I wasn’t able to label the anxiety I was feeling as a kid and teenager but looking back I still went to school while feeling that anxiety- I wish I had talked to a school counselor about it but it never occurred to me because I was always doing great academically and I assumed everyone had stomach aches all the time.
My own kids gripe about going to school occasionally but seem to always have a good day once they’re there. I feel the same way about most outings with my friends that feel hard to attend or networking events with the local bar or even zoom events where my camera has to be on. It’s so much easier to stay home and avoid discomfort, but I am trying to model pushing past my own discomfort for my kids. I know I will have a good time once I’m there!
For what it’s worth, after a really rough rough start to the school year for our anxious kid, we worked with the school and the superintendent agreed to a graduated schedule—half days to three-quarter days to almost full days to full days—for the first quarter. Our kid has a 504 for anxiety; we were extremely proactive and communicative with the guidance staff and teachers; and we helped our kid keep up with 99% of the school work. And it’s a relatively small district. All that allowed for the flexibility, which helped our kid move through the anxiety a lot. (Although it’s not a thing that fully tidies up and goes away, so onto the next as the kid learns and grows!)
Our kid will grumble and ask not to go occasionally, but he's never seriously resisted (since his last few months of daycare, which was another issue entirely). But the thing about making the schedule clear to them is so big -- this year his breakfast is two muffins, and for a few days he was eating reeeeaalllllyy slowly and not getting to the second one and melting down when we said he had to move to the next stage of getting ready. Telling him "you have to finish the first muffin by 7:40 if you want to eat the second one" was a game-changer.
Our big problems are once he's there. He vomits. We think it's in some way anxiety-related (don't get me started on trying to work out the insurance issues to get him properly assessed) and we have to work closely with school and camp and afterschool, because if he got sent home every time it happened, he'd never finish a day anywhere. And when we're laying the groundwork with a new camp or whatever, we put it in terms of anxiety and avoidance -- that while we know they have concrete rules about sending kids home if they vomit, we are concerned that it will feed anxieties. So far they've been pretty willing to work with us (his school nurse is great) but it is so much better to let them know ahead of time than to try to explain *after* he's vomited, at which point they just think you're a lousy parent who doesn't want to pick up your sick kid. When they know that his pediatrician has already weighed in and you keep a running list of when he's vomited under what circumstances and that you're thinking about the research on anxiety, they are so much more responsive.
I struggled with this a ton when my kids were younger, and now that they are all teenagers, there are still days when we struggle. There are some good tips here. Of course, I have anxiety, and I used to cancel things I wanted to do all of the time because I didn’t feel up to it. I’m sure that was not the best behavior to model, and that makes so much sense that they would see that and get the idea that they can do the same with school.
We dealt with some relatively big anxiety issues with my now-kindergartner a year and a half ago, and the strategies we were taught have worked so well for this sort of thing! The other week, my daughter fell and got a black eye at after-school and was reluctant to go to school the next couple mornings because she didn't want people asking her about her eye. We used the "it might be hard, and you can do hard things" message that we learned from our therapist with great success. It's such a game-changer, and once you learn that you can empathize AND encourage, it seems like a no-brainer. Isn't that what we all want as adults, too? Validation and support?
Thanks for this. Avoidance begets avoidance and robs us of opportunities to grow and experience and build resilience— this is such important wisdom about humans! We have dealt with strong school resistance/refusal and my kid’s team always emphasized that keeping him in the building even if he couldn’t be in class was key. And that if he was home to make it as dull as possible. Thankfully the current supports we have in place have been a game changer, because dealing with this issue is absolutely miserable. I feel for anyone who is working through it.
I just wrote a detailed before school schedule on the fridge for my six-year-old (and tbh the adults too) and then opened my inbox to see this ha ha. Lots of good tips with the language, thank you!
Consider learning differences. This feels missing. TEST for learning differences. Unsupported on a chronic basis they can lead to emotional distress (anxiety, depression, panic attacks, low self concept... etc.). Which lead has been proven to lead to somatic distress (GI issues, migraines, chronic pain, etc.) This is not just about parents accommodating. ENCOURAGE FULL PICTURE OF CHILD AS A STRATEGY.
Cannot recommend the standardized morning routine strongly enough. Other advantages: reduces pre-caffeine decision fatigue. Ours includes what my 1st grader calls “breakfast activity”, which is usually a short board or card game, sometimes coloring together, or this week he’s been super into Rubik’s cubes. It is one of the loveliest parts of my day.
I wasn’t able to label the anxiety I was feeling as a kid and teenager but looking back I still went to school while feeling that anxiety- I wish I had talked to a school counselor about it but it never occurred to me because I was always doing great academically and I assumed everyone had stomach aches all the time.
My own kids gripe about going to school occasionally but seem to always have a good day once they’re there. I feel the same way about most outings with my friends that feel hard to attend or networking events with the local bar or even zoom events where my camera has to be on. It’s so much easier to stay home and avoid discomfort, but I am trying to model pushing past my own discomfort for my kids. I know I will have a good time once I’m there!
For what it’s worth, after a really rough rough start to the school year for our anxious kid, we worked with the school and the superintendent agreed to a graduated schedule—half days to three-quarter days to almost full days to full days—for the first quarter. Our kid has a 504 for anxiety; we were extremely proactive and communicative with the guidance staff and teachers; and we helped our kid keep up with 99% of the school work. And it’s a relatively small district. All that allowed for the flexibility, which helped our kid move through the anxiety a lot. (Although it’s not a thing that fully tidies up and goes away, so onto the next as the kid learns and grows!)
I’m so glad you’ve found a solution that works!!!
Our kid will grumble and ask not to go occasionally, but he's never seriously resisted (since his last few months of daycare, which was another issue entirely). But the thing about making the schedule clear to them is so big -- this year his breakfast is two muffins, and for a few days he was eating reeeeaalllllyy slowly and not getting to the second one and melting down when we said he had to move to the next stage of getting ready. Telling him "you have to finish the first muffin by 7:40 if you want to eat the second one" was a game-changer.
Our big problems are once he's there. He vomits. We think it's in some way anxiety-related (don't get me started on trying to work out the insurance issues to get him properly assessed) and we have to work closely with school and camp and afterschool, because if he got sent home every time it happened, he'd never finish a day anywhere. And when we're laying the groundwork with a new camp or whatever, we put it in terms of anxiety and avoidance -- that while we know they have concrete rules about sending kids home if they vomit, we are concerned that it will feed anxieties. So far they've been pretty willing to work with us (his school nurse is great) but it is so much better to let them know ahead of time than to try to explain *after* he's vomited, at which point they just think you're a lousy parent who doesn't want to pick up your sick kid. When they know that his pediatrician has already weighed in and you keep a running list of when he's vomited under what circumstances and that you're thinking about the research on anxiety, they are so much more responsive.
I struggled with this a ton when my kids were younger, and now that they are all teenagers, there are still days when we struggle. There are some good tips here. Of course, I have anxiety, and I used to cancel things I wanted to do all of the time because I didn’t feel up to it. I’m sure that was not the best behavior to model, and that makes so much sense that they would see that and get the idea that they can do the same with school.
We dealt with some relatively big anxiety issues with my now-kindergartner a year and a half ago, and the strategies we were taught have worked so well for this sort of thing! The other week, my daughter fell and got a black eye at after-school and was reluctant to go to school the next couple mornings because she didn't want people asking her about her eye. We used the "it might be hard, and you can do hard things" message that we learned from our therapist with great success. It's such a game-changer, and once you learn that you can empathize AND encourage, it seems like a no-brainer. Isn't that what we all want as adults, too? Validation and support?
Thanks for this. Avoidance begets avoidance and robs us of opportunities to grow and experience and build resilience— this is such important wisdom about humans! We have dealt with strong school resistance/refusal and my kid’s team always emphasized that keeping him in the building even if he couldn’t be in class was key. And that if he was home to make it as dull as possible. Thankfully the current supports we have in place have been a game changer, because dealing with this issue is absolutely miserable. I feel for anyone who is working through it.
lol this couldn’t have come at a more perfect time since they had to peel my preschooler off of me at drop off this morning 😅
I just wrote a detailed before school schedule on the fridge for my six-year-old (and tbh the adults too) and then opened my inbox to see this ha ha. Lots of good tips with the language, thank you!
Consider learning differences. This feels missing. TEST for learning differences. Unsupported on a chronic basis they can lead to emotional distress (anxiety, depression, panic attacks, low self concept... etc.). Which lead has been proven to lead to somatic distress (GI issues, migraines, chronic pain, etc.) This is not just about parents accommodating. ENCOURAGE FULL PICTURE OF CHILD AS A STRATEGY.
Cannot recommend the standardized morning routine strongly enough. Other advantages: reduces pre-caffeine decision fatigue. Ours includes what my 1st grader calls “breakfast activity”, which is usually a short board or card game, sometimes coloring together, or this week he’s been super into Rubik’s cubes. It is one of the loveliest parts of my day.