So many themes of my therapy sessions involve this fallacy of self-sacrifice! Thanks for giving it a name. And I appreciate your inclusion of stay at home moms - I have a lot of conflicting thoughts on that one too and I am one 🤪
I had my daughter a handful of months in to the pandemic. A friend also had a baby and then decided to open an in-home daycare, so we had our daughter join 2 days a week when I went back to work part time. I ended up quitting my job after a couple months, but we decided to keep our daughter in daycare. We didn’t have helpful family around and with the pandemic it was basically the only “help” we got. I cherished my days home alone and also felt so guilty for it. I always found myself thinking other people don’t get this much help and I’m not working so why should I? My therapist was super helpful in affirming the choice to have her there 2 days a week. I eventually went back to grad school (where I am now) and it was perfect to have her still there, but I definitely struggled with that choice to keep her there. I now tend to think it’s not that I got more help than I needed, I really think most stay-at-home parents don’t get enough help.
This post is so timely! I have been having lots of conversations like this too. I think something else to note about accessing childcare as a stay at home parent is that parenting doesn’t just involve those idyllic, present moments of playing in the sandbox or baking cookies. Parenting, like any job, involves a fair bit of admin, especially as kids get older and/or especially if a child has health or learning struggles. There’s paperwork, scheduling appointments, signing kids up for things, planning travel, talking to the other adults involved in your child’s care, and acquiring needed supplies, from food to gear. If you don’t have any childcare, you’re often obliged to spend some of those sandbox moments multi-tasking to take care of all that, even if you’d rather not. That’s less than ideal for everyone. As a teacher, I still needed prep periods, where my students were dancing or learning Spanish or playing outside with other caring adults, to do this -- to sign up for field trips, confer with a social worker, eat a meal, or prepare my materials for the cool things we were going to do after recess. I think any person who works with children all day long also deserves that support. There’s no reason why stay at home parents should not have the same basic working conditions as other childcare professionals, but due to the misogynistic attitudes you mention about women and care work, we act like they’re two different species.
So. True. As a stay-at-home parent of a toddler with medical challenges, sooooo much of my time is dedicated to “admin.” It’s just one aspect of who she is and who our family is, but it ends up defining a lot of my “down” time. We’re looking into preschool options now - to expand her world, but also mine!
Solidarity to you, medical mama. We learned so much from our child’s first year in school this year. We still had to be very involved and he’s on to a different setting now that better meets his needs -- which all involved admin time! -- but it felt so good to know that he was building meaningful friendships while I was taking care of myself or other things, without having to split my attention. (A big help for this neurodivergent mama!) Wishing you all the village support you want and need in this time.
So many themes of my therapy sessions involve this fallacy of self-sacrifice! Thanks for giving it a name. And I appreciate your inclusion of stay at home moms - I have a lot of conflicting thoughts on that one too and I am one 🤪
I had my daughter a handful of months in to the pandemic. A friend also had a baby and then decided to open an in-home daycare, so we had our daughter join 2 days a week when I went back to work part time. I ended up quitting my job after a couple months, but we decided to keep our daughter in daycare. We didn’t have helpful family around and with the pandemic it was basically the only “help” we got. I cherished my days home alone and also felt so guilty for it. I always found myself thinking other people don’t get this much help and I’m not working so why should I? My therapist was super helpful in affirming the choice to have her there 2 days a week. I eventually went back to grad school (where I am now) and it was perfect to have her still there, but I definitely struggled with that choice to keep her there. I now tend to think it’s not that I got more help than I needed, I really think most stay-at-home parents don’t get enough help.
I totally agree that most don’t have enough help. We weren’t meant to raise kids without support!! So glad you got that childcare.
This post is so timely! I have been having lots of conversations like this too. I think something else to note about accessing childcare as a stay at home parent is that parenting doesn’t just involve those idyllic, present moments of playing in the sandbox or baking cookies. Parenting, like any job, involves a fair bit of admin, especially as kids get older and/or especially if a child has health or learning struggles. There’s paperwork, scheduling appointments, signing kids up for things, planning travel, talking to the other adults involved in your child’s care, and acquiring needed supplies, from food to gear. If you don’t have any childcare, you’re often obliged to spend some of those sandbox moments multi-tasking to take care of all that, even if you’d rather not. That’s less than ideal for everyone. As a teacher, I still needed prep periods, where my students were dancing or learning Spanish or playing outside with other caring adults, to do this -- to sign up for field trips, confer with a social worker, eat a meal, or prepare my materials for the cool things we were going to do after recess. I think any person who works with children all day long also deserves that support. There’s no reason why stay at home parents should not have the same basic working conditions as other childcare professionals, but due to the misogynistic attitudes you mention about women and care work, we act like they’re two different species.
Yes yes yes!!!!
So. True. As a stay-at-home parent of a toddler with medical challenges, sooooo much of my time is dedicated to “admin.” It’s just one aspect of who she is and who our family is, but it ends up defining a lot of my “down” time. We’re looking into preschool options now - to expand her world, but also mine!
Yes, the admin! So overwhelming and yet often invisible.
So overwhelming. So invisible. It feels important and empowering to validate that for each other and to make it more visible for others!
Solidarity to you, medical mama. We learned so much from our child’s first year in school this year. We still had to be very involved and he’s on to a different setting now that better meets his needs -- which all involved admin time! -- but it felt so good to know that he was building meaningful friendships while I was taking care of myself or other things, without having to split my attention. (A big help for this neurodivergent mama!) Wishing you all the village support you want and need in this time.
Yes. So. Much. Yes. As a former teacher and current SAHP, I deeply feel this and have struggled with trying to explain it for YEARS.
We definitely need to start a club. (And maybe a union?!)
Thank you for this one - I will bookmark it and reread it, too. I need someone “official” to echo my rational brain in those martyr moments. 🙃
OMG. This might be my favorite newsletter you've ever sent.
Awww, yay!! Please share it with friends!
A necessary and important essay! Thank you so much
helllllll yes, Melinda! hellll yes. thank you for writing this, i sent it to all my ppl! i appreciate you.