When Kids Are Obsessed With Death

What should you do if your child is asking morbid questions or playing disturbing games?

This is the free edition of Is My Kid the Asshole?, a newsletter from science journalist, professional speaker and author Melinda Wenner Moyer, which you can read more about here. If you like it, please subscribe and/or share this post with someone else who would too.

Hi everyone. First, I want to apologize that this newsletter is a day late. We had a snow day on Friday, and my 7-year-old has been sick (apparently not Covid? But who really knows?) so I have fallen behind on my regularly scheduled programming. But, you know, what is time?

Dear Is My Kid the Asshole?,

My daughters — ages 3 and 5 — love to play a game that revolves around death. They take turns pretending to be sick, and the other one nurses them at their bedside, and then the sick one pretends to die, and the other one throws herself on the floor sobbing and wailing “I can’t live without my sister!” They ask tons of questions about death, too. Should I be worried?

Sincerely,

Macabre Mom

Dear Macabre Mom,

In the 14 months since I began writing this newsletter, I’ve received several versions of this question. I can’t say I’m surprised: Kids are naturally curious about death in the best of times, but their interest has undoubtedly been amplified by the pandemic.

Here’s the good news: A fascination with death is totally, perfectly normal. As I learned interviewing Karl Rosengren, a psychologist at the University of Rochester who has been studying how children conceive of death for 20 years, kids gravitate towards concepts they don’t understand in order to make sense of them. Death is basically the ultimate mystery, so it’s no wonder kids are often gnawing away at it.

Ironically, though, we often interrupt this natural learning process. Research has found that American parents in particular try to shield kids from the concept of death — sometimes even misleading them with euphemisms and lies — whereas parents in other countries, such as in Mexico, regularly discuss death, Rosengren said. Even when death is relevant, parents shy away: In one study, Rosengren and his colleagues found that after American kids watched movies that involved a death, their parents rarely engaged with them about it.

“Parents, and even teachers, think that children can't cope with death, either from a cognitive perspective, in terms of understanding what it means to die, or from an emotional perspective,” Rosengren explained. But that’s really not the case, he added. If anything, he said, it’s the parents who can’t deal with the issue, not the kids. “If you've been brought up to hide and run away from these difficult things, then you don't really know how to talk to your child about it,” he said. (Many parents wait until there is death in the family to talk about the issue, but that makes everyone’s lives harder, he noted — you’ll be forced to talk with your kids about death while you’re upset and mourning, and while they may be, too.)

Indeed, kids can absolutely handle conversations about death, and they are often better off for them. When Rosengren surveyed 381 adults in a 2018 study, he found that people whose parents had talked to them about death as children had an easier time coping with loss compared with people whose parents had protected them from the issue.

And the fact is, whether we like it or not, kids are exposed to death in their daily lives through movies, books, and the news, and they are trying to understand what it means. If parents aren’t there to help them build an accurate understanding, then they have to do it alone or with only the input of peers — and what they come up with may not be accurate or healthy. (For those of you who’ve read my book, this will sound familiar. This is why it’s also important to talk to your kids about race and sex, even from a young age — so they aren’t only learning only from biased or inaccurate sources.)

If you’re worried that conversations about death will provoke anxiety in your kids, you probably don’t need to be. Yes, in a very small subset of children, Rosengren said, this can happen. (More on how to handle that in a minute.) But more often than not, these conversations are helpful, not harmful. And if kids are asking questions about death because they’re already anxious, then it’s extra important than you engage with them to share information and allay their fears. Here’s how.

1. Answer kids’ questions openly and honestly.

When kids ask difficult questions, we’re often inclined to sugar coat our answers, and that’s understandable. We want to protect our children from scary things! But Rosengren said that giving vague and inaccurate answers — describing death as “going to sleep” or saying that someone who has died has “gone to a better place” — isn’t constructive. It only serves to confuse kids further, and robs them of the opportunity to start putting together the pieces of a complex topic.

(This doesn’t mean you can’t talk to kids about your religious beliefs regarding an afterlife. But be explicit, he said — when you tell kids that dead people “go to a better place,” they may think you’re talking about Hawaii. Use words like “Heaven” if that’s what you mean.)

How do you explain death to kids? You could start out by saying something like, No one really knows what happens after you die, but here are some things we have learned. Research suggests that there are five aspects of death that can be helpful to introduce at various points: 1) Death is universal — all living things die; 2) Death is final and irreversible; 3) Death involves the ending of biological processes; 4) Death can be caused by different things, and 5) Many people believe that death has spiritual aspects, such as that an afterlife may exist.

2. Use everyday experiences to discuss death, and include kids (when appropriate) in death-related rituals.

The next time you’re with your children and you see a dead insect on the sidewalk, consider discussing its demise. You could say something like, Hey, look at the dead spider. How do we know it’s dead? What does that mean? Kids are often fascinated by these conversations. “It's all an exploration of the life cycle — and ultimately of separation,” said Tovah Klein, the director of the Barnard College Center for Toddler Development.

Owning (and then losing) a pet can also be a constructive experience, because while these losses are certainly painful, they can give kids some scaffolding when they later lose a cherished family member, Rosengren said. In other words, it can be helpful for kids to engage with death not just from a cognitive perspective, but from an emotional one, too.

If a loved one dies, consider letting your children attend the funeral or memorial service. (If they want to — don’t force them!) Or, at the very least, brainstorm some ways to celebrate and commemorate the person’s life, and let them grieve at their own pace. As I explained in a 2020 piece for The New York Times:

Maybe you plant a tree in the backyard to remember them, bake their favorite bread, watch their favorite movie or make a special photo album.

Remember, too, that grief doesn’t follow a schedule. American culture expects people to mourn quickly — to cry at the funeral and then feel a sense of “closure” and move on — but these expectations aren’t particularly healthy or appropriate. “Ultimately, the purpose of mourning and memorializing is to foster an ongoing sense of connection with the person who died,” Primo said, and that means “we can memorialize and remember as often as we want.”

It’s also OK for your kids to see you feeling sad and to engage with them about your grief, according to Robyn Silverman, Ph.D., a child and teen development specialist who hosts the podcast “How To Talk To Your Kids About Anything.” “When you talk about your own feelings about anything, it opens the door for the child to talk about theirs — it gives them that permission,” she said.

3. If they’re anxious about death, reassure them (but still be honest).

Sometimes, kids will ask pointed, fearful questions about death, often stemming from a fear of being separated from you. They might say, Are you going to die soon? Or How old will I be when you die? In moments like this, kids are looking for reassurance, Klein said. You don’t want to lie, but lean into the statistics, if they’re in your favor. You might say something like Nobody knows when they’re going to die, but most people die when they’re very old, and there’s no reason to think I won’t live for many more years. As Klein put it to me, “children need to know you're going to be there tomorrow.” So give them that reassurance if you can. (If you or a loved one is sick, or has a life-threatening illness, here’s an excellent piece in Parents on how to talk to kids about it.)

If your child seems anxious about death but isn’t asking a specific question, drill down to get to the root of their concerns. “Ask them what they're worrying about, and see how you can help give them some control,” Klein said. For instance, if you’re vaccinated, but your kid is worried you’re going to die of Covid-19, show them the statistics suggesting otherwise.

Ultimately, you want your kids to feel safe — but you also want to give them the chance to learn about death, and begin to process what it means, because it’s something they will inevitably face. “Children should know about what it means to die, and should understand the emotional toll it takes on people,” Rosengren said. “There's nothing wrong with that. We, as a culture, should be more open to being expressive about when we are hurting.”

TODAY at 1pm ET I’m doing an Instagram Live with the Morphmom ladies, talking about my book, HOW TO RAISE KIDS WHO AREN’T ASSHOLES. Join us!

My newsletter last week on teaching kids to be critical thinkers was just included in The Week magazine’s Best Parenting Advice round-up! Yay!

One week from today, on Wednesday, February 16, I’m doing an online event with the Hudson River Park Mothers Group. I’ll be talking about my book and answering audience questions. To register, click here.