Raising Just Kids in an Unjust World

An interview with author and educator Dr. Traci Baxley

I’m so excited today to be running a Q&A with Traci Baxley, the author of the wonderful and essential parenting book Social Justice Parenting: How to Raise Compassionate, Anti-Racist, Justice-Minded Kids In An Unjust World. Traci is a longtime educator with degrees in child development, elementary education, and curriculum and instruction. Her book, which came out in October, is beautifully written and filled with wise insights. I asked her to share a bit about some of its key themes, but I highly recommend you read the entire book.

First, can you tell us why you wrote Social Justice Parenting, and what you hope parents get out of it?

This book was a labor of love. I wrote this book for parents, specifically moms, who feel the gravity of raising children in a world that can be beautiful and joyful, but also complex and unjust. I wanted to support parents who recognize that we can no longer raise our children in silos or protective bubbles. We need to hear the experiences of others and the space for grace to raise a more compassionate and kind generation of people. I am hopeful that this book will be a companion to parenting children who want, and deserve, answers to tough questions and for parents who will model for their children how to use those answers to create a better world for all of us.

You make the point in your book that so much modern parenting is rooted in fear, and that this is not constructive for kids. Can you unpack this idea a bit and provide a few examples of how we parent out of fear?

Fear-based parenting is the need to control, direct or protect your children at any cost. I think we enter into the spaces of fear-based parenting for similar reasons. We all want to protect our children. We want to keep them safe and are sometimes not sure how to do that. Often we project our own anxiety and stressors directly onto our children. If we are showing up for them in this fear-based, over-protective model of parenting we can do long-term harm. It limits their experiences and opportunities, limits the people with who they communicate, doesn’t allow natural curiosity to flourish or makes them afraid to try new things.  And ultimately, when we parent from fear, we are often only thinking about our own children. When you are so focused on protecting your children, you can’t see the world from other perspectives. I think Social justice parenting is the antidote to fear-based parenting—being brave, showing up when it’s hard, being vulnerable—that’s what we want to model for our children.

What can we do as parents to move away from parenting out of fear?

Parenting is a journey. It’s not a linear path. Our entry points, wrapped in our lived experiences, are as diverse as each of us. There are two things that parents can start with, to move them on their journey from fear-based to social justice parenting, are setting core values for their family and creating safe spaces in their homes. It’s important that children know what’s important to you as a family, what you value. Talk about what those centering values are for your family. If your children are old enough, invite them to contribute to the discussion. Write them down, revisit them so every child knows them well and let these core values guide all the decisions you make as a parent (including the ones that scare you). These core values bring you back to what is important when fear clouds your decision-making for your children.

The second thing I would suggest parents do is to create safe spaces in their homes where kids can trust us to listen, to love and to let them be who they authentically are. Safe spaces—whether it’s a physical space or psychological safety—allow children to learn about the world, where they fit in it and how they can show up to try to change it, from a place of security and belonging. When we create safe spaces of belonging in our homes, our children grow up to create those spaces for others in our communities.

You talk about the importance of having a sense of purpose as a family — and creating a "Why statement." Can you talk a bit about what you mean, and how to do this?

A family’s “why statement” is a simple, clear, actionable, focused on how you want to show up in the world and it should align with your family’s core values. It names what you value, and guilds your parenting practices. I use it as the North Star that guides me in how I want my children to value me as a person and what I am modeling for them as they become adults. When I think about leaving a legacy for my children, my “why statement” (and the lived practices that go along with it) is the most important legacy that I can leave for them. It reminds me why I do what I do to raise children who are inclusive, compassionate and who care deeply for others.

You also introduce the idea of a "Peace table" to help kids who are fighting. Can you explain how this works?

The peace table is a representation of safe space. It’s a physical place where kids (and adults) can unpack feelings, resolve conflict, and process the emotions that are sometimes overwhelming. Children are encouraged to be open, honest and even vulnerable in this space. They are not forced to apologize or agree at the end. It’s a place to hear perspective and to constructively deal with big feelings that cause us to show up in ways that don’t align with our core values. Sitting at the peace table also allows you to practice holding space for others and holding boundaries for yourself. These are skills that all of us can use more practice with.

In your chapter on compassion, you talk about the importance of assuming good intent in others, and teaching kids to do the same. Can you talk a bit more about what you mean and how you can teach kids (and yourself!) to do this?

In society today, we seem so divided. It seems like there is a growing “us versus them” mentality. I just don’t believe that is the heart of most people. I choose to live in the space of active hope. I choose to see what is good about humanity and work from that perspective. Assuming good intent is choosing to see the good in people and choosing to believe that people aren’t hurting others on purpose. It could be fear-based behavior, or a lack of knowledge, exposure or experience. I try to lean into more compassion and I would want someone to do the same for me. Extending grace when people are in the process of unlearning and relearning how to show up and treat others. 

Tomorrow (Wednesday) at 2pm ET I’m doing a free webinar with Restfully Sleep, an organization that uses science, data and empathic coaching to demystify pediatric sleep issues. We’ll discuss parenting styles and skills that dovetail with positive, healthy sleep habits. Register here!

This week for The New York Times I’ve written about screen time and how to manage it, why so many women and people of color experience medical gaslighting, and alopecia.