When Your Kid Is Super Sassy

Why do they have so much attitude and what should you do about it?

TGIF, everyone! It’s a great day for those of you with kids under 5 who have been waiting for Covid vaccines for eight million years. The vaccines should be available next week!!! In The New York Times’ Well newsletter this morning, I answered a lot of the questions you sent me via my Instagram about these vaccines. (I ask for a lot of input on IG regarding what to cover, so if you don’t follow me there yet, please do!) I don’t have an online link for the piece to share yet, but I’ll share it in my IG stories when I do.

Today I’m going to address a question I get a lot: Why are kids so sassy, and what should you do about it? I’ll be honest, I deal with sassiness a lot, too. When I ask my 7-year-old to do something, she often replies with a loud, obnoxious “FINE!” while rolling her eyes. Even worse, of course, is when she flat out refuses.

First, let’s unpack why kids are so sassy. I know that being kid seems easy — my son spent the day yesterday at an amusement park on a school field trip, and why can’t my days be like that? — but the fact is, being a kid can be hard. Kids are constantly being told what to do and how to do it by us, their teachers, their babysitters, and their friends. Yes, childhood often involves very little responsibility, but it also involves very little control and autonomy. One way kids try to take steal some autonomy for themselves is in how they engage with us — in saying “FINE!” as obnoxiously as possible when we ask them to do yet another thing they don’t particularly want to do.

Also, the ability to bite one’s tongue requires impulse control. I mean, think about it: Sassiness is a natural adult reaction, too. How many times have you wanted to talk back to your boss at your partner, but then realized that wasn’t a good idea and held your tongue? Kids have that same natural impulse, but their brains lack the ability to pause and think better of it. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: The part of the brain responsible for impulse control doesn’t fully mature until people are 25. So when your kids are being sassy, consider that this is also, to some degree, a reflection of their biology.

I know; explanations aren’t why you’re here. You want solutions. Still, I always think it’s helpful to understand why kids display challenging behaviors so that we can recognize that they’re not trying to drive us nuts (I mean, okay, sometimes they are). But yes. There are things you can do to curb sassiness in kids, and I’m going to share, for my paid subscribers, my four key suggestions. If you’re a free subscriber, you can subscribe now and read them too, along with my many other newsletters reserved for paid subscribers. There’s even a convenient 7-day free trial!

Here are my four key suggestions for reducing sassiness: