Parenting, as we all know, is relentless. Our to-do lists never end and the mental labor is exhausting. So my question for this week’s thread is this: What do you do to maintain your friendships? How do you stay in touch with your friends, and how do you make the time to see them?
Jul 13, 2023·edited Jul 13, 2023Liked by Melinda Wenner Moyer
I’m old-fashioned, but email. My best friend and I exchange long, long emails that cover everything. As in, when I had an issue where I was being pursued by debt collectors for allegedly having profited from a Ponzi scheme years ago, I was able to read my old emails with her and find a mention of my credit card having been compromised and having to get it canceled and replaced, and use that to track down proof that the card had been used by someone else even though by that time Amex had purged its fraud records.
We hardly ever get to see each other — she has kids and a husband who is traveling for work three weeks out of four, so either she can’t leave her kids or she would like the rare chance to spend time with her husband — but the emails mean that when we do, we are completely caught up and can just go forward rather than spending all our time backtracking.
As a local friend who loves to get lunch with you, just here to say A. available and B. not at all offended we don't do it more often because life! (But I do feel very in touch with you, even if it's the more casual touchpoints of kid/dog/work stuff.) I also swear by the group texts and having some regular reasons to get together with local friends -- maybe we need a standing monthly or bimonthly dinner date??
I now swear by the standing [x]. For my out of town friends, we have a standing call on the calendar (1x every three weeks seems to be the right cadence for us). For my in-town friends, we have standing plans (a walk every other week, drinks or dinner once a month, etc.) but always on the same day/date/time so that we can plan ahead.
Sometimes the day comes around and I've double booked myself or we're just not feeling it, but more often than not, we go, we call, we connect.
A lot of my friends were skeptical about this approach but we're busy people with busy lives and kids and parents and graduate school and all sorts of other commitments and this seems to be the best way to actually see each other.
Note that I also do this with my husband (we try to go out once a month on our wedding date - the 21st). This works really well because it falls on a different day each month, usually, so it gives us a variety of options for things to do and it also makes it easier on the babysitter because we're not asking for a Friday night every month (these teenagers with their social lives!) and probably 10 out of 12 months we actually get it done. And on those other 2 months, sometimes we just order takeout after the kid is in bed and have a little in-house date night, which totally works too.
I feel very lucky that I have local friends who are very interested and persistent about hanging out. We all go through different phases of being busy and stressed but someone always throws out a text insisting we get a dinner or drinks or a walk on the calendar, even if it's weeks out. I also have a group of college friends who have been hanging together for the almost 20 years since we've graduated. We started early, visiting each other in our post-grad towns and there's no shame if you miss a gathering, because we always know there will be more. We use Marco Polo in between to catch up on anything from the inane to the really tough topics (infertility, sick parents etc). We are about to embark on a big family road trip to see the one friend of the group who lives in Colorado and we're all bringing our partners and kids. It's going to be wild and wacky and I can't wait. Every time we're together, it motivates us to plan the next outing. All this to say - if you feel stuck, just send the email or the text or the Polo. I'm always so happy to be asked and just need that push to get something on the calendar.
The only reason I see my dentist regularly is because my dentist won’t let me leave without scheduling another appointment (stay with me here). I had success getting another date on the calendar before ending a friend hang. Even if that doesn’t turn out to be THE date, it functions as a nudge to find another time to get together
I like standing open events like I always (try!) to be at this exercise class, the pool with the kids at this time during the summer, or a reoccurring coffee with a friend. I let people know and then we have it on calendars and do our best to make it!
Getting it on the calendar is the absolute key for me — even if we end up needing to change the plans later. (I love calling this the “dentist method”!)
I love baking bread, and these days I can usually figure out how to fit it in around work + my 13 month old, so most weeks I bake two loaves and text someone "Would you like a loaf of bread?" It's a great excuse to stop by and have a short chat. I've been able to strengthen some more casual neighbor connections, too. Sometimes I need another perspective in my day and running into a neighbor is just the right amount of social connection to keep me going.
For local friends, we schedule early morning walks or runs — ideally a standing date but if that falls apart one of us will text to set up a walk on the weekend. I have some dear friends that I would hardly ever see if it wasn’t for those walks!
Great thread idea and so many good ideas. How do you all get over the mental hurdles of coordinating it all? Even with a helpful and not-too-travelly partner, it feels like a lot of work to get everything in order for me to be gone for an evening.
What if you don’t make plans in the evening? I love doing errands with a friend who, like me, just cares about spending time together - doesn’t matter what you’re doing. I have standing phone lunch dates with a couple of far away friends. Which of the regular things in your calendar would be more fun to do with a friend? Phone date while grocery shopping? Get a little weird :)
Man this thread is giving me life but also I think maybe I just need some new friends? We live in a pretty transient college town and a lot of my friends have moved away and it’s easy to stay connected with them but my in town friends are much harder. My kids are small (3 and under) but a lot of my friends have school aged kids so their schedules and things are just different and they’re resistant to missing any kid activity for a friend hang. Between that and a job/schedule change I just don’t see a lot of my friends when I would have seen them but they still see each other. It’s been a really tough transition for me in the last year. I’m going to try some of these ideas!
This sounds really hard! Given that a lot of your friends have moved way, I hope you can make new ones -- are there any local clubs or groups you could join to meet new people?
Im curious how you all maintain friendships with your friends that don’t have kids? My best friend and I have really drifted away since I had kids. Part of it is a small time zone difference, but I think most of it was the pandemic. She is single, works from home and got the vaccine early due to her occupation, while I was pregnant and had a small child. Our pandemic experiences were radically different as a result. It got awkward, and there was just bad feelings. We recently saw each other and talked through things and expressed hope for a better relationship but I feel like we have so little in common these days...
I set a reminder on my phone to check-in with certain friends that pops up every 2-3 weeks (depending on what's going on for myself or for them). Then we text or schedule a phone date or meal together :) Recently got into Marco Polo and that's been very helpful for friends that I have in different time zones
I’m old-fashioned, but email. My best friend and I exchange long, long emails that cover everything. As in, when I had an issue where I was being pursued by debt collectors for allegedly having profited from a Ponzi scheme years ago, I was able to read my old emails with her and find a mention of my credit card having been compromised and having to get it canceled and replaced, and use that to track down proof that the card had been used by someone else even though by that time Amex had purged its fraud records.
We hardly ever get to see each other — she has kids and a husband who is traveling for work three weeks out of four, so either she can’t leave her kids or she would like the rare chance to spend time with her husband — but the emails mean that when we do, we are completely caught up and can just go forward rather than spending all our time backtracking.
I love this!
As a local friend who loves to get lunch with you, just here to say A. available and B. not at all offended we don't do it more often because life! (But I do feel very in touch with you, even if it's the more casual touchpoints of kid/dog/work stuff.) I also swear by the group texts and having some regular reasons to get together with local friends -- maybe we need a standing monthly or bimonthly dinner date??
Yay, thank you. And a standing dinner date would be amazing!!! Let's do it!
I now swear by the standing [x]. For my out of town friends, we have a standing call on the calendar (1x every three weeks seems to be the right cadence for us). For my in-town friends, we have standing plans (a walk every other week, drinks or dinner once a month, etc.) but always on the same day/date/time so that we can plan ahead.
Sometimes the day comes around and I've double booked myself or we're just not feeling it, but more often than not, we go, we call, we connect.
A lot of my friends were skeptical about this approach but we're busy people with busy lives and kids and parents and graduate school and all sorts of other commitments and this seems to be the best way to actually see each other.
Note that I also do this with my husband (we try to go out once a month on our wedding date - the 21st). This works really well because it falls on a different day each month, usually, so it gives us a variety of options for things to do and it also makes it easier on the babysitter because we're not asking for a Friday night every month (these teenagers with their social lives!) and probably 10 out of 12 months we actually get it done. And on those other 2 months, sometimes we just order takeout after the kid is in bed and have a little in-house date night, which totally works too.
This is amazing - thank you for sharing. I love the idea of a standing monthly date on your anniversary day!
I feel very lucky that I have local friends who are very interested and persistent about hanging out. We all go through different phases of being busy and stressed but someone always throws out a text insisting we get a dinner or drinks or a walk on the calendar, even if it's weeks out. I also have a group of college friends who have been hanging together for the almost 20 years since we've graduated. We started early, visiting each other in our post-grad towns and there's no shame if you miss a gathering, because we always know there will be more. We use Marco Polo in between to catch up on anything from the inane to the really tough topics (infertility, sick parents etc). We are about to embark on a big family road trip to see the one friend of the group who lives in Colorado and we're all bringing our partners and kids. It's going to be wild and wacky and I can't wait. Every time we're together, it motivates us to plan the next outing. All this to say - if you feel stuck, just send the email or the text or the Polo. I'm always so happy to be asked and just need that push to get something on the calendar.
The only reason I see my dentist regularly is because my dentist won’t let me leave without scheduling another appointment (stay with me here). I had success getting another date on the calendar before ending a friend hang. Even if that doesn’t turn out to be THE date, it functions as a nudge to find another time to get together
yessss so smart!
I like standing open events like I always (try!) to be at this exercise class, the pool with the kids at this time during the summer, or a reoccurring coffee with a friend. I let people know and then we have it on calendars and do our best to make it!
Getting it on the calendar is the absolute key for me — even if we end up needing to change the plans later. (I love calling this the “dentist method”!)
I love baking bread, and these days I can usually figure out how to fit it in around work + my 13 month old, so most weeks I bake two loaves and text someone "Would you like a loaf of bread?" It's a great excuse to stop by and have a short chat. I've been able to strengthen some more casual neighbor connections, too. Sometimes I need another perspective in my day and running into a neighbor is just the right amount of social connection to keep me going.
ohhh love this!
For local friends, we schedule early morning walks or runs — ideally a standing date but if that falls apart one of us will text to set up a walk on the weekend. I have some dear friends that I would hardly ever see if it wasn’t for those walks!
Great thread idea and so many good ideas. How do you all get over the mental hurdles of coordinating it all? Even with a helpful and not-too-travelly partner, it feels like a lot of work to get everything in order for me to be gone for an evening.
What if you don’t make plans in the evening? I love doing errands with a friend who, like me, just cares about spending time together - doesn’t matter what you’re doing. I have standing phone lunch dates with a couple of far away friends. Which of the regular things in your calendar would be more fun to do with a friend? Phone date while grocery shopping? Get a little weird :)
I would love an errand friend! I’ve tried to come up with a plan to make one happen, but I haven’t yet. I will keep working on it. Good ideas.
Man this thread is giving me life but also I think maybe I just need some new friends? We live in a pretty transient college town and a lot of my friends have moved away and it’s easy to stay connected with them but my in town friends are much harder. My kids are small (3 and under) but a lot of my friends have school aged kids so their schedules and things are just different and they’re resistant to missing any kid activity for a friend hang. Between that and a job/schedule change I just don’t see a lot of my friends when I would have seen them but they still see each other. It’s been a really tough transition for me in the last year. I’m going to try some of these ideas!
This sounds really hard! Given that a lot of your friends have moved way, I hope you can make new ones -- are there any local clubs or groups you could join to meet new people?
Im curious how you all maintain friendships with your friends that don’t have kids? My best friend and I have really drifted away since I had kids. Part of it is a small time zone difference, but I think most of it was the pandemic. She is single, works from home and got the vaccine early due to her occupation, while I was pregnant and had a small child. Our pandemic experiences were radically different as a result. It got awkward, and there was just bad feelings. We recently saw each other and talked through things and expressed hope for a better relationship but I feel like we have so little in common these days...
I set a reminder on my phone to check-in with certain friends that pops up every 2-3 weeks (depending on what's going on for myself or for them). Then we text or schedule a phone date or meal together :) Recently got into Marco Polo and that's been very helpful for friends that I have in different time zones