Thank you for this excellent piece digging into the research Brooks cites! Even though Brooks has tried to create distance between his time at AEI (where he held a very prominent leadership position in the modern conservative moment) and his current stint as happiness expert for the Atlantic/at Harvard, I have long held that his current writing is just a repackaging of conservative ideology into happiness/wellness nonsense (his piece on equality in marriage is another great example). For ex, the idea that nature matters more than nurture is also often used to justify the existence of inequality and the lack of public investment in a host of social welfare programs.
I thought your critique was incisive. I think your musing about gender raises a broader point about how we understand children and parenting. Our vision of children is influenced by how we encounter them and each vantage point has strengths and weaknesses. A pediatrician has the benefit of seeing children from birth to college, but that vision is a collection of brief snapshots from short encounters.
A teacher has the benefit of seeing a large group of same age children, but doesn't have the benefit of knowing as well the child as an individual. A therapist may know the child well as an individual but doesn't necessarily see them in a larger context. A parent will know their child the best, but may not have the perspective from knowing other children. And of course, the amount you are involved in parenting also influences your vantage point. So this is long winded of saying-let be conscious of the vantage point from which we speak about children. And if you haven't really put in the time taking care of children, please note the limitations of your perspective.
This was a wonderful critique of some very specious claims. Amazing how those who preach the virtues of generosity in relationships tend to be the people who expect to be on the RECEIVING end of that generosity.
It’s almost like when you’re a white man, you don’t have to think about the importance of explicitly teaching consent or antiracism to your children, which absolutely require parental labor from an early age, because the failure of other parents to teach this has never directly impacted *your* safety or ability to thrive in the world. Thanks for taking this on. I like some of his other stuff but his recent work has made me want to pull my hair out a little.
Love how you pull apart the studies, as always! Thank you!
particularly love your conclusion:
“Mistakes are opportunities for growth and education. When we screw up, we teach our kids many important things. We teach them that all humans are works in progress and that we should strive to learn and grow throughout our lives. We model for them how to apologize, be humble, and take responsibility for our actions. We teach them that life is often more complex and messy and beautiful than we expect it to be — and that, I believe, is a good thing.”
In my experience, it’s comforting to know that other people (not just parents) can teach these lessons, and that kids/people keep learning, growing and changing as they get older. In other words, you’re not stuck with your parents parenting and your kids aren’t stuck with yours.
My parents didn’t teach this beautiful kind of acceptance and complexity, but as an adult I’ve had help unlearning and re-learning these lessons in other ways and from other important people in my life. This lifelong learning helps my parenting mistakes feel a little less high stakes. And hopefully gives my kids the kind of parenting experience you describe!
I think the role of the community should be considered too. I wonder if there is something uniquely important about the parenting relationship (I suspect there is) but outside forces come from a lot of different angles. The world is larger than us, their parents.
I find it so off putting that someone would think the purpose of parenting is to shape a child's personality. Yuck! Beyond your excellent points about instilling values and prosocial behaviors, the purpose of parenting is to help a child learn to navigate the world with their unique personality, assets, and challenges.
New subscriber here. I have three adult children––36, 33, and 30. Great essay.
First, common sense and observation lead me to conclude that of course what you do as a parent matters a great deal.
Second, all parents will make mistakes. What I've found is that if I admit to the mistake readily, they become in time among the most precious and funny of family legends. My 36 year old daughter has a running list of parental mistakes beginning with the time when we thought it was a good idea to send her down a scary flume ride at the age of three.
Mistakes are also an opportunity for bonding through humor.
Thank you for this excellent piece digging into the research Brooks cites! Even though Brooks has tried to create distance between his time at AEI (where he held a very prominent leadership position in the modern conservative moment) and his current stint as happiness expert for the Atlantic/at Harvard, I have long held that his current writing is just a repackaging of conservative ideology into happiness/wellness nonsense (his piece on equality in marriage is another great example). For ex, the idea that nature matters more than nurture is also often used to justify the existence of inequality and the lack of public investment in a host of social welfare programs.
I thought your critique was incisive. I think your musing about gender raises a broader point about how we understand children and parenting. Our vision of children is influenced by how we encounter them and each vantage point has strengths and weaknesses. A pediatrician has the benefit of seeing children from birth to college, but that vision is a collection of brief snapshots from short encounters.
A teacher has the benefit of seeing a large group of same age children, but doesn't have the benefit of knowing as well the child as an individual. A therapist may know the child well as an individual but doesn't necessarily see them in a larger context. A parent will know their child the best, but may not have the perspective from knowing other children. And of course, the amount you are involved in parenting also influences your vantage point. So this is long winded of saying-let be conscious of the vantage point from which we speak about children. And if you haven't really put in the time taking care of children, please note the limitations of your perspective.
This was a wonderful critique of some very specious claims. Amazing how those who preach the virtues of generosity in relationships tend to be the people who expect to be on the RECEIVING end of that generosity.
It’s almost like when you’re a white man, you don’t have to think about the importance of explicitly teaching consent or antiracism to your children, which absolutely require parental labor from an early age, because the failure of other parents to teach this has never directly impacted *your* safety or ability to thrive in the world. Thanks for taking this on. I like some of his other stuff but his recent work has made me want to pull my hair out a little.
Love how you pull apart the studies, as always! Thank you!
particularly love your conclusion:
“Mistakes are opportunities for growth and education. When we screw up, we teach our kids many important things. We teach them that all humans are works in progress and that we should strive to learn and grow throughout our lives. We model for them how to apologize, be humble, and take responsibility for our actions. We teach them that life is often more complex and messy and beautiful than we expect it to be — and that, I believe, is a good thing.”
In my experience, it’s comforting to know that other people (not just parents) can teach these lessons, and that kids/people keep learning, growing and changing as they get older. In other words, you’re not stuck with your parents parenting and your kids aren’t stuck with yours.
My parents didn’t teach this beautiful kind of acceptance and complexity, but as an adult I’ve had help unlearning and re-learning these lessons in other ways and from other important people in my life. This lifelong learning helps my parenting mistakes feel a little less high stakes. And hopefully gives my kids the kind of parenting experience you describe!
I think the role of the community should be considered too. I wonder if there is something uniquely important about the parenting relationship (I suspect there is) but outside forces come from a lot of different angles. The world is larger than us, their parents.
Your point about his argument undermining women’s labor and care work 🔥🔥🔥
I find it so off putting that someone would think the purpose of parenting is to shape a child's personality. Yuck! Beyond your excellent points about instilling values and prosocial behaviors, the purpose of parenting is to help a child learn to navigate the world with their unique personality, assets, and challenges.
New subscriber here. I have three adult children––36, 33, and 30. Great essay.
First, common sense and observation lead me to conclude that of course what you do as a parent matters a great deal.
Second, all parents will make mistakes. What I've found is that if I admit to the mistake readily, they become in time among the most precious and funny of family legends. My 36 year old daughter has a running list of parental mistakes beginning with the time when we thought it was a good idea to send her down a scary flume ride at the age of three.
Mistakes are also an opportunity for bonding through humor.