didn't say that women of color and single mothers are often the most persecuted in this instance.
One million percent. If I remember correctly, in her book Small Animals, Brooks digs into the racism that is often inherent in the overpolicing of parents. I remember one particular anecdote that was really poignant, and I believe there is also an exploration of the racism embedded in the legal part of this, as well. And yes, it’s such a catch-22 of being told either that you’re helicopter parenting or neglectful parenting. It’s a really impossible situation.
I've added it to my TBR list! Thank you!
This is such an important point!: "We judge parents for stepping 200 feet away from their kids to sip a drink at a bar — all while watching them carefully on a video monitor — yet we don’t judge parents for driving their kids to school, even though the chance of a car accident is much higher than the chance of tragedy befalling sleeping kids in a hotel room." Something for us all to really think about.
That line about manageable parenting moving behind closed doors stood out to me too. It's not easy to share what you've done/are doing that seems to go against parenting culture, for fear of judgment (and the very real consequences that can carry!). But the more of us that do, the healthier we will all be, I think. When our kids were little -- like go-to-bed-early; still-need-babysitters kind of little -- and we had neighborhood friends (2 doors over) who had kids at the same stage, we (the 4 parents) would sometimes hang out at one house or the other while the kids slept, with both a baby monitor and occasional stops home to make sure all was well. We spent a couple New Yrs' Eves like that! It was a way for us to have fun and enjoy grown up company while also responsibly taking care of our kids.
This is related to one of my personal peeves: how TERRIBLE hotel rooms are for families. I understand plopping 2 double or queen beds side by side is pretty easy, but who does that actually work for?! All options are awful. You *might* be able to get a separate adjoining room, but the kid's room still has a door directly to the hall. Even when there are bunk beds in a separate area, the bunks are still normally closer to the door. Same for suites. And suites are so much more expensive. It's like our society just wants parents to be stuck inside with their kids, whether they be at home or somewhere else. And then people complain about falling birthrates!
Yes! My husband and I hung out in a hotel room bathroom for hours once just so we could read while our kids slept. 😂😭
THANK YOU for this. As Europeans we practiced what some of my US relatives referred to as "extreme free range parenting" so you can well imagine the clashing of cultures whenever we brought the boy over to visit grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Spouse and I tried really hard to not be too dogmatic or stand out in really annoying ways ("when in Rome..." you all know the saying). But sometimes there was just too much idiocy going on.
I recall my mom taking me out shopping for clothes that fit post-partum when I was visiting with the five-month-old baby. He slept peacefully in the giant buggy– too big for the fitting room– borrowed from my sister-in-law, I struggled in and out of various items while the proud grandmother collected a range of sizes while keeping half an eye on the buggy. THIS WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH and we got a stern talking-to from the salesperson, floor manager, and a department store security guy. My mother, who raised four kids in the US, was taken aback (and we left empty handed).
Standard eurostory over. My husband and I were also fans of a nightcap in the hotel bar, or a late dinner, or even just reading in the hotel lounge while our toddler slept happily upstairs. Until one time when the fire alarm went off in a hotel in Chicago. Elevators out of service. My husband ran up eight flights of stairs, boxing through the people coming down, to grab Mr Sleepyhead while I endured both terror of the unknown and being castigated by hotel staff and guests alike as the worst mother on the planet. Of course it was a false alarm. But we were less relaxed about lobby drinks (in any country) after that.
There is such a constant bind. I recently was at the store with my older kids and I needed to use the restroom and I asked them wait at the cart, which they can absolutely handle but then I second guessed it not because of them at all but because I was concerned that someone would comment or express concern. Melinda, this piece with Anne Helen Petersen's piece on intensive parenting this week pair so well, https://annehelen.substack.com/p/what-are-we-actually-talking-about