I have so many thoughts...and some of them are not polite. I think you have done a beautiful job of challenging some of the main issues with the article. And my biggest concern with this as you said is the confusion and fear it creates for parents. It plays right into the fact that many parents have become frustrated with gentle parenting and it goes into a very different direction that is very unhelpful and potentially damaging for families.
I have not read this woman’s book or WSJ article, but it strikes me more than anything as a performance: “Look at me! I’m conservative!” And a ham-handed one at that. I mean, feelings are bad? Um…? Sounds like someone who enjoys thinking of herself as tough and no-nonsense, writing for other people who feel the same way and will read this book as a way to indulge in self-regard because it feels good.
I haven't read the book, but I think your critique that she conceptualize the issue in binary terms is very much to the point. There are actually moments when labeling feelings doesn't work.
"you seem so sad'
"No I am not"
Well, if feeling sad has gotten a negative connotation then any self-respecting child will say no to that. And if a child feels that if you not respecting their autonomy, they will defensively say no.
But doesn't mean not to ask about feelings, it more a call to pay attention in talking to your child to what works and what doesn't and making adjustments accordingly.
Seeing as the only context in which I’ve seen anything about this book shared is by Moms For Liberty (who I follow only to know what nonsense they’re up to) that tells us everything we need to know. Thanks for calling her nonsense out in such an evidenced based manner!
I have taught mindfulness to kids and built curricula around this for years. It unequivocally builds resilience, especially in very anxious children (including my own).
For older students (and adults), I’ve adapted Kristin Neff’s self compassion meditations, which have a strong research base. Tara Brach’s RAIN meditation has similar components. It is wild to me that someone would frame these as encouraging rumination without resolution. They are about moving through, not staying in, a feeling.
For my own child, we love reading The Color Monster and sorting feelings into colors (red for angry, blue for sad, and so on) when he’s visibly distressed or resisting an activity. His school social worker introduced this to several students and it’s been a hit. It is something he uses himself as needed or we use to respond to him, but not something we just quiz him on when he’s engaged in Legos or quietly riding home from school.
TLDR: these things are tools. They are useful in context. No one is arguing that people who use these tools see them as a universal hammer and every parenting moment as a nail. Except people who need that disingenuous argument to exist for adult reasons that have little to do with our collective thriving.
The most discouraging part about this is that, whether she believes everything she writes or not, she'll sell a ton of books b/c she's tapping into a certain zeitgeist. (Well, I guess that's not really the most discouraging part. The MOST discouraging part is that more kids will feel/learn they must repress their feelings)
Ugh, that is the worst! One of the best things we can do for kids (for people!) is be able to name and recognize our feelings. Building a feelings vocabulary, tuning into the nuance of different feelings all help us actually recognize that feelings are not constant states of being and do in fact change over time, which is so important for emotional regulation! I agree that setting up this false binary of either being overwhelmed by emotion or suppressing emotion--it leads to adults who only know how to feel anger or numb themselves. I have to undo years of that type of thinking to help people actually feel the full range of emotions again and not be so afraid of feeling sad or disappointed or embarrassed.
I hate that conservatives have latched onto social-emotional learning as a new thing to be against. One of the best things about my kiddos school is that they use RULER, a social-emotional curriculum from Yale. It really helped her understand and verbalize what she was experiencing emotionally, even at 5 and then they build on that foundation over time--adding skills and deeper understanding as kids get older. She's not afraid of her feelings and she can talk about them with complexity so then it's easier to identify how she wants to handle a situation or think through her experience.
I have so many thoughts...and some of them are not polite. I think you have done a beautiful job of challenging some of the main issues with the article. And my biggest concern with this as you said is the confusion and fear it creates for parents. It plays right into the fact that many parents have become frustrated with gentle parenting and it goes into a very different direction that is very unhelpful and potentially damaging for families.
I have not read this woman’s book or WSJ article, but it strikes me more than anything as a performance: “Look at me! I’m conservative!” And a ham-handed one at that. I mean, feelings are bad? Um…? Sounds like someone who enjoys thinking of herself as tough and no-nonsense, writing for other people who feel the same way and will read this book as a way to indulge in self-regard because it feels good.
Now I’m no clinical psychologist but my gut reaction is just NO. 🙅♀️
I haven't read the book, but I think your critique that she conceptualize the issue in binary terms is very much to the point. There are actually moments when labeling feelings doesn't work.
"you seem so sad'
"No I am not"
Well, if feeling sad has gotten a negative connotation then any self-respecting child will say no to that. And if a child feels that if you not respecting their autonomy, they will defensively say no.
But doesn't mean not to ask about feelings, it more a call to pay attention in talking to your child to what works and what doesn't and making adjustments accordingly.
Am I just repeating what you have said elsewhere?
Seeing as the only context in which I’ve seen anything about this book shared is by Moms For Liberty (who I follow only to know what nonsense they’re up to) that tells us everything we need to know. Thanks for calling her nonsense out in such an evidenced based manner!
Thank you for this! Restacking.
I have taught mindfulness to kids and built curricula around this for years. It unequivocally builds resilience, especially in very anxious children (including my own).
For older students (and adults), I’ve adapted Kristin Neff’s self compassion meditations, which have a strong research base. Tara Brach’s RAIN meditation has similar components. It is wild to me that someone would frame these as encouraging rumination without resolution. They are about moving through, not staying in, a feeling.
For my own child, we love reading The Color Monster and sorting feelings into colors (red for angry, blue for sad, and so on) when he’s visibly distressed or resisting an activity. His school social worker introduced this to several students and it’s been a hit. It is something he uses himself as needed or we use to respond to him, but not something we just quiz him on when he’s engaged in Legos or quietly riding home from school.
https://youtu.be/PWujGPb6mgo?feature=shared
TLDR: these things are tools. They are useful in context. No one is arguing that people who use these tools see them as a universal hammer and every parenting moment as a nail. Except people who need that disingenuous argument to exist for adult reasons that have little to do with our collective thriving.
Thank you for your work on this.
The most discouraging part about this is that, whether she believes everything she writes or not, she'll sell a ton of books b/c she's tapping into a certain zeitgeist. (Well, I guess that's not really the most discouraging part. The MOST discouraging part is that more kids will feel/learn they must repress their feelings)
Ugh, that is the worst! One of the best things we can do for kids (for people!) is be able to name and recognize our feelings. Building a feelings vocabulary, tuning into the nuance of different feelings all help us actually recognize that feelings are not constant states of being and do in fact change over time, which is so important for emotional regulation! I agree that setting up this false binary of either being overwhelmed by emotion or suppressing emotion--it leads to adults who only know how to feel anger or numb themselves. I have to undo years of that type of thinking to help people actually feel the full range of emotions again and not be so afraid of feeling sad or disappointed or embarrassed.
I hate that conservatives have latched onto social-emotional learning as a new thing to be against. One of the best things about my kiddos school is that they use RULER, a social-emotional curriculum from Yale. It really helped her understand and verbalize what she was experiencing emotionally, even at 5 and then they build on that foundation over time--adding skills and deeper understanding as kids get older. She's not afraid of her feelings and she can talk about them with complexity so then it's easier to identify how she wants to handle a situation or think through her experience.
Thank you for sticking to the science and carefully taking apart the article!
This is the woman who "Irreversible Damage." So, she's a bigot, too. No thanks!