It’s a very Montessori approach, which I’m a (biased) fan of since we have put all 4 kids through Montessori. Part of the curriculum from a young age is Practical Life where they learn basic tasks that seem simple (polishing, flower arranging, preparing/cutting fruit), but they are all learning opportunities that are connected to all aspects of life. It fosters independence and self confidence.
Instead of immediately fixing a challenge, ask: 'Could this struggle be a learning opportunity?' This simple question is a powerful gut check against overparenting. As @melindawmoyer reminds us, well-intentioned intervention deprives children and teens of crucial skill development. This is especially evident in college counseling, where parents often seek to control the application process, inadvertently preventing students from learning how to authentically tell their stories and discover their ideal college match.
Do you have advice/articles on what to do when you child is the reincarnation of a 16th century French king and absolutely flabbergasted at not being given a body servant? My kid doesn't want to do anything for himself, and I have yet to figure this out (he's 8), because everyone I ask about it is surprised that kids exist who never went through a "me do it!" phase and has no idea.
I, too, laughed aloud. My son and my daughter are very different in this way. My daughter wants to do everything herself, and my son would prefer everything be done for him. So ... I get it. I have to catch myself because I find myself doing a lot more for him than for her. I think it can be driven sometimes by anxiety -- they don't want to try something and fail. But the longer they hold off, the more that reinforces their anxiety, etc. But I think there are other reasons for it, too. It probably comes down in part to personality/temperament.
I wonder if you could create a kind of game, or at least a go-to response, that will allow you to address these situations with humor (since I get the sense humor is one of your strengths!). Like, I don't know, maybe every time he asks you to do something for him, you pause and say, "hmmmm, I wonder if other 8-year-olds do this on their own... let me consult my secret oracle... YES, he says they do!" Okay, that's a terrible example, you can come up with something a LOT better, but: Gently and playfully refusing to help, and pointing out that he CAN do it himself and that it's fine if it's not perfect, might be something to try?
I started to cry reading this. I absolutely agree with this approach and my husband and I raised our son this way, stressing independence-self-confidence-being helpful to others.
But.
Are there any studies (I am sure there must be) about how neuroatypical kids learn or do not learn this way? Our just-turned-18 son with ADHD can hardly do anything by himself. His confidence and pride have been on a gradual downward slide for the past five years until BOOM here we are. I did not think this degree of handholding would ever become necessary, much less at this age.
(He was at a Montessori school from 4th-6th grade after being mobbed at the local public school. That was great.)
SOLIDARITY! I had the same reaction. My son (who turns 11 today!!!) was diagnosed with ADHD a little over a year ago and he is really on the struggle bus. He can do lots of stuff independently, and we have given him a pretty wide berth to let him figure it out. But when it comes to school, he simply does not have the executive functioning to keep it all together. (note: middle school in our town is grades 5-8) His confidence and pride and enthusiasm for school is in the toilet. He hates school, so my husband and I are doing a lot more to work with him. I also feel like I'm constantly nagging him because he does forget pretty important things (like taking medicine) and i can't really let the implications of his actions help him correct. It's really tough.
It’s a very Montessori approach, which I’m a (biased) fan of since we have put all 4 kids through Montessori. Part of the curriculum from a young age is Practical Life where they learn basic tasks that seem simple (polishing, flower arranging, preparing/cutting fruit), but they are all learning opportunities that are connected to all aspects of life. It fosters independence and self confidence.
Absolutely! My kids went to a Montessori preschool (my son stayed through kindergarten). Loved it.
Instead of immediately fixing a challenge, ask: 'Could this struggle be a learning opportunity?' This simple question is a powerful gut check against overparenting. As @melindawmoyer reminds us, well-intentioned intervention deprives children and teens of crucial skill development. This is especially evident in college counseling, where parents often seek to control the application process, inadvertently preventing students from learning how to authentically tell their stories and discover their ideal college match.
Do you have advice/articles on what to do when you child is the reincarnation of a 16th century French king and absolutely flabbergasted at not being given a body servant? My kid doesn't want to do anything for himself, and I have yet to figure this out (he's 8), because everyone I ask about it is surprised that kids exist who never went through a "me do it!" phase and has no idea.
Colby, I don’t have any specific advice but just wanted to say I laughed out loud at your description. Maybe time travel is the best answer :-)
I, too, laughed aloud. My son and my daughter are very different in this way. My daughter wants to do everything herself, and my son would prefer everything be done for him. So ... I get it. I have to catch myself because I find myself doing a lot more for him than for her. I think it can be driven sometimes by anxiety -- they don't want to try something and fail. But the longer they hold off, the more that reinforces their anxiety, etc. But I think there are other reasons for it, too. It probably comes down in part to personality/temperament.
I wonder if you could create a kind of game, or at least a go-to response, that will allow you to address these situations with humor (since I get the sense humor is one of your strengths!). Like, I don't know, maybe every time he asks you to do something for him, you pause and say, "hmmmm, I wonder if other 8-year-olds do this on their own... let me consult my secret oracle... YES, he says they do!" Okay, that's a terrible example, you can come up with something a LOT better, but: Gently and playfully refusing to help, and pointing out that he CAN do it himself and that it's fine if it's not perfect, might be something to try?
I started to cry reading this. I absolutely agree with this approach and my husband and I raised our son this way, stressing independence-self-confidence-being helpful to others.
But.
Are there any studies (I am sure there must be) about how neuroatypical kids learn or do not learn this way? Our just-turned-18 son with ADHD can hardly do anything by himself. His confidence and pride have been on a gradual downward slide for the past five years until BOOM here we are. I did not think this degree of handholding would ever become necessary, much less at this age.
(He was at a Montessori school from 4th-6th grade after being mobbed at the local public school. That was great.)
SOLIDARITY! I had the same reaction. My son (who turns 11 today!!!) was diagnosed with ADHD a little over a year ago and he is really on the struggle bus. He can do lots of stuff independently, and we have given him a pretty wide berth to let him figure it out. But when it comes to school, he simply does not have the executive functioning to keep it all together. (note: middle school in our town is grades 5-8) His confidence and pride and enthusiasm for school is in the toilet. He hates school, so my husband and I are doing a lot more to work with him. I also feel like I'm constantly nagging him because he does forget pretty important things (like taking medicine) and i can't really let the implications of his actions help him correct. It's really tough.