Raising Empowered Girls in a Misogynistic World
An interview with clinical psychologist and author Jo-Ann Finkelstein.
In the aftermath of the election, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to raise a a girl right now. How do we, as parents, talk to our daughters about Trump’s win and Kamala’s loss? How do we raise them to be confident and optimistic when we might feel anything but? How can we talk to girls about sexism and misogyny without making them feel hopeless?
Thankfully, I found someone wonderful to turn to for insight: clinical psychologist Jo-Ann Finkelstein, who writes the fantastic Substack
and whose first book, Sexism & Sensibility: Raising Empowered, Resilient Girls in the Modern World, came out in September. Jo-Ann runs a private clinical practice rooted in an understanding of how bias, social justice, and mental health intersect. I highly recommend her amazing new book — it is thoughtful, hopeful, and pragmatic.For today’s interview, I asked Jo-Ann my most pressing questions about raising girls in this fraught political moment. She also answered my in-the-weeds questions about clothing choices, cosmetics, stereotypes, and more.
Jo-Ann, what inspired you to write Sexism & Sensibility?
I wanted to write a book that brought together my personal experiences with what I’ve witnessed in my professional life working with girls.
I grew up in Canada, where hockey is a national obsession. I have three brothers (no sisters) who loved hockey, and I wanted to play, too. So, I asked my parents for a hockey stick. To my delight, they bought me one for my birthday. But to my horror, it was bright pink and looked like a toy version of my brothers’!
I’ve worked with girls and women for the last 24 years in my private practice and I discovered that every girl has a pink hockey stick story.
Girls constantly get messages that make them feel unseen, unheard, or not taken seriously. I witness how harmful these messages are to my patients’ sense of self and sense of potential. These spoken and unspoken messages are like tiny psychological paper cuts that accumulate and become festering wounds of self-doubt.
As a kid, when I would push back at or get upset about the gender differences I was noticing, my parents insisted that they didn’t treat me differently from the boys. Or they would say, “You're being too sensitive” or “Stop being so dramatic” — classic comments I now know girls and women hear A LOT. This made me feel crazy. So, to avoid criticism, I learned to hide my feelings.
It wasn’t until years later, when I was doing a Master’s degree, that I began to truly understand my experience. I had mentioned in a paper for my developmental psychology class that I’d been accused of overreacting when I felt demeaned. The professor scribbled in the margin, “That’s what people say to talk girls out of their feelings!” It was such a validating moment for me.
Validating girls’ experiences and opening parents’ eyes to the barrage of bias and sexism girls face are two reasons why I wrote my book. One pink hockey stick may not be a big deal, but as I say in Sexism & Sensibility, trauma doesn’t have to be an event; it can be the invisible residue of growing up in a world that believes you’re weak, inferior, irrational, overly emotional, unserious, and incapable of leadership and of making important decisions.
How does the reality of another Trump presidency shape your thoughts on how we should be engaging with girls today?
In the wake of an election where our children see that misogyny, sexism, and sexual assault don’t disqualify a presidential candidate — and where even some women vote for that candidate with a clear conscience — my message feels more relevant and urgent than ever.
The everyday bias and sexism girls face is so confusing because often it is subtle, with plausible deniability at the ready. So if we don’t address the double standards and the demeaning and objectifying experiences most girls face, we rob them of context and the permission to name what they’re experiencing, which just exacerbates their confusion. When we don’t explain why men have more power and prestige, we leave them to draw their own conclusions — that boys must be smarter and more important.
But, of course, talking about sexism with kids is tricky. With my own daughter, I worried it would rob her of the notion she lived in a fair world and create feelings of inferiority that weren’t yet there. Mostly, I stuck to pointing out counter-stereotypical role models, like a dad who stays home with his kids or a woman who runs her own business, rather than pointing out overt sexism. Most of us would prefer to rely on Girl Power to counter the bias we know our daughters are going to encounter. So, like many parents, I got mine books with strong female characters, brought her to Women’s Marches, bought her RBG paraphernalia, etc. But over time I heard in her questions and her disappointment a need to understand why “the girl never wins” on MasterChef Junior, or how Hillary could lose to a man who bragged about violating women, or why there are only female cheerleaders.
Similarly, with my teenage patients, I see how they blame themselves when they’re slut-shamed (despite expressing a strong feminist identity), buy into their own fragility (even as they tout women are badasses), spend hours on their appearance (even as they express envy that boys can sleep an hour longer because they don’t have to “get ready”) and feel selfish when they protect their time, or mean when they feel anger. I mean, nearly 50% of girls believe speaking their mind will make them unlikable! Girls are socialized to hide confidence because otherwise they’re seen as bossy and aggressive. So, being real with kids of all ages, in age-appropriate ways, is imperative.
A sunshiny “girls can do anything!” mindset is not enough to set them up to successfully resist sexist messaging designed to make them feel they’re either too much or not enough. And it certainly won’t prepare them to fight for their basic human rights, which might be necessary in te next four years.
How do you suggest we talk to our kids about Kamala’s loss? I worry that her defeat could reinforce the message to kids — both boys and girls — that women are not as smart or as capable as men.
This is one of those crucial teaching moments where we must talk about the barriers women face. We can address both Harris’s loss, and sexism, in a way that reinforces resilience and empowerment. We can acknowledge how disappointing it is when capable women lose, especially to someone that seems so cruel. But it doesn’t change the fact that Harris's achievements are historic and inspiring and we can emphasize that. By highlighting her role as a trailblazer and reminding kids that setbacks are part of progress, we’re encouraging them to continue believing in and striving for equality.
For younger kids, you might say, “Sometimes, people have old ideas about what boys and girls can do. A long time ago, women weren't allowed to vote or have certain jobs, and even though things have gotten better, some of those ideas still stick around. This means women like Kamala Harris have to work harder to show they can lead, even when they're just as smart and capable as men. It’s not fair, but every time someone like her tries, they help make it easier for the next generation of girls to succeed."
For older kids, you can tell them or remind them that America was founded on genocide and that, sadly, oppression is woven into our history. The important part of this is to get across that so much of what’s right about our country hasn’t come from the government, but from good, smart, capable people standing up to injustice. This is an opportunity for us to help them recognize they can be those good, smart, capable people themselves. We can encourage them to engage in local politics, start initiatives like a human rights club at school, or support causes they believe in through volunteering or donating part of their allowance to impactful organizations.
What are some key ways in which parents today unconsciously and unwittingly reinforce gender stereotypes with their children? What should be we more aware of?
The first order of business is to believe that no matter how progressive or careful you are, you are unconsciously reinforcing stereotypes. Parents tell me that when they start paying attention they’re often shocked by how Good (capital G) they expect their daughters to be compared to their sons. The expect them to listen the first time, not get angry, help more, and be more accommodating than their sons. One self-identified feminist mom wrote to me after reading Sexism & Sensibility to say it helped her realize how uncomfortable she felt when her teenage daughter expressed strong opinions, even though her son was the more outspoken and usually more critical one. She acknowledged to her daughter that she might have been shutting her down and her daughter started to cry from the recognition. Her daughter had known something felt wrong and unfair, but she couldn’t pinpoint it.
Parents also tell me that they’re stunned by the amount of focus they put on their daughters’ appearance, compared to their sons’, and by the number of comments they make about her various body parts. Even a compliment is an evaluation and sends the message your appearance is what matters most. It’s no wonder that research shows that girls all over the world believe it’s their most important asset. How sad is that?
Another important difference is in the use of language. With our daughters we tend to use emotional-focused words such as “love,” “scared,” and “excited,” while with our sons, we use achievement-related language, like “proud,” “win” and “best”. Subtly, we‘re sending the message that feelings and relationships are central parts of being a girl, while ambition and competition are acceptable and expected parts of being a boy.
Stereotyping starts even before birth, especially when it comes to strength and power. Mothers who know they’re having a boy are more likely to describe their babies’ movements as “strong” and “vigorous,” but mothers who don’t know the sex describe no such differences. Once born, infant daughters are described as less strong, more delicate, and more feminine than infant sons, even when there’s no objective differences in birth length, weight, or Apgar scores. Moreover, in experiments where babies are randomly assigned labels of female or male, they’re perceived differently regardless of their actual sex. Those labeled boys (even if they’re girls) are described as stronger and more masculine and are given stereotyped toys based on their hypothetical sex. Adults also interpret behavior through a gendered lens, so crying, for example, means a girl is sad but a boy is angry. We are quicker to respond to girls so girls learn they’re more fragile and boys learn, well, not to cry. These stereotypes are the foundation on which sexism is built.
I have a tween daughter and we have had many conversations about unrealistic and unfair societal expectations surrounding female beauty — like that men often conceive of and frame a woman’s value as being rooted in her appearance, and how harmful that is. And yet….. she has nothing but cosmetics on her holiday wish list. Should I be concerned? How should I talk to her about it, if at all?
Sigh. Beauty culture and social media are a tough match for us mere mortals. I think you’re right to take note and be concerned but I also think it’s really important to remember when it comes to combatting sexism, especially the “Beast of Beauty” as I like to call it, we’re playing the long game. Ultimately, we want to help girls become critical consumers of societal expectations but that doesn’t happen overnight.
It’s normal for teens to experiment with their looks and to use their appearances as a way to assert themselves as distinct individuals from us while also gaining a sense of belonging with their peers. We don’t want to disrupt the healthy process of individuation but we also don’t want them believing they’re ugly without serums, makeup, and hair dyes. Using a light touch is important both in terms of their self esteem and your relationship with them. We don’t want to make them feel their choices are bad and we want to give them adequate autonomy over their bodies. Over time, as their identities firm up and they mature neurologically, they’ll be more able to separate what they want from what a patriarchal culture tells them they should want, especially if you’ve been whispering in their ear.
The message we want to convey over time, as you’ve been doing with your daughter, is that society places an undue emphasis on appearance and sexuality, often at the expense of recognizing all the other wonderful and truly important qualities that contribute to happiness, success, and fulfillment. We also want them to understand how the unabated focus on their appearance, and ads for how they can improve themselves, are constant reminders they’re falling short. The ubiquity in every type of media of the tall, slim, angular woman with radiant skin and cartoonish eyelashes makes these uncommon appearances seem normal, real, and attainable. So we want to frequently remind them that they are comparing their three-dimensional messy human selves with highly-curated, two-dimensional photos of friends and influencers.
We can also help them understand that they are being manipulated, explaining that corporations profit from making them feel insecure and that the algorithm is literally tapping into and deepening the insecurity they’re feeling every time they hover over something promising better skin or a smaller waist and quickly get inundated with “solutions.” We can comment how many products girls are unfairly expected to use to get a certain look and that girls have to plunge their financial, emotional, and intellectual resources along with oodles of time into their appearances. Meanwhile, boys have permission to get on with their lives with a quick shower and comfy clothes.
Of course, telling this to teenagers as they’re applying their false eyelashes and enhancing their cupid’s bow will at best garner eye rolls, and at worst feel critical and hurtful. I find it’s helpful to be honest and say something like, “I’m torn. I want you to have fun experimenting and figuring out who you are and what you like. But I also don’t like seeing girls being manipulated by a system that doesn’t have their best interests in mind.”
When it comes to wish lists, I think it’s perfectly acceptable not to buy all those cosmetics on their list and to supplement with other things like books, experiences, a gadget that will get them outside, etc. Or say to them, “Hey, can you pick your top three cosmetics and come up with some other ideas that reflect your other interests too?”
In your book, you talk about how parents might want to conceive of and respond to girls’ clothing choices. One thing you wrote that I found surprising was that when tween and young teen girls choose what we consider “sexy” clothes — crop tops and short skirts and the like — they’re often not actually doing it to attract attention from boys. Can you talk about why they wear these clothes, and how we should talk to them about their clothing choices (if at all)?
It's true. Most girls, especially when they’re younger, aren’t exposing their bellies, butt cheeks and cleavage to attract attention from boys. They’re interested in being fashionable, not sexy, and skimpy is what teen brands are selling. When we call attention to their clothing choices, they feel sexualized by us and become self-conscious and defensive. But, those who do purposely sexualize themselves, often do it as a way of taking control of their bodily autonomy in a world that relentlessly sexualizes them against their will. Rather than debating the dangers of their sexuality or assuming you know why they’re choosing to dress a certain way, be curious about it.
We don’t want to shame our kids for embracing their budding sexuality, but we also know seeing themselves through a system that values young women packaged for the marketplace of male desire leaves little room for pimples or tummy rolls. How can we help them see society is pushing them to overemphasize their sexuality? As the mother of teens and a therapist to many adolescents over the years, I’ve found the only “answer” is ongoing conversation and encouragement to think critically about cultural messages. As I once said to my daughter, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar but a crop top, dieting, or Brazilian wax is never as simple as free choice.
Liking how you look as a girl in this culture is practically a revolutionary act, but it’s nearly impossible to tell the difference between what we’re doing for ourselves because we want to and what we’re doing because we feel as if we have to in order to appear acceptable to others. I tell my daughter fashion is ephemeral; it takes courage to be an original. My goal has always been to help her think critically about her choices, not to control them. I try to let her make her own decisions but also help her think honestly about how those choices are made within a system that believes girls’ value lies mainly in their sex appeal. Sure, we can forbid them to wear the clothes they like and that help them fit in, but that does little for our relationships with them. Rather than make it us against the culture, it makes it us against them. The fight over autonomy in general, and clothing in particular, harms too many parent-child relationships.
When it comes to safety, how can we teach girls there’s nothing wrong with their developing bodies, nothing they can wear or do that would warrant being hurt, but tell them they still need to hide it sometimes to be safe? I tell parents to share their dilemma with them, saying something like, “I want you to be able to wear what you want. You’re not responsible for other people’s reactions, and yet some people will assume you’re dressing that way because you want their attention.” If her clothing choices are bringing her attention she doesn’t like or making her feel unsafe, she should listen to those cues. She might bring a sweatshirt to throw over that cami when she’s on the train. Ultimately, we’re hoping they’ll make choices based on both physical and emotional comfort. If she does choose to emphasize her body, we need to remember that girls wearing everything from bikinis to burkas get harassed and assaulted. There’s no research that says certain clothing makes it more likely.
At older ages, girls may be dressing sexy because it’s fun to feel attractive and wanted. It’s okay to acknowledge their sexual energy. Hopefully one day, that energy will be less dictated by a male gaze. But we can also talk to them about faux empowerment. Self-objectification can feel really powerful but feeling empowered isn’t the same thing as actual power. Real power is about the fair distribution of resources, political influence, and personal agency. We can express to our daughters, “I want you to feel great in your body and in the clothes you wear, but it’s also important to remember you deserve real power, which doesn’t come from being hot for the gratification of others.”
What should we do if our daughters blame sexism for things that might not actually have anything to do with sexism? Sometimes I hear my daughter and her friends make accusations of sexism when I’m not sure they’re entirely warranted. This is so tricky because I think it’s so important for girls to understand how common sexism is — and recognize how insidious it can often be — but I don’t want them to think it controls or is to blame for everything, either.
This is such a great question. Like a smoke detector that beeps only when there’s smoke, a “sexism detector” in good working order sounds when something is wrong and quiets when all is well. Such radar is essential so girls learn to trust their instincts and can decipher when danger is present. But with all the talk about sexism on social media and the budding feminism among some teenagers, it’s possible they will attribute sexism to something that’s not sexist. This is a great opportunity to encourage critical thinking before jumping to conclusions. We can acknowledge the reality of sexism, then, guide them to examine the situation carefully: What evidence suggests sexism is at play? Are there other possible explanations? Help them see that while sexism is pervasive, not every challenge stems from it. The recent U.S. election is a good example because it’s tempting to just conclude this country hates women. Of course, the fact that being an adjudicated rapist didn’t stop people from electing someone to be President is indicative of serious misogyny and the acceptability of rape culture. And yet, many people voted for Trump despite the hate he spews, not because of it. They believed that Trump would put steak on their dinner tables while a vote for Harris would mean agreeing to yet another ramen dinner. While sexism is a valid concern and can often play a role, it’s essential to look at all factors objectively. This can be a teaching moment about balancing awareness of bias with understanding other potential reasons for an outcome.
That said, the budding feminism we seem among teens is often more of an identity politics and doesn’t always hold up when something happens to them. Most girls are conditioned not to trust themselves and to deny sexist or abusive incidents. They repeatedly hear: you’re overreacting, you took it the wrong way, get a sense of humor, he meant it as a compliment, it’s boys being boys, maybe you led him on, and so on. This widespread, socially sanctioned gaslighting is very confusing. So when they experience sexism, it’s much more likely they’ll blame themselves. They decide their comment really was stupid, they didn’t deserve recognition, they must have made a mistake, they probably shouldn’t have gone home with him, they should have been more forceful, they gave him the wrong idea. If they grow up in a household that actively discusses sexism, their sexism detectors will allow them to reject the gaslighting and to trust what they know to be true, realizing there’s something wrong with the culture, not with them personally.
My greatest wish for my daughter is that she knows what it feels like to trust herself, and to make sure she doesn’t feel “less than” even if she’s sometimes treated that way. I want that for all of our daughters.
I have a boy but I had a lot of feelings reading this nonetheless!
This stuck out to me: "Mothers who know they’re having a boy are more likely to describe their babies’ movements as 'strong' and 'vigorous,' but mothers who don’t know the sex describe no such differences."
Two stories: When I was pregnant, I did not want to know if I was having a girl or a boy, but I got a good idea at my last ultrasound. The tech jokingly referred to the baby as a "little punk," which I wouldn't have necessarily seen as gendered if it was just something she said in passing, but she acted like she'd made a misstep and quickly tried to cover up. So I was like "oh, a boy."
And several years ago at a birthday party for a friend's kid, I was talking to a man with twins, a girl and a boy, and he was saying something about how active the boy was and how docile the girl was, and I said my best friend had the same experience -- that one of her twins was super active and the other was very chill and easy, and she'd told me that "if I had two of Matt* I wouldn't have survived, and if I'd had two of Fred* it would have been easy" (names changed), and this man I was talking to was completely staggered that it was possible to have boys with such different activity levels. Literally he was like "AND THEY'RE BOTH BOYS?" Uh, yeah, have you not noticed that there's variation even among boys and men?
So many incredible pearls of wisdom in this interview. I'm going to read it together with my teen boy because I want him to be a proactive part of reducing the misogynism in this wild world of ours. Thanks for this wonderful interview.