My 13 year old daughter started having regular panic attacks this past spring (as she was approaching her 13th birthday.) very scary stuff, she would hyperventilate and after a few minutes actually collapse on the floor and cry hysterically. The first few times I also freaked out, these attacks happened either before or after school, and were related to her perceptions that she was failing at something in school. (She is nearly straight A student). I tried rationalizing with her (“is this worry a fact or a feeling?”) hugging her, putting on a guided meditation for anxiety and even forcing her to splash cold water on her face, with mixed results. You can’t rationalize with someone once they’re in a full blown attack, and saying “calm down” is the worst thing to say EVER. Although my daughter is a bit shy and not an attention seeker, after a few of these events she did become a bit performative and even more dramatic. Both our pediatrician and her therapist strongly encourage box breathing and mindfulness activities, but my daughter still struggles with that, she claims it does not help, but I know from experience that success with meditation really does come from lots of practice, so we are continuing to encourage it. The other thing our therapist was emphatic about is that if she is starting to get spun up, we are not supposed to try to fix it for her or give her the platform to panic- we should acknowledge like “this seems hard for you, but I know you have the tools to ride this wave of anxiety” and then leave her alone so she can calm herself. This has been VERY HARD, a little like sleep training aka “cry it out” for a teenager, but I recognize that stressful events will always happen, I won’t always be there when she gets stressed and she needs to build a toolbox to help herself when anxiety rises. Exercise is also critical- a daily run helps her. She is also now on a low dose of citalopram because although her stress abated a bit after school ended, it didn’t completely disappear and we have a family history of anxiety disorder. She has marginally improved and the real test will be when 8th grade starts in September. My daughter is now away at 2 weeks of sleep away camp- fingers crossed she is enjoying herself!
My kids haven’t had a panic attack, my first one was in my 30s, specifically in March 2020 the day everything was announced to be closing including our very sparsely attended neighborhood park which had felt like my last shred of normalcy. I told my husband I felt like I couldn’t breathe and he helped me through my box breathing. I also randomly had stress hives in March and April 2020. I had a few panic attacks surrounding the death of my grandma in March/April 2021 and then I don’t really recall having any again until fall of 2023. My husband or sister have been present during all of mine and it helped to have someone else to talk me through what was happening. I used the breathe section of the Apple Watch Meditations and that helped me too.
At Inside Out 2 my 7 yo niece commented she had a panic attack before and we discussed how that felt in her body. My kids have had sensory meltdowns and youngest will say he needs his water to breathe but I don’t think they’ve ever had a panic attack.
Oof, I’m sorry your daughter had that experience. Not only must that have been incredibly scary to feel but, as a parent, that must have been so tough to witness too. Sending you both comfort.
💖💖 Sending love to you and your daughter! This is scary from both sides, and I appreciate you sharing what worked for you.
My then 10yo niece had a near panic attack when she stayed at my house for the night, and I felt completely inadequate to care for her. We snuggled, and I gave her mint tea, which she said soothed her. My partner also has high anxiety and occasional panic attacks. I’m a problem-solver and advice-giver by nature, but I’ve found, like you said, that nothing I can say in those moments is helpful. You just have to *be there* to reassure them they’re safe.
That does sound scary and it sounds like you did all the right things! I'm impressed that she could specifically ask for something to squeeze and recognize that it would help. Watching Inside Out 2 has helped my 8-year-old talk about anxiety, and opened up a conversation between her and my husband about doing mindfulness meditations, which they've been listening to together some nights. Apparently sometimes she just giggles through them, but it's a nice routine to introduce her to.
So scary. I suffered from panic attacks my whole childhood and young adulthood. I had the great fortune to get targeted CBT treatment from Jennifer Abel (HIGHLY RECOMMEND her books for panic and anxiety). The good news is, once you learn what works for you for halting the panic before it progresses, you can be panic free. There's hope <3 I went from daily panic to ten years with no panic. Hang in there!
Both of my girls had panic attacks, but not until they were much older, 16 and 18. Interestingly, each of them tended to reacted negatively to coming home from sleep-over camp. Once, the younger one said, “I wish that I could live forever at camp. Camp is my real home.” That particular transition is truly challenging for children, no matter their age. Sounds like you did a great job, calm mother, with your daughter!
Having walked many through panic attacks (professionally and personally) you did a great job of getting through a difficult moment. One of thing that can be helpful is reminding the person in a state of panic that a process has started and we will need to to ride it out and we will do it together, it's scary to feel like the experience won't ever stop and to know that it will is helpful. Squeezing is great (she has good instincts for what she needs) or pressing feet or hands into the ground or wall can also help someone feel more grounded or less in their head. Such a tough thing to watch someone you love in distress.
As an anxiety sufferer myself, I think you did all the right things. You cannot reason away a panic attack once it's going. Deep breathing, calm presence (sitting next to her in silence) and a weighted blanket always help me shorten the panic. Reason can happen later. You did an awesome job!
I have had one panic attack at 3 weeks postpartum with my second baby, it sounds like you did everything right! My panic attack was probably related to insane hormones, breastfeeding, with a stomach bug, and my husband was taking care of our toddler and was going to get kidney stone surgery in 2 days, and I had my first day solo with 2 kids the next day. Despite all of this I was remaining quite calm in my bed but slowly couldn't feel my hands or feet. I realized my hands had become frozen in a scrunched up state. I tried moving around to improve circulation but nothing was working. Once my husband got the toddler down for bed I asked him to call 911 because I couldn't walk and had no idea what was happening. Turns out it was a panic attack! Once I realized that, my husband stayed with me and worked on box breathing, and he helped me take a cold shower. I havent had another panic attack since but have learned in the 18 months since that when there are too many logistics to juggle I get really anxious. One time I felt the tingling start and immediately took a cold shower and focused on breathing and it totally helped. I think realizing my trigger, trying to account for that by slowing down/triage, breathing, cold showers, and magnesium beverages have all helped get ahead of it. Such a crazy thing!!!
I'm sorry that your daughter went through this, but I find it so incredible that she asked for something to squeeze. Perhaps that was her body and mind's natural instinct kicking in. I think you handled really well. Have you ever heard of the 5 4 3 2 1 countfown for anxiety? (I took this from the University of Rochester Medical Center).
5: Acknowledge FIVE things you see around you. It could be a pen, a spot on the ceiling, anything in your surroundings.
4: Acknowledge FOUR things you can touch around you. It could be your hair, a pillow, or the ground under your feet.
3: Acknowledge THREE things you hear. This could be any external sound. If you can hear your belly rumbling that counts! Focus on things you can hear outside of your body.
2: Acknowledge TWO things you can smell. Maybe you are in your office and smell pencil, or maybe you are in your bedroom and smell a pillow. If you need to take a brief walk to find a scent you could smell soap in your bathroom, or nature outside.
1: Acknowledge ONE thing you can taste. What does the inside of your mouth taste like—gum, coffee, or the sandwich from lunch?
I am so sorry that happened, solidarity!
My 13 year old daughter started having regular panic attacks this past spring (as she was approaching her 13th birthday.) very scary stuff, she would hyperventilate and after a few minutes actually collapse on the floor and cry hysterically. The first few times I also freaked out, these attacks happened either before or after school, and were related to her perceptions that she was failing at something in school. (She is nearly straight A student). I tried rationalizing with her (“is this worry a fact or a feeling?”) hugging her, putting on a guided meditation for anxiety and even forcing her to splash cold water on her face, with mixed results. You can’t rationalize with someone once they’re in a full blown attack, and saying “calm down” is the worst thing to say EVER. Although my daughter is a bit shy and not an attention seeker, after a few of these events she did become a bit performative and even more dramatic. Both our pediatrician and her therapist strongly encourage box breathing and mindfulness activities, but my daughter still struggles with that, she claims it does not help, but I know from experience that success with meditation really does come from lots of practice, so we are continuing to encourage it. The other thing our therapist was emphatic about is that if she is starting to get spun up, we are not supposed to try to fix it for her or give her the platform to panic- we should acknowledge like “this seems hard for you, but I know you have the tools to ride this wave of anxiety” and then leave her alone so she can calm herself. This has been VERY HARD, a little like sleep training aka “cry it out” for a teenager, but I recognize that stressful events will always happen, I won’t always be there when she gets stressed and she needs to build a toolbox to help herself when anxiety rises. Exercise is also critical- a daily run helps her. She is also now on a low dose of citalopram because although her stress abated a bit after school ended, it didn’t completely disappear and we have a family history of anxiety disorder. She has marginally improved and the real test will be when 8th grade starts in September. My daughter is now away at 2 weeks of sleep away camp- fingers crossed she is enjoying herself!
Parenting: not for the faint of heart.
Very helpful suggestions - thank you!!!
Whewww, so tough! This is such a helpful read but feeling for you. Xo
My kids haven’t had a panic attack, my first one was in my 30s, specifically in March 2020 the day everything was announced to be closing including our very sparsely attended neighborhood park which had felt like my last shred of normalcy. I told my husband I felt like I couldn’t breathe and he helped me through my box breathing. I also randomly had stress hives in March and April 2020. I had a few panic attacks surrounding the death of my grandma in March/April 2021 and then I don’t really recall having any again until fall of 2023. My husband or sister have been present during all of mine and it helped to have someone else to talk me through what was happening. I used the breathe section of the Apple Watch Meditations and that helped me too.
At Inside Out 2 my 7 yo niece commented she had a panic attack before and we discussed how that felt in her body. My kids have had sensory meltdowns and youngest will say he needs his water to breathe but I don’t think they’ve ever had a panic attack.
Oof, I’m sorry your daughter had that experience. Not only must that have been incredibly scary to feel but, as a parent, that must have been so tough to witness too. Sending you both comfort.
💖💖 Sending love to you and your daughter! This is scary from both sides, and I appreciate you sharing what worked for you.
My then 10yo niece had a near panic attack when she stayed at my house for the night, and I felt completely inadequate to care for her. We snuggled, and I gave her mint tea, which she said soothed her. My partner also has high anxiety and occasional panic attacks. I’m a problem-solver and advice-giver by nature, but I’ve found, like you said, that nothing I can say in those moments is helpful. You just have to *be there* to reassure them they’re safe.
That does sound scary and it sounds like you did all the right things! I'm impressed that she could specifically ask for something to squeeze and recognize that it would help. Watching Inside Out 2 has helped my 8-year-old talk about anxiety, and opened up a conversation between her and my husband about doing mindfulness meditations, which they've been listening to together some nights. Apparently sometimes she just giggles through them, but it's a nice routine to introduce her to.
We still haven't seen it yet -- in part because they were at overnight camp. Maybe next weekend!!!
So scary. I suffered from panic attacks my whole childhood and young adulthood. I had the great fortune to get targeted CBT treatment from Jennifer Abel (HIGHLY RECOMMEND her books for panic and anxiety). The good news is, once you learn what works for you for halting the panic before it progresses, you can be panic free. There's hope <3 I went from daily panic to ten years with no panic. Hang in there!
Both of my girls had panic attacks, but not until they were much older, 16 and 18. Interestingly, each of them tended to reacted negatively to coming home from sleep-over camp. Once, the younger one said, “I wish that I could live forever at camp. Camp is my real home.” That particular transition is truly challenging for children, no matter their age. Sounds like you did a great job, calm mother, with your daughter!
Interesting! It's helpful to know that this is a tough transition for many kids.
Having walked many through panic attacks (professionally and personally) you did a great job of getting through a difficult moment. One of thing that can be helpful is reminding the person in a state of panic that a process has started and we will need to to ride it out and we will do it together, it's scary to feel like the experience won't ever stop and to know that it will is helpful. Squeezing is great (she has good instincts for what she needs) or pressing feet or hands into the ground or wall can also help someone feel more grounded or less in their head. Such a tough thing to watch someone you love in distress.
Great suggestion - thank you!!!!
As an anxiety sufferer myself, I think you did all the right things. You cannot reason away a panic attack once it's going. Deep breathing, calm presence (sitting next to her in silence) and a weighted blanket always help me shorten the panic. Reason can happen later. You did an awesome job!
Melinda, that sounds so tough for everyone, and you and your daughter handled it so well. Sending love!
I have had one panic attack at 3 weeks postpartum with my second baby, it sounds like you did everything right! My panic attack was probably related to insane hormones, breastfeeding, with a stomach bug, and my husband was taking care of our toddler and was going to get kidney stone surgery in 2 days, and I had my first day solo with 2 kids the next day. Despite all of this I was remaining quite calm in my bed but slowly couldn't feel my hands or feet. I realized my hands had become frozen in a scrunched up state. I tried moving around to improve circulation but nothing was working. Once my husband got the toddler down for bed I asked him to call 911 because I couldn't walk and had no idea what was happening. Turns out it was a panic attack! Once I realized that, my husband stayed with me and worked on box breathing, and he helped me take a cold shower. I havent had another panic attack since but have learned in the 18 months since that when there are too many logistics to juggle I get really anxious. One time I felt the tingling start and immediately took a cold shower and focused on breathing and it totally helped. I think realizing my trigger, trying to account for that by slowing down/triage, breathing, cold showers, and magnesium beverages have all helped get ahead of it. Such a crazy thing!!!
I'm sorry that your daughter went through this, but I find it so incredible that she asked for something to squeeze. Perhaps that was her body and mind's natural instinct kicking in. I think you handled really well. Have you ever heard of the 5 4 3 2 1 countfown for anxiety? (I took this from the University of Rochester Medical Center).
5: Acknowledge FIVE things you see around you. It could be a pen, a spot on the ceiling, anything in your surroundings.
4: Acknowledge FOUR things you can touch around you. It could be your hair, a pillow, or the ground under your feet.
3: Acknowledge THREE things you hear. This could be any external sound. If you can hear your belly rumbling that counts! Focus on things you can hear outside of your body.
2: Acknowledge TWO things you can smell. Maybe you are in your office and smell pencil, or maybe you are in your bedroom and smell a pillow. If you need to take a brief walk to find a scent you could smell soap in your bathroom, or nature outside.
1: Acknowledge ONE thing you can taste. What does the inside of your mouth taste like—gum, coffee, or the sandwich from lunch?