The Reassuring Truth About Lies

Kids gonna fib. It doesn't mean they're sociopaths.

I’m giving a handful of talks this summer (if you want to hire me, please contact me!), and one issue I’m frequently asked to cover is children’s lying. I can’t say I’m surprised; I imagine every parent has had the experience of their kid lying to them and then has wondered what the hell it means and how to respond.

Well, I have some good news on this front: Lying doesn’t mean anything other than that your kid’s brain is developing normally. “The ability to lie is actually seen as a developmental milestone,” explained Annie Tao, a clinical psychologist who treats children and teens at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai in New York, when I spoke to her recently for a story I wrote for The New York Times. I covered lying extensively in my book, but I’m going to give you some basics here.

First, I mean it when I say that lying is an impressive cognitive feat. It requires a skill known as “theory of mind,” which is the ability to recognize that other people can have different beliefs or feelings from you. (One study found that after initially honest 3-year-olds were taught to improve their theory of mind skills, they immediately began lying.) Dishonesty also requires “executive function,” a complex set of skills that includes working memory, inhibitory control, and planning capabilities. Your kid has to hide the truth, plan up an alternate reality, tell you about it, and answer any follow-up questions in a way that’s consistent with his story — no small accomplishment. Lying can also be a sign that your kid is particularly empathetic.

So kids who lie are demonstrating important cognitive and emotional skills. But paradoxically, they also lie in part because they don’t have great cognitive and emotional skills. Children are reactive and impulsive — they struggle with inhibitory control, one aspect of executive function — which is why, despite your clear instructions not to, they will glue your dog’s paw to his ear to see what happens. Then, they’ll blame the glue shenanigans on their sibling to avoid getting punished. In other words, kids lie because they can’t help but defy you, and they don’t want to suffer the consequences.

There are, of course, several different types of lies, and research suggests that each kind develops differently. The first kind of lie that kids tell is the type that keeps them out of trouble, usually to cover up transgressions, such as those involving dogs and glue. Kids also lie for personal gain, like when they tell their friends they are strong enough to pick up a car or that they always get to eat cookies for dinner. These are called “instrumental” lies, and because they are slightly more sophisticated than the hiding-transgressions lies, they often appear a little later, in the preschool years.

And then there are the “white” lies, which kids tell to avoid hurting other people’s feelings. These are the lies that are often prompted by feelings of empathy. Research suggests that while self-serving lies tend to become less and less common as kids get older, white lies become more and more common with age. White lies require rather complex thinking skills, because kids have to understand another person’s state of mind and know what they need to do to shape that state of mind. They have to know that although they definitely didn’t want wool socks for Christmas, Granny’s feelings would be hurt if they actually told her that.

And of course, kids learn how to lie because parents do it all the time — often, in fact, we encourage white lies. A few years ago during holiday break, my husband and I decided to take the kids to an indoor trampoline park. But when we woke up that morning, our daughter had a fever. My husband told our son that he would still take him, but that it would be best to tell his sister they were just running errands, lest she feel sad for missing out. My son was shocked by the suggestion. “But, Daddy, that’s a lie!” he said, mortified. My husband felt sheepish afterwards, but I’m pretty sure they still told the fib (or at least, told a lie of omission). The things you’ll do to avoid a tantrum.

Still, even though lying is a sign that your kid is normal, you probably don’t want them deceiving you all the time. Here are three research-backed strategies you can use to encourage your kids to be honest when they need to be.