The One Thing I Always Say When My Kid Is Upset

And what I usually do after that.

There’s so much conflicting advice on what parents should do when their kids are upset.

Validate! (But don’t over-validate or coddle.) Stay with your kid to let them know you’re okay with their feelings! (But don’t stay if they really ask you to leave.) Talk about times when you’ve been upset too! (But don’t make your child feel responsible for your well-being.) Share your perspective and ideas! (But don’t problem-solve if they just want to be heard.)

So… what the heck are we actually supposed to do in these situations? It can all feel so difficult to navigate.

On Wednesday afternoon, my daughter came up to me and told me she was very sad, and it occurred to me that I almost always say the same thing to my kids after they express negative feelings or share that something has upset them. I thought I’d share that simple phrase here today, along with why I say it — unpacking the rationale and the science — and, typically, what I do next (and what I do my best to avoid).

There is, of course, no “one right way” to handle situations like this. And what works for one child may not work for another. But because the advice on the topic feels convoluted and contradictory, I thought a simple script could be helpful.

Here’s what I do and why.