My family of origin hasn’t had a strong Thanksgiving tradition for a long time, because a couple of the guys are hunters, and this week is the big week for that in Wisconsin. So I’ve come to savor the day with just my partner, and we’ve been figuring out our own traditions for the past few years. This year, I made a turkey-less dinner, and we watched a couple of movies, and it was just a delightful, calm day. I also worked in the morning; this is one of my favorite weeks of the year to write in peace while absolutely no one is emailing me or scheduling meetings.
This year, my family may have started a new tradition: We had a soup swap two weeks before Thanksgiving. So we were able to gather together over good food, but it was SO much less stressful and required less planning than a Thanksgiving meal for dozens of people. Highly recommend for anyone who wants to make the holidays easier, if your people are willing to let go of traditional expectations.
I like the soup swap idea! My cohousing community has a post-Thanksgiving pie breakfast tradition -- Friday morning everyone brings their leftover pie down to the common dining room and shares. That is also lovely.
On Wednesday night we had dinner with my husband’s side of the family- my husband and I bought a second house in our neighborhood about a month ago as a rental property that we decided to buy because our family needed help affording a decent place. My mother-in-law, his older sister, my two nieces (23 years old and 20 years old), and my older niece’s 2 month old baby David all live in the house (they are paying some rent). It was our first big family gathering since they moved in, and it was nice to see my mother-in-law and sister-in-law in hosting mode.
My husband, daughter, and I are adjusting to having my mother-in-law living down the street and not living with us anymore (she ended up using our guest bedroom for about 4 years before we moved her into this new house); I miss having her around every day even though we didn’t necessarily have lengthy conversations most days since I am not at my chattiest after work.
Our Wednesday night gathering was nice- my great nephew is the cutest baby, and so far he has been a good sleeper, so he was asleep in his bassinet for about half the time we were there. I enjoyed getting to see my husband’s 3 siblings and getting to catch up with his younger brother’s wife since we’ve always gotten along well.
I don’t cook for Thanksgiving (I am not a bad cook, but my husband cooks the majority of our weekday meals, so people tend not to ask me). My husband’s sister went to culinary school for a bit so she is an awesome cook, so she and my mother-in-law cooked the majority of the food. My sister-in-law made a couple dishes, and my daughter loved the banana pudding she made.
Yesterday we drove to SC so we could have a Thanksgiving meal in the afternoon with my side of the family which includes my mom’s dad, my dad’s mom and stepdad, my parents, my sister, her husband, her two sons, and my great uncle who lives across the creek near my grandpa. The food was amazing (my mom said her dad cooked for 3 days), and my contribution to cleaning up was to help my mom with the dishes by drying the dishes she hand-washed. My grandpa does a turkey roast instead of a whole turkey, and it was delicious!
As far as the kids went, they did okay (although of course the 5 year olds ate very little, my almost 8 year old nephew is the only one who eats much). My daughter went upstairs at one point after the meal for like an hour to go play by herself in the room we are staying in because sometimes she wants to play more quietly than how her cousins want to play since she’s used to being by herself at our house.
The only vaguely controversial topic of conversation that was brought up was mentioned by my grandparents (both my grandpas go to Methodist churches). They talked about who had been leaving their churches because of the Methodist split over LGBTQ issues. My grandpa said that due to their location in SC nothing in their individual church has really changed since his church decided to be on the side of supporting LGBTQ issues, but nonetheless there had been some members who decided to leave (my grandpa’s description was “okay if you want to leave, go ahead, bye!”)My great uncle expressed surprise that some of his friends had decided to go to a local Presbyterian church because of the controversy. And my grandma (who mostly goes to the Baptist church) said she hadn’t heard that there had been all that much change in attendance at the Methodist church where she sometimes attends with her husband.
Overall we had a decent time celebrating- my husband has to work on Saturday, so we are already heading home to NC this afternoon.
My son and I have COVID, so it was a smaller gathering than planned (my in/laws are elderly and at risk and live in an assisted living facility). Eating yesterday was a last-minute decision because I felt well enough when I woke. It was the most I’ve cooked in many years, but it was a nice meal. We missed seeing other family, but in some ways there was less stress because I didn’t have to play hostess while cooking. And we had far fewer dishes to do. It was a Plan B holiday that worked out well!
This was the first thanksgiving since my mother in law died in May. My husband and I (and my almost 2 year old) drove 7 hours to be with my father in law for a few days. My father in law drinks a lot and isn’t very easy to be around, but it was one of those things where we weren’t going to just leave him alone or make him do the drive by himself. It’s honestly very hard. My kid already broke a few Christmas decorations, my sister in law and her family didn’t come, I miss my very supportive and festive family, etc. My husband and I cooked a lot yesterday and were just totally wrung out by the end of the day.
I know we did the right thing by coming, we are able to help him with a bunch of stuff around the house and he appreciates us being here. I just wish that so much about this situation was different. I basically just keep telling myself that it’s not going to be like this forever, things will shift before long. I hope others had a better time!! Solidarity to those who are kind of going through it.
We had an overall chill and pretty good day considering the rainy, cold weather here meant we were inside all day with the 3.5-year-old. We were supposed to go to a neighbor's for dinner, but their baby came down with HFM, the poor things. They had already cooked everything so super kindly brought some of the food over for us and another family that was supposed to come that we're friends with. That family came over to our place instead and we ate together and our kids had a blast playing together. (This did involve them adding some "soap" to the laundry piled on our bed that did not turn out to be imaginary soap but some lotion on my bedside table. Honestly, I just laughed because preschoolers.) Now to figure out how to entertain the kiddo for the rest of the long weekend, ha.
This was my first Thanksgiving without my kid too. And the kicker is her birthday fell on Thanksgiving this year. I made it through the day without crying - and I would have cried shamelessly had I felt the need - but lots of melancholy feelings nonetheless. I’m grateful her dad let her FaceTime me twice (she’s still young enough to need help calling). I was surrounded by other loving family and friends and did more or less zero of the cooking or cleaning, which felt luxurious.
Oh that's hard, both the birthday AND Thanksgiving. Luxurious is a good word -- my day felt that way too, as I was home alone for most of it, cooking by myself, etc. But it certainly came with a side of big feelings! Sending hugs.
We’ve had a lot of serious, unrelenting, but non-life-threatening health stuff in our family since August. Plus, my dad visited in October and will again in December. We didn’t have the motivation or energy to do a holiday spread this month.
Instead, after we walked the dog, my spouse decided to burn off one of the brush and scrap wood piles in the back part of our backyard. The heavy rain/sleet meant we didn’t need a permit. We could just burn. I joined him about two hours in, and eventually our young teen kid did too. We threw in sodden limbs until dark. It was fun and beautiful, and still I couldn’t think or act my way out of the wall of anxiety and exhaustion and anger in my chest. I gave up trying and tried to soften around it instead. To make room. Results were mixed.
Later, my mom came upstairs from her jerry-rigged in-law apartment, and we all watched the last two episodes of Man on the Inside together. My mom is tiny right now after health-related weight loss. She wore her slippers, coat, and hat. She snuggled up next to me (who runs hot) and let the grandkid snuggle up to her and give her kisses. It was lovely, with the rage and grief and anxiety watching too.
Our kid couldn’t sleep that night. They came to our bed and said, “Mom, I think I need to be next to you. It relaxes me.” This, of course, after I was impatient and high-strung earlier and snapped at them to get out of my literal face while I did my PT exercises.
We made room and arranged the pillow barriers that make co-sleep slightly more bearable. Sometimes a kid just needs to be in the warmth and weight of their people. When the light was out, I reached over and squeezed their impossibly big young teen hand. They held my hand, then we let go. By and by the kid and spouse and anxiety and anger and grief and I and the dog in the living room fell asleep, for me a light and rigid sleep, but sleep.
This morning we sit together at the old kitchen table with our devices. I release a pipkin of pressure writing a too-long, dear-lord-who-cares comment. Spouse reads news. Kid plays Minecraft while wearing headphones and hums to the music, partly to annoy me after asking them to wear headphones and partly because they like to make noise. Soon, luck be with me, I’ll walk a long time. Stretch. More luck, I will write, maybe go to the coffeeshop. Maybe the day will roll in a soft easy line.
Later, in the dark, we will play night bocce with light-up bocce balls. I will be grateful. I am.
Oh gosh this: "Sometimes a kid just needs to be in the warmth and weight of their people." Since our separation, this is very much my 10-year-old. She loooooves to snuggle.
It sounds like you've had a really tough few months, Becky. Thanks for sharing (and also, you're a beautiful writer). Enjoy the night bocce, that sounds so fun!
Thanks so much for creating a smart kind space for folks to let off steam. I hope today’s multi-article efforts felt good; lucky us who get to read them by and by. 💗
We live at least two time zones away from all family. We traveled a few times in the past but now we own a store, so the day is about charging our batteries for Black Friday. It’s just the three of us and we watch the annual MST3K marathon and have a simplified traditional meal and go to bed early. It’s really nice. Especially knowing how many families are dragging their kids around the state to multiple meals and still not making anyone happy.
The 2018 Grinch is my kid’s favorite too! We watched it a LOT from January-March 2020. I agree with my sister the actual Thanksgiving meal was fairly low key. I tend to get very hot at my grandpa’s house because he keeps it at 75 degrees and I joined my dad and husband with the kids at the church playground after helping clean up after the meal. I had a nice moment with my 5 yo at the gravesite for my uncle, grandma, and great grandma- my great grandpa is also buried there but he died in 1955 when my grandpa was only 20 years old and he doesn’t really talk about him. My great grandma died when I was a senior in HS about a month after her 90th birthday.
After we got back from the playground my kids were putting together these foam house sets they my mom gave them as gifts- my 5 yo had a Spidey Team one, almost 8 yo had a Encanto one. 5 yo was getting increasingly frustrated, and my husband was sitting with him but I think he missed the early dysregulation cues. I walked in when it had already escalated into screaming but it was a fairly low level meltdown and I removed him to the guest room and turned out the lights. My husband talked to me briefly and I said I thought he missed the early cues.
I was talking to my sister in the kitchen about her thoughts on dealing with my 5 yo because she works in childcare and I get very triggered by the yelling. Her husband walked in during the middle of my activated state to make some comment about “raising a man who isn’t aggressive”and I yelled him not to talk to me and told him I didn’t want parenting advice from him. I know he thought he was being helpful but I was in the middle of venting to her and I didn’t feel like talking to a non safe person for me.
My husband and I have an ongoing dispute about how to de-escalate my kid’s screechy behavior- I mostly think it’s better to be as quiet as possible and present for him but he thinks that silence is silent approval where we are “letting him think his yelling is appropriate behavior.” my husband had already removed himself from the conversation, but I was still triggered. I don’t feel my BIL is good at reading the room. I already feel on guard in his presence because he’s a Trump supporter, generally has a more compliance based type of parenting style than me and I don’t engage with him much to try to protect my peace.
This was also the first Thanksgiving post-separation for me and I spent it with my ex, two kids, and my parents. Still getting used to the new dynamics. It was cordial but felt sad to me. The kids had a good time. I worry about how to handle future holidays as I have a new partner and it’s tough thinking how kids will split their time. As time passes, I hope to figure out a new set of holiday traditions in my new life so that we all feel grounded.
We had an unexpectedly nice Thanksgiving. We were at my husband's cousin's house, and his wife (who I'd refer to as my sister-in-law; my husband and his cousin really are like brothers) died last month and her family was also there, and it was just kind of an open question how it would go without her as the connector and host -- she was an amazing host, just open and generous and always calm in the midst of chaos. For that matter the food was an open question, since planning and communication definitely fell off.
But it was nice! Not as chaotic as we'd feared in all sorts of ways. The food was fine. Everyone was relaxed and most were cheerful. I had a lovely talk with my sister-in-law's niece, who is a midwife. My remaining sister-in-law tried to get everyone to go around and say what they were thankful for but her husband shut it down without any conflict. I think one of our nieces was having a tough day, unsurprisingly, but neither of them seemed to be struggling too too much. One of them has a great strategy for handling big family gatherings where she wants to be present but avoid too many awkward interactions with well-meaning adults: she sits at the edge of the living room doing jigsaw puzzles. On Thursday she finished a 1,000 piece one we'd given her last Saturday. I think of everyone my kid had the least fun day, but honestly since his aunt's final illness and death he has gotten used to spending chunks of time in their basement with a screen and a book and alternating between the two and occasionally coming upstairs and socializing mostly with his cousins (who are several years older than him and extremely kind to him but we are not asking them to dedicate too much time to entertaining him under the circumstances). I brought him home early, so I missed the part of the evening where my sister-in-law's sister-in-law mixed up my mother-in-law and my husband's aunt, the latter of whom she's known for probably close to a decade and they look absolutely nothing alike but they *are* both Indian women in their 70s.
Oh my goodness— what a day!! I’m glad it went ok. Do you kind of wish you’d been there for the sister-in-law’s sister-in-law’s gaffe, or better to have missed it?
I was worried about how much screen time my kindergartner was having in the first half of the day, but (1) that included going to see Moana 2 with the grandparents (verdict: scarier than the first one, still liked it) and (2) kiddo had the time of her life with three of her cousins who she one sees once a year, and played for four hours with almost no requests to me except whether she could have seconds/thirds of apple pie! A huge success!
Six years ago we started an unintentional tradition of taking vacation over Thanksgiving, which usually overlaps with our youngest son’s birthday. The year he turned 8 on Thanksgiving we went to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. This year we are in Hawaii and did a luau instead of Thanksgiving dinner. One year we spent in Florida with my mom and my sister’s family on an island off the Gulf coast.
In a few years I expect kid schedules will overtake this tradition, but we are enjoying it while it lasts. Maybe we’ll resume it when they’re older, maybe they won’t want to. What I love is realizing that traditions can come and go, and maybe come back depending on what makes sense for your family at any given point in time.
Our Thanksgiving was kinda low-key but also kind of a slog? We ended up hosting but just my MIL and an elderly neighbor. Last Thanksgiving my husband's dad died a few days before Thanksgiving so this was the first real Thanksgiving without him and my husband's sister went to the other side of the country to be with her grownish kids. So my MIL and elderly neighbor had kind of a complain-off, which is awkward to sit through--somehow including the gem of my MIL announcing that she started a 529 college savings account for my daughter but she's actually not going to put more money in it because her will and estate will really be her college money since she'll probably be dead by the time my daughter graduates from high school (in 6 years) so....yeah That was a weird moment.
I did the majority of the cooking but I truly didn't mind because after years of being a guest at their family's t'day dinners, I could make my preferred dishes. My daughter made the chocolate mousse pie which was great and she and my husband did all the table setting and cleaning so it worked out fine.
My family of origin hasn’t had a strong Thanksgiving tradition for a long time, because a couple of the guys are hunters, and this week is the big week for that in Wisconsin. So I’ve come to savor the day with just my partner, and we’ve been figuring out our own traditions for the past few years. This year, I made a turkey-less dinner, and we watched a couple of movies, and it was just a delightful, calm day. I also worked in the morning; this is one of my favorite weeks of the year to write in peace while absolutely no one is emailing me or scheduling meetings.
This year, my family may have started a new tradition: We had a soup swap two weeks before Thanksgiving. So we were able to gather together over good food, but it was SO much less stressful and required less planning than a Thanksgiving meal for dozens of people. Highly recommend for anyone who wants to make the holidays easier, if your people are willing to let go of traditional expectations.
I love the soup swap idea!!!!
I like the soup swap idea! My cohousing community has a post-Thanksgiving pie breakfast tradition -- Friday morning everyone brings their leftover pie down to the common dining room and shares. That is also lovely.
stealing the soup swap idea!
On Wednesday night we had dinner with my husband’s side of the family- my husband and I bought a second house in our neighborhood about a month ago as a rental property that we decided to buy because our family needed help affording a decent place. My mother-in-law, his older sister, my two nieces (23 years old and 20 years old), and my older niece’s 2 month old baby David all live in the house (they are paying some rent). It was our first big family gathering since they moved in, and it was nice to see my mother-in-law and sister-in-law in hosting mode.
My husband, daughter, and I are adjusting to having my mother-in-law living down the street and not living with us anymore (she ended up using our guest bedroom for about 4 years before we moved her into this new house); I miss having her around every day even though we didn’t necessarily have lengthy conversations most days since I am not at my chattiest after work.
Our Wednesday night gathering was nice- my great nephew is the cutest baby, and so far he has been a good sleeper, so he was asleep in his bassinet for about half the time we were there. I enjoyed getting to see my husband’s 3 siblings and getting to catch up with his younger brother’s wife since we’ve always gotten along well.
I don’t cook for Thanksgiving (I am not a bad cook, but my husband cooks the majority of our weekday meals, so people tend not to ask me). My husband’s sister went to culinary school for a bit so she is an awesome cook, so she and my mother-in-law cooked the majority of the food. My sister-in-law made a couple dishes, and my daughter loved the banana pudding she made.
Yesterday we drove to SC so we could have a Thanksgiving meal in the afternoon with my side of the family which includes my mom’s dad, my dad’s mom and stepdad, my parents, my sister, her husband, her two sons, and my great uncle who lives across the creek near my grandpa. The food was amazing (my mom said her dad cooked for 3 days), and my contribution to cleaning up was to help my mom with the dishes by drying the dishes she hand-washed. My grandpa does a turkey roast instead of a whole turkey, and it was delicious!
As far as the kids went, they did okay (although of course the 5 year olds ate very little, my almost 8 year old nephew is the only one who eats much). My daughter went upstairs at one point after the meal for like an hour to go play by herself in the room we are staying in because sometimes she wants to play more quietly than how her cousins want to play since she’s used to being by herself at our house.
The only vaguely controversial topic of conversation that was brought up was mentioned by my grandparents (both my grandpas go to Methodist churches). They talked about who had been leaving their churches because of the Methodist split over LGBTQ issues. My grandpa said that due to their location in SC nothing in their individual church has really changed since his church decided to be on the side of supporting LGBTQ issues, but nonetheless there had been some members who decided to leave (my grandpa’s description was “okay if you want to leave, go ahead, bye!”)My great uncle expressed surprise that some of his friends had decided to go to a local Presbyterian church because of the controversy. And my grandma (who mostly goes to the Baptist church) said she hadn’t heard that there had been all that much change in attendance at the Methodist church where she sometimes attends with her husband.
Overall we had a decent time celebrating- my husband has to work on Saturday, so we are already heading home to NC this afternoon.
My son and I have COVID, so it was a smaller gathering than planned (my in/laws are elderly and at risk and live in an assisted living facility). Eating yesterday was a last-minute decision because I felt well enough when I woke. It was the most I’ve cooked in many years, but it was a nice meal. We missed seeing other family, but in some ways there was less stress because I didn’t have to play hostess while cooking. And we had far fewer dishes to do. It was a Plan B holiday that worked out well!
I'm glad you were able to enjoy the day -- hope you feel better soon!
This was the first thanksgiving since my mother in law died in May. My husband and I (and my almost 2 year old) drove 7 hours to be with my father in law for a few days. My father in law drinks a lot and isn’t very easy to be around, but it was one of those things where we weren’t going to just leave him alone or make him do the drive by himself. It’s honestly very hard. My kid already broke a few Christmas decorations, my sister in law and her family didn’t come, I miss my very supportive and festive family, etc. My husband and I cooked a lot yesterday and were just totally wrung out by the end of the day.
I know we did the right thing by coming, we are able to help him with a bunch of stuff around the house and he appreciates us being here. I just wish that so much about this situation was different. I basically just keep telling myself that it’s not going to be like this forever, things will shift before long. I hope others had a better time!! Solidarity to those who are kind of going through it.
This sounds so hard, I'm sorry. I hope it gets easier soon. I'm sure your visit meant a lot to your father-in-law!
We had an overall chill and pretty good day considering the rainy, cold weather here meant we were inside all day with the 3.5-year-old. We were supposed to go to a neighbor's for dinner, but their baby came down with HFM, the poor things. They had already cooked everything so super kindly brought some of the food over for us and another family that was supposed to come that we're friends with. That family came over to our place instead and we ate together and our kids had a blast playing together. (This did involve them adding some "soap" to the laundry piled on our bed that did not turn out to be imaginary soap but some lotion on my bedside table. Honestly, I just laughed because preschoolers.) Now to figure out how to entertain the kiddo for the rest of the long weekend, ha.
Sounds like a fun day! LOL to the lotion "soap."
This was my first Thanksgiving without my kid too. And the kicker is her birthday fell on Thanksgiving this year. I made it through the day without crying - and I would have cried shamelessly had I felt the need - but lots of melancholy feelings nonetheless. I’m grateful her dad let her FaceTime me twice (she’s still young enough to need help calling). I was surrounded by other loving family and friends and did more or less zero of the cooking or cleaning, which felt luxurious.
Oh that's hard, both the birthday AND Thanksgiving. Luxurious is a good word -- my day felt that way too, as I was home alone for most of it, cooking by myself, etc. But it certainly came with a side of big feelings! Sending hugs.
We’ve had a lot of serious, unrelenting, but non-life-threatening health stuff in our family since August. Plus, my dad visited in October and will again in December. We didn’t have the motivation or energy to do a holiday spread this month.
Instead, after we walked the dog, my spouse decided to burn off one of the brush and scrap wood piles in the back part of our backyard. The heavy rain/sleet meant we didn’t need a permit. We could just burn. I joined him about two hours in, and eventually our young teen kid did too. We threw in sodden limbs until dark. It was fun and beautiful, and still I couldn’t think or act my way out of the wall of anxiety and exhaustion and anger in my chest. I gave up trying and tried to soften around it instead. To make room. Results were mixed.
Later, my mom came upstairs from her jerry-rigged in-law apartment, and we all watched the last two episodes of Man on the Inside together. My mom is tiny right now after health-related weight loss. She wore her slippers, coat, and hat. She snuggled up next to me (who runs hot) and let the grandkid snuggle up to her and give her kisses. It was lovely, with the rage and grief and anxiety watching too.
Our kid couldn’t sleep that night. They came to our bed and said, “Mom, I think I need to be next to you. It relaxes me.” This, of course, after I was impatient and high-strung earlier and snapped at them to get out of my literal face while I did my PT exercises.
We made room and arranged the pillow barriers that make co-sleep slightly more bearable. Sometimes a kid just needs to be in the warmth and weight of their people. When the light was out, I reached over and squeezed their impossibly big young teen hand. They held my hand, then we let go. By and by the kid and spouse and anxiety and anger and grief and I and the dog in the living room fell asleep, for me a light and rigid sleep, but sleep.
This morning we sit together at the old kitchen table with our devices. I release a pipkin of pressure writing a too-long, dear-lord-who-cares comment. Spouse reads news. Kid plays Minecraft while wearing headphones and hums to the music, partly to annoy me after asking them to wear headphones and partly because they like to make noise. Soon, luck be with me, I’ll walk a long time. Stretch. More luck, I will write, maybe go to the coffeeshop. Maybe the day will roll in a soft easy line.
Later, in the dark, we will play night bocce with light-up bocce balls. I will be grateful. I am.
Oh gosh this: "Sometimes a kid just needs to be in the warmth and weight of their people." Since our separation, this is very much my 10-year-old. She loooooves to snuggle.
It sounds like you've had a really tough few months, Becky. Thanks for sharing (and also, you're a beautiful writer). Enjoy the night bocce, that sounds so fun!
Thanks so much for creating a smart kind space for folks to let off steam. I hope today’s multi-article efforts felt good; lucky us who get to read them by and by. 💗
I loved reading this. Keep writing.
Got myself to the coffeeshop! Hope it’s a good day for you, Annette.🤗
We live at least two time zones away from all family. We traveled a few times in the past but now we own a store, so the day is about charging our batteries for Black Friday. It’s just the three of us and we watch the annual MST3K marathon and have a simplified traditional meal and go to bed early. It’s really nice. Especially knowing how many families are dragging their kids around the state to multiple meals and still not making anyone happy.
The 2018 Grinch is my kid’s favorite too! We watched it a LOT from January-March 2020. I agree with my sister the actual Thanksgiving meal was fairly low key. I tend to get very hot at my grandpa’s house because he keeps it at 75 degrees and I joined my dad and husband with the kids at the church playground after helping clean up after the meal. I had a nice moment with my 5 yo at the gravesite for my uncle, grandma, and great grandma- my great grandpa is also buried there but he died in 1955 when my grandpa was only 20 years old and he doesn’t really talk about him. My great grandma died when I was a senior in HS about a month after her 90th birthday.
After we got back from the playground my kids were putting together these foam house sets they my mom gave them as gifts- my 5 yo had a Spidey Team one, almost 8 yo had a Encanto one. 5 yo was getting increasingly frustrated, and my husband was sitting with him but I think he missed the early dysregulation cues. I walked in when it had already escalated into screaming but it was a fairly low level meltdown and I removed him to the guest room and turned out the lights. My husband talked to me briefly and I said I thought he missed the early cues.
I was talking to my sister in the kitchen about her thoughts on dealing with my 5 yo because she works in childcare and I get very triggered by the yelling. Her husband walked in during the middle of my activated state to make some comment about “raising a man who isn’t aggressive”and I yelled him not to talk to me and told him I didn’t want parenting advice from him. I know he thought he was being helpful but I was in the middle of venting to her and I didn’t feel like talking to a non safe person for me.
My husband and I have an ongoing dispute about how to de-escalate my kid’s screechy behavior- I mostly think it’s better to be as quiet as possible and present for him but he thinks that silence is silent approval where we are “letting him think his yelling is appropriate behavior.” my husband had already removed himself from the conversation, but I was still triggered. I don’t feel my BIL is good at reading the room. I already feel on guard in his presence because he’s a Trump supporter, generally has a more compliance based type of parenting style than me and I don’t engage with him much to try to protect my peace.
This was also the first Thanksgiving post-separation for me and I spent it with my ex, two kids, and my parents. Still getting used to the new dynamics. It was cordial but felt sad to me. The kids had a good time. I worry about how to handle future holidays as I have a new partner and it’s tough thinking how kids will split their time. As time passes, I hope to figure out a new set of holiday traditions in my new life so that we all feel grounded.
We had an unexpectedly nice Thanksgiving. We were at my husband's cousin's house, and his wife (who I'd refer to as my sister-in-law; my husband and his cousin really are like brothers) died last month and her family was also there, and it was just kind of an open question how it would go without her as the connector and host -- she was an amazing host, just open and generous and always calm in the midst of chaos. For that matter the food was an open question, since planning and communication definitely fell off.
But it was nice! Not as chaotic as we'd feared in all sorts of ways. The food was fine. Everyone was relaxed and most were cheerful. I had a lovely talk with my sister-in-law's niece, who is a midwife. My remaining sister-in-law tried to get everyone to go around and say what they were thankful for but her husband shut it down without any conflict. I think one of our nieces was having a tough day, unsurprisingly, but neither of them seemed to be struggling too too much. One of them has a great strategy for handling big family gatherings where she wants to be present but avoid too many awkward interactions with well-meaning adults: she sits at the edge of the living room doing jigsaw puzzles. On Thursday she finished a 1,000 piece one we'd given her last Saturday. I think of everyone my kid had the least fun day, but honestly since his aunt's final illness and death he has gotten used to spending chunks of time in their basement with a screen and a book and alternating between the two and occasionally coming upstairs and socializing mostly with his cousins (who are several years older than him and extremely kind to him but we are not asking them to dedicate too much time to entertaining him under the circumstances). I brought him home early, so I missed the part of the evening where my sister-in-law's sister-in-law mixed up my mother-in-law and my husband's aunt, the latter of whom she's known for probably close to a decade and they look absolutely nothing alike but they *are* both Indian women in their 70s.
Oh my goodness— what a day!! I’m glad it went ok. Do you kind of wish you’d been there for the sister-in-law’s sister-in-law’s gaffe, or better to have missed it?
I was worried about how much screen time my kindergartner was having in the first half of the day, but (1) that included going to see Moana 2 with the grandparents (verdict: scarier than the first one, still liked it) and (2) kiddo had the time of her life with three of her cousins who she one sees once a year, and played for four hours with almost no requests to me except whether she could have seconds/thirds of apple pie! A huge success!
Six years ago we started an unintentional tradition of taking vacation over Thanksgiving, which usually overlaps with our youngest son’s birthday. The year he turned 8 on Thanksgiving we went to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. This year we are in Hawaii and did a luau instead of Thanksgiving dinner. One year we spent in Florida with my mom and my sister’s family on an island off the Gulf coast.
In a few years I expect kid schedules will overtake this tradition, but we are enjoying it while it lasts. Maybe we’ll resume it when they’re older, maybe they won’t want to. What I love is realizing that traditions can come and go, and maybe come back depending on what makes sense for your family at any given point in time.
Our Thanksgiving was kinda low-key but also kind of a slog? We ended up hosting but just my MIL and an elderly neighbor. Last Thanksgiving my husband's dad died a few days before Thanksgiving so this was the first real Thanksgiving without him and my husband's sister went to the other side of the country to be with her grownish kids. So my MIL and elderly neighbor had kind of a complain-off, which is awkward to sit through--somehow including the gem of my MIL announcing that she started a 529 college savings account for my daughter but she's actually not going to put more money in it because her will and estate will really be her college money since she'll probably be dead by the time my daughter graduates from high school (in 6 years) so....yeah That was a weird moment.
I did the majority of the cooking but I truly didn't mind because after years of being a guest at their family's t'day dinners, I could make my preferred dishes. My daughter made the chocolate mousse pie which was great and she and my husband did all the table setting and cleaning so it worked out fine.