Oh boy do I feel this!! Deciding things and finding things. One day off from all that mental load work. Can you imagine? Manifesting this for you and for us.
YES!!! I want to not be in charge or make any plans or decisions for one whole day.
The problem, of course, is that if I don't give direction, the lovely people in my life make plans that end up forcing me to do work and make decisions...
I wanted to share a follow-up to this post about decision fatigue. This Mother's Day, it happened again..."What do you want....." but I tried something new and wanted to share because it worked brilliantly. My response was: "Surprise me!" and that was it. I didn't have to decide and was pleasantly surprised by the outcome - both by the actual surprise (which was lunch) and how easy it felt. I'm definitely putting that one in my back pocket and sharing here for anyone else, too! <3
I stopped riding my bike when I was pregnant, mostly because I was too exhausted. 3ish years later, I'm still exhausted but I need to get started again. Going to attempt a shortish ride this weekend. What I want for Mother's Day is for this to be a positive experience. I want to wake up the next day feeling sore in a good way as opposed to regretting everything.
This is a tricky one, because first I had to get really clear with myself about what I actually want. If I don't even know, how could anyone else? I realized I want three things: to not get out of bed before 8am, to eat at a specific restaurant, and to receive cards from my kids. I booked the restaurant myself and invited my mom, knowing she would also like that place and be happy to spend the time with my family. I told my husband about the reservation after I'd made it and then I told him about the other two things I want.
I agree -- it can be really hard to figure out what to ask for on Mother's Day. Because what you really want may not be what you can actually, realistically, get (and that may bring up complicating feelings, too). So it's like you have to think about what you want within certain constraints that may or may not feel fair. And we as women have been socialized for our entire lives to put others' needs/desires first, so it can be really hard to even just recognize what we want! The antennae have been facing the wrong direction!
I leave Sunday afternoon for a work trip. And I’m honestly so excited to be on the plane myself and to sleep there. In the morning we’re going to do bagels and lox. Keep it simple. Sidenote: I’m glad you’re back to doing prompts and inviting us to share!!
Oh boy, the KIDS’ expectations for Mother’s Day is a relatively new one for me! I feel like I’ve gotten pretty good at asking for what I’d really want on Mother’s Day (morning to myself, brunch with mom friends that I/we don’t have to plan or facilitate), but now that my girls are older (10 and 6), I’m feeling THEIR expectations for spending the day together, and it’s messing with my mom guilt for sure. My solution is to declare a Mother’s Day weekend of multiple days where we can all get our needs and expectations met. 🙃
Yes! One day is for you--to get a massage, sleep in or read a book with a fancy coffee and not be interrupted. And one day is for the performative mother's day stuff--the kids making a messy breakfast or a big family dinner with extended family or whatnot!
I don't hold with Mother's Day -- we didn't observe it at all in my family. But I always kind of want time to myself, so if my husband wants to take our kid to his mother's and make her feel appreciated on Mother's Day, I'm all for it.
Both of my kids have hockey practice this weekend (Saturday evening and Sunday afternoon). My husband and I usually trade off but I asked for the weekend off from driving to, and sitting in, the cold rink. (Now that time may end up getting filled by urgent work stuff, which is annoying in a different way.)
What I'd really like to ask for but seems impossible is a weekend off from anticipating everyone's needs (costume for dance recital, plans for school field trips next week, who will need laundry when for which team). I can take the time off from doing the work but then will spend next week making up for it, when I won't have the time to spare.
"What I'd really like to ask for but seems impossible is a weekend off from anticipating everyone's needs (costume for dance recital, plans for school field trips next week, who will need laundry when for which team). I can take the time off from doing the work but then will spend next week making up for it, when I won't have the time to spare."
Honestly, this is one of the biggest perks of divorce/separation. When my kids are at their dad's, ALL the mental labor goes with it. Everything is out of my hands. It is glorious.
I HATE Mother's Day for all the reasons you mentioned--you articulated it perfectly Melinda. I also hate that it makes people sad: people who want to be mothers, people who have lost mothers or who have a poor/fraught relationship with their mothers.
I still ask for gifts though, LOL--I asked for gardening stuff. I brand new to gardening so I didn't ask for anything specific. My husband is in Australia for his parents 50th wedding anniversary so my four kids are on their own, but my 15 year old let me know they have something up their sleeve.
This is very kind of you. I lost my mother when I was 17 and I struggled with infertility for almost 10 years. I also had to go no contact with my dad in my 20s for my own wellbeing and healing, so I understand the third point in context of Father’s Day.
The day can be a painful reminder of the grief one sits with that never truly goes away, and I think that’s OK and just part of processing one’s feelings. I never once felt bad about other people celebrating the day, and I’m sure I’m not alone. It’s not on you or others to feel accountable for someone’s grief, so I hope you can feel free to enjoy the day without worrying about others who might not enjoy it!
My personal rule for mother's day is that I'm not cooking or doing any chores. The routines have changed a lot as my kids (now 12 and 17) have gotten older. It used to be a more fraught day because I felt obligated to make plans with my MIL (who is not an easy person) and my mom. I've let that fall totally by the wayside in recent years -- my husband manages his mother, including cards, gifts, and plans. I don't get involved at all. Letting myself off the hook for constantly 'just checking' that he's taking care of his obligations is a big plus. My mom offered to let me just rest on mother's day if I wanted to. I did! So we're going out for dinner Saturday night, just the two of us. Sunday morning I told my husband and kids that I want to go to Donut Run, which is supposed to have the best donuts in DC, and then to People's Books in Takoma Park, which is a fantastic bookstore. And my husband is getting me some pre-rolled joints for a present. Weed, donuts, books and no obligations -- that's a good day!
Also adding that we have always encouraged our kids to make sure they have cards and small, thoughtful presents for mother's and father's day. It's not that we need gifts from our kids, but I think it's important to socialize boys into planning and taking responsibility for these things....which is hopefully something their future loved ones will benefit from.
I, too, used to make sure my husband remembered his mother on Mother's Day (and dad for Father's day, and his sister's birthday, and....). I've stopped. It's his job to manage his relationships with his family, especially since they're difficult and I've struggled to deal with them in the past. I no longer buy them birthday or Mother's Day or Christmas gifts - that's his job, and if he doesn't do it and they're mad at me that "we" didn't buy them gifts, well, too bad. It's really freeing.
I'm glad you get to do so many cool things for your mother's day! Enjoy!
YES! I stopped doing this (I mean I told him I was) and it's so freeing to let him figure out what to do for his family without having to worry about it. I take care of my family and there's plenty to do there and staying out of whatever he wants to do for his family has given me a lot of mental space back!
I want to only do the fun parts of parenting and not the frustrating parts. I want my husband to deal with getting my kids dressed and making them wash their hands and breaking up arguments. I want to get to play with them in my parents' pool and bake a chocolate cake and eat it with them. I want to not have to be the organizer and planner, and just get to take the day as it comes. I don't want to have to plan or cook dinner. I told my husband of this last weekend....we'll see how it works out! There's a pizza in our freezer for dinner so I don't have to cook (or brave a restaurant on one of the busiest restaurant days of the year).
I told my daughter I want her help in the yard -- the weather is going to be beautiful here, and it's time to mix in some compost and get planting! I have been divorced for almost five years now, and at first I was overwhelmed at taking care of a yard on my own (not that my husband did it -- but with two incomes we could pay for lots of help). Now it's one of my favorite things to do and it makes me so happy. I hope you have a great Mother's Day too, Melinda!
At first I didn't want to plan anything but I also know my husband has a very hard time with nothing planned and then would likely plan something that was more effort on my part. I asked for iced coffee and a donut in bed and to go see the new Marvel movie, the three of us, in the afternoon and I asked if we could NOT drive the over an hour out to his mom's or sister's for mother's day as the only person still in active parenting (as in, a kid still at home). So they are coming here, which is fine as long as he figures out the dinner stuff. I also said that I didn't need any presents but if he was going to anyway I sent him links to two things I would like. It feels weird to be that decisive about mother's day but I'm also more likely to have an enjoyable one if I communicate really clearly about what I want AND if I just give up about having to spend time with his family on mother's day. Like, I asked for what I wanted for the day and then when his family comes for dinner, then I don't have to think about it as anything in regards to me, you know? In the past I've also asked if Saturday can be my mother's day if we have to do brunch with his family. That felt better to me too than having to try to pretend that a big family brunch with his mom and sister is celebrating me as a mom at all.
I feel like moms of younger kids want the day to themselves, or to spend it with other moms sans-children. But moms who have transitioned into a new phase of like (like grandmas or even empty nesters) want to spend the day with the kids. Can we just all agree that we should make all the moms happy by sending young kids to grandmas or mom-type surrogates and let the young moms have a day to not mom? Win-win.
This is a rambling and meant to be silly suggestion - but not without a smidge of legitimacy as I would love nothing more than to send my own young children to spend the day with my mom (who would also love this plan) so I could have a blessed day alone but it’s not logistically feasible.
I haven’t asked for anything this year. Just last month I took a week long vacation to New York with my two older sisters & a friend (it was great we saw 8 Broadway shows!) so I don’t really feel like I need the Mom’s day off type of Mother’s Day.
It also is kind of a weird day because I’m a mom AND a stepmom & I never get to celebrate with my stepson. He lives with us 75% of the time, he considers me another mom but I never wanted to put him in a position where he felt like he had to choose who to spend the day with so he always goes to his mom’s house Mother’s Day weekend. If we plan something fun to do I always feel a little sad that he’s not doing it with us.
Not to mention my husband has ADHD & when I asked if he’d sent anything to his mom this week (who lives on the other side of the country) he got irritated & said “It would have been helpful if you had reminded me early enough to do something in time.” 🙄 I’m sorry how is that my job? I get that it’s harder for him to remember stuff but like that’s what calendars & electronic reminders are for! Usually we’re pretty good at sharing the load for getting things done but I definitely have more of the mental load (I’m the one who wakes up 30 minutes before my alarm goes off panicked because “Wait! I was supposed to rsvp by yesterday at the latest to that bday invite for daughter & when did stepson need that trifold display board for Science Night?!”)
Ultimately I think I just want to eat take out & have time to puzzle, walk the dogs, & read on Mother’s Day with or without my daughter. My husband did get me a new Brita pitcher (which is actually a nice thoughtful gift as I have been complaining about our old broken one for weeks!, he will likely get me flowers or something too :)
I'm taking my mother's day a day early. I'm letting my husband handle the kids for a day, while I head out to a photography workshop a couple of hours' drive away from where we live, after which I'll head straight to a gallery opening I've been invited to. Days like this are so rare for me. I'm indulging in my passions, travelling a tiny bit, meeting friends and mixing with interesting strangers. And I know that tomorrow I'll feel happier to be with my family because I'll have reminded myself that I'm not defined only by my relationships with them. I'll feel rounder and less resentful. And that can only be a good thing for us all. 😊✨️
Mother's Day is not my favorite holiday; I don't have a positive relationship with my own mother, my grandmother is in late-stage dementia, and I love my child but would rather go for a hike alone, so the holiday mostly feels like obligation without any payoff. My ultimate mother's day gift would be for everyone to just magically forget the holiday entirely, but sadly I don't think that's going to happen.
I feel like all I ever do is make decisions for everyone. All I want is to not have to make a decision. Even if it's "what do you want for dinner?"
Oh boy do I feel this!! Deciding things and finding things. One day off from all that mental load work. Can you imagine? Manifesting this for you and for us.
YES! I don't want to use my brain on Sunday!
Yes! Even the "what do you want to do for Mother's Day?" decision. I literally want to not decide!
YES!
YES!!! I want to not be in charge or make any plans or decisions for one whole day.
The problem, of course, is that if I don't give direction, the lovely people in my life make plans that end up forcing me to do work and make decisions...
I hear you there!!
oh, I feel that!
You speak to my heart, Arielle!!
I wanted to share a follow-up to this post about decision fatigue. This Mother's Day, it happened again..."What do you want....." but I tried something new and wanted to share because it worked brilliantly. My response was: "Surprise me!" and that was it. I didn't have to decide and was pleasantly surprised by the outcome - both by the actual surprise (which was lunch) and how easy it felt. I'm definitely putting that one in my back pocket and sharing here for anyone else, too! <3
I stopped riding my bike when I was pregnant, mostly because I was too exhausted. 3ish years later, I'm still exhausted but I need to get started again. Going to attempt a shortish ride this weekend. What I want for Mother's Day is for this to be a positive experience. I want to wake up the next day feeling sore in a good way as opposed to regretting everything.
I hope it goes well!!!!
This is a tricky one, because first I had to get really clear with myself about what I actually want. If I don't even know, how could anyone else? I realized I want three things: to not get out of bed before 8am, to eat at a specific restaurant, and to receive cards from my kids. I booked the restaurant myself and invited my mom, knowing she would also like that place and be happy to spend the time with my family. I told my husband about the reservation after I'd made it and then I told him about the other two things I want.
I agree -- it can be really hard to figure out what to ask for on Mother's Day. Because what you really want may not be what you can actually, realistically, get (and that may bring up complicating feelings, too). So it's like you have to think about what you want within certain constraints that may or may not feel fair. And we as women have been socialized for our entire lives to put others' needs/desires first, so it can be really hard to even just recognize what we want! The antennae have been facing the wrong direction!
I leave Sunday afternoon for a work trip. And I’m honestly so excited to be on the plane myself and to sleep there. In the morning we’re going to do bagels and lox. Keep it simple. Sidenote: I’m glad you’re back to doing prompts and inviting us to share!!
Oh boy, the KIDS’ expectations for Mother’s Day is a relatively new one for me! I feel like I’ve gotten pretty good at asking for what I’d really want on Mother’s Day (morning to myself, brunch with mom friends that I/we don’t have to plan or facilitate), but now that my girls are older (10 and 6), I’m feeling THEIR expectations for spending the day together, and it’s messing with my mom guilt for sure. My solution is to declare a Mother’s Day weekend of multiple days where we can all get our needs and expectations met. 🙃
Yes! They can have VERY intense and specific expectations and it is very hard! I love your solution!!
Yes! One day is for you--to get a massage, sleep in or read a book with a fancy coffee and not be interrupted. And one day is for the performative mother's day stuff--the kids making a messy breakfast or a big family dinner with extended family or whatnot!
I don't hold with Mother's Day -- we didn't observe it at all in my family. But I always kind of want time to myself, so if my husband wants to take our kid to his mother's and make her feel appreciated on Mother's Day, I'm all for it.
Both of my kids have hockey practice this weekend (Saturday evening and Sunday afternoon). My husband and I usually trade off but I asked for the weekend off from driving to, and sitting in, the cold rink. (Now that time may end up getting filled by urgent work stuff, which is annoying in a different way.)
What I'd really like to ask for but seems impossible is a weekend off from anticipating everyone's needs (costume for dance recital, plans for school field trips next week, who will need laundry when for which team). I can take the time off from doing the work but then will spend next week making up for it, when I won't have the time to spare.
I know this feeling, Michele!
"What I'd really like to ask for but seems impossible is a weekend off from anticipating everyone's needs (costume for dance recital, plans for school field trips next week, who will need laundry when for which team). I can take the time off from doing the work but then will spend next week making up for it, when I won't have the time to spare."
Gosh, I feel this deep in my bones. Solidarity.
Honestly, this is one of the biggest perks of divorce/separation. When my kids are at their dad's, ALL the mental labor goes with it. Everything is out of my hands. It is glorious.
I HATE Mother's Day for all the reasons you mentioned--you articulated it perfectly Melinda. I also hate that it makes people sad: people who want to be mothers, people who have lost mothers or who have a poor/fraught relationship with their mothers.
I still ask for gifts though, LOL--I asked for gardening stuff. I brand new to gardening so I didn't ask for anything specific. My husband is in Australia for his parents 50th wedding anniversary so my four kids are on their own, but my 15 year old let me know they have something up their sleeve.
This is very kind of you. I lost my mother when I was 17 and I struggled with infertility for almost 10 years. I also had to go no contact with my dad in my 20s for my own wellbeing and healing, so I understand the third point in context of Father’s Day.
The day can be a painful reminder of the grief one sits with that never truly goes away, and I think that’s OK and just part of processing one’s feelings. I never once felt bad about other people celebrating the day, and I’m sure I’m not alone. It’s not on you or others to feel accountable for someone’s grief, so I hope you can feel free to enjoy the day without worrying about others who might not enjoy it!
My personal rule for mother's day is that I'm not cooking or doing any chores. The routines have changed a lot as my kids (now 12 and 17) have gotten older. It used to be a more fraught day because I felt obligated to make plans with my MIL (who is not an easy person) and my mom. I've let that fall totally by the wayside in recent years -- my husband manages his mother, including cards, gifts, and plans. I don't get involved at all. Letting myself off the hook for constantly 'just checking' that he's taking care of his obligations is a big plus. My mom offered to let me just rest on mother's day if I wanted to. I did! So we're going out for dinner Saturday night, just the two of us. Sunday morning I told my husband and kids that I want to go to Donut Run, which is supposed to have the best donuts in DC, and then to People's Books in Takoma Park, which is a fantastic bookstore. And my husband is getting me some pre-rolled joints for a present. Weed, donuts, books and no obligations -- that's a good day!
Also adding that we have always encouraged our kids to make sure they have cards and small, thoughtful presents for mother's and father's day. It's not that we need gifts from our kids, but I think it's important to socialize boys into planning and taking responsibility for these things....which is hopefully something their future loved ones will benefit from.
yessss love this. I love all of this in fact!!
I, too, used to make sure my husband remembered his mother on Mother's Day (and dad for Father's day, and his sister's birthday, and....). I've stopped. It's his job to manage his relationships with his family, especially since they're difficult and I've struggled to deal with them in the past. I no longer buy them birthday or Mother's Day or Christmas gifts - that's his job, and if he doesn't do it and they're mad at me that "we" didn't buy them gifts, well, too bad. It's really freeing.
I'm glad you get to do so many cool things for your mother's day! Enjoy!
YES! I stopped doing this (I mean I told him I was) and it's so freeing to let him figure out what to do for his family without having to worry about it. I take care of my family and there's plenty to do there and staying out of whatever he wants to do for his family has given me a lot of mental space back!
Jen, we must be in the same area -- love People's Book! I'm going to Politics and Prose tomorrow as part of my weekend treats to myself. :)
We're actually hiking over from Virginia. We love Takoma Park so it's worth it. Love Politics and Prose! Have a good weekend of treats... :)
I want to only do the fun parts of parenting and not the frustrating parts. I want my husband to deal with getting my kids dressed and making them wash their hands and breaking up arguments. I want to get to play with them in my parents' pool and bake a chocolate cake and eat it with them. I want to not have to be the organizer and planner, and just get to take the day as it comes. I don't want to have to plan or cook dinner. I told my husband of this last weekend....we'll see how it works out! There's a pizza in our freezer for dinner so I don't have to cook (or brave a restaurant on one of the busiest restaurant days of the year).
I hope you get this! Kudos to you for telling him this is what you want!
I told my daughter I want her help in the yard -- the weather is going to be beautiful here, and it's time to mix in some compost and get planting! I have been divorced for almost five years now, and at first I was overwhelmed at taking care of a yard on my own (not that my husband did it -- but with two incomes we could pay for lots of help). Now it's one of my favorite things to do and it makes me so happy. I hope you have a great Mother's Day too, Melinda!
At first I didn't want to plan anything but I also know my husband has a very hard time with nothing planned and then would likely plan something that was more effort on my part. I asked for iced coffee and a donut in bed and to go see the new Marvel movie, the three of us, in the afternoon and I asked if we could NOT drive the over an hour out to his mom's or sister's for mother's day as the only person still in active parenting (as in, a kid still at home). So they are coming here, which is fine as long as he figures out the dinner stuff. I also said that I didn't need any presents but if he was going to anyway I sent him links to two things I would like. It feels weird to be that decisive about mother's day but I'm also more likely to have an enjoyable one if I communicate really clearly about what I want AND if I just give up about having to spend time with his family on mother's day. Like, I asked for what I wanted for the day and then when his family comes for dinner, then I don't have to think about it as anything in regards to me, you know? In the past I've also asked if Saturday can be my mother's day if we have to do brunch with his family. That felt better to me too than having to try to pretend that a big family brunch with his mom and sister is celebrating me as a mom at all.
I love that you were this decisive and communicative!!! I hope you have a wonderful day!
I feel like moms of younger kids want the day to themselves, or to spend it with other moms sans-children. But moms who have transitioned into a new phase of like (like grandmas or even empty nesters) want to spend the day with the kids. Can we just all agree that we should make all the moms happy by sending young kids to grandmas or mom-type surrogates and let the young moms have a day to not mom? Win-win.
This is a rambling and meant to be silly suggestion - but not without a smidge of legitimacy as I would love nothing more than to send my own young children to spend the day with my mom (who would also love this plan) so I could have a blessed day alone but it’s not logistically feasible.
I love this solution :)
I haven’t asked for anything this year. Just last month I took a week long vacation to New York with my two older sisters & a friend (it was great we saw 8 Broadway shows!) so I don’t really feel like I need the Mom’s day off type of Mother’s Day.
It also is kind of a weird day because I’m a mom AND a stepmom & I never get to celebrate with my stepson. He lives with us 75% of the time, he considers me another mom but I never wanted to put him in a position where he felt like he had to choose who to spend the day with so he always goes to his mom’s house Mother’s Day weekend. If we plan something fun to do I always feel a little sad that he’s not doing it with us.
Not to mention my husband has ADHD & when I asked if he’d sent anything to his mom this week (who lives on the other side of the country) he got irritated & said “It would have been helpful if you had reminded me early enough to do something in time.” 🙄 I’m sorry how is that my job? I get that it’s harder for him to remember stuff but like that’s what calendars & electronic reminders are for! Usually we’re pretty good at sharing the load for getting things done but I definitely have more of the mental load (I’m the one who wakes up 30 minutes before my alarm goes off panicked because “Wait! I was supposed to rsvp by yesterday at the latest to that bday invite for daughter & when did stepson need that trifold display board for Science Night?!”)
Ultimately I think I just want to eat take out & have time to puzzle, walk the dogs, & read on Mother’s Day with or without my daughter. My husband did get me a new Brita pitcher (which is actually a nice thoughtful gift as I have been complaining about our old broken one for weeks!, he will likely get me flowers or something too :)
I'm taking my mother's day a day early. I'm letting my husband handle the kids for a day, while I head out to a photography workshop a couple of hours' drive away from where we live, after which I'll head straight to a gallery opening I've been invited to. Days like this are so rare for me. I'm indulging in my passions, travelling a tiny bit, meeting friends and mixing with interesting strangers. And I know that tomorrow I'll feel happier to be with my family because I'll have reminded myself that I'm not defined only by my relationships with them. I'll feel rounder and less resentful. And that can only be a good thing for us all. 😊✨️
Mother's Day is not my favorite holiday; I don't have a positive relationship with my own mother, my grandmother is in late-stage dementia, and I love my child but would rather go for a hike alone, so the holiday mostly feels like obligation without any payoff. My ultimate mother's day gift would be for everyone to just magically forget the holiday entirely, but sadly I don't think that's going to happen.