What Are Your Kids' Phone Rules?
Help me brainstorm as we approach a big milestone!
Greetings, everyone! I’m recovering from some kind of evil bug I picked up in Philadelphia last week. I am feeling much better now, and am testing negative for Covid, which is a relief. But I’m definitely still taking it easy.
My eldest is turning 13 later this month, and for his birthday he may or may not be getting his first iPhone. (!!!!) So I want to crowdsource today and learn more about what structures you have for your kids surrounding phone use.
Some things we think we are going to do:
No social media (except for YouTube and TikTok, but we will likely set up Family Pairing for TikTok to limit content and set time limits. Anyone know if there’s a way to do this with YouTube, without having to resort to YouTube Kids?)
No phones during dinner and other family rituals or adventures
Phone gets charged in the kitchen starting at 8pm every night
Phone can’t be used at school
What ground rules do you have, and why do you have them? And if you have opted against certain rules, please share why!
I really want to make this a shame-free zone. I often feel guilt and worry when I discover that I have fewer or different tech rules than other parents do — I think “Oh my god, should I do that too, am I totally screwing up my kid?” But then I remind myself: Every kid is different, every family is different, and every community is different. If you have a unique framework for managing phone use, that does NOT mean you’re “doing it wrong.” It just means you’re making different choices because you have a different family!
Still, even though we’re all different (omg how many times am I going to use this word in this post?), I’m curious to hear how you handle things. In her book The Art of Screen Time, Anya Kamenetz explains that although it makes sense that parents rarely talk to other parents about how they manage technology (it’s such a sensitive, potentially shame-inducing topic), it’s really a lost opportunity — because we can all learn so much from each other. I can’t wait to learn from you!
I was going to post about YouTube controls but I see that has already been shared.
One thing that I think can be really valuable about this phone intro is it is a great time to re-evaluate your own phone usage. Obviously your don't HAVE to abide by the same rules as your kid, but blatant hypocrisy (no phones at the dinner table for the kids but the parents are on them, no constant headphones but the parents have them, etc) WILL be noticed and will undermine both what you're trying to teach, and your kid's willingness to abide by your rules.
I've also seen kids react well to seeing their parents struggling with the same rules; it highlights how tricky phone use can be to regulate.
- See the recent APA study that dropped this week— a closer look at social media potential benefits and (mostly) precautions.
- personally, I am team Prof Jonathan Haidt. He says delay smartphones til 14, social til 16, for good reason (see After Babel and the Anxious Generation). Maybe read that book first and see how you feel?
- watch the social dilemma (2020), it holds up. i am gen z (2021) too. see how you feel after?
- note that a smartphone isn't a phone. it's a pocket-sized supercomputer. Max Stossel quote. He's great and speaks at schools to both parents and tweens / teens. he is the education advisor for the center for humane technology founded by tristan harris and aza raskin.
-before asking yourself is my child ready to have access to the internet, ask yourself, are you ready for the internet to have access to your child? (Catherine Price asks this question and has ample research on smartphone alternatives like the gabb, the pinwheel, the troomi, the light, flips, etc.) She is great!
- consider reframing it as a tool versus a bday gift. Like you got braces because you need them. Or you get to ride in the front because you're tall enough and weigh enough now.
- consider reframing it as this is a family phone on loan. Similar to borrowing the family car. Ie now that you have a driver's licence, you can borrow my car, but you have to make sure you roll up the windows when it's raining, lock it, and return it with gas.
-staying w that analogy make sure the child has the equivalent of driver's ed, learner's permit, etc. before a phone. scaffold and remove scaffolding gradually. start strict then cede ground over time (latter is Lisa Damour advice)
- if you go with an Apple product, their stores offer free getting started classes and you can ask all the questions you want and customize your settings with a store 'genius' guiding the way. Look at their today at apple and choose families, it's usually a 60 min session at a local store. you can also book a private group with your close parent pals and get on a similar page or at least receive the same info and bounce ideas around.
- normalize a phone basket for when the child's friends come over esp sleepovers. so they actually interact vs all stare into their screens or are "permanently elsewhere."
- no phones in the bedroom is what I hear most.
- I have a psychologist friend who has a no walking around the house with your eyes on the phone rule, and no phones in the car, love those.
- if you are going to monitor his texts / usage, make sure he knows from the get go (Devorah Heitner has a lot to say about this)
- Tech Without Stress is run by two PhD educators at Harvard and Brown and is a guide for when they have a phone. They also offer a tech without stress online course and a first phone guide that's downloadable.
- Thoughts from a Digital Mom is a substack written by a great mom who used to work at Snapchat and has recent (helpful, shame-free) things to say about YouTube shorts (mom of boys), check out her substack
- if you go with an iphone at age 13 you're opening the can of worms. gotta talk candidly about porn, digital forgery, non-consensual sexual imagery, deepfakes, deepnudes, mis/disinformation, how the algorithm works to push extreme content to its users even if they're not actively looking for it, etc. it's pretty daunting.
- Hope this is helpful, Melinda! I appreciate your substack. Found you through Adam Grant. Which reminds me... I'm sure you've seen the Sapien Labs study (2023) as well... ? That is an important look at the age of smartphone and correlations to mental health with a big sample size.
- net net I hear the most respected psychologists saying Delay Delay Delay.
- I'm holding off by giving my 11 year old more freedom and responsibility in the real world (vs the virtual world) and she seems ok with the tradeoff, most of the time. she's not 13 yet... so easy for me to say I guess.... I think there is a cultural shift that's going to happen—that is already happening— so I think a pause might be helpful. because once the toothpaste is out of the tube... I hear it's impossible to put back in.
good luck! :)