When Is Your Kid Ready to Stay Home Alone?

And what about babysitting?!

My son is 11, and he would like everyone to know that he is REALLY VERY READY to be left home alone from time to time. But, as I said, he’s 11. He thinks he’s going to make millions on YouTube and become a professional soccer player, too.

So how do you know when your kid is truly ready to be left alone? And when are they ready to babysit? These are important questions without easy answers, as I learned when I tried to hunt for information online. So I reached out to child safety expert and lawyer Debra Holtzman, author of The Safe Baby, who, among many other things, helped to develop the current version of the American Red Cross’s Babysitting Basics course.

Holtzman’s opinion is that, as a general rule, you shouldn’t leave a kid alone if they are under the age of 12. (The organization Safe Kids Worldwide agrees, but adds that “a thoughtful 11-year-old who has a good track record of following household rules might be ready,” so my son may be in luck.) A few states have specific laws: In Maryland, a child under 8 can’t legally be left home alone. Oregon has a vaguely written law that suggests that kids should never be left alone under the age of 10. And in Illinois, it used to be illegal to leave a child alone who was under the age of 14 (!!!!!), but the law was thankfully struck down earlier this year. Holtzman said you may want to reach out to your local health department to see if there are any local laws that might affect your decision; Safe Kids Worldwide suggests reaching out to your local child protective services agency.

Age, however, isn’t the most important factor when it come to deciding when your kid is ready to be left alone, Holtzman said. You really want to consider their emotional regulation and problem-solving skills. Although we hope that nothing unexpected will happen when we leave our kids alone, the fact is, shit happens and we need to feel confident our kid will be able to manage anything that arises. Yes, probably they could text or call you, but what if they can’t find their phone or can’t get through to you or they need to act quickly?

To determine how emotionally ready they are, here are some questions Holtzman suggests that parents should ask themselves about their child. The more you answer “yes” to, the more confident you can be that your kid is ready:

• Are they calm under pressure?

• Are they honest and trustworthy?

• Do they follow rules?

• Are they able to work independently?

• Do they demonstrate good judgment?

• Do they have good impulse control?

Of course, kids need more than good problem-solving skills to do well in emergency scenarios. They also need to have the right information on hand. I’ve suggested a big laundry list of discussion topics below for you to go over with your kid, and I don’t mean to overwhelm you. But I agree with Holtzman: We want to ensure that our kids will be able to handle the unexpected. When you go over these with your child, you may want to preface the conversation with something like, “I'm not telling you these things to scare you — I’m telling you these things to empower you. So you know what to do,” Holtzman suggested. These should be two-way conversations rather than lectures, too.

Here’s are some key things your kid should know:

• What they can and can’t do when home alone (things to address: screen time; having friends over; swimming; cooking)

• Their obligations — do they need to feed the dog? Do their homework?

• How to lock and unlock the doors and windows

• How to reach you — including knowing your address and phone number(s) by heart

• How and when to call 911, including what is a true emergency and what is not

• What the fire and carbon monoxide alarms sound like (they may differ) and what to do if one goes off

• Your family’s fire safety/evacuation plan

• What to do if someone rings the doorbell or knocks on the door

• Where the first aid kit is and how to use it

• What to do if the power goes out (including where flashlights are)

Holtzman also emphasized that you should make sure your house is as safe as possible when you leave — that any guns you own are locked up with ammunition stored separately; that other dangerous equipment such as knives are put away; and medications are stored safely. She also suggested reaching out to a trusted neighbor to see if they’d be OK to help in the event of an emergency, and making sure your child knows how to find them.

If your kid wants to babysit, you’ll obviously want to make sure they have all the necessary knowledge and emotional skills I mentioned already. Holtzman recommended that prospective sitters take a babysitting class — they are often offered at hospitals and community centers, and the American Red Cross provides them too, including online.

Since babysitting is a big responsibility, Holtzman told me that kids who babysit should be at least 13, but that the ideal starting age is often closer to 15 or 16. You’ll also want to consider the following: How many kids will they be looking after? How old are the kids that need to be cared for, and how challenging are they? If you’re asking your child to look after younger siblings, you also want to consider how well they get along and their temperaments, including whether the younger kids will actually do what your older child asks (this is going to be an obstacle in our family, I fear).

After interviewing Holtzman, I am pretty sure that my 11-year-old has the emotional skills to handle being left alone for short periods — although there are details we’ll need to discuss that I hadn’t considered before. He’s definitely not ready to babysit his little sister, though — and given my daughter’s mischievous streak, I’m not sure when, or if, he ever will be.

Related posts:

• How I Talked to My Tween About Fentanyl

• How To Protect Kids From Gun Violence

• When Your Kid Begs to Be Rescued

My dog Ozzy starred in this week’s New York Times Well newsletter again as I discussed growing rates of pet anxiety — why it’s happening, how to recognize it, and what to do about it. Read it here.