I am definitely trying to sing more! I realized this week that I sing the most when I am putting my baby friends to sleep (White Christmas and Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas are two I sing often at this time of year), but I can also sing when my last little friend is with me at the end of the work day, and I can sing along with Hannah while listening to Taylor Swift- singing brings me so much joy!
I want to travel! Especially foreign travel. I keep putting off getting my passport renewed, who knows why, it’s just that other things are always more urgent. I have a whole travel bucket list and so do my kids. I play GeoGuessr and get virtually dropped in random places all over the world, but I want to really go to some of those places. I’ve barely been anywhere, and my kids are now at the age when they could handle it.
More singing would also be great! Now to find a karaoke night that works...
Singing is a great thing to do, Melinda! There's so much emerging research about its health benefits - especially the benefits of singing in a group (some are detailed in this Washington Post article). I've been singing with a men's choir called Conspiracy of Beards for more than a decade - we perform original arrangements of Leonard Cohen songs. It's a great social activity and a terrific way to make friends.
Thank you! Yes -- I sang in multiple singing groups in high school and college and loved it. And good news, I just found a chorale to join this winter... I cannot WAIT!!!!
I met my husband at karaoke so I always wonder if we should go to karaoke night more! I sing almost every night to my kids and I enjoy family karaoke too but it’s not quite the same. I want to play piano more. My MIL was asking about my trumpet I haven’t played regularly since 2006. I have book club and a girls’ trip planned next week so I’m mostly dealing with health anxiety and hoping my break plans will happen this year. After having the flu last year at Thanksgiving and being sick on both our vacations in summer 2022, I have had a hard time this year with not spiraling into anxiety about what could mess up our plans.
I feel like going out to karaoke is VERY different from family karaoke! I hope you can find some near you and try it. I hear you on the health anxiety -- fingers crossed for you! My husband and I have planned a night away next week for his birthday and we have engineered sleepovers for both kids and I'm just terrified one of them is going to get sick and we'll have to cancel the whole thing.
My kids go to school at different times for elementary and preschool and my husband called me at 8 am to say my 4 yo was vomiting, and now just heard it happened again. On the bright side if we are sick this weekend hopefully it won’t derail next weekends trip. 😩
Dancing! I used to go out dancing every weekend in college and the few years after, but when I moved from Atlanta to Knoxville, I abruptly stopped. Where do non-college folks dance anymore? My grandparents used to go out dancing when they had kids. Do we just not do that anymore? And no, not ballroom dancing.
Wow, that is timely! I have a Times subscription but missed this one. Love it! And that cockatoo has rhythm! I dance while I'm cooking and cleaning and with my kids, but there is something about dancing in a group when the only thing to do is dance. I will keep thinking of ways to incorporate it more.
YES! Dancing! I have been exploring some dance classes and events in our town geared toward adults. One is a national company called Dance Church that is pretty fun but I think target age group is a little younger than me, so I don’t know or love all the music. I went to an adult dance class last night featuring late 90s/early 00s hip hop, which was perfect. There was guidance of what to do but also sone free dancing. Both are in non mirrored, low light spaces, so really about enjoying dancing more than anything else. Also over by 8/9pm.
Whaaaat. That sounds like SO MUCH FUN! I'm an elder millennial, so late 90s / early 2000s is exactly my jam. And, as I mentioned, I'm from Atlanta, so hip hop makes it even better. Jealous! I take dance fitness classes at the Y, but it's not the same.
Rest. Actual rest. Time to sit, relax, read a (non-school, non-work) book, sip my coffee or go for a relaxed, non-fitness, walk outside. Really, anything that rejuvenates me. I want to be allowed to rest without thinking about the thousands of other things (grad school, work, kids, mom with dementia, husband, fitness, meal planning, laundry...) I constantly need to attend to. .
I wish I could write fiction! When I was younger (like in highschool), I wrote a ton both by myself and collaboratively on an online forum. I had just started getting back into writing a few years ago, and then I got pregnant at the beginning of 2020 and it just dried up. Now with 2 toddlers, I just haven't been able to get back to it.
I'd also like to be able to go skiing again, and I'd love to have people over more often. I'm finding that so many things don't feel possible when kids are this age (1.5 & 3).
You are definitely deep in the hardest parenting years when we all wind up sacrificing so much of our own interests. This is even true when we make a huge effort to not sacrifice our interests. The truth is the kid's needs are very high at this age and our cultural supports are nonexistent. It does get better as they get a little older.
For me I was able to start writing when my twins were about 4 yrs old and doing a few hours of pre-K 3 days a week. That said, writing over the next years came in fits and starts. It took me about 8 years to birth my parenting book!
One thing that might help you capture a bit of the feeling that you still get to embrace your own interests is to start a few Word documents where you just paste stuff of writing interest. I kept and still keep ones where I paste everything that I write. Like this will go in a document labeled "parenting writing." I also have one for "parenting articles" where I keep the title and link to things I read and like. For nonfiction, which I only just started writing, I keep files with rough title ideas and then just dump thoughts or writing article ideas. Later when your kids are older you'll have this file of inspiration, thoughts, and ideas. And while you build it you'll feel like you're holding onto a bit of your own passion. Again, life demands will make this come in fits and starts. You may have to put things down for a while but don't fret. You can pick them up again later and in the mean time it will all have stewed and grown in your brain.
For me, having people over was one of the most rewarding things I managed when the kids were young. But the trick for me was tweaking the format to make it do able. I set up a running get together/play date every Friday afternoon/ evening. I invited parents with kids of all ages to just come hang out. Parents would sit and chat while we let the kids go loose in the back yard. Having kids of wide age range can be really good for this. You get older kids and many parents all with an eye on the youngest. I never tried to "serve" food or coordinate anything. People showed up with or without snacks. No pressure. The community and adult support this brought into my life was hugely helpful in these early parenting years.
Hang in there! The early years can be tough but you're not alone!
In my family right now I keep bringing us back to what is the gift and the gratitude in all things - even the struggle of a fight between siblings. I want us to have more joy. Simply by changing our attitude and perspective. Love your work Melinda. Thank you and cheers to more cooking, singing and walking in nature!
I’m a fellow client of Dan Blank. And I also write on parenting. It’s on my wish list that you and I may be able to collaborate at some point in the future. Also excited to read your new book!
Feelings follow actions. So I take the action of literally saying out loud things I’m grateful for. I.e. I’m grateful I was able to have my children. I’m grateful they are healthy - even healthy enough to fight (any humor helps). I’m grateful they are learning what works and what does not work in social relationships. I’m grateful they feel close enough to let it all hang out with each other. I’m grateful and hopeful that they will mature and be super close when older. I’m grateful I can show them tools to regulate and find gratitude by stating this gratitude list out loud. Etc. When I do this, it helps shift my perspective and regulates myself so I can better navigate the situation and help them do the same. I also often will separate my kids when arguing and ask them to write 11 things they are grateful about their sibling and then share it with each other when they genuinely can.
My sister has one living child and she often says to me even seeing my kids fight makes her wish for another sibling for her daughter. I am thankful for both of them and their relationship. As I see them become better friends I find more moments to be grateful. I remind myself that conflict is a good opportunity to work on problem solving and they are learning more about their own emotional regulation with every passing day. I can also look back to how far we have come from the constant conflict of 3 years ago even if they still trigger me now. My almost 7 yo oldest is becoming more logical with his suggested compromises and even if 4.5 yo doesn’t go for it I appreciate seeing them practice.
I read a Busy Toddler post that says siblings are the longest relationship we will have that we don’t choose. They need a coach, not a referee, and we want them to continue to nurture that relationship beyond the time we are actively parenting them.
More alone time. Thanksgiving alone was such a gift.
I want to work on getting our house less cluttered. I do not want more cleaning in my life, but if we could get, gradually, one space at a time cleared off and then *maintain* them that way, it would contribute a lot to my peace of mind. Over Thanksgiving I managed to keep the kitchen counter from getting cluttered -- even though I did make myself more or less a full Thanksgiving dinner! -- which served as something of a proof of concept. I'm now trying to get my husband in that habit, and then we'll move on to the living room coffee table or the dining table.
I want more time to read and bake. I checked out 3 books from the library for Thanksgiving, as if I didn’t have a 1.5 year old at home, and have made it through 100 pages tops. I miss having long uninterrupted stretches of time to settle in with a good book.
Dec 7, 2023·edited Dec 7, 2023Liked by Melinda Wenner Moyer
More sunshine (then I shouldn't live in upstate NY, I suppose!). Less clutter (seconding Laura C on that one), being able to sleep until I wake up naturally. More staff at daycare so they can reopen the classroom my 2-year-old was in, he's bouncing off the walls being home all the time!
I love this topic. I have found holding onto both personal interests and simple pleasures a real challenge in our culture. And it got worse with the pandemic. I've been going thru a process where I'm consciously trying to remember what I used to do just for fun.
For me this is made even harder by the fact that my husband has very hyperactive ADHD and is a complete workaholic. He rarely initiates just for fun stuff and if I do I have to first deal with his resistance to not working. There is of course the things that are just for me.
So I want more: time outside in nature, travel - both local and farther a field, road trips, going out to movies, time with friends. Sigh. I feel like this question is hard and that seems sad. That I can't remember more of what is just fun.
Figuring out how to do this would unlock so much health and happiness for me. More impromptu gatherings. Less planned get togethers scheduled weeks out that feel like work update meetings
I want to entertain. I have family over frequently but not as many friends because we’re always so busy but I want to change that this year.
Ohhh that's such a great goal! It always feels so good to have friends over and laugh!
I am definitely trying to sing more! I realized this week that I sing the most when I am putting my baby friends to sleep (White Christmas and Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas are two I sing often at this time of year), but I can also sing when my last little friend is with me at the end of the work day, and I can sing along with Hannah while listening to Taylor Swift- singing brings me so much joy!
Yay!!!! Me too!!!!!
I want to travel! Especially foreign travel. I keep putting off getting my passport renewed, who knows why, it’s just that other things are always more urgent. I have a whole travel bucket list and so do my kids. I play GeoGuessr and get virtually dropped in random places all over the world, but I want to really go to some of those places. I’ve barely been anywhere, and my kids are now at the age when they could handle it.
More singing would also be great! Now to find a karaoke night that works...
Traveling this summer with the kids was SUCH a joy (I never thought I'd ever say that!!), so I hope you can get to do that soon!
And yes - karaoke! Did you know that the Barking Frog in Beacon has karaoke every Wednesday? Maybe we should try that?
Maybe! I wonder who the DJ is!
"Turning Point Entertainment," I think - have you heard of them?
No...just looked them up, and there’s very little info. Lots of info on the Turning Point music venue in Piermont, though!
Singing is a great thing to do, Melinda! There's so much emerging research about its health benefits - especially the benefits of singing in a group (some are detailed in this Washington Post article). I've been singing with a men's choir called Conspiracy of Beards for more than a decade - we perform original arrangements of Leonard Cohen songs. It's a great social activity and a terrific way to make friends.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2023/06/25/singing-with-others-mental-physical-health/
Thank you! Yes -- I sang in multiple singing groups in high school and college and loved it. And good news, I just found a chorale to join this winter... I cannot WAIT!!!!
Brian Eno would be in full support https://www.npr.org/2008/11/23/97320958/singing-the-key-to-a-long-life
Going to the movies, having quiet time where I can reflect on my thoughts, playing tennis.
I met my husband at karaoke so I always wonder if we should go to karaoke night more! I sing almost every night to my kids and I enjoy family karaoke too but it’s not quite the same. I want to play piano more. My MIL was asking about my trumpet I haven’t played regularly since 2006. I have book club and a girls’ trip planned next week so I’m mostly dealing with health anxiety and hoping my break plans will happen this year. After having the flu last year at Thanksgiving and being sick on both our vacations in summer 2022, I have had a hard time this year with not spiraling into anxiety about what could mess up our plans.
I feel like going out to karaoke is VERY different from family karaoke! I hope you can find some near you and try it. I hear you on the health anxiety -- fingers crossed for you! My husband and I have planned a night away next week for his birthday and we have engineered sleepovers for both kids and I'm just terrified one of them is going to get sick and we'll have to cancel the whole thing.
My kids go to school at different times for elementary and preschool and my husband called me at 8 am to say my 4 yo was vomiting, and now just heard it happened again. On the bright side if we are sick this weekend hopefully it won’t derail next weekends trip. 😩
Dancing! I used to go out dancing every weekend in college and the few years after, but when I moved from Atlanta to Knoxville, I abruptly stopped. Where do non-college folks dance anymore? My grandparents used to go out dancing when they had kids. Do we just not do that anymore? And no, not ballroom dancing.
I honestly don't know! But... did you see this? It came out this week and seems very timely! (This is a free gift link): https://www.nytimes.com/2023/12/02/briefing/why-dont-we-dance-more.html?unlocked_article_code=1.EE0.is95.lZV_zNNaW3rW&smid=url-share
Wow, that is timely! I have a Times subscription but missed this one. Love it! And that cockatoo has rhythm! I dance while I'm cooking and cleaning and with my kids, but there is something about dancing in a group when the only thing to do is dance. I will keep thinking of ways to incorporate it more.
YES! Dancing! I have been exploring some dance classes and events in our town geared toward adults. One is a national company called Dance Church that is pretty fun but I think target age group is a little younger than me, so I don’t know or love all the music. I went to an adult dance class last night featuring late 90s/early 00s hip hop, which was perfect. There was guidance of what to do but also sone free dancing. Both are in non mirrored, low light spaces, so really about enjoying dancing more than anything else. Also over by 8/9pm.
Whaaaat. That sounds like SO MUCH FUN! I'm an elder millennial, so late 90s / early 2000s is exactly my jam. And, as I mentioned, I'm from Atlanta, so hip hop makes it even better. Jealous! I take dance fitness classes at the Y, but it's not the same.
Rest. Actual rest. Time to sit, relax, read a (non-school, non-work) book, sip my coffee or go for a relaxed, non-fitness, walk outside. Really, anything that rejuvenates me. I want to be allowed to rest without thinking about the thousands of other things (grad school, work, kids, mom with dementia, husband, fitness, meal planning, laundry...) I constantly need to attend to. .
I hear that. Even when I DO have time, I don't allow myself to really relax, and now it's like I've forgotten how.
I have this problem too! I'll have 20 minutes of down time... and not know what to do with myself.
"Surely something needs tidying? Ohh I know, I'll get a Target order in. Oooo 20 minutes is enough time to get some muffins in the oven!"
1000%!!!!! I'm trying to get better about it but it is HARD.
I blame inertia.
I wish I could write fiction! When I was younger (like in highschool), I wrote a ton both by myself and collaboratively on an online forum. I had just started getting back into writing a few years ago, and then I got pregnant at the beginning of 2020 and it just dried up. Now with 2 toddlers, I just haven't been able to get back to it.
I'd also like to be able to go skiing again, and I'd love to have people over more often. I'm finding that so many things don't feel possible when kids are this age (1.5 & 3).
Yes you are IN IT with kids that age.... it's so hard. But you will get your life back!!!!
You are definitely deep in the hardest parenting years when we all wind up sacrificing so much of our own interests. This is even true when we make a huge effort to not sacrifice our interests. The truth is the kid's needs are very high at this age and our cultural supports are nonexistent. It does get better as they get a little older.
For me I was able to start writing when my twins were about 4 yrs old and doing a few hours of pre-K 3 days a week. That said, writing over the next years came in fits and starts. It took me about 8 years to birth my parenting book!
One thing that might help you capture a bit of the feeling that you still get to embrace your own interests is to start a few Word documents where you just paste stuff of writing interest. I kept and still keep ones where I paste everything that I write. Like this will go in a document labeled "parenting writing." I also have one for "parenting articles" where I keep the title and link to things I read and like. For nonfiction, which I only just started writing, I keep files with rough title ideas and then just dump thoughts or writing article ideas. Later when your kids are older you'll have this file of inspiration, thoughts, and ideas. And while you build it you'll feel like you're holding onto a bit of your own passion. Again, life demands will make this come in fits and starts. You may have to put things down for a while but don't fret. You can pick them up again later and in the mean time it will all have stewed and grown in your brain.
For me, having people over was one of the most rewarding things I managed when the kids were young. But the trick for me was tweaking the format to make it do able. I set up a running get together/play date every Friday afternoon/ evening. I invited parents with kids of all ages to just come hang out. Parents would sit and chat while we let the kids go loose in the back yard. Having kids of wide age range can be really good for this. You get older kids and many parents all with an eye on the youngest. I never tried to "serve" food or coordinate anything. People showed up with or without snacks. No pressure. The community and adult support this brought into my life was hugely helpful in these early parenting years.
Hang in there! The early years can be tough but you're not alone!
In my family right now I keep bringing us back to what is the gift and the gratitude in all things - even the struggle of a fight between siblings. I want us to have more joy. Simply by changing our attitude and perspective. Love your work Melinda. Thank you and cheers to more cooking, singing and walking in nature!
Thank you!!!! Cheers to more gratitude and joy for you and your family!
I’m a fellow client of Dan Blank. And I also write on parenting. It’s on my wish list that you and I may be able to collaborate at some point in the future. Also excited to read your new book!
Helpful reframe. How do help yourself feel gratitude about sibling fighting? It’s so tough for me
Feelings follow actions. So I take the action of literally saying out loud things I’m grateful for. I.e. I’m grateful I was able to have my children. I’m grateful they are healthy - even healthy enough to fight (any humor helps). I’m grateful they are learning what works and what does not work in social relationships. I’m grateful they feel close enough to let it all hang out with each other. I’m grateful and hopeful that they will mature and be super close when older. I’m grateful I can show them tools to regulate and find gratitude by stating this gratitude list out loud. Etc. When I do this, it helps shift my perspective and regulates myself so I can better navigate the situation and help them do the same. I also often will separate my kids when arguing and ask them to write 11 things they are grateful about their sibling and then share it with each other when they genuinely can.
Thank you for sharing how you do this. The arguing can be so dysregulating to me and I appreciate you sharing this perspective
My sister has one living child and she often says to me even seeing my kids fight makes her wish for another sibling for her daughter. I am thankful for both of them and their relationship. As I see them become better friends I find more moments to be grateful. I remind myself that conflict is a good opportunity to work on problem solving and they are learning more about their own emotional regulation with every passing day. I can also look back to how far we have come from the constant conflict of 3 years ago even if they still trigger me now. My almost 7 yo oldest is becoming more logical with his suggested compromises and even if 4.5 yo doesn’t go for it I appreciate seeing them practice.
I read a Busy Toddler post that says siblings are the longest relationship we will have that we don’t choose. They need a coach, not a referee, and we want them to continue to nurture that relationship beyond the time we are actively parenting them.
More alone time. Thanksgiving alone was such a gift.
I want to work on getting our house less cluttered. I do not want more cleaning in my life, but if we could get, gradually, one space at a time cleared off and then *maintain* them that way, it would contribute a lot to my peace of mind. Over Thanksgiving I managed to keep the kitchen counter from getting cluttered -- even though I did make myself more or less a full Thanksgiving dinner! -- which served as something of a proof of concept. I'm now trying to get my husband in that habit, and then we'll move on to the living room coffee table or the dining table.
This is great! And I hear you -- I feel so clear-minded when important spaces in the house aren't cluttered.
I'm totally with you on the clutter!
I want more time to read and bake. I checked out 3 books from the library for Thanksgiving, as if I didn’t have a 1.5 year old at home, and have made it through 100 pages tops. I miss having long uninterrupted stretches of time to settle in with a good book.
More sunshine (then I shouldn't live in upstate NY, I suppose!). Less clutter (seconding Laura C on that one), being able to sleep until I wake up naturally. More staff at daycare so they can reopen the classroom my 2-year-old was in, he's bouncing off the walls being home all the time!
Wow, Allyson, daycare staffing shortage sucks. For everyone! I hope it gets sorted out soon.
Oh my gosh yes that's so hard! I'm so sorry!!!!
I love this topic. I have found holding onto both personal interests and simple pleasures a real challenge in our culture. And it got worse with the pandemic. I've been going thru a process where I'm consciously trying to remember what I used to do just for fun.
For me this is made even harder by the fact that my husband has very hyperactive ADHD and is a complete workaholic. He rarely initiates just for fun stuff and if I do I have to first deal with his resistance to not working. There is of course the things that are just for me.
So I want more: time outside in nature, travel - both local and farther a field, road trips, going out to movies, time with friends. Sigh. I feel like this question is hard and that seems sad. That I can't remember more of what is just fun.
I want to see friends throughout the week. Not just on a planned weekend on a month.
Also I want our government to pay attention to all the ways that we’re collapsing from burnout (systemic and otherwise!)
Figuring out how to do this would unlock so much health and happiness for me. More impromptu gatherings. Less planned get togethers scheduled weeks out that feel like work update meetings
I want to just... hang out with my friends. Not make plans, just. Exist in the same place and laugh.