Consequences Versus Punishments

Yes, there's a subtle difference — and science suggests one might work better than the other.

If you follow parenting Instagram, you probably already know what’s hot and what’s not in the realm of discipline. Punishment, it seems, is out — some parenting experts claim it’s ineffective, while others argue that it also undermines the parent-child relationship. I’m generally not a fan of sweeping moral statements about parenting — it’s certainly easier and more attention-grabbing to package advice in stark, black-and-white terms, but the fact is, reality is often much more nuanced. The research is often much more nuanced. Plus, sometimes (regularly?) parenting experts ask impossible things, and parents — especially moms — don’t need to held to ridiculous standards, especially not two years into a pandemic.

That’s not to say that all kinds of discipline are useful. One thing we know from the science is that physical punishments like spanking, hitting and slapping are not constructive. Another thing we know is that parents should ideally avoid what’s called psychological control, which is when they toy with a kid’s sense of self-worth to get the behavior they want — basically, when parents shame and manipulate kids. Children whose parents use psychological control are more likely than other kids to become antisocial, depressed and anxious.

But with the exception of these two important takeaways, the science on the impact of mild punishments is far subtler than some parenting experts would lead us to believe.