I love this so much, because I always try and offer solutions, or ask them how they feel which often doesn't actually help. This idea of crafting a headline (as a fellow journalist!) is something that feels very relatable. I'm definitely going to try it.
I know, it feels like we are hard-wired to try to problem-solve and help them!!!! So hard not to always do that. When you try the headline approach, please report back about how it goes!!!
This was very timely! Just last night I had a similar situation. Right now we’re on a big family beach trip to celebrate my sister in law’s wedding. My kids are (daughter) 8 & (stepson) 14 & the cousins range in age from 13 to 23 (two of them brought friends that are in that age range too). I went on a date night with my husband last night & when we got back I could tell my 8 year old was upset. We went to talk in private & it took awhile for her to be able to speak but eventually it came out that she hated being so much younger than everyone else here, she said she felt like a “side character”. She can’t talk about the same things, she doesn’t have a phone, she can’t swim like they do etc. I eventually said “I know it’s really hard when you feel left out.” We talked more, she was able to articulate exactly what it feels like to be a tween, she asked why she’s so much younger & I explained why it took so long to have her. I gave her a hug & she was able to go to bed feeling calm & heard. I’m not always able to handle these kinds of talks perfectly but I felt pretty good about this one!
Oh I love this!!!! “I know it’s really hard when you feel left out" is such a great phrase -- with those few words you communicated that you were really listening, you took her feelings seriously and you understood how hard that experience is.
As a mom of grown kids who didn’t do a great job validating their feelings, I’m so grateful for posts like this. I’m able to do so much better with my granddaughter.
I had a similar moment recently with my kindergartner who was being a real pain until I said, "Oh wait, are you nervous about the last day of school?" and he just started crying a little bit and cuddled up to us instead of punching his dad and refusing to brush his teeth! Transitions are surprisingly hard even if they seem like they should be fun (i.e., school transitioning to summer vacation). I've also had a couple moments recently with my 9-year-old where I'll point out something about how her friend might have a different perspective from her, and it seems like it just wouldn't have occurred to her without having it spelled out. She found out that two of her friends are going to see "How to Train Your Dragon" and didn't invite her, and she was bummed about it. I said, "Remember how you told them that you really don't like talking about dragons all the time at recess and asked them to stop? Hmmm..." She just kinda stared into the distance for a while...
Once when my son, then almost seven, was really upset, he cried out “HAVEN’T YOU EVER FELT FRUSTRATED AND HELPLESS LIKE THIS?!” (Yes, he’s a little histrionic.) “Oh buddy,” I said. “I feel like that all the time.”
It stopped him in his tracks. He asked me for some examples of when and why. And then we had a whole conversation about how everyone feels like that sometimes! They really do just need to know you get it.
This is really interesting – – the “headline “approach to feelings is how physicians are trained to talk to patients in hospice and palliative care. With all the complicated emotions that come with critical illness and death, sometimes just mirroring a patient’s feelings can help them process.
I definitely find myself using that skill not just with patients…but with my three kids under seven (and sometimes my husband). It really works!
I love this so much, because I always try and offer solutions, or ask them how they feel which often doesn't actually help. This idea of crafting a headline (as a fellow journalist!) is something that feels very relatable. I'm definitely going to try it.
I know, it feels like we are hard-wired to try to problem-solve and help them!!!! So hard not to always do that. When you try the headline approach, please report back about how it goes!!!
This was very timely! Just last night I had a similar situation. Right now we’re on a big family beach trip to celebrate my sister in law’s wedding. My kids are (daughter) 8 & (stepson) 14 & the cousins range in age from 13 to 23 (two of them brought friends that are in that age range too). I went on a date night with my husband last night & when we got back I could tell my 8 year old was upset. We went to talk in private & it took awhile for her to be able to speak but eventually it came out that she hated being so much younger than everyone else here, she said she felt like a “side character”. She can’t talk about the same things, she doesn’t have a phone, she can’t swim like they do etc. I eventually said “I know it’s really hard when you feel left out.” We talked more, she was able to articulate exactly what it feels like to be a tween, she asked why she’s so much younger & I explained why it took so long to have her. I gave her a hug & she was able to go to bed feeling calm & heard. I’m not always able to handle these kinds of talks perfectly but I felt pretty good about this one!
Oh I love this!!!! “I know it’s really hard when you feel left out" is such a great phrase -- with those few words you communicated that you were really listening, you took her feelings seriously and you understood how hard that experience is.
As a mom of grown kids who didn’t do a great job validating their feelings, I’m so grateful for posts like this. I’m able to do so much better with my granddaughter.
I had a similar moment recently with my kindergartner who was being a real pain until I said, "Oh wait, are you nervous about the last day of school?" and he just started crying a little bit and cuddled up to us instead of punching his dad and refusing to brush his teeth! Transitions are surprisingly hard even if they seem like they should be fun (i.e., school transitioning to summer vacation). I've also had a couple moments recently with my 9-year-old where I'll point out something about how her friend might have a different perspective from her, and it seems like it just wouldn't have occurred to her without having it spelled out. She found out that two of her friends are going to see "How to Train Your Dragon" and didn't invite her, and she was bummed about it. I said, "Remember how you told them that you really don't like talking about dragons all the time at recess and asked them to stop? Hmmm..." She just kinda stared into the distance for a while...
Once when my son, then almost seven, was really upset, he cried out “HAVEN’T YOU EVER FELT FRUSTRATED AND HELPLESS LIKE THIS?!” (Yes, he’s a little histrionic.) “Oh buddy,” I said. “I feel like that all the time.”
It stopped him in his tracks. He asked me for some examples of when and why. And then we had a whole conversation about how everyone feels like that sometimes! They really do just need to know you get it.
This is really interesting – – the “headline “approach to feelings is how physicians are trained to talk to patients in hospice and palliative care. With all the complicated emotions that come with critical illness and death, sometimes just mirroring a patient’s feelings can help them process.
I definitely find myself using that skill not just with patients…but with my three kids under seven (and sometimes my husband). It really works!