The Fine Line Between Pushing Kids Too Much and Not Enough
How do we find the resilience-building sweet spot?
Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there — I hope you’re having a wonderful, relaxing day. My kids’ dad and I are heading to my son’s soccer championship semi-final game later today. Wish them luck!
Two quick updates for podcast listeners: I was a guest this week on the Culture Study podcast with
, talking about intensive parenting norms and youth sports. It was such a great conversation! I was also a guest on the Daily Stoic podcast with Ryan Holiday, discussing what it means to foster empathy, curiosity, and integrity in an age of moral confusion.
Whenever I do interviews relating to my new book Hello, Cruel World!, I get questions about resilience. As I explain in the book, one important way to build resilience is to let kids experience discomfort and failure. When kids face challenges, they learn coping skills and problem-solving skills. They also learn that challenges and failure are survivable and can foster learning and growth.
But we know that tough experiences can also cause trauma — and we don’t want our kids to experience that. So a question I get a lot is this: How do we find that sweet spot? How do we push our kids outside of their comfort zone in a way that builds resilience but does not result in trauma? How can we tell how much is too much?
This is such a great and important question — but unfortunately, as is often true with broad parenting questions, the answer is not simple and straightforward. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, no single recipe for resilience-building that will work exactly the same way for every kid. But there are frameworks to keep in mind that can be helpful, so today I’m going to share three principles that I keep in mind when I’m trying to decide what is appropriate for my kids. I’ll add that if your child is neurodivergent, finding this balance can be even trickier; I recommend checking out Dr. Emily W. King’s newsletter, and especially this particular workshop.
