My biggest rule for surviving Thanksgiving with my daughter is that I am not going to worry about what she’s actually eating or not eating. Every year I am surprised anew by what she wants to eat at these big dinners (sometimes it’s a lot and sometimes it’s not; she’s very unpredictable when it comes to holiday meals). She just went to her 5 year well child check yesterday, and she is growing well and getting a wide variety of foods overall, so I am not going to spend my energy worrying about what she eats over the next few days.
We had a potluck last night for our monthly staff meeting and all she ate was a ham and cheese slider, some Mac and cheese, a brownie and 3 mini blueberry muffins. There was a lot of Mexican food this time around (my director Armando always brings something more traditional, and my friend Kat makes flan or Mexican jello), and Hannah seemed wary of it. We are having two big meals (one on Wednesday night with my mother-in-law, sisters-in-law, nieces, and brothers-in-law and another on Thursday afternoon with my grandparents, mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law, nephews, and great uncle). I think the best plan for getting through both those meals is always to just be neutral about eating and not too pressed about whether she’s “behaving.” I also don’t care at all what she wears- she picks out her own clothes and she’s a bit sensory sensitive when it comes to wanting to wear comfy clothes (tshirts and leggings or a casual dress and leggings), so I am sure she’ll look just fine.
I'd day this is a good rule for every day - once you've provided the food, don't worry about what they are eating. It will balance out over time - and kids sometimes need to see a certain food several times before they stick it in their mouth. By trying to force certain foods, or amounts of food, you set up a battle and that's not what you want at the dinner table. This especially holds true for special occasions where there's so much other pressure on them. It's hard to not care what others think of your kid, but I decided long ago that as long as I was a good parent for them, I was going to do my best not to care about other's judgement.
Agree! We (loosely) subscribe to Ellyn Satter's Division of Responsibility approach and it's so easy. I haven't forced my kids to eat anything in years and it's incredibly liberating. (And they have naturally become MUCH less picky over time.)
I plan to have my kids wear track pants and a long sleeved t shirt- they will look just fine! And I will also be at the table caring not at all if they eat any of the food. So I think our meal will be very low expectations.
I always think of the Little House books, especially Farmer Boy, when I hear grousing (shaming) about how kids don’t know how to behave at the table, or anywhere, anymore. Authoritarian to the core! Beatings to the child who reaches for a roll before his turn, which is last! But the sledding is awesome so… it’s all worth it?? Those books were a persistently if quietly bothersome inheritance for me, having read them so, so young.
Our kid is 13, past the days of meltdowns and wild anxious happiness to see Grampy and unfiltered disgust at turkey meat. When they were little, though, group meals were always a lot, and eventually we just stopped apologizing or feeling any way except “this is where our kid is at and having screen time in the living room is the call we make for them, it won’t be forever, this stuff takes time, we’ll get there, we’re just going to relax and enjoy this meal although discomfort and exhaustion vein all group meals so relax haha the salad’s really good.” You know, simple feelings! (As she falls to the floor, cackling at the slowly spinning, dust-encrusted blades of the ceiling fan.)
I read Farmer Boy a million times when I was a kid, and I also had the very strange experience of once spending Thanksgiving with a family who actually did that--the dad served up every single plate, starting with the oldest person at the table, and yes, that did mean they expected all of the adults to share their birthdays so they could get it exactly right. They also never let their oldest daughter eat as much as she wanted, except on Thanksgiving, the one day of the year she didn't literally go to bed hungry.
My parents are still friends with this couple, but their oldest daughter has estranged herself from them, and frankly I am not surprised at all. Part of me is still terrified of them and will never forget the time I tried to peek into a room of their house that, unbeknownst to me, children were never allowed in (the walls were filled with books! it looked like heaven! I was curious! I didn't even go in!), and one of them saw me and spoke so sternly and contemptuously to me (for not knowing the rules of a house that I didn't live in) that I went upstairs and cried afterward.
Another part of me really wants to see them so adult me can laugh in their faces when they say something appalling.
We’re lucky that my in-law’s family is too big for formal dinners and my side is small enough that dinner is just an extra two people at the table. So we don’t have any “sit there and eat” expectations but his neurodivergence comes out in a strong need to explore new environments. So when we go to my in-law’s he has a need to go into EVERY ROOM and if not watched will root through EVERY DRAWER (something that was cute at 2, but is less cute at 6). If it was just us we’d give him his headphones and tablet which would turn him into a perfect angel but since he’s the only cousin under 10 there’s NO WAY the aunts would stop trying to interact with him and while the child is a handful without electronics he is a MONSTER if thwarted from his electronics. So chasing the muppet around is what we’ve got.
Great article in the NYT. I was raised by an authoritarian parent and he made me miserable, which led to my poor self-esteem and external validation seeking behaviors. You are correct about this.
Oh I so needed this in my years of parenting young children! I started to dread holidays because I was so stressed about how my kids would act and the judgment I would feel. I've gotten much better over the years with letting go of so much (and now it's the teenage version of wanting to show up in sweats and not make small talk for hours) and this is the perfect pre-holiday essay to read!
My biggest rule for surviving Thanksgiving with my daughter is that I am not going to worry about what she’s actually eating or not eating. Every year I am surprised anew by what she wants to eat at these big dinners (sometimes it’s a lot and sometimes it’s not; she’s very unpredictable when it comes to holiday meals). She just went to her 5 year well child check yesterday, and she is growing well and getting a wide variety of foods overall, so I am not going to spend my energy worrying about what she eats over the next few days.
We had a potluck last night for our monthly staff meeting and all she ate was a ham and cheese slider, some Mac and cheese, a brownie and 3 mini blueberry muffins. There was a lot of Mexican food this time around (my director Armando always brings something more traditional, and my friend Kat makes flan or Mexican jello), and Hannah seemed wary of it. We are having two big meals (one on Wednesday night with my mother-in-law, sisters-in-law, nieces, and brothers-in-law and another on Thursday afternoon with my grandparents, mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law, nephews, and great uncle). I think the best plan for getting through both those meals is always to just be neutral about eating and not too pressed about whether she’s “behaving.” I also don’t care at all what she wears- she picks out her own clothes and she’s a bit sensory sensitive when it comes to wanting to wear comfy clothes (tshirts and leggings or a casual dress and leggings), so I am sure she’ll look just fine.
I'd day this is a good rule for every day - once you've provided the food, don't worry about what they are eating. It will balance out over time - and kids sometimes need to see a certain food several times before they stick it in their mouth. By trying to force certain foods, or amounts of food, you set up a battle and that's not what you want at the dinner table. This especially holds true for special occasions where there's so much other pressure on them. It's hard to not care what others think of your kid, but I decided long ago that as long as I was a good parent for them, I was going to do my best not to care about other's judgement.
Agree! We (loosely) subscribe to Ellyn Satter's Division of Responsibility approach and it's so easy. I haven't forced my kids to eat anything in years and it's incredibly liberating. (And they have naturally become MUCH less picky over time.)
I plan to have my kids wear track pants and a long sleeved t shirt- they will look just fine! And I will also be at the table caring not at all if they eat any of the food. So I think our meal will be very low expectations.
I always think of the Little House books, especially Farmer Boy, when I hear grousing (shaming) about how kids don’t know how to behave at the table, or anywhere, anymore. Authoritarian to the core! Beatings to the child who reaches for a roll before his turn, which is last! But the sledding is awesome so… it’s all worth it?? Those books were a persistently if quietly bothersome inheritance for me, having read them so, so young.
Our kid is 13, past the days of meltdowns and wild anxious happiness to see Grampy and unfiltered disgust at turkey meat. When they were little, though, group meals were always a lot, and eventually we just stopped apologizing or feeling any way except “this is where our kid is at and having screen time in the living room is the call we make for them, it won’t be forever, this stuff takes time, we’ll get there, we’re just going to relax and enjoy this meal although discomfort and exhaustion vein all group meals so relax haha the salad’s really good.” You know, simple feelings! (As she falls to the floor, cackling at the slowly spinning, dust-encrusted blades of the ceiling fan.)
I read Farmer Boy a million times when I was a kid, and I also had the very strange experience of once spending Thanksgiving with a family who actually did that--the dad served up every single plate, starting with the oldest person at the table, and yes, that did mean they expected all of the adults to share their birthdays so they could get it exactly right. They also never let their oldest daughter eat as much as she wanted, except on Thanksgiving, the one day of the year she didn't literally go to bed hungry.
My parents are still friends with this couple, but their oldest daughter has estranged herself from them, and frankly I am not surprised at all. Part of me is still terrified of them and will never forget the time I tried to peek into a room of their house that, unbeknownst to me, children were never allowed in (the walls were filled with books! it looked like heaven! I was curious! I didn't even go in!), and one of them saw me and spoke so sternly and contemptuously to me (for not knowing the rules of a house that I didn't live in) that I went upstairs and cried afterward.
Another part of me really wants to see them so adult me can laugh in their faces when they say something appalling.
Woah—the reprimand for just looking in a room!!!
My mom loved this book as a kid and when I tried to read it, I found it both boring and horrifying! I never finished it.
We’re lucky that my in-law’s family is too big for formal dinners and my side is small enough that dinner is just an extra two people at the table. So we don’t have any “sit there and eat” expectations but his neurodivergence comes out in a strong need to explore new environments. So when we go to my in-law’s he has a need to go into EVERY ROOM and if not watched will root through EVERY DRAWER (something that was cute at 2, but is less cute at 6). If it was just us we’d give him his headphones and tablet which would turn him into a perfect angel but since he’s the only cousin under 10 there’s NO WAY the aunts would stop trying to interact with him and while the child is a handful without electronics he is a MONSTER if thwarted from his electronics. So chasing the muppet around is what we’ve got.
Great article in the NYT. I was raised by an authoritarian parent and he made me miserable, which led to my poor self-esteem and external validation seeking behaviors. You are correct about this.
Oh I so needed this in my years of parenting young children! I started to dread holidays because I was so stressed about how my kids would act and the judgment I would feel. I've gotten much better over the years with letting go of so much (and now it's the teenage version of wanting to show up in sweats and not make small talk for hours) and this is the perfect pre-holiday essay to read!