What Does It Mean to Be Kind?

It's not the same as being nice.

Ever since I wrote How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes, people have asked me: What does it mean to not be an asshole? What does it mean to be kind? Am I advocating for parents to raise kids who never say harsh things or call people out? Should the goal be for everyone to be pleasant and positive and avoid conflict?

I have reflecting on this question a lot lately — and not just because Wednesday was World Kindness Day. It’s also because, over the past week or so, I’ve noticed that people have been arguing that calling out others (such as Trump) for unkind, cruel behavior is itself unkind and cruel. They have also argued that making predictions about how people (like Trump) might behave, based on how they’ve acted in the past, is unfair and unreasonable.

As an example, some people were upset that I referred to Trump in my last newsletter as “incompetent,” saying that the use of such a label made me an othering hypocrite. I suppose I could have — and perhaps I should have! — focused on Trump’s actions and choices, rather than his character. This is something I’ll continue to reflect on. But at a certain point, after observing someone make the same kinds of choices over and over again, is it not OK to draw conclusions about how much we can trust them and how fit they are to run a country? And is it not OK to speak up about it, and encourage others to reflect on the issue, too?

At the root of these arguments is the idea that that if you’re a good and inclusive person, you should never form or voice negative opinions or predictions about others. Put another way, it’s hypocritical for people to speak ill of someone like Trump, especially if a key reason they dislike him is because of how he treats and speaks of others.

I certainly believe that it’s important, in this polarized climate, to try to stay curious, to work to understand where other people may be coming from, and to choose our words carefully. But I do not believe that kindness involves staying silent, avoiding conflict, or giving people infinite chances. That’s more like niceness. Kindness is about standing up for the values you care about even though raising your voice may cause conflict or discomfort. It involves strength and resolve and holding boundaries. Niceness, on the other hand, is about maintaining social harmony and avoiding discomfort, even if it means sacrificing a person’s — or the broader society’s — needs and values.

I think we need more kindness in the world, and less niceness.