I love this (although I absolutely do kill plants; they keep giving me plants for my classroom because corporate likes them, and I am really bad at watering them).
I talked to one of my church friends on Sunday about how she has never left her youngest with her husband overnight and he’s 3. She asked me about how often we go away from our daughter (who turned 5 recently). I told her that it’s not super frequent, but we went on a trip for a few days last year to Hilton Head for our 10th anniversary- she stayed with my MIL, I went to Atlanta for 3 nights for a wedding in 2023- she stayed with my husband/MIL since my husband had to work one of those nights, my husband and I have done a couple hotel/BandB stays to have some alone time- again she stayed with my MIL, and I have been going on more weekend girls’ trips with my sister and our close friend (usually once a year)- she stays with my husband for those. My daughter is also in childcare Monday-Friday 9-6 because I work at the same school she attends, and my parents are about 40 minutes away and frequently watch her so I can go out with friends if my husband is working.
I think that taking these times for myself helps make me a better mom, and while my daughter always says she would rather I be with her, what she wants is not the only factor. When I haven’t taken time for myself away from work/wife/mom duties, I can feel the burnout/strain on me and the stress makes me more irritable and means I have to repair much more often because I am saying things in a way that isn’t kind or patient with my daughter.
Resilience is so important, and as someone who works in childcare I always tell people that it is not a bad thing to have a lot of people who love your child. As infant teachers we love all our baby friends in our class and take care of them the best we can while dealing with the logistics of group care.
This was really good for me to read too- I just got back from my 10 year anniversary trip after 9 nights away. And I bought a Vancouver Eras Tour ticket while I was gone so I will be going away for the weekend again in less than 3 weeks- I still feel guilty about it but not guilty enough not to go!
My kids were visibly sad when I put the concert on the calendar but I told them their dad will take great care of them and if/when she ever tours again I hope they fix all this Ticketmaster drama because there was no way we could afford 3 tickets. My kids were well taken care of by both sets of their grandparents while we were gone and I know they are lucky to have so many people who love them.
You can practice this without traveling too, if money is tight. I don’t often travel without the kids unless it’s for work, mostly because there’s no family nearby and sitters are expensive. But I practice ‘leaving them be’ when we’re at home. All of us can read/work/play on our own for long stretches (after practicing since babyhood.) It’s one of our family values that everyone knows how to find something to do on their own sometimes, without screens. It can be messy or loud, but not always, and building capacity for attention and discomfort (resilience) is important to us. Plus, both parents get their own time too, for things like exercise or being with friends. Those breaks are foundational to our family’s capacity for patience and kindness.
Such a helpful reminder, Melinda. After a very busy/chaotic fall I am one week post shoulder surgery. Our routines and structure are just a big mess. And the kids are feeling it. But it will balance out again and they are learning about helping out more.
I stand by my advice here though I also feel it's important to confess I buy MANY plants from the fancy plant store too. (They are where you have to go for more unusual plants... but a plant that can survive the fast-paced, cutthroat Home Depot environment is for sure the kind of plant we want to raise!)
Thanks for this piece! With my new job I have to travel every 2-3 weeks and it absolutely breaks my heart. Then my 4 year old gets super pouty and I feel awful for leaving her. She has a loving dad who takes such good care of her, I love the reminder of helping her build resilience
Thanks for this and the one about maternal self-sacrifice. I'm back to work a year earlier than planned, after 5 years and 2 babies, and both essays have been extremely comforting that it's ok that "we" were ready to transition back early. There are trade-offs and I AM sad to have drastically reduced the time I spend taking care of them. But even though we miss each other, they were also honestly SO sick of only me all the time and are thriving with the new situation now that we've all adjusted.
I love this (although I absolutely do kill plants; they keep giving me plants for my classroom because corporate likes them, and I am really bad at watering them).
I talked to one of my church friends on Sunday about how she has never left her youngest with her husband overnight and he’s 3. She asked me about how often we go away from our daughter (who turned 5 recently). I told her that it’s not super frequent, but we went on a trip for a few days last year to Hilton Head for our 10th anniversary- she stayed with my MIL, I went to Atlanta for 3 nights for a wedding in 2023- she stayed with my husband/MIL since my husband had to work one of those nights, my husband and I have done a couple hotel/BandB stays to have some alone time- again she stayed with my MIL, and I have been going on more weekend girls’ trips with my sister and our close friend (usually once a year)- she stays with my husband for those. My daughter is also in childcare Monday-Friday 9-6 because I work at the same school she attends, and my parents are about 40 minutes away and frequently watch her so I can go out with friends if my husband is working.
I think that taking these times for myself helps make me a better mom, and while my daughter always says she would rather I be with her, what she wants is not the only factor. When I haven’t taken time for myself away from work/wife/mom duties, I can feel the burnout/strain on me and the stress makes me more irritable and means I have to repair much more often because I am saying things in a way that isn’t kind or patient with my daughter.
Resilience is so important, and as someone who works in childcare I always tell people that it is not a bad thing to have a lot of people who love your child. As infant teachers we love all our baby friends in our class and take care of them the best we can while dealing with the logistics of group care.
This was really good for me to read too- I just got back from my 10 year anniversary trip after 9 nights away. And I bought a Vancouver Eras Tour ticket while I was gone so I will be going away for the weekend again in less than 3 weeks- I still feel guilty about it but not guilty enough not to go!
My kids were visibly sad when I put the concert on the calendar but I told them their dad will take great care of them and if/when she ever tours again I hope they fix all this Ticketmaster drama because there was no way we could afford 3 tickets. My kids were well taken care of by both sets of their grandparents while we were gone and I know they are lucky to have so many people who love them.
You can practice this without traveling too, if money is tight. I don’t often travel without the kids unless it’s for work, mostly because there’s no family nearby and sitters are expensive. But I practice ‘leaving them be’ when we’re at home. All of us can read/work/play on our own for long stretches (after practicing since babyhood.) It’s one of our family values that everyone knows how to find something to do on their own sometimes, without screens. It can be messy or loud, but not always, and building capacity for attention and discomfort (resilience) is important to us. Plus, both parents get their own time too, for things like exercise or being with friends. Those breaks are foundational to our family’s capacity for patience and kindness.
Such a helpful reminder, Melinda. After a very busy/chaotic fall I am one week post shoulder surgery. Our routines and structure are just a big mess. And the kids are feeling it. But it will balance out again and they are learning about helping out more.
I stand by my advice here though I also feel it's important to confess I buy MANY plants from the fancy plant store too. (They are where you have to go for more unusual plants... but a plant that can survive the fast-paced, cutthroat Home Depot environment is for sure the kind of plant we want to raise!)
Ha, yes, I definitely oversimplified your philosophy, sorry!!!!
LOL, you just protected/enabled my plant addiction but I'm not ashamed of who I am.
Thanks for this piece! With my new job I have to travel every 2-3 weeks and it absolutely breaks my heart. Then my 4 year old gets super pouty and I feel awful for leaving her. She has a loving dad who takes such good care of her, I love the reminder of helping her build resilience
Thanks for this and the one about maternal self-sacrifice. I'm back to work a year earlier than planned, after 5 years and 2 babies, and both essays have been extremely comforting that it's ok that "we" were ready to transition back early. There are trade-offs and I AM sad to have drastically reduced the time I spend taking care of them. But even though we miss each other, they were also honestly SO sick of only me all the time and are thriving with the new situation now that we've all adjusted.