On my mind. We decided to switch preschools this week. It was a hard decision, but felt like my kiddo’s class was expecting too much (he’s 2, but in a class with 3-5 year olds!) and giving “guidance” in ways that made us feel uncomfortable. It’s crazy how much work it takes to engage with resources -- an OT to see if intervention is necessary, researching new schools, touring, teacher conversations.
I’m exhausted but thankful he’s in a spot that seems to be like it will be a good fit. Sending peace to all the parents who have navigated something similar.
We totally had to do this with our son four years ago. So stressful and frustrating -- I can still feel it emotionally. Best move we could have made though. You did the right thing. Our son was getting put in the time out chair a lot because he didn't adhere to what the teacher thought should be what they wanted the rest of the class to be doing. He was maybe 3, very physical in a great way, but was being asked to sit still and work on "bee hats" for an hour alongside classmates 1, 2, 3 years older and very different in terms of temperament too. The new school had the Estrada quote on the wall: "If a child can't learn the way we teach, maybe we should teach the way they learn." My daughter, who's now 4, would have been fine making the bee hats.
I am in such a bad place with resources, I almost don't want to comment because I am afraid I will bring other people down, but also think other parents need to be aware of what can go wrong! My son is 2nd grade and has multiple services outlined in his IEP, but we found out in January that he hadn't been getting the ABA services--he missed 15 weeks worth since the beginning of the school year! And no one told us, we figured it out ourselves. I am feeling so betrayed by all the adults in his school who should have known and should have said something. But of course everyone says it's not their job. I've got a plan of action for our family, for other families at the school who were affected, and for advocating at the district level, but I am still processing the emotions around the people I entrust my 8 yo autistic/ADHD son to every school day. Anyway, good on you for advocating for your son. Sometimes it's hard to push back against professionals, but it seems like you have already internalized that at the end of the day, it's really only the parents who are uniquely in your child's corner.
I’m so sorry about this. My daughter is a behavior specialist and I’m always surprised when she tells me about teachers, principals and school districts that don’t want to honor IEPs.
I am going through the IEP process with my kindergartener and it is a lot. Reading the evaluation from the psychologist that outlines all of kid's issues - I totally agree with all the findings but its hard to see them written out in black and white. It makes overcoming them seem so daunting when in real life, I see signs of progress each day.
Kid is in a language immersion program and I tentatively plan to move them to an English-only school for 1st grade to remove an additional barrier for them. But they have a sibling also in kindergarten! So now we have to decide if we move both for logistical reasons - kid 2 will be fine either way but I'm kicking myself for not picking the "right" school for both of them in kindergarten (even though I went for our local, in bound school!)
Oh gosh that sounds so hard! I'm so sorry! We went through the IEP process with my son when he was younger... it's so hard, and I feel like there's so little information for parents on how to navigate it. Please don't kick yourself for not choosing the "right" school — we can never really know these things in advance, and what matters is that you're being so thoughtful in supporting them now.
So sorry you are sick! We're isolating this week as my mom visited over the weekend and tested positive as soon as she got home Sunday night. My dad tested positive three days later.
We are also switching childcare situations (delayed due to the isolation).
Had the dreadful experience earlier this week of being notified my Kindergartner was sent to the Principal's office because he was one of 3 kids who bullied a classmate at recess. My son says he tried to stop his friends because he knew "this is bullying" but then went along with it. (Of course, the others might say the same to their parents.) On other occasions, my son has told me these 2 friends "bully" him (his word choice). From what I gather, he simply means they pressure him to always play with them instead of playing with other kids, or on his own, as he sometimes wants to do. How can I help empower him to be more independent when a longtime friend always wants to play together?
Ah, this is so hard! I might try to start a conversation at a neutral time, asking him what he thinks he could say to those friends when they pressure him to play -- and scaffold a bit to help him come up with some kind but firm statements. You could even write them down together, then do some role play with him (with you pretending to be the other kids) so he could try them out.
It is so hard to help kids navigate these interpersonal dynamics when we are not even sure what's happening! Kids are such terrible reporters, and there usually isn't an adult nearby during lunch and recess who can say for sure what is happening (which is why these things usually happen then...) I try not to use the word "bullying" with my kids because it's rarely so black and white. Usually it's kids who are having trouble communicating and listening to each other, and they need support. Better to talk about the behaviors and their impact. Also, I have found role playing to be super helpful--help your son find some kinds words to tell his friend he wants to play alone, or wants to include other children, then act out how that might go. You can think of responses that the friend might make so your son is prepared! And find out what adults are available nearby to help him.
This week is a struggle. My soon to be three year old twins keep trying to have parties in their cribs at nap time and bedtime and I can’t seem to motivate them to calm down or be quiet. And the almost one year old is now walking and going through some separation anxiety and bed time. I’m trying to give myself grace for parenting in this new season but it is tough.
In good, light news! One of my favorite books right now comes out as a mini-series tomorrow and I AM STOKED. If you haven't read "Daisy Jones & The Six" and you like quick, fun, historical fiction, check it out. :)
In terms of wins/discoveries, I had lost the wherewithal to get through a book. Recently I ran into Gilbert Cruz at the NYT, a friend/former colleague, who also has taken over the Book Review at The Times. Gilbert suggested and gave me permission to "just listen" to books. I gave it a shot, and voila, two weeks in I'm 2.5 books down -- listening mostly in the car, while exercising, etc. I don't know what I retained, but I know it's something and it's felt great to be taking in the written word again when I can. Podcasts had gotten a bit blah/too much/formulaic and it's just nice to pick up good books and hit play.
I'm on my first solo trip away from my kids (age 1 and 3) since they were born and am at complete loss as to what I should do with my time... I'm visiting a dear friend in LA and have an open, free day ahead of me, and am drawing a blank on how to fill my time. It's such a strange sensation, but I'm hoping it will also be a good opportunity to reacquaint myself with who I am outside of parenthood.
Love and hugs to all the parents struggling with schools, IEPs, and more (and COVID!). 💚
I'm having a similar feeling in Covid isolation actually - it's SO WEIRD to have zero kid responsibilities. It's actually kind of nice. If only I didn't feel like crap! Anyway, I hope that you enjoy your time away -- and remember it's fine to do nothing but relax if that's what you want !
I, too, have been through the wringer lately with preschool drama!
The Montessori school we'd been sending our 3.75-year-old to instituted a "no tolerance" policy for profanity, meaning that any kid who so much as uttered the word "damn" was sent home for the day. Our son quickly learned that he has an easy ticket home to hang out with mommy (I work from home, so taking the rest of the day off to watch him generally fell to me).
We toured a few alternatives and sent him to a new daycare that seemed great: the same chain his older brother had attended, plus they offered an employer discount for my job. On his third day there I got a call at 10AM saying I needed to come pick him up for the day...wait...forever? Yes, they kicked him out. The reason? He was able to leave the classroom and exit the front door without the teacher noticing, causing the school to have to file a report with the state of Texas, and they "can't have that kind of liability." The more I think about it the angrier I get, especially because they are trying to keep a large portion of the tuition I'd already paid them even though he only attended for 2 full days.
He started a new school officially this week and seems so be doing SO much better--he's napping again and comes home extremely energized and chipper--but I can't shake the anxiety that I'm going to get THAT call again. It's been a rough few weeks and I really hope things stabilize soon!
Absolutely! We're looking into possibilities for taking more action against this school because this was just the most ridiculous reaction from them. An apology and measures to prevent escape in the future would have been a better route!
Oh my goodness, these schools! I'm so sorry. That no profanity rule is ridiculous — what a way to induce unnecessary shame in kids. And awful to blame your child for leaving the classroom when it's obviously a failure of the school to have procedures in place to prevent that. I'm so sorry you're going through all this. But so glad that you've found a school that seems to be a good fit! Fingers crossed!
I’m sorry about your COVID. I had it about a year ago and it was decidedly not fun. I’m glad you’re feeling better.
I’ve been sad lately. Just general sadness, nothing specific. I was doing an online yoga class the other day, and the instructor was using affirmations.
“The Universe has my back”
“Health is mine”
“I am creative and prosperous”
I kept thinking, but what if not? I don’t think just saying something makes it true. I don’t think my SIL who is going through breast cancer treatment can say “health is mine” and be fully recovered.
I don’t think single moms with multiple jobs can claim creativity and prosperity just because they want it.
There are millions of people who I’m sure don’t feel like the Universe cares anything about them.
Thank you for sharing this. I am really feeling this messy soup of sadness, doom and gloom thoughts, fatigue, and stuckness. It feels muddy and mucky inside of me today and we are in mud season here in the Northeast, yet there is more to it. I started crying earlier after realizing no one had asked me how I was doing in days…so I looked in the mirror and asked myself and my response was “I am sad and don’t feel well today.” Trying to sit with all of it. Sending hugs back to all of you.
So sorry to hear you have COVID! I caught a terrible cold from my kids this week and I'm starting to feel like it is never-ending! Hope Spring brings some relief!
Just this morning, I listened to your interview with the "How to Talk" duo! Then, Melinda, I watched your Happy Mom Summit talk. What a day to chat with you both on this thread. I've read the "How to Talk" books, but I find refreshers like the interview are key to maintaining. And thank you, Melinda, for tuning me in to the Happy Mom Summit. I've watched the ones I found most relevant to my kids and me (so as not to overwhelm myself!). I expected to feel lousy from learning all the ways I'm getting it wrong, but instead I've realized I'm getting most of it "right". Many of the speakers mention instances of their own less-than-stellar parenting moments. To hear that even Joann Faber and Julie King have had rough morning that resulted in barking orders at their kids makes me realize that I'm not alone or defective.
Uuugh. Drink all the fluids and get lots and lots and lots of rest. (We were lucky and just had mild cases, but had to isolate at home with the toddler until we both tested negative, which took 12 days for me!)
Speaking of the toddler, he just turned two and we have hit toddlerhood hard. It is soooooo much.
Thanks! I follow her on Instagram and we also follow/got the course from Big Little Feelings. I'm sure a lot of stuff has big overlap, but we've found the course helpful, esp since it's bite-size videos that are a little easier when you're sleep-deprived (she says with a toddler who woke up crying several times last night and woke up crying at 5 this morning, sob).
I’m so sorry you have Covid! I am feeling like this season of my life and also literal season is difficult. My 5yo son has had some medical problems (totally routine thank goodness) the past 4/5 weeks and I’m totally drained. My husband has been traveling for work. My daughter (7yo) is jealous that I’ve had to focus extra time on my son. I just never knew how much parenting could wear you down!!
Hope you recover soon!! Ugh.
On my mind. We decided to switch preschools this week. It was a hard decision, but felt like my kiddo’s class was expecting too much (he’s 2, but in a class with 3-5 year olds!) and giving “guidance” in ways that made us feel uncomfortable. It’s crazy how much work it takes to engage with resources -- an OT to see if intervention is necessary, researching new schools, touring, teacher conversations.
I’m exhausted but thankful he’s in a spot that seems to be like it will be a good fit. Sending peace to all the parents who have navigated something similar.
We totally had to do this with our son four years ago. So stressful and frustrating -- I can still feel it emotionally. Best move we could have made though. You did the right thing. Our son was getting put in the time out chair a lot because he didn't adhere to what the teacher thought should be what they wanted the rest of the class to be doing. He was maybe 3, very physical in a great way, but was being asked to sit still and work on "bee hats" for an hour alongside classmates 1, 2, 3 years older and very different in terms of temperament too. The new school had the Estrada quote on the wall: "If a child can't learn the way we teach, maybe we should teach the way they learn." My daughter, who's now 4, would have been fine making the bee hats.
I'm sorry you're having to switch schools and navigate all that - that's a lot. But it sounds like you're doing the right thing.
I am in such a bad place with resources, I almost don't want to comment because I am afraid I will bring other people down, but also think other parents need to be aware of what can go wrong! My son is 2nd grade and has multiple services outlined in his IEP, but we found out in January that he hadn't been getting the ABA services--he missed 15 weeks worth since the beginning of the school year! And no one told us, we figured it out ourselves. I am feeling so betrayed by all the adults in his school who should have known and should have said something. But of course everyone says it's not their job. I've got a plan of action for our family, for other families at the school who were affected, and for advocating at the district level, but I am still processing the emotions around the people I entrust my 8 yo autistic/ADHD son to every school day. Anyway, good on you for advocating for your son. Sometimes it's hard to push back against professionals, but it seems like you have already internalized that at the end of the day, it's really only the parents who are uniquely in your child's corner.
I’m so sorry about this. My daughter is a behavior specialist and I’m always surprised when she tells me about teachers, principals and school districts that don’t want to honor IEPs.
Thank you. I really can't wrap my head around it!
I am going through the IEP process with my kindergartener and it is a lot. Reading the evaluation from the psychologist that outlines all of kid's issues - I totally agree with all the findings but its hard to see them written out in black and white. It makes overcoming them seem so daunting when in real life, I see signs of progress each day.
Kid is in a language immersion program and I tentatively plan to move them to an English-only school for 1st grade to remove an additional barrier for them. But they have a sibling also in kindergarten! So now we have to decide if we move both for logistical reasons - kid 2 will be fine either way but I'm kicking myself for not picking the "right" school for both of them in kindergarten (even though I went for our local, in bound school!)
Oh gosh that sounds so hard! I'm so sorry! We went through the IEP process with my son when he was younger... it's so hard, and I feel like there's so little information for parents on how to navigate it. Please don't kick yourself for not choosing the "right" school — we can never really know these things in advance, and what matters is that you're being so thoughtful in supporting them now.
So sorry you are sick! We're isolating this week as my mom visited over the weekend and tested positive as soon as she got home Sunday night. My dad tested positive three days later.
We are also switching childcare situations (delayed due to the isolation).
Oh no!! I hope you don't get it!!!
Fingers crossed! Negative tests so far. But my daughter has a cough 😬🤞🏻🤞🏻
Had the dreadful experience earlier this week of being notified my Kindergartner was sent to the Principal's office because he was one of 3 kids who bullied a classmate at recess. My son says he tried to stop his friends because he knew "this is bullying" but then went along with it. (Of course, the others might say the same to their parents.) On other occasions, my son has told me these 2 friends "bully" him (his word choice). From what I gather, he simply means they pressure him to always play with them instead of playing with other kids, or on his own, as he sometimes wants to do. How can I help empower him to be more independent when a longtime friend always wants to play together?
Ah, this is so hard! I might try to start a conversation at a neutral time, asking him what he thinks he could say to those friends when they pressure him to play -- and scaffold a bit to help him come up with some kind but firm statements. You could even write them down together, then do some role play with him (with you pretending to be the other kids) so he could try them out.
It is so hard to help kids navigate these interpersonal dynamics when we are not even sure what's happening! Kids are such terrible reporters, and there usually isn't an adult nearby during lunch and recess who can say for sure what is happening (which is why these things usually happen then...) I try not to use the word "bullying" with my kids because it's rarely so black and white. Usually it's kids who are having trouble communicating and listening to each other, and they need support. Better to talk about the behaviors and their impact. Also, I have found role playing to be super helpful--help your son find some kinds words to tell his friend he wants to play alone, or wants to include other children, then act out how that might go. You can think of responses that the friend might make so your son is prepared! And find out what adults are available nearby to help him.
This week is a struggle. My soon to be three year old twins keep trying to have parties in their cribs at nap time and bedtime and I can’t seem to motivate them to calm down or be quiet. And the almost one year old is now walking and going through some separation anxiety and bed time. I’m trying to give myself grace for parenting in this new season but it is tough.
Oh goodness this sounds like a lot to be dealing with at the same time! I'm sorry! I hope things improve soon.
Ugh. Sleep issues are the worst. You are doing a great job, however you choose to handle it.
In good, light news! One of my favorite books right now comes out as a mini-series tomorrow and I AM STOKED. If you haven't read "Daisy Jones & The Six" and you like quick, fun, historical fiction, check it out. :)
In terms of wins/discoveries, I had lost the wherewithal to get through a book. Recently I ran into Gilbert Cruz at the NYT, a friend/former colleague, who also has taken over the Book Review at The Times. Gilbert suggested and gave me permission to "just listen" to books. I gave it a shot, and voila, two weeks in I'm 2.5 books down -- listening mostly in the car, while exercising, etc. I don't know what I retained, but I know it's something and it's felt great to be taking in the written word again when I can. Podcasts had gotten a bit blah/too much/formulaic and it's just nice to pick up good books and hit play.
yay, that's so great!!!!
I LOVE AUDIO BOOKS!!! Feels like the best adulting hack.
I'm on my first solo trip away from my kids (age 1 and 3) since they were born and am at complete loss as to what I should do with my time... I'm visiting a dear friend in LA and have an open, free day ahead of me, and am drawing a blank on how to fill my time. It's such a strange sensation, but I'm hoping it will also be a good opportunity to reacquaint myself with who I am outside of parenthood.
Love and hugs to all the parents struggling with schools, IEPs, and more (and COVID!). 💚
I'm having a similar feeling in Covid isolation actually - it's SO WEIRD to have zero kid responsibilities. It's actually kind of nice. If only I didn't feel like crap! Anyway, I hope that you enjoy your time away -- and remember it's fine to do nothing but relax if that's what you want !
I, too, have been through the wringer lately with preschool drama!
The Montessori school we'd been sending our 3.75-year-old to instituted a "no tolerance" policy for profanity, meaning that any kid who so much as uttered the word "damn" was sent home for the day. Our son quickly learned that he has an easy ticket home to hang out with mommy (I work from home, so taking the rest of the day off to watch him generally fell to me).
We toured a few alternatives and sent him to a new daycare that seemed great: the same chain his older brother had attended, plus they offered an employer discount for my job. On his third day there I got a call at 10AM saying I needed to come pick him up for the day...wait...forever? Yes, they kicked him out. The reason? He was able to leave the classroom and exit the front door without the teacher noticing, causing the school to have to file a report with the state of Texas, and they "can't have that kind of liability." The more I think about it the angrier I get, especially because they are trying to keep a large portion of the tuition I'd already paid them even though he only attended for 2 full days.
He started a new school officially this week and seems so be doing SO much better--he's napping again and comes home extremely energized and chipper--but I can't shake the anxiety that I'm going to get THAT call again. It's been a rough few weeks and I really hope things stabilize soon!
OH MY GOSH. The ability for him to escape sounds like a school problem and not a him problem. So sorry you had to deal with that.
Absolutely! We're looking into possibilities for taking more action against this school because this was just the most ridiculous reaction from them. An apology and measures to prevent escape in the future would have been a better route!
that is BULL. If the teacher isn't able to notice that a kid has left the BUILDING, that's not your fault.
Oh my goodness, these schools! I'm so sorry. That no profanity rule is ridiculous — what a way to induce unnecessary shame in kids. And awful to blame your child for leaving the classroom when it's obviously a failure of the school to have procedures in place to prevent that. I'm so sorry you're going through all this. But so glad that you've found a school that seems to be a good fit! Fingers crossed!
I’m sorry about your COVID. I had it about a year ago and it was decidedly not fun. I’m glad you’re feeling better.
I’ve been sad lately. Just general sadness, nothing specific. I was doing an online yoga class the other day, and the instructor was using affirmations.
“The Universe has my back”
“Health is mine”
“I am creative and prosperous”
I kept thinking, but what if not? I don’t think just saying something makes it true. I don’t think my SIL who is going through breast cancer treatment can say “health is mine” and be fully recovered.
I don’t think single moms with multiple jobs can claim creativity and prosperity just because they want it.
There are millions of people who I’m sure don’t feel like the Universe cares anything about them.
Annnyyywwwaaayyy, that’s me today.
Sending hugs, Annette. We have every reason to feel sad about the state of the world. I totally agree.
ughhhhh this is exactly how I've been feeling as well. Sad, stuck, frustrated, overwhelmed.
Solidarity and hugs.
I and many friends have been feeling this way recently, too. I wonder if something is up or this is the last-dregs-of-winter blues?
I wish I knew.
Thank you for sharing this. I am really feeling this messy soup of sadness, doom and gloom thoughts, fatigue, and stuckness. It feels muddy and mucky inside of me today and we are in mud season here in the Northeast, yet there is more to it. I started crying earlier after realizing no one had asked me how I was doing in days…so I looked in the mirror and asked myself and my response was “I am sad and don’t feel well today.” Trying to sit with all of it. Sending hugs back to all of you.
I hope you feel better soon. Sending good thoughts and vibes. <3 <3 <3 <3
So sorry to hear you have COVID! I caught a terrible cold from my kids this week and I'm starting to feel like it is never-ending! Hope Spring brings some relief!
Just this morning, I listened to your interview with the "How to Talk" duo! Then, Melinda, I watched your Happy Mom Summit talk. What a day to chat with you both on this thread. I've read the "How to Talk" books, but I find refreshers like the interview are key to maintaining. And thank you, Melinda, for tuning me in to the Happy Mom Summit. I've watched the ones I found most relevant to my kids and me (so as not to overwhelm myself!). I expected to feel lousy from learning all the ways I'm getting it wrong, but instead I've realized I'm getting most of it "right". Many of the speakers mention instances of their own less-than-stellar parenting moments. To hear that even Joann Faber and Julie King have had rough morning that resulted in barking orders at their kids makes me realize that I'm not alone or defective.
Small world!! Love that you're finding the Happy Mom Summit helpful and reassuring.
Uuugh. Drink all the fluids and get lots and lots and lots of rest. (We were lucky and just had mild cases, but had to isolate at home with the toddler until we both tested negative, which took 12 days for me!)
Speaking of the toddler, he just turned two and we have hit toddlerhood hard. It is soooooo much.
Yes it is a lot!!!! Hang in there!! Highly recommend Claire Lerner's book.
Thanks! I follow her on Instagram and we also follow/got the course from Big Little Feelings. I'm sure a lot of stuff has big overlap, but we've found the course helpful, esp since it's bite-size videos that are a little easier when you're sleep-deprived (she says with a toddler who woke up crying several times last night and woke up crying at 5 this morning, sob).
I’m so sorry you have Covid! I am feeling like this season of my life and also literal season is difficult. My 5yo son has had some medical problems (totally routine thank goodness) the past 4/5 weeks and I’m totally drained. My husband has been traveling for work. My daughter (7yo) is jealous that I’ve had to focus extra time on my son. I just never knew how much parenting could wear you down!!
Oh thank you!!
My kid’s teacher died suddenly over February break. He was young and had young kids, and our whole school community is devastated.
I’m so sorry. That’s so hard.