This is the hard part of parenting advice... for most people this advice can be reassuring but when you lose a perfectly healthy 18 month daughter like I did suddenly to SUDC (Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood) and you read an article like this, it makes me want to SCREAM. I miss her every single day and I would do anything to have her back.
Thank you for your compassionate words. Her lack of cause of death is what makes me so upset. It's not in the Medical School curriculum or residency curriculum even though it's the number fourth of cause of death in toddlers per year and we don't know why. I am a Pediatrician with 10 + years of experience and I put a healthy child to sleep with a mild cold but no fevers and breastfed her and I woke up to a dead child. It's unsettling that with an unexplained death there is not enough urgency trying explain it.
Your frustration is palpable on the other side of the Atlantic, Florencia. I am so sorry for your loss, and share your anger at the medical ‘acceptance’ of SUDC.
Oh Florencia—I am deeply sorry for your loss and angered that our medical establishment is not working hard to figure out how to stop this. (I’m a pediatrician too and didn’t learn of SUDC until it happened to a coworker’s child). I wish your child were still with you, where she belongs.
I came here to comment how much I loved this article and then I saw your comment and it reminded me how we have no idea about what other people are going through. I’m so sorry for your loss Florencia ❤️
I think there's a difference between missing your child and wanting/wishing that they were with you right now. I feel like I can miss my kids and also be so glad that they are at camp/school/with grandma. It's like looking at pictures of them when they're asleep.
I appreciate this so much. I love my son more than anything, but I never missed him when he was at daycare. Definitely felt incredibly guilty over this, and the guilt was compounded by the fact that I'm a freelancer, so some members of my family often suggested that I could rearrange my schedule to have him home and still work (don't even get me started!). Now he's in elementary school and it's so nice to not have that pressure, since he has to go to school whether I want him to or not.
For me, it’s interesting how it’s changed actually. When my daughter was younger, she was really difficult. I needed time away to regroup, do adult work etc. It continued until she was almost 8. I felt so guilty.
Now at 9, she has become a real pleasure to be with. No more hours-long daily tantrums, or me feeling hopeless, no matter what I do. I was actually delighted when she said she really didn’t want to do any kind regular camp this summer. Just mostly chill and do projects at home. I spend as much time with her as I can, and we’ve had so much fun. And now I definitely miss her when she’s not around because being around her actually feeds me instead of constantly draining me so much. None of this was anyone’s fault of course, but the change does really help.
So interesting!!! Mine has definitely gotten easier in recent years too, and it’s way more fun to hang out with her. So glad you’ve experienced this lovely shift!
I still remember that while I was on my first parental leave, I got my older kid to daycare and then sprinted back home to have some alone time and didn't feel any guilt over this. In the beginning it was like an hour I had to myself. I cherished this. Others were not so understanding, telling me I should have stayed at the daycare center even though it was a mere five minute walk away from home. 🤯
This is the hard part of parenting advice... for most people this advice can be reassuring but when you lose a perfectly healthy 18 month daughter like I did suddenly to SUDC (Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood) and you read an article like this, it makes me want to SCREAM. I miss her every single day and I would do anything to have her back.
Oh I am so, so sorry, Florencia. And I'm sorry this piece was such an upsetting and excruciating read.
Thank you for your compassionate words. Her lack of cause of death is what makes me so upset. It's not in the Medical School curriculum or residency curriculum even though it's the number fourth of cause of death in toddlers per year and we don't know why. I am a Pediatrician with 10 + years of experience and I put a healthy child to sleep with a mild cold but no fevers and breastfed her and I woke up to a dead child. It's unsettling that with an unexplained death there is not enough urgency trying explain it.
I am heartbroken for you and your family and your daughter. None of you deserved this. Holding you in love and light.
Your frustration is palpable on the other side of the Atlantic, Florencia. I am so sorry for your loss, and share your anger at the medical ‘acceptance’ of SUDC.
Oh Florencia—I am deeply sorry for your loss and angered that our medical establishment is not working hard to figure out how to stop this. (I’m a pediatrician too and didn’t learn of SUDC until it happened to a coworker’s child). I wish your child were still with you, where she belongs.
I came here to comment how much I loved this article and then I saw your comment and it reminded me how we have no idea about what other people are going through. I’m so sorry for your loss Florencia ❤️
Thank you for your words. The community of people around the US that are embracing us is what is getting us through!
What I love most about this article is NO GUILT. Because that’s the most important piece of the puzzle.
I do not want to beat myself up over feelings I have or do not have about being a mom.
I think there's a difference between missing your child and wanting/wishing that they were with you right now. I feel like I can miss my kids and also be so glad that they are at camp/school/with grandma. It's like looking at pictures of them when they're asleep.
I appreciate this so much. I love my son more than anything, but I never missed him when he was at daycare. Definitely felt incredibly guilty over this, and the guilt was compounded by the fact that I'm a freelancer, so some members of my family often suggested that I could rearrange my schedule to have him home and still work (don't even get me started!). Now he's in elementary school and it's so nice to not have that pressure, since he has to go to school whether I want him to or not.
Oh my gosh I hear you on the but-you-have-a-flexible-schedule shit. It’s so infuriating.
For me, it’s interesting how it’s changed actually. When my daughter was younger, she was really difficult. I needed time away to regroup, do adult work etc. It continued until she was almost 8. I felt so guilty.
Now at 9, she has become a real pleasure to be with. No more hours-long daily tantrums, or me feeling hopeless, no matter what I do. I was actually delighted when she said she really didn’t want to do any kind regular camp this summer. Just mostly chill and do projects at home. I spend as much time with her as I can, and we’ve had so much fun. And now I definitely miss her when she’s not around because being around her actually feeds me instead of constantly draining me so much. None of this was anyone’s fault of course, but the change does really help.
So interesting!!! Mine has definitely gotten easier in recent years too, and it’s way more fun to hang out with her. So glad you’ve experienced this lovely shift!
I still remember that while I was on my first parental leave, I got my older kid to daycare and then sprinted back home to have some alone time and didn't feel any guilt over this. In the beginning it was like an hour I had to myself. I cherished this. Others were not so understanding, telling me I should have stayed at the daycare center even though it was a mere five minute walk away from home. 🤯