What Would Melinda Say?

Conversations I've had with my kids about disabilities and anxiety.

TGIF everyone! I’m trying out a new newsletter format today. I have heard from many of you that you love scripts. You want to know: When my kid says X, what Y could I say in response that would be constructive? This is not to say that there is only one good way to handle a given parenting situation — there are many (perhaps an infinite number), and how you respond will also depend on your child. Still, I always find it helpful when I hear parenting experts share specific words and phrases that I can store in the back of my brain and pull out in difficult situations.

So today, I’m going to share two scripts that come as close as possible to what I’ve actually said to my kids in the past when they 1) noticed and commented on another person’s disability, and 2) were deep in an anxiety spiral. My responses were based on insights I’ve gleaned from the many interviews I’ve done with psychologists. I’ve also included explanations for why I said what I said.

Free subscribers, you’ll be able to read #1, but #2 — which involved a lot of back-and-forth, and various strategies — is for paid subscribers only. Don’t forget that I’m running a 30% off Back-to-School sale on paid subscriptions through Tuesday, with a free 7-day-trial! Now is a great time to subscribe — you’ll get all my paid content for just $35/year or $3.50/month.

Situation #1: Noticing a disability

Kid: Hey, that person is in a wheelchair. Why? What’s wrong with her?

Me: You’re right, that person is in a wheelchair. Using a wheelchair doesn’t mean anything’s wrong — it just means she moves around differently than we do. I don’t know why she uses a wheelchair, but different people have different ways of getting around, and for many reasons. I think that’s actually kind of cool, don’t you? (My goal here was to normalize differences and gently correct the fear/negativity she was associating with difference and disability.)

Situation #2: Kid Anxiety Spiral

Kid: I’m so scared about my soccer game! I don’t know how to play and everyone will be watching me and what if I screw up? (This one happened last night, right before bed — of course! — when my 8-year-old started bawling about how nervous she is about her very first soccer game this Saturday. As you’ll see, this conversation involves me trying out a handful of different strategies, because not everything has a simple fix!)