What's the Deal With Rewards?
Are they good or bad for kids? Let me guide you through the gnarly science.
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Today I’m digging into a messy but important issue that has vexed so many parents (myself included): Rewards. If you do a bit of research online, you’ll find contradictory information that will make you want to pull your hair out. The CDC, for instance, says that rewards are “important for many reasons” and that they can increase kids’ self-esteem and strengthen the parent-child relationship. This Atlantic article, on the other hand, argues that rewards can “harm [kids’] social skills in the long term.”
So which is it? Are rewards good or bad?
As you probably know if you’ve been reading my work for a while, I’m not a big fan of absolutes. Whenever I hear that something is “always good” or “always bad” for kids, my antennae perk up, and not in a good way. Because let’s face it: Every kid is different. Every parent is different. Every situation is different. (I mean, of course there a few absolutes. Please don’t hit your kid!)
It’s also hard for me to be entirely objective when considering the effects of rewards, because, full disclosure, I’ve used them before. When my son was in early elementary school, he struggled with some behavioral issues, and my husband and I went to see a psychologist who recommended that we set up a “points system.” Every time our son did things we liked — cleaned his room, helped his sister, said “thank you” — we would give him a few points, which we would announce and write down. Each point translated into one cent and one minute of screen time. It seemed like a positive way to encourage responsible behavior and manage screen time and an allowance: a triple win!
We tried it, and lo and behold, it worked. My son really did start taking more initiative and behaving better.
Soon after, though, I stumbled across some of the articles — like the one in The Atlantic — that warned against the hazards of using rewards as motivators. I started worrying that rewards could make my son callous and manipulative. I imagined him leering at me: “How much will you pay me not to whack my sister with this flip-flop?”
Faced with this conundrum, I dug into the research more.
