I’d love to read about: ADHD medication for kids, ADHD in girls, and phobias kids have and ways to deal with them--my daughter (just turned 7) has a fear of movies that didn’t used to seem like a big deal but has become more intense and is now stopping her from doing things and going places where a movie might be on so we’re going to begin to address it (among other things) with a therapist. But I remember students I worked with when I was a teacher who also had specific fears (one of the school mascot and one of fire drills) and wonder if phobias have increased as anxiety has increased and what the research says about best ways to address them.
Excellent suggestion about phobias! My 11-year-old has phobia of fire drills, and so far talk therapy hasn’t helped a whole lot. But it has helped his generalized anxiety, which turns the temperature down on some of his worries that there could be a fire drill. In our state they require monthly fire drills so this is an ongoing concern.
I really liked that one and wanted more! :) ADHD and substance abuse and risk taking are of particular interest (I say as my 9-year-old is currently riding his bike around our neighborhood).
Given that we talk about kids potentially being assholes here, I’m wondering if there’s a way to tease apart generational differences in how we define what an “asshole” is. I.e., I think many Millennial parents place a high premium on self-care for parents, so we don’t act like assholes to our kids. At the same time, some of us place less emphasis on compliance for compliance’s sake in our kids, because we want them to understand or even co-create the boundaries we’re setting. This may make them seem like assholes to our own parents, who were taught parenting methods that were really grounded in behaviorist thinking and “training” your kid to be quiet and obedient, maybe at the expense of their later mental health and self regulation. How can we bridge this divide? Could there be something in writing that we can forward to them that helps make this clear, diplomatically?
I am also interested in generational differences in parenting, but haven’t found much research on it. My partner and I are Millennials and have a very different parenting style than our Gen X siblings and Boomer parents. They are all horrified at our gentle parenting approach to discipline and anti-diet approach to mealtimes.
Yes, I have been thinking of this in light of my recent viewing of Shiny Happy People (can we talk about that???) and I’ve been thinking about how if obedience and compliance are the most valued, other important aspects fall by the wayside. I think we’ve talked about authoritarian vs. authoritative parenting, but just wanted to reiterate I am also here for this.
Speaking of asshole behavior, I’d love to hear more about bragging. My kids’ school is predominately made up of kids from low-income families, and I want my kids to show empathy and restraint before they talk about stuff they have or experiences they get to do. At the same time, I don’t want them to internalize guilt about being in a family that has more resources than some of their classmates’ families.
Different types of therapies for kids (psychological as well as other services) and how to know which one is a fit or makes sense, what questions to ask before you start, etc. We did several months of play therapy that ended up being a complete failure. I had no idea what would be good for my kid (6 y/o) other than that I was pretty sure she wasn't going to directly talk to anyone. I had her on a bunch of wait lists (such is the time we live in) and jumped on the first opportunity that came up. We tried to stick it out, but it was clearly not doing anything and not worth the emotional/logistical/financial burden and quit eventually. I'd also like to know about parent coaches/therapists -- how do you know that one will be what you need? How do you know they will go beyond the advice in parenting books (that are marketed to all kids but are really only for neurotypical kids)? There are lots of online programs out there for parents to learn about dealing with kids' difficult behavior, and again, how do you know if one will be useful? Unstuck and on target was recommended to us by a number of people, and it is relatively inexpensive ($39 for the whole course/platform), so we figured it was worth a try. I have experience in special education and I still feel lost! Thanks for anything in this realm :)
I love the idea of a piece that describes the different kinds of therapy and in what situations / for what kids they could be useful - thank you for that! Great question as to how to tell if a particular training program or approach will be useful.... but probably quite hard to answer, as I'm sure it so much depends on the family and the child. But I will ponder.
Amazing, thank you!!! I used my access to my university library to track down some play therapy studies and the results seemed generally positive, but the experience we had didn't really match the methods that I read about. And there are so many online training/support programs now (and some are $$$). If you need some names, happy to share. Thank you again! I am an avid newsletter reader :)
Lisa D’Amour, a psychologist that works with teenagers, has recently done an episode of her podcast about this. She describes the different “types” of therapy, the more obvious correlations (e.g., if your kid has a phobia the recommended approach is CBT), and she also states that there are a lot of studies demonstrating that the most important factor for success appears to be the relationship between the patient and the therapist. So that may be where you want to focus on with your kid/yourself. It does take a bit of trial and error. The name of the podcast is “Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting.” Look for episode 111, which aired on March 21, 2023.
My kid tends to do silly things when we are in a hurry. How can I help my kid understand that there are times when comedy hour is ok and times to hurry it up a bit?
Yes, this is us too. My kid is not screaming “NO!” - he is hiding under a blanket and won’t put on his shoes because bunnies don’t wear shoes. This is not in the books.
I get that on his terms he has basically unlimited time. Is this a weird question, but how do we learn about time? I don’t mean just telling time, but how/ when it has actual meaning/ how folks differ (I know it’s different for adhd folks, etc)
I would love to hear about the conference you were at, who the audience was, and how writers like us can get our information out in the wider research and communications communities. This research to practice work we do does not get the attention it needs!!!
The main Kid Thing on my mind right now is SLEEP. My 3.5-year-old was such an amazing sleeper until just before she turned 3, but she wakes up at least once a night most nights (and for the past couple of weeks we've been on more of a newborn schedule — she's up 2 or 3 times a night), and we are exhausted. All of us! (She's been even more of a "threenager" than usual lately and I'm sure much of that is coming from her own sleep deprivation.) I feel like there's been a lot of writing on sleep training for babies, but are there evidence-backed ways to help older kids (preschoolers and beyond) — and, as a result, their parents and siblings — get better sleep?
I would love to read about friendships, specifically in middle school as kids start gaining independence and there is less interaction with the parents of their friends. Knowing how much of an influence friends have on our kids, but also not wanting to dictate their friendships, how do you navigate this in these middle/tween years?
I'd like to hear about sensory sensitivities. My LO is really sensitive to smells and it has made potty training so much harder, but she also hides her nose at the mall food court, won't even walk into some restaurants, etc. A lot of my internet research leads me to resources for kids with autism, but she doesn't seem autistic, though she is stubborn and a little spirited.
Thanks. Though now I have lots of feelings about whether this is a pathology or just a quirk, our need for labels, does she have some larger issues. Argh
Most parenting advice re: neurodivergence focuses on the kids - what about adapting to neurodivergence as the parent. My husband has ADHD and I know so many people who are coming to diagnoses as adults. Or are diagnosed after their kids are/ are realizing behaviors that signified being “bad” as a kid were actually signs of ADHD, ASD, sensory stuff, etc.
Can we have a flip on your recent getting girls interested in STEM? How can we get male-identified folks to value the arts, caretaking, teaching, traditionally “feminine” pursuits?
You may have already written about this, but a recent family event has me wondering about the influence of social media on young boys in particular and how to parent them to avoid them being sucked in to issues around toxic masculinity. A young family member of mine (a pre-teen) was just targeted for months of very inappropriate text messages from a boy in her class - she blocked him, told him to stop, her friends told him to stop, and yet he persisted. Her friends eventually told their teacher who informed my sister in law. One side of my question is definitely - as a parent of a child who has been targeted like this what does the evidence say the best thing to do is?
On the other side, as a parent of one-day-teenagers who will be exposed to many hateful and harmful ideas online - how do we help them avoid being sucked in? After meeting with the school and the classmate's family she said his parents were shocked and so upset. I'm the mother of two boys (pre-social media age) and we talk a lot about our bodies, consent, and respecting others. My husband and I also demonstrate these ideas in our own lives for our boys to witness. I don't always feel like that is going to be enough once they are old enough to be embarrassed by me trying to have very frank conversations with them.
Would be really keen to learn more about helping kids to lose (graciously) in games. I’ve got a 7yo who is generally pretty comfortable at losing, in games of UNO or Monopoly Jr., but I’ve noticed as he’s gotten older and the (perceived) stakes in games get higher, some of the emotions that arise from not winning can be challenging. How do you engage in the process with opportunities for them to grow and become more comfortable with losing?
I’d love anything about raising “bright” toddlers. My 2.5 year old is linguistically advanced. She was speaking in full 8-14 word sentences at 20 months and has advanced problem solving skills as well. But she is still emotionally at the level of a 2.5 year old. On top of that, she is strong-willed, spirited, high energy and can be stubborn. Anything about how to handle such challenges would be incredibly valuable.
I’d love to read about: ADHD medication for kids, ADHD in girls, and phobias kids have and ways to deal with them--my daughter (just turned 7) has a fear of movies that didn’t used to seem like a big deal but has become more intense and is now stopping her from doing things and going places where a movie might be on so we’re going to begin to address it (among other things) with a therapist. But I remember students I worked with when I was a teacher who also had specific fears (one of the school mascot and one of fire drills) and wonder if phobias have increased as anxiety has increased and what the research says about best ways to address them.
Oh! Also tonsil removal surgery in kids--how effective/necessary it is, whether it’s become more or less common over the years, etc
Excellent suggestion about phobias! My 11-year-old has phobia of fire drills, and so far talk therapy hasn’t helped a whole lot. But it has helped his generalized anxiety, which turns the temperature down on some of his worries that there could be a fire drill. In our state they require monthly fire drills so this is an ongoing concern.
Great ideas, thanks! I wrote about managing fear/phobias in kids a while back - here's a gift link: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/17/parenting/childhood-fears-anxiety.html?unlocked_article_code=KnaAVefJnWkOCcNsrpIwfDlJVNJiQfCpYuHsJ3AqloZYten5pgwrwGqATgH8FbbvREJUP0PSXFOtR_yIjR42FqKH-c9mcUHiWmu9UVtzN5ANZ2gLatVRKZ-mVaB8rPRg9Xr0lJSq9uTPkLMwZ_u6rKWFEh4wfTuo9yK28EEACrGzK-L7Mt4SZYRXBK5sa5_r7hK7y5gzNou6QMTP2tduamEgCTL7UdOBkLZ7JHkSP8sFLEF0GxdFV_aZ-xflqSVdqZdsp3tTer-8BVtdorXHsBIlmWDF2AaGbQxqzOnPF9sWNDN3EPYAWqhKASZEm9cKl-EqFgwRpIfY4mwU23AvNKsN0g&smid=url-share
Thank you!
what interventions are effective with ADHD, substance abuse prevention, uhhh.
I'm working on another post about substance abuse prevention, but for now you could read this one: https://melindawmoyer.substack.com/p/how-to-protect-kids-from-addiction. Will make a note to cover ADHD too!
I really liked that one and wanted more! :) ADHD and substance abuse and risk taking are of particular interest (I say as my 9-year-old is currently riding his bike around our neighborhood).
Given that we talk about kids potentially being assholes here, I’m wondering if there’s a way to tease apart generational differences in how we define what an “asshole” is. I.e., I think many Millennial parents place a high premium on self-care for parents, so we don’t act like assholes to our kids. At the same time, some of us place less emphasis on compliance for compliance’s sake in our kids, because we want them to understand or even co-create the boundaries we’re setting. This may make them seem like assholes to our own parents, who were taught parenting methods that were really grounded in behaviorist thinking and “training” your kid to be quiet and obedient, maybe at the expense of their later mental health and self regulation. How can we bridge this divide? Could there be something in writing that we can forward to them that helps make this clear, diplomatically?
Oh I would be so interested to read about this! Especially how we approach emotions then vs. now (shutting them down vs. validating/acknowledging).
This is a great topic. I have written about how the shift towards letting kids have more independence and more of a voice (even if that results in defiance) is a good thing, which you could potentially forward to skeptical parents: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/12/11/well/family/rude-child-development-behavior.html?unlocked_article_code=NhBqks1KZ87JvoO5nHAKTEfd4TDJ7i9KHzvlDC1zdFH13EdIlO5GojYcFdCYhGLT2XnbjrZXbQ1EsRSQ1cTH9By87POkBXj4jOKjJUdfobBtBh736KVrOMr_1w7sHIF_Cn1p-EHshLJicsEhN31I4cmi0EwUR-lYcVXCRSIikrG3pm11_S0cLQJO0rmJLZn9C90lZEPne91K8P28CG5CjZrLr5BI4A3t8L2y4pBSVuUcBdPXxPKxGV8XiHNy-Uv5xoeZPyWfuZ7vLaPo7eHHZvAmBDzLhe9JWI6a-qUNR5asjvD6Wm0-h_T3sUPc8EgL6zRRpA-7ymcxRqyES_Qv0qmUQhSaew5OT6nNMUo&smid=url-share
Sorry about that link - it's a gift link :)
And what a gift! This is such an excellent read. Thank you.
I am also interested in generational differences in parenting, but haven’t found much research on it. My partner and I are Millennials and have a very different parenting style than our Gen X siblings and Boomer parents. They are all horrified at our gentle parenting approach to discipline and anti-diet approach to mealtimes.
Yes, I have been thinking of this in light of my recent viewing of Shiny Happy People (can we talk about that???) and I’ve been thinking about how if obedience and compliance are the most valued, other important aspects fall by the wayside. I think we’ve talked about authoritarian vs. authoritative parenting, but just wanted to reiterate I am also here for this.
Speaking of asshole behavior, I’d love to hear more about bragging. My kids’ school is predominately made up of kids from low-income families, and I want my kids to show empathy and restraint before they talk about stuff they have or experiences they get to do. At the same time, I don’t want them to internalize guilt about being in a family that has more resources than some of their classmates’ families.
That's a great topic, thanks. Not exactly what you're looking for, but I wrote about why kids boast and brag a while back (and why it's natural and even adaptive): https://melindawmoyer.substack.com/p/why-kids-boast-and-brag
Different types of therapies for kids (psychological as well as other services) and how to know which one is a fit or makes sense, what questions to ask before you start, etc. We did several months of play therapy that ended up being a complete failure. I had no idea what would be good for my kid (6 y/o) other than that I was pretty sure she wasn't going to directly talk to anyone. I had her on a bunch of wait lists (such is the time we live in) and jumped on the first opportunity that came up. We tried to stick it out, but it was clearly not doing anything and not worth the emotional/logistical/financial burden and quit eventually. I'd also like to know about parent coaches/therapists -- how do you know that one will be what you need? How do you know they will go beyond the advice in parenting books (that are marketed to all kids but are really only for neurotypical kids)? There are lots of online programs out there for parents to learn about dealing with kids' difficult behavior, and again, how do you know if one will be useful? Unstuck and on target was recommended to us by a number of people, and it is relatively inexpensive ($39 for the whole course/platform), so we figured it was worth a try. I have experience in special education and I still feel lost! Thanks for anything in this realm :)
I love the idea of a piece that describes the different kinds of therapy and in what situations / for what kids they could be useful - thank you for that! Great question as to how to tell if a particular training program or approach will be useful.... but probably quite hard to answer, as I'm sure it so much depends on the family and the child. But I will ponder.
Amazing, thank you!!! I used my access to my university library to track down some play therapy studies and the results seemed generally positive, but the experience we had didn't really match the methods that I read about. And there are so many online training/support programs now (and some are $$$). If you need some names, happy to share. Thank you again! I am an avid newsletter reader :)
Lisa D’Amour, a psychologist that works with teenagers, has recently done an episode of her podcast about this. She describes the different “types” of therapy, the more obvious correlations (e.g., if your kid has a phobia the recommended approach is CBT), and she also states that there are a lot of studies demonstrating that the most important factor for success appears to be the relationship between the patient and the therapist. So that may be where you want to focus on with your kid/yourself. It does take a bit of trial and error. The name of the podcast is “Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting.” Look for episode 111, which aired on March 21, 2023.
My kid tends to do all of the talking when interacting with friends, how can I help the kid give peers a chance to talk or lead the play?
My kid tends to do silly things when we are in a hurry. How can I help my kid understand that there are times when comedy hour is ok and times to hurry it up a bit?
Yes, this is us too. My kid is not screaming “NO!” - he is hiding under a blanket and won’t put on his shoes because bunnies don’t wear shoes. This is not in the books.
I get that on his terms he has basically unlimited time. Is this a weird question, but how do we learn about time? I don’t mean just telling time, but how/ when it has actual meaning/ how folks differ (I know it’s different for adhd folks, etc)
I would love to hear about the conference you were at, who the audience was, and how writers like us can get our information out in the wider research and communications communities. This research to practice work we do does not get the attention it needs!!!
The main Kid Thing on my mind right now is SLEEP. My 3.5-year-old was such an amazing sleeper until just before she turned 3, but she wakes up at least once a night most nights (and for the past couple of weeks we've been on more of a newborn schedule — she's up 2 or 3 times a night), and we are exhausted. All of us! (She's been even more of a "threenager" than usual lately and I'm sure much of that is coming from her own sleep deprivation.) I feel like there's been a lot of writing on sleep training for babies, but are there evidence-backed ways to help older kids (preschoolers and beyond) — and, as a result, their parents and siblings — get better sleep?
I would love to read about friendships, specifically in middle school as kids start gaining independence and there is less interaction with the parents of their friends. Knowing how much of an influence friends have on our kids, but also not wanting to dictate their friendships, how do you navigate this in these middle/tween years?
Love this idea! Second this as something I would love to read about.
I'd like to hear about sensory sensitivities. My LO is really sensitive to smells and it has made potty training so much harder, but she also hides her nose at the mall food court, won't even walk into some restaurants, etc. A lot of my internet research leads me to resources for kids with autism, but she doesn't seem autistic, though she is stubborn and a little spirited.
I guess information on spirited but not tantrumy kids too. I tried to read Raising your spirited child and it stressed me out.
Oh! I wrote a feature about this years ago -- it's more of an exploration of the science than a sharing of resources, but the science is fascinating. Here's a link, but let me know if you hit a paywall and I could email you a PDF. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-sensory-processing-disorder-for-real/
Thanks. Though now I have lots of feelings about whether this is a pathology or just a quirk, our need for labels, does she have some larger issues. Argh
Most parenting advice re: neurodivergence focuses on the kids - what about adapting to neurodivergence as the parent. My husband has ADHD and I know so many people who are coming to diagnoses as adults. Or are diagnosed after their kids are/ are realizing behaviors that signified being “bad” as a kid were actually signs of ADHD, ASD, sensory stuff, etc.
Can we have a flip on your recent getting girls interested in STEM? How can we get male-identified folks to value the arts, caretaking, teaching, traditionally “feminine” pursuits?
YESSSS good idea!
You may have already written about this, but a recent family event has me wondering about the influence of social media on young boys in particular and how to parent them to avoid them being sucked in to issues around toxic masculinity. A young family member of mine (a pre-teen) was just targeted for months of very inappropriate text messages from a boy in her class - she blocked him, told him to stop, her friends told him to stop, and yet he persisted. Her friends eventually told their teacher who informed my sister in law. One side of my question is definitely - as a parent of a child who has been targeted like this what does the evidence say the best thing to do is?
On the other side, as a parent of one-day-teenagers who will be exposed to many hateful and harmful ideas online - how do we help them avoid being sucked in? After meeting with the school and the classmate's family she said his parents were shocked and so upset. I'm the mother of two boys (pre-social media age) and we talk a lot about our bodies, consent, and respecting others. My husband and I also demonstrate these ideas in our own lives for our boys to witness. I don't always feel like that is going to be enough once they are old enough to be embarrassed by me trying to have very frank conversations with them.
Would be really keen to learn more about helping kids to lose (graciously) in games. I’ve got a 7yo who is generally pretty comfortable at losing, in games of UNO or Monopoly Jr., but I’ve noticed as he’s gotten older and the (perceived) stakes in games get higher, some of the emotions that arise from not winning can be challenging. How do you engage in the process with opportunities for them to grow and become more comfortable with losing?
Hi Melinda,
I’d love anything about raising “bright” toddlers. My 2.5 year old is linguistically advanced. She was speaking in full 8-14 word sentences at 20 months and has advanced problem solving skills as well. But she is still emotionally at the level of a 2.5 year old. On top of that, she is strong-willed, spirited, high energy and can be stubborn. Anything about how to handle such challenges would be incredibly valuable.
Thanks!!