Melinda, I agree that there’s no such thing as “too much” chocolate--or any food that brings joy :)
I enjoyed your explanation here. There’s so much nuance and semantic confusion around punishment, consequences, discipline, limits, boundaries, etc. These already difficult conversations become extra fraught when we (parents on the Internet) are operating from different definitions.
I *try* to focus on my intent and posture when approaching this stuff: Am I doing xyz in the spirit of punishment or of building awareness and skills? Am I communicating using shame or collaboration? Did I lay some groundwork for my child’s success in this situation?
As in the example of not leaving soon enough to go to the playground before dinner, I might check in at the play date about whether they still want to go to the playground, let them know when we need to leave to make it, and help them wrap up playing. I think of it as identifying each other’s needs (them: playground, me: on-time dinner) and working together to meet them. If, after all of that, we don’t make it to the playground, that consequence (which I’d call natural--again, semantics!) feels less like punishment, especially if I allow space for my child’s disappointment.
Of course, the above happens on the best of days when I am well-resourced. Above all, like you said, we undersupported parents do not need any more unrealistic expectations foisted upon us two years into pandemic life!
I love the terminology of "logical consequences" and am adding that to my parenting vocabulary immediately. I like the idea of "natural consequences" but have found myself contriving consequences, which has resulted in me feeling like I never quite got the hang of the natural part.
The energy with which we come to our kids with logical consequences or not is so crucial. Also perspective-taking of the parent. When we parents can take the perspective of our children so much can shift.
Excellent perspective. I've often thought this and end up choosing between consequences and punishment (time out) not knowing if either are effective. Thank you for sharing this. However, I guess consequences are hard to explain to a child under 4 - which is where I guess the corner still plays a role..?
So appreciate not just the content but the tone and perspective of this post!
Melinda, I agree that there’s no such thing as “too much” chocolate--or any food that brings joy :)
I enjoyed your explanation here. There’s so much nuance and semantic confusion around punishment, consequences, discipline, limits, boundaries, etc. These already difficult conversations become extra fraught when we (parents on the Internet) are operating from different definitions.
I *try* to focus on my intent and posture when approaching this stuff: Am I doing xyz in the spirit of punishment or of building awareness and skills? Am I communicating using shame or collaboration? Did I lay some groundwork for my child’s success in this situation?
As in the example of not leaving soon enough to go to the playground before dinner, I might check in at the play date about whether they still want to go to the playground, let them know when we need to leave to make it, and help them wrap up playing. I think of it as identifying each other’s needs (them: playground, me: on-time dinner) and working together to meet them. If, after all of that, we don’t make it to the playground, that consequence (which I’d call natural--again, semantics!) feels less like punishment, especially if I allow space for my child’s disappointment.
Of course, the above happens on the best of days when I am well-resourced. Above all, like you said, we undersupported parents do not need any more unrealistic expectations foisted upon us two years into pandemic life!
I love the terminology of "logical consequences" and am adding that to my parenting vocabulary immediately. I like the idea of "natural consequences" but have found myself contriving consequences, which has resulted in me feeling like I never quite got the hang of the natural part.
Enjoy your vacation!
The energy with which we come to our kids with logical consequences or not is so crucial. Also perspective-taking of the parent. When we parents can take the perspective of our children so much can shift.
I enjoyed reading this. Thank you.
Excellent perspective. I've often thought this and end up choosing between consequences and punishment (time out) not knowing if either are effective. Thank you for sharing this. However, I guess consequences are hard to explain to a child under 4 - which is where I guess the corner still plays a role..?