I knew I didn’t want to stay at home with my daughter. I would’ve liked a slightly longer maternity leave (I only took 10 weeks of unpaid leave, and my husband had paid leave and stayed with our daughter 4 more weeks after I went back to work before she started coming with me to the same school I work at; at the time I worked with 2-3 year olds). I wanted a little more leave because although he was home during the day he worked off duty from like 10 pm-3 am a lot which meant I was getting up at night with her and no longer had the ability to take a short nap during the day like I had during leave. My pumping schedule also didn’t work as well as I wanted to at work and we quickly had to switch to combo feeding because I didn’t get anything close to enough pumped for a whole day.
I’ve been an infant teacher since 2021 and I’ve gotten rude questions from people (one when my mom and I were on a pontoon boat at the lake near their house with some neighbors) about why would people want to pay so much money for their infant to be in daycare to hang out with me and a coteacher when we’re caring for usually 7-8 babies altogether and can’t dedicate as much time to each baby. I always answer that I love taking care of babies, and yes, it is a completely different experience than caring for one or two babies, but group care is something that is necessary to provide cost effective care (still usually much cheaper than a nanny), and we do the best we can and strive to keep all the babies as close to the schedule that is best for them as possible. High quality daycare is a huge privilege, and I have felt extremely appreciated by the parents whose children I care for; I am also grateful my daughter has been well cared for at my same center (she started in February of 2020, and she’s in her final year of preK- she has an October birthday so she is starting kindergarten this August).
I have endless gratitude for the daycare teachers who watched my kids and, quite honestly, saved my sanity. My kids both thrived in daycare and we made friends with other families who became our community and support system.
I recently watched this movie, too, and it totally resonated with me and how I felt as a new mother -- especially the desire to be home and present with my kids but also the longing to do more than be a caretaker all day long. Two things nagged at me, though -- one, the slam on "the horrible ladies at daycare" (or something like that) as well as the general, mostly unexamined notion that every single aspect of a child's wellbeing hinges on having the undivided attention of a (probably female) caregiver who is a member of your nuclear family. Centuries of humans were raised outside of these conditions and the species survived. Also, it's not unreasonable to tell your two year old that they can't fingerpaint on the kitchen walls. Why make things so hard for yourself, Mother? It's okay to say no! ;)
I haven’t seen the movie, but in the book (which was a good read!) the finger painting is something she allows because SHE wants it. The book is very much about art and the female artist, what’s given up in caretaking and how the protagonist reconnects with her artistic self. {editing to add: this is how I remember the scene, that it was layered, and she took inspiration from the finger paint; I could be projecting too. 😊}
But hard agree—only let your kid finger paint the walls if that’s something you’re okay with. lol
Very good point! I could see that scene being rendered with many more layers in the book. As a viewer (and a control freak), I was mostly thinking about how much time it would take to clean up that mess!!!
Lol. This is me to a tee! I'm the mom that really is too type A for art projects so we just don't do them. At first I felt guilty but now I know that the kids have plenty of creative outlets at school and it's better for me to engage with them on things I enjoy. Our little humans are sponges and can pick up on that anxious energy.
Totally agree - the fingerpainting scene was the ONE time she said no to her kid in the movie, and then she didn't follow through.... sigh. I noticed that it was the dad who made the comment about the daycare ladies, which I thought further emphasized the point that he was putting pressure on her to stay home all along. I'd have to watch the scene again, but I got the sense she was going along with what he said in the moment but perhaps didn't totally agree.
As for your point about intensive mothering - YES. I talk a lot here about the pressure on mothers to always be present and involved and how that's not actually good for anyone (including kids). I actually really liked that aspect of the movie, though, because it feels pretty realistic (even if I wish it weren't so). Most mothers today still feel that this is what they must do, because that's what the culture of intensive parenting tells them. And I like that, as the movie progresses, i feel we see her recognize that she maybe doesn't need to only exist in this mother role and can take some time and space for herself, too.
I’m in the thick of these years, and felt so seen by these words:
“I felt constantly bored, too, as well as angry and guilty. I missed working, and I resented that my husband got to go off into the world every day and engage with adults about interesting things while I read Chicka Chicka Boom Boom over and over and over again. Yet at the same time, I felt terrible that I wasn’t enjoying being a mother as much as I thought I would. Lather, rinse, repeat.”
I’ve turned toward that bored-angry-guilty cycle many times, both in meditation and when sitting hunched on a tiny chair with Legos or Playdoh or kinetic sand in my hand. I don’t really have a solution for it. There’s a concept in Buddhism called “having ill will towards your ill will” and I feel like that sort of nails the vibe for me. There’s so much of that in motherhood. No wonder we all feel a bit wolfy as a result.
There is a modern mom norm of ‘playing’ with your kid that really amps up the boredom and anger for a lot of people. Speaking as a professional playworker, parents (especially stay at home parents) should feel free to NOT play with their kids. (It’s good for them! I swear!) They can learn to play alone in a safe space, even right beside you. Maybe send them outside if it’s safe, let them participate in adult housework and chores. Adults playing when they don’t want to play is not fun or helpful for anyone.
The one kind of adult work that’s really hard to do in this way is “thought work”—like writing or art or things on the computer. (Which is a lot of modern adult work.) You often need alone time for that, which is impossible to get without childcare help.
100%. I think you and I have moved in the same circles -- I helped launch Tinkergarten in BK way back when -- and I felt great about the fact that I was paid well to help facilitate kids' play in the park while caregivers got a break. Even more so now that I'm a parent myself. My own kid has reached an age where he's just as happy to help me do the laundry as he is to be a robot, and I could not be happier about it! But I sorely missed having my own time to meditate and write over this break, as you say. Even activities that feel delightful in small doses can be boring if you have too much of a good thing, and I think it's naming that piece -- this is too much of a good thing! -- that brings up the guilt, because there's gratitude there too.
Hi Ryan. Tinkergarten!! Such great invitations for playing outside.
Totally agree about moderation, even for good things. 😊
There are so many ways to be playful, warm, and connected without “sitting down to play” or doing things that are just for kids. And parents can really only tap into their playfulness when they have what they need for their own care.
Thank goodness, because I super love reading a book on the couch while my kiddo plays next to me, occasionally involving me in a game of funny faces toddler fetch (making funny faces while playing fetch with your toddler)
Performative motherhood is huge where I live (Switzerland, a rich country where everything is performative, more or less), and it is a performance that really kicks into high gear at school age. There are no "all-day" public schools and the schedule is different each day. The one constant is a 1.5 hour lunch break where the kids are expected TO GO HOME FOR A COOKED MEAL. No school cafeteria. Through the ninth grade.
Through a mix of town "lunch tables" (available 2x weekly for the neglected kids who have no mom or grandma at home), three years of private day school (!), a brief bout of unemployment (mine), and Covid home office rules (my husband), we somehow managed.
The baby and toddler years were a dream in comparison, since (private, expensive) daycare covered 7.30 am to 6:30 pm, meals included. I had six months paid leave, which was awesome and I was totally ready to go back and talk to adults about something other than diapers and sleep patterns. My husband and I were fortunate enough to afford a 20% family pay cut and both reduced our work to 80% over four days. The boy had three days with his peers, one with me, and one Daddy day.
We were blessed with the easiest baby in the world: our son was happy, healthy, slept, ate, and was totally fun to be with. Other performative mothers hated us from the get-go, because we did not have to perform. This came home to roost when a network would have been helpful (lunch dates? please? anyone?) and we were left out of the loop because I didn't show up randomly during the school day with homemade muffins.
Our son is now 18, still in school (because the four years of college prep after ninth grade are not required and available only to those who excel academically, ehmm, fit in-- don't get me started), and currently on his foreign exchange year in Denmark. So I am FREE from parenting for the first time in 18 years and it is awesome. I am curious about this movie so will check it out when it makes its way over here. (if it does... there is probably some Swiss cultural censor who will not allow it to be shown because Women Might Get Ideas lol)
Well you've definitely cured me of my low-level jealousy of Scandinavian countries, thanks. I thought it was bad enough in the US that there are just random single-day no-school days all the time, but at least our school offers childcare during them!
Switzerland isn’t Scandinavia (oops! we do get confused with Sweden from a distance). In Sweden, Denmark, Norway, and Finland they do so much better with making work and family and children and school fit together. So keep on being jealous! 😉 I know I am when I talk with my friends up north!!
....yeah you're not wrong; when I googled "sweden and switzerland", the first thing I found was a survey that found 50% of (presumably American) people confused Sweden and Switzerland!
Switzerland's assumptions remind me a bit of Japan's, where there's a similarly-baked-in assumption that every kid has a mother who is available at all times.
I lived in Switzerland (geneva) for 5 years and was astounded by the school didn’t run on Wednesdays because the mothers were supposed to take the kids to dance and other activities. Every woman was expected to go part time once they had kids which seemed like a double edged sword - i would love part time for a little bit but also would not want it forced on me.
Thanks for this review! I read the book and was so moved by it that I have been reluctant to watch the movie. I felt like the author could do things in writing that might come out looking really corny in a movie setting and I just couldn't bear it! But...maybe I'll have to try it! I really related to the feelings of primal-ness around early motherhood that are expressed in the story.
Me too! I loved the book and haven’t yet seen the movie. I loved how the author contrasted performative motherhood with the pure physicality of birth and caretaking. How she drew parallels between artistic instinct and the primal, physical instincts of motherhood that are often not allowed to be expressed in our culture.
I have stared at the movie on my tv and couldn't bring myself to hit play yet. I'm living this, even though I never wanted to stay home, so I need to find some courage to watch it. As Yoder said, it feels impossible to get out. I want something different, but I'm so trapped I can't even imagine what something different could look like.
Okay, I watched it last night because my husband was out of town on business, and I needed to be alone, I think, to feel what I needed to feel without someone else there. And wow. From the opening scene I was already laughing and crying from the "being seen-ness" of it all, if I can use that made-up term. I don't want to spoil the ending for anyone, but how do I get what I need without burning it all down first? I don't want to do that, nor is [that] the problem.
Loved the book! The way the author crafted the dog-shifting was well done. You weren’t sure if the protagonist was really shifting or just giving into craziness. That felt very relatable to the post-partum experience. Haven’t seen the movie yet though.
I was lucky to work part time during my own kids’ early years and I actually liked the playground and story time… *skitters away sheepishly* Then later I became a part time playworker, so I guess that tracks. 😊
I watched this with my husband, mostly because he didn’t realize what it was about. I completely identify with it (to the point i was almost in tears) as i am currently stay at home not by choice. I was laid off while pregnant and having a hard time finding a job again partly because the cycle of not wanting to pay for childcare while unemployed but hard to look for a job when you’re a full time parent of 2 and school lets out at 2.20. I have loved being at home for some parts, i didn’t spend as much time with my first as i was working a lot so it’s been great to have that but would also like to go back to my career i invested 20 years in.
The part that resonated with me the most is where he says something along the lines of ‘what happened to my wife, she used to be an interesting person’ because that’s my biggest problem right now.
I'm so sorry you're struggling. That sounds really hard. And yes: I almost quoted that part in this post too but it felt like I was quoting too much, haha. That scene is so powerful. Especially when she says, "She died. In childbirth." Boom.
Gosh, I haven't read the book or seen the movie, but just reading about Nightbitch has me in tears, remembering how hard those early years were and how angry I was and how neglected I felt. I'm a writer and teacher and I ended up keeping my teaching job, pushing my writing to the side for years, and doing most of the childcare while my husband (a doctor) worked full-time. When the pandemic hit and I stopped teaching too and took care of both kids and my aging parents who got stuck with us for months. (My son was born a week before the pandemic was declared and they'd come down for his birth and were understandably nervous about boarding a plane). I feel like I'm still recovering from those years. Even though we were able to find and pay for daycare (once it was safe) and later preschool, I still feel like I'm fighting to regain the mental space and agency that I lost. Being a writer requires reflection and I lost that for years. Things are more balance these days now that my kids are older (4 and 7), but it's still hard. Honestly, I'm shocked by how close to the surface those feelings still are.
I was really surprised by how strongly the feelings came back when I watched the movie, even though my memories are from 13 years ago. So with your kids so young still, I'm not surprised it's still very raw and fresh! I'm sorry you still feel like you're fighting to get yourself back. That's so tough.
This is such an interesting conversation. Thanks for hosting it. I 100% understand all these feelings of being trapped and uninspired a mother. My challenge is a little different and I wonder if anyone else can relate. (Champagne problem coming in hot) I like being a SAHM and I feel decidedly lesser than for choosing this. I am incredibly privileged to be able to choose this and even luckier to have a great relationship where I'm not treated like a tradwife (if you're into that, cool. I'm not.)
I guess what I'm asking is, is it possible to be a de facto tradwife and not be enveloped all the ideology that goes along with it once you step outside? It may be be that I can't have my cake and eat it too. If I'm going to choose a Betty Draper lifestyle by day I shouldn't expect to be treated as anything else. I am constantly working my ass off in every adult social situation to try to have conversations - nobody proactively engages me around anything other than childcare or weather and when I try to do the heavy lifting and talk about anything else, they immediately want to talk about naptime again (perhaps out of trying to politely engage my perceived interests?).
Moreover, now that my kids are in school I feel like eyebrows are raised about why am I still home and what do I do all day. While I really like all the Martha Stewart stuff, I am NOT a domestic goddess. My house is a disaster (and often feel like a failure here since I have nothing else to "show" for my work. I also feel like people expect me to be good at this since I am a SAHM). I am awesome at kid play, cool projects, and and wildly capable at managing lots of kids doing crazy stuff.
Have any of y'all found good footing on this? I'd love to hear what that identity feels like to you.
Interesting article, I want to watch the movie now.
It seems like you’ve expressed one way mothers can reduce the stress of expectations to make motherhood more enjoyable. 1) Where are these expectations coming from, such as, ‘I can’t let my kid be bored’ and other performative motherhood practices. 2) I am curious if there are other ways to make motherhood more enjoyable?
And lastly, for the mothers, if any, who enjoy motherhood, who still make space for creativity, who aren’t rich, who are not itching to be empty-nesters, whose identity is not tied to motherhood but simultaneously see the sacrifices of parenting as worthy… does this person exist? How are you doing it? What mindset and culture/environment supports a thriving motherhood?
I knew I didn’t want to stay at home with my daughter. I would’ve liked a slightly longer maternity leave (I only took 10 weeks of unpaid leave, and my husband had paid leave and stayed with our daughter 4 more weeks after I went back to work before she started coming with me to the same school I work at; at the time I worked with 2-3 year olds). I wanted a little more leave because although he was home during the day he worked off duty from like 10 pm-3 am a lot which meant I was getting up at night with her and no longer had the ability to take a short nap during the day like I had during leave. My pumping schedule also didn’t work as well as I wanted to at work and we quickly had to switch to combo feeding because I didn’t get anything close to enough pumped for a whole day.
I’ve been an infant teacher since 2021 and I’ve gotten rude questions from people (one when my mom and I were on a pontoon boat at the lake near their house with some neighbors) about why would people want to pay so much money for their infant to be in daycare to hang out with me and a coteacher when we’re caring for usually 7-8 babies altogether and can’t dedicate as much time to each baby. I always answer that I love taking care of babies, and yes, it is a completely different experience than caring for one or two babies, but group care is something that is necessary to provide cost effective care (still usually much cheaper than a nanny), and we do the best we can and strive to keep all the babies as close to the schedule that is best for them as possible. High quality daycare is a huge privilege, and I have felt extremely appreciated by the parents whose children I care for; I am also grateful my daughter has been well cared for at my same center (she started in February of 2020, and she’s in her final year of preK- she has an October birthday so she is starting kindergarten this August).
I have endless gratitude for the daycare teachers who watched my kids and, quite honestly, saved my sanity. My kids both thrived in daycare and we made friends with other families who became our community and support system.
I recently watched this movie, too, and it totally resonated with me and how I felt as a new mother -- especially the desire to be home and present with my kids but also the longing to do more than be a caretaker all day long. Two things nagged at me, though -- one, the slam on "the horrible ladies at daycare" (or something like that) as well as the general, mostly unexamined notion that every single aspect of a child's wellbeing hinges on having the undivided attention of a (probably female) caregiver who is a member of your nuclear family. Centuries of humans were raised outside of these conditions and the species survived. Also, it's not unreasonable to tell your two year old that they can't fingerpaint on the kitchen walls. Why make things so hard for yourself, Mother? It's okay to say no! ;)
I haven’t seen the movie, but in the book (which was a good read!) the finger painting is something she allows because SHE wants it. The book is very much about art and the female artist, what’s given up in caretaking and how the protagonist reconnects with her artistic self. {editing to add: this is how I remember the scene, that it was layered, and she took inspiration from the finger paint; I could be projecting too. 😊}
But hard agree—only let your kid finger paint the walls if that’s something you’re okay with. lol
Very good point! I could see that scene being rendered with many more layers in the book. As a viewer (and a control freak), I was mostly thinking about how much time it would take to clean up that mess!!!
Lol. This is me to a tee! I'm the mom that really is too type A for art projects so we just don't do them. At first I felt guilty but now I know that the kids have plenty of creative outlets at school and it's better for me to engage with them on things I enjoy. Our little humans are sponges and can pick up on that anxious energy.
💯
Totally agree - the fingerpainting scene was the ONE time she said no to her kid in the movie, and then she didn't follow through.... sigh. I noticed that it was the dad who made the comment about the daycare ladies, which I thought further emphasized the point that he was putting pressure on her to stay home all along. I'd have to watch the scene again, but I got the sense she was going along with what he said in the moment but perhaps didn't totally agree.
As for your point about intensive mothering - YES. I talk a lot here about the pressure on mothers to always be present and involved and how that's not actually good for anyone (including kids). I actually really liked that aspect of the movie, though, because it feels pretty realistic (even if I wish it weren't so). Most mothers today still feel that this is what they must do, because that's what the culture of intensive parenting tells them. And I like that, as the movie progresses, i feel we see her recognize that she maybe doesn't need to only exist in this mother role and can take some time and space for herself, too.
I’m in the thick of these years, and felt so seen by these words:
“I felt constantly bored, too, as well as angry and guilty. I missed working, and I resented that my husband got to go off into the world every day and engage with adults about interesting things while I read Chicka Chicka Boom Boom over and over and over again. Yet at the same time, I felt terrible that I wasn’t enjoying being a mother as much as I thought I would. Lather, rinse, repeat.”
I’ve turned toward that bored-angry-guilty cycle many times, both in meditation and when sitting hunched on a tiny chair with Legos or Playdoh or kinetic sand in my hand. I don’t really have a solution for it. There’s a concept in Buddhism called “having ill will towards your ill will” and I feel like that sort of nails the vibe for me. There’s so much of that in motherhood. No wonder we all feel a bit wolfy as a result.
There is a modern mom norm of ‘playing’ with your kid that really amps up the boredom and anger for a lot of people. Speaking as a professional playworker, parents (especially stay at home parents) should feel free to NOT play with their kids. (It’s good for them! I swear!) They can learn to play alone in a safe space, even right beside you. Maybe send them outside if it’s safe, let them participate in adult housework and chores. Adults playing when they don’t want to play is not fun or helpful for anyone.
The one kind of adult work that’s really hard to do in this way is “thought work”—like writing or art or things on the computer. (Which is a lot of modern adult work.) You often need alone time for that, which is impossible to get without childcare help.
100%. I think you and I have moved in the same circles -- I helped launch Tinkergarten in BK way back when -- and I felt great about the fact that I was paid well to help facilitate kids' play in the park while caregivers got a break. Even more so now that I'm a parent myself. My own kid has reached an age where he's just as happy to help me do the laundry as he is to be a robot, and I could not be happier about it! But I sorely missed having my own time to meditate and write over this break, as you say. Even activities that feel delightful in small doses can be boring if you have too much of a good thing, and I think it's naming that piece -- this is too much of a good thing! -- that brings up the guilt, because there's gratitude there too.
Hi Ryan. Tinkergarten!! Such great invitations for playing outside.
Totally agree about moderation, even for good things. 😊
There are so many ways to be playful, warm, and connected without “sitting down to play” or doing things that are just for kids. And parents can really only tap into their playfulness when they have what they need for their own care.
Thank goodness, because I super love reading a book on the couch while my kiddo plays next to me, occasionally involving me in a game of funny faces toddler fetch (making funny faces while playing fetch with your toddler)
Performative motherhood is huge where I live (Switzerland, a rich country where everything is performative, more or less), and it is a performance that really kicks into high gear at school age. There are no "all-day" public schools and the schedule is different each day. The one constant is a 1.5 hour lunch break where the kids are expected TO GO HOME FOR A COOKED MEAL. No school cafeteria. Through the ninth grade.
Through a mix of town "lunch tables" (available 2x weekly for the neglected kids who have no mom or grandma at home), three years of private day school (!), a brief bout of unemployment (mine), and Covid home office rules (my husband), we somehow managed.
The baby and toddler years were a dream in comparison, since (private, expensive) daycare covered 7.30 am to 6:30 pm, meals included. I had six months paid leave, which was awesome and I was totally ready to go back and talk to adults about something other than diapers and sleep patterns. My husband and I were fortunate enough to afford a 20% family pay cut and both reduced our work to 80% over four days. The boy had three days with his peers, one with me, and one Daddy day.
We were blessed with the easiest baby in the world: our son was happy, healthy, slept, ate, and was totally fun to be with. Other performative mothers hated us from the get-go, because we did not have to perform. This came home to roost when a network would have been helpful (lunch dates? please? anyone?) and we were left out of the loop because I didn't show up randomly during the school day with homemade muffins.
Our son is now 18, still in school (because the four years of college prep after ninth grade are not required and available only to those who excel academically, ehmm, fit in-- don't get me started), and currently on his foreign exchange year in Denmark. So I am FREE from parenting for the first time in 18 years and it is awesome. I am curious about this movie so will check it out when it makes its way over here. (if it does... there is probably some Swiss cultural censor who will not allow it to be shown because Women Might Get Ideas lol)
Well you've definitely cured me of my low-level jealousy of Scandinavian countries, thanks. I thought it was bad enough in the US that there are just random single-day no-school days all the time, but at least our school offers childcare during them!
Switzerland isn’t Scandinavia (oops! we do get confused with Sweden from a distance). In Sweden, Denmark, Norway, and Finland they do so much better with making work and family and children and school fit together. So keep on being jealous! 😉 I know I am when I talk with my friends up north!!
....yeah you're not wrong; when I googled "sweden and switzerland", the first thing I found was a survey that found 50% of (presumably American) people confused Sweden and Switzerland!
Switzerland's assumptions remind me a bit of Japan's, where there's a similarly-baked-in assumption that every kid has a mother who is available at all times.
I lived in Switzerland (geneva) for 5 years and was astounded by the school didn’t run on Wednesdays because the mothers were supposed to take the kids to dance and other activities. Every woman was expected to go part time once they had kids which seemed like a double edged sword - i would love part time for a little bit but also would not want it forced on me.
hey, and how about those two-week school holidays every second month?! 🫨
My children are adults now, but I vividly remember how hard those early years were, even with all the privilege in the world.
Thanks for this review! I read the book and was so moved by it that I have been reluctant to watch the movie. I felt like the author could do things in writing that might come out looking really corny in a movie setting and I just couldn't bear it! But...maybe I'll have to try it! I really related to the feelings of primal-ness around early motherhood that are expressed in the story.
Me too! I loved the book and haven’t yet seen the movie. I loved how the author contrasted performative motherhood with the pure physicality of birth and caretaking. How she drew parallels between artistic instinct and the primal, physical instincts of motherhood that are often not allowed to be expressed in our culture.
I have stared at the movie on my tv and couldn't bring myself to hit play yet. I'm living this, even though I never wanted to stay home, so I need to find some courage to watch it. As Yoder said, it feels impossible to get out. I want something different, but I'm so trapped I can't even imagine what something different could look like.
It’s so hard! Sending you wishes for strength and patience (or whatever super skill is helpful for you). 💕
Thank you, Stacy!
Okay, I watched it last night because my husband was out of town on business, and I needed to be alone, I think, to feel what I needed to feel without someone else there. And wow. From the opening scene I was already laughing and crying from the "being seen-ness" of it all, if I can use that made-up term. I don't want to spoil the ending for anyone, but how do I get what I need without burning it all down first? I don't want to do that, nor is [that] the problem.
I have not seen the movie, but I definitely will.
Loved the book! The way the author crafted the dog-shifting was well done. You weren’t sure if the protagonist was really shifting or just giving into craziness. That felt very relatable to the post-partum experience. Haven’t seen the movie yet though.
I was lucky to work part time during my own kids’ early years and I actually liked the playground and story time… *skitters away sheepishly* Then later I became a part time playworker, so I guess that tracks. 😊
I watched this with my husband, mostly because he didn’t realize what it was about. I completely identify with it (to the point i was almost in tears) as i am currently stay at home not by choice. I was laid off while pregnant and having a hard time finding a job again partly because the cycle of not wanting to pay for childcare while unemployed but hard to look for a job when you’re a full time parent of 2 and school lets out at 2.20. I have loved being at home for some parts, i didn’t spend as much time with my first as i was working a lot so it’s been great to have that but would also like to go back to my career i invested 20 years in.
The part that resonated with me the most is where he says something along the lines of ‘what happened to my wife, she used to be an interesting person’ because that’s my biggest problem right now.
I'm so sorry you're struggling. That sounds really hard. And yes: I almost quoted that part in this post too but it felt like I was quoting too much, haha. That scene is so powerful. Especially when she says, "She died. In childbirth." Boom.
Gosh, I haven't read the book or seen the movie, but just reading about Nightbitch has me in tears, remembering how hard those early years were and how angry I was and how neglected I felt. I'm a writer and teacher and I ended up keeping my teaching job, pushing my writing to the side for years, and doing most of the childcare while my husband (a doctor) worked full-time. When the pandemic hit and I stopped teaching too and took care of both kids and my aging parents who got stuck with us for months. (My son was born a week before the pandemic was declared and they'd come down for his birth and were understandably nervous about boarding a plane). I feel like I'm still recovering from those years. Even though we were able to find and pay for daycare (once it was safe) and later preschool, I still feel like I'm fighting to regain the mental space and agency that I lost. Being a writer requires reflection and I lost that for years. Things are more balance these days now that my kids are older (4 and 7), but it's still hard. Honestly, I'm shocked by how close to the surface those feelings still are.
I was really surprised by how strongly the feelings came back when I watched the movie, even though my memories are from 13 years ago. So with your kids so young still, I'm not surprised it's still very raw and fresh! I'm sorry you still feel like you're fighting to get yourself back. That's so tough.
This is such an interesting conversation. Thanks for hosting it. I 100% understand all these feelings of being trapped and uninspired a mother. My challenge is a little different and I wonder if anyone else can relate. (Champagne problem coming in hot) I like being a SAHM and I feel decidedly lesser than for choosing this. I am incredibly privileged to be able to choose this and even luckier to have a great relationship where I'm not treated like a tradwife (if you're into that, cool. I'm not.)
I guess what I'm asking is, is it possible to be a de facto tradwife and not be enveloped all the ideology that goes along with it once you step outside? It may be be that I can't have my cake and eat it too. If I'm going to choose a Betty Draper lifestyle by day I shouldn't expect to be treated as anything else. I am constantly working my ass off in every adult social situation to try to have conversations - nobody proactively engages me around anything other than childcare or weather and when I try to do the heavy lifting and talk about anything else, they immediately want to talk about naptime again (perhaps out of trying to politely engage my perceived interests?).
Moreover, now that my kids are in school I feel like eyebrows are raised about why am I still home and what do I do all day. While I really like all the Martha Stewart stuff, I am NOT a domestic goddess. My house is a disaster (and often feel like a failure here since I have nothing else to "show" for my work. I also feel like people expect me to be good at this since I am a SAHM). I am awesome at kid play, cool projects, and and wildly capable at managing lots of kids doing crazy stuff.
Have any of y'all found good footing on this? I'd love to hear what that identity feels like to you.
Interesting article, I want to watch the movie now.
It seems like you’ve expressed one way mothers can reduce the stress of expectations to make motherhood more enjoyable. 1) Where are these expectations coming from, such as, ‘I can’t let my kid be bored’ and other performative motherhood practices. 2) I am curious if there are other ways to make motherhood more enjoyable?
And lastly, for the mothers, if any, who enjoy motherhood, who still make space for creativity, who aren’t rich, who are not itching to be empty-nesters, whose identity is not tied to motherhood but simultaneously see the sacrifices of parenting as worthy… does this person exist? How are you doing it? What mindset and culture/environment supports a thriving motherhood?