What Joint Custody is Really Like
The highs and lows of not having my kids with me 40 percent of the time.
First things first: Check out the Substack Live I did with the wonderful
on Friday, “How to Raise Good Humans in a World That Feels Bad.” We had such a fantastic and honest conversation!Last week, the website Cup of Jo reached out to me for an article they were running about women’s experiences sharing custody of their kids after separation or divorce. They asked if I’d be willing to share my perspective, and I said of course — I am all for demystifying the experience. They asked me a bunch of thoughtful questions, and I answered them as truthfully as I could.
The article ran last week and included a number of women’s thoughts and perspectives. My contribution ended up being just a paragraph. Today I’m going to share the full interview because I thought it might be helpful for those of you who are considering or in the process of separation or divorce. I talked about how it feels and what I do when my kids aren’t with me, what it was like explaining the new living arrangements to them, how the experience has changed my relationship with them, and more.
What is your custody arrangement like?
I have the kids 60 percent of the time, and my ex has them 40 percent of the time. Our schedule operates over a two-week period, in which I have them eight nights out of the 14, and he has them the other six.
How did you come up with the arrangement? Were both you and your partner onboard with it, or did it take some negotiating?
We can’t take credit for coming up with it — it’s almost identical to the schedule followed by my good friend and neighbor
, who told us about it when we were separating. (And of course, I’ve made sure to align my schedule with hers so we have the same weekends off!) We like this schedule because the kids typically have longer stretches at each house — there’s not a ton of back-and-forth.But mostly, we adopted it because it works well with my ex’s work schedule. His job is a two-hour commute from the kids’ school, and he is required to be in the office four days a week. So it works for him to get the kids on Thursday afternoons, work from home on Friday, have them over the weekend, and then work from home on Monday again before they come back to me. We didn’t seriously consider any other custody arrangements, because this one was such a good fit.
What was it like not having your kids around for the first time? Did it feel hard, or maybe like a much-needed break? If it was more hard than good, what helped you feel less alone / down?