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Oct 25, 2022Liked by Melinda Wenner Moyer

I agree with your article in theory, but in practice, how do you discern which acts of kindness to appreciate and which acts of kindness to not appreciate?

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Oct 25, 2022·edited Oct 25, 2022Author

I think that it can be difficult to discern a person's intentions, so it's hard to know "oh, that person did this due to sexism" versus "that person genuinely thought I needed help." So I'd focus less on sussing out whether or not to be offended by someone else's actions and more on considering your *own* intentions (and talking to kids about considering *their* intentions). I loved Gutierrez's simple advice to consider the why: Are you helping this person because they look like they need it and want it, or because of their gender?

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Oct 25, 2022Liked by Melinda Wenner Moyer

Ooh, this is so good. I would totally have benefited from such an explicit discussion of the mechanics of chivalry as a teenage girl/young woman. Because I used to feel SUPER confused by the way it seemed like winning guys’ respect and winning their desire didn’t go hand in hand. I even used to joke about “the Coors Light Fucking Close to Water Fallacy,” which is: There’s this joke that goes, how is Coors Light like making love in a canoe? They’re both fucking close to water! And I believed this meant guys wouldn’t be into you if you drank drinks like Coors Light, they would only be into you if you drank whiskey and such, but I didn’t understand why they weren’t into me even though I drank whiskey. So that was the fallacy, while the behavior that WOULD make the guy interested was if you responded to the joke by squealing, “it’s NOOOOT fucking close to water! It’s NOOOOT!” and hitting him in a flirty way. Which is behavior that made me cringe when I thought about doing it in front of boys. They make fun of us for liking squeaky pop songs, but still want to sleep with us even if we do? Huh? So confusing!

As a young woman I enjoyed chivalry in a sort of once removed sense, like “Oh, I see he’s invoking the trope of chivalry, which signifies he views me in a sexual way! Exciting!” But I felt that disconnect between respect and flattering attention SO HARD, and didn’t know what to make of it.

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Oct 25, 2022Liked by Melinda Wenner Moyer

Thanks for this! So useful to think about how I can be more explicit in the way I talk about this with my daughters. And, honestly, it is giving me - an adult woman - a lot to think about, as well. I shared this with several parents immediately after reading it. You mentioned you’re expecting some pushback so I wanted to be sure to counter that with how much I appreciated this.

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Thank you so much!

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Agree with everything Catherine said. This was super illuminating and I’ll definitely refer to it in the future and continue sharing/discussing. Thank you!

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Kindness is one of our family's core values. With this article in mind, I'm going to talk more with my kids about what kindness looks like in a romantic partner and how important it is to watch how they treat others, not just you.

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