I find myself reacting emotionally and personally to the research, which feels mostly like overwhelm and a small panic about how little control I have as a parent over all the variables that will affect how and if my kid will or won’t make friends in adolescence. Stepping back from the fear, it’s cool to see such a longitudinal study with a pretty big number of participants! I’m psyched to learn more about the study design and who was/wasn’t included in it. I wonder, where will the research have greatest effect or influence?
While I think this is, in general, really hopeful research on how parenting can affect multiple lives (not just our kids), I find myself reacting to the fact that all of the studies you cited only studied mothers. I'm coming off of being "mother shamed" in a recent appointment with a professional for my 8 y.o. (where notably, my husband did not get criticized or questioned), so I'm probably more sensitive this this right now. However, it's frustrating that they way research is conducted still places the burden and blame primarily on mothers. How are we to expect fathers to be accountable if they're not even studied or included in "parenting" research. Grr!
Oh my gosh YES. It's incredibly frustrating that the vast, vast majority of parenting studies only involve mothers. It's a complicated problem, too, not entirely the fault of the researchers -- I interviewed a scientist recently who has been studying how to get dads more involved in parenting research, because one big problem is that fathers just do not volunteer, even when they are specifically requested. This reminds me that I should write about this here... thank you! Jotting that down to tackle once my book draft is in!
I run a grassroots organization for fathers in a smaller city of Texas. What I've discovered is that most dads are too busy or overwhelmed to participate in a lot of extra-curricular activities, even if they are paid. Time is a commodity not afforded to dads who are middle class and below. The wealthy dads I know, unless they are passionate about fatherhood, would see surveys as a waste of their time. Also considering my assessment that men are more socially isolated (friendships, mental health, community), getting them to do something outside of their children's activities or work is difficult. However, millennial fathers are more engaged than ever, particular black fathers.
Thanks, Drexel -- that is a helpful observation! It's wonderful that you run this organization to support fathers. I don't know that busyness on its own explains the gender discrepancy, because mothers on average experience as much if not more time pressure as fathers do .... I suspect there must be multiple things going on, including what you said about it research maybe feeling like a waste of time for some men (or maybe they think their contributions won't be useful? Which isn't true!!). I'll dig into this more, I'm very curious!
Great point about busyness and gender differences. I wonder if you could measure busyness and perceived busyness, how that would play out between genders. I have no doubt that ladies are busier. I suspect fathers will perceive themselves busier. I also suspect a person's busyness has less to do with tasks but expectations, stress, and how close they feel to their purpose.
Thank you for this article. I really appreciate the research and the reminder of how impactful my responses are in my children’s wellbeing and their future relationships. It’s a lighthouse for me to stay the course and at times course correct. I really appreciate your work!
These are heartwarming findings. The thing I'm struggling with lately is not having the emotional strength to do much empathizing and problem solving with my kindergartener. He's going through this ultra combative phase where every little thing snowballs into an issue, and trying to talk about it with him hasn't been working (he seems to get more mad or tells me why all of my proposed solutions will never work). The more these behaviors accumulate throughout the day or week, the less energy I have to respond to them calmly and warmly.
So I guess...does anyone else have situations where things just get crazy for a while and you find that it's really hard to parent to your ideals? Am I going to mess up my kid?
Ohhhh absolutely. And then, sometimes very quickly, it shifts and things are often better. But it's so hard to be in that space and not know if and when it will change!!! Sending hugs. I'll also add that my daughter often does not like me to problem-solve with her either — I think this is true of a lot of kids. Sometimes the best thing for me to do is just be there while she's having her feelings. And to say "that sounds hard" and nothing else. Other times she doesn't even want me around when she's upset, and that's okay too! I think the key thing is just not to dismiss/minimize/shame them for their feelings. If you're not doing that, you're doing great!
This research is so helpful in validating our efforts as parents and caregivers. In my view, the crux of parenting's innate difficulty is that our children are emotionally immature and dependent by design, and we are often struggling to simultaneously provide for their basic needs while becoming more emotionally mature ourselves (a life-long project), and navigate relationships with our own parents as adult children; and it takes incredible internal and external resources to be able to balance all of this emotional and physical labor. Add to that the fact that our society lacks sufficient support for parents (paid family leave, etc.), and we often lack engaged, available, wise elders in our extended families, and the result is that we find ourselves as parents trying to do it all and constantly feeling like we are falling short and that our own needs are not met. This study is a balm, reassuring parents and caregivers that we are making for past, present and future generations.
Yes yes yes!! This is exactly what I've been hoping for in my endeavours to parent in a calm, empathic and compassionate way. I knew I was onto something 😉 How does society STILL not value parenting as a "job", when parents are literally shaping the way future adults will behave/function and therefore impact society 🤔 Thank you Melinda for another fantastic post 👍
I find myself reacting emotionally and personally to the research, which feels mostly like overwhelm and a small panic about how little control I have as a parent over all the variables that will affect how and if my kid will or won’t make friends in adolescence. Stepping back from the fear, it’s cool to see such a longitudinal study with a pretty big number of participants! I’m psyched to learn more about the study design and who was/wasn’t included in it. I wonder, where will the research have greatest effect or influence?
While I think this is, in general, really hopeful research on how parenting can affect multiple lives (not just our kids), I find myself reacting to the fact that all of the studies you cited only studied mothers. I'm coming off of being "mother shamed" in a recent appointment with a professional for my 8 y.o. (where notably, my husband did not get criticized or questioned), so I'm probably more sensitive this this right now. However, it's frustrating that they way research is conducted still places the burden and blame primarily on mothers. How are we to expect fathers to be accountable if they're not even studied or included in "parenting" research. Grr!
Oh my gosh YES. It's incredibly frustrating that the vast, vast majority of parenting studies only involve mothers. It's a complicated problem, too, not entirely the fault of the researchers -- I interviewed a scientist recently who has been studying how to get dads more involved in parenting research, because one big problem is that fathers just do not volunteer, even when they are specifically requested. This reminds me that I should write about this here... thank you! Jotting that down to tackle once my book draft is in!
I run a grassroots organization for fathers in a smaller city of Texas. What I've discovered is that most dads are too busy or overwhelmed to participate in a lot of extra-curricular activities, even if they are paid. Time is a commodity not afforded to dads who are middle class and below. The wealthy dads I know, unless they are passionate about fatherhood, would see surveys as a waste of their time. Also considering my assessment that men are more socially isolated (friendships, mental health, community), getting them to do something outside of their children's activities or work is difficult. However, millennial fathers are more engaged than ever, particular black fathers.
Thanks, Drexel -- that is a helpful observation! It's wonderful that you run this organization to support fathers. I don't know that busyness on its own explains the gender discrepancy, because mothers on average experience as much if not more time pressure as fathers do .... I suspect there must be multiple things going on, including what you said about it research maybe feeling like a waste of time for some men (or maybe they think their contributions won't be useful? Which isn't true!!). I'll dig into this more, I'm very curious!
Great point about busyness and gender differences. I wonder if you could measure busyness and perceived busyness, how that would play out between genders. I have no doubt that ladies are busier. I suspect fathers will perceive themselves busier. I also suspect a person's busyness has less to do with tasks but expectations, stress, and how close they feel to their purpose.
Yes, definitely!
Thank you for this article. I really appreciate the research and the reminder of how impactful my responses are in my children’s wellbeing and their future relationships. It’s a lighthouse for me to stay the course and at times course correct. I really appreciate your work!
Thank you for this uplifting analysis and sharing the research 💖
A helpful reminder after I was castigated this morning for improper placement of pigtails on my 3yo.
This is so affirming and powerful. Thanks for sharing!
These are heartwarming findings. The thing I'm struggling with lately is not having the emotional strength to do much empathizing and problem solving with my kindergartener. He's going through this ultra combative phase where every little thing snowballs into an issue, and trying to talk about it with him hasn't been working (he seems to get more mad or tells me why all of my proposed solutions will never work). The more these behaviors accumulate throughout the day or week, the less energy I have to respond to them calmly and warmly.
So I guess...does anyone else have situations where things just get crazy for a while and you find that it's really hard to parent to your ideals? Am I going to mess up my kid?
Ohhhh absolutely. And then, sometimes very quickly, it shifts and things are often better. But it's so hard to be in that space and not know if and when it will change!!! Sending hugs. I'll also add that my daughter often does not like me to problem-solve with her either — I think this is true of a lot of kids. Sometimes the best thing for me to do is just be there while she's having her feelings. And to say "that sounds hard" and nothing else. Other times she doesn't even want me around when she's upset, and that's okay too! I think the key thing is just not to dismiss/minimize/shame them for their feelings. If you're not doing that, you're doing great!
This research is so helpful in validating our efforts as parents and caregivers. In my view, the crux of parenting's innate difficulty is that our children are emotionally immature and dependent by design, and we are often struggling to simultaneously provide for their basic needs while becoming more emotionally mature ourselves (a life-long project), and navigate relationships with our own parents as adult children; and it takes incredible internal and external resources to be able to balance all of this emotional and physical labor. Add to that the fact that our society lacks sufficient support for parents (paid family leave, etc.), and we often lack engaged, available, wise elders in our extended families, and the result is that we find ourselves as parents trying to do it all and constantly feeling like we are falling short and that our own needs are not met. This study is a balm, reassuring parents and caregivers that we are making for past, present and future generations.
Yes yes yes!! This is exactly what I've been hoping for in my endeavours to parent in a calm, empathic and compassionate way. I knew I was onto something 😉 How does society STILL not value parenting as a "job", when parents are literally shaping the way future adults will behave/function and therefore impact society 🤔 Thank you Melinda for another fantastic post 👍