Neurodivergent Kids and Homework Struggles

Helpful strategies for supporting kids with ADHD, autism, and learning differences.

Today’s newsletter is inspired by a comment from a parent in one of my weekly threads. She’s a mom of six kids, three of whom have ADHD. Here’s an excerpt from what she wrote:

I have to be so crazy on top of all their homework and it’s too much for me. I can’t babysit their homework and chores but if I don’t, they don’t get done. So most of them are behind on their homework all the time and their chores aren’t getting done so my house is always messy. I’m tired of having to pay attention to it. I’m tired of having to figure out and research all the techniques to help with ADHD executive functioning and then teach it to them over and over only to have them not USE the techniques. I’m tired of bribing and punishing and nagging just trying to get them to take responsibility. I’m tired of having to redirect when they are distracted or hyper-focused on the wrong thing. I’m tired of feeling like I’ve turned into a total scatterbrain trying to keep track of it all.

First, I cannot imagine the life of a mom with six kids. Sprinkle in ADHD and homework woes, and, well — it sounds like an enormous amount to be dealing with. To help this struggling mother — and my other subscribers with neurodivergent kids who probably sometimes find homework challenging — I reached out to Emily W. King, a child and family psychologist who specializes in supporting neurodivergent kids, and Rebecca Branstetter, a school psychologist who provides mental health and learning support to schools and families. King has just launched a Substack, Learn with Dr. Emily, has a podcast and is offering an upcoming class for teachers who want help supporting neurodivergent students. Branstetter has written several books on supporting kids with executive functioning disorders, and she has a free e-book you can download called “The ABCs of Managing Meltdowns and Shutdowns.”

Also, for the record: I think most of the strategies I discuss in this newsletter could be helpful for all kids who struggle at times with homework — not just neurodivergent kids.

The first thing King pointed out was that homework is not always developmentally appropriate, even for neurotypical children. (I wrote about some of the issues with elementary homework in this newsletter last year, and I wrote about how to fight against homework here.) “I do think there is some value in teaching children and teens how to independently complete a task,” she said. “But do we need so much of it? Do we need it to be so independent so early?”

The pandemic has made homework woes worse, too, because many kids haven’t had the chance to develop key skills. “I've heard this from middle and high school teachers — that [students’] work habits are behind,” King said. “It's just the reality and we need to give them support.”

The challenges of homework are, of course, much more acute for neurodivergent kids. Often, students will have Individualized Education Programs (IEPs) that provide modifications and accommodations in the classroom, but then “they get the same homework as everybody else,” King explained — and they’re expected to do it without a teacher present, at a time of day when they are often exhausted.

Homework also requires executive functioning skills, which many neurodivergent (and neurotypical!) kids lack. Branstetter described executive functioning as “being the boss of your brain.” Consider that to complete a math assignment, kids need not only the right math skills, but also the ability to focus, plan their thoughts, and remember instructions. They also need the emotional regulation skills to manage frustration and the confidence and resilience to know that they can get through the assignment.

Put another way, “knowing how to do it and being able to do it — those are two different things,” King said. “Not being good at your homework often has little to do with how intelligent you are.”

If your kids are struggling with homework, they’re certainly not alone. But what’s the best way to support them? There are many strategies you can use — I’ve shared a bunch here from King and Branstetter — and their relevance will depend on your child’s unique situation. I hope that among these, you’ll find at least a handful that will make your — and your children’s — afternoons easier.

Be a detective.

If your child struggles with homework, there could be many, many reasons. To understand how best to help them, it will be useful to identify their specific barriers to success. Is it that they are too tired to do their homework when they are expected to do it? They aren’t working in a quiet environment? They didn’t actually write down what the assignment is? They don’t understand it? They have trouble focusing long enough to finish it? They forget to bring home the necessary materials?

“There are so many points along the timeline where it can go wrong,” King said. Ideally, you want to drill down into the specifics of what’s causing their problems, so you can brainstorm solutions that will help them succeed. You can do this by asking questions — the less judgmental your tone, the better! — but another clever approach is outlined in the next strategy.

Figure out what’s going on in the classes where your child is successful.

One way to uncover your child’s barriers to success, King said, is to study what is happening in the classes where your child is doing well with homework. If they do great with their math assignments, why might that be? Is the teacher writing down the assignment on the chalkboard, which makes it easier for your child to copy down and understand the instructions? Are the students asked to submit assignments online at home, so your kid can’t forget to turn it in the next day at school? What can you learn from what’s happening in the "good” classes that you could then request from your child’s other teachers?

If your kid acts out or gets upset while doing homework, first offer empathy and validation.

It can be immensely frustrating when your child melts down when it’s time to do homework. But remember that “behavior is communication,” Branstetter said. They are “communicating in the way they know how that they need support — that a need is not being met.”

Try to put yourself in their shoes. The last time you were really stressed, the last thing you needed was someone yelling at you or punishing you for feeling that way, Branstetter said. So in these moments, instead of getting upset, acknowledge your child’s feelings. You might say, This is challenging. I'm with you. And we're going to work through it together.

Instead of nagging your child when they lose focus, get curious.

What if your kid is supposedly doing their homework, and then you look over and see they’re drawing pictures instead? Instead of barking orders, pause and point out what you’re noticing. “Walk in with, ‘I noticed that your spelling is out, and you're coloring a picture of a Pokémon,’” Branstetter suggested.

At that point, your child might say they’re bored, the homework is too hard, or they hate it. Then, based on what they say, you can move onto the next strategy.

Ask for their permission to try something new.

None of us likes being told what to do, and God knows that’s especially true for kids. If your child is struggling to get their homework done, try asking for their permission to try a new approach. You might say something like, Would you be willing to try something different with me? Asking for permission is respectful and gives a child a sense of agency, which can make them more open to your ideas.

What might your strategy be? It depends on what you think your child might respond to and what the source of the problem is. If your kid says they find their homework boring, and they can’t focus, you could try setting a timer and challenging your child to finish the work in five minutes. “A lot of kids with ADHD respond to gamifying,” Branstetter said. Or maybe they say they’re too tired to focus, and the strategy you suggest is to schedule a break and start homework a bit later.

Make a plan, test it out, and then evaluate it together.

If you or your child has a strategy to try, consider using what Branstetter calls the “Plan, Do, Evaluate” approach. Let’s say your child suggests waiting until 9pm to start their homework because they’re tired right after school. You can let them try that, as long as you evaluate the strategy afterwards. If it didn’t go so well, you could say something like, We waited until 9pm to do homework, but then you were stressed. Can we think of something else? Let's experiment with it. Let's play with maybe starting after dinner tomorrow. Then, you evaluate how that goes.

Maybe your child doesn’t want to study for the spelling test, and you suggest a specific learning approach, like Let’s spend five minutes using your spelling flashcards. Then, you see how they do on their spelling test the next day and evaluate whether the strategy worked. “If they go back to school and they fail their spelling test, it's just data,” Branstetter explained. You could say, Okay, so looking at it for five minutes wasn't quite enough. Next time we have a spelling test, what can we do? This is a non-judgmental approach for helping kids discover what works best for them and their brain.

Help your child anticipate how good it will feel to be finished.

Kids with executive functioning deficits can have trouble anticipating future rewards, which can affect their motivation. “The reason we push through doing something as adults is because we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and we have that future sketch of ‘Oh, when I'm done, I can relax.’ Kids need help building that future thinking,” Branstetter said — and that’s especially true of neurodivergent kids. It can help to remind them how happy they’ll feel when their homework is done, and that they’ll feel that relief sooner if they focus on the task at hand.

If your kid has trouble focusing at home, see if they can do their homework at school.

Some neurodivergent kids find it difficult to do school work once they are home — the environmental transition gets them too far out of the school mindset. With these kids, it may help to have them stay at school late and finish their work there, King said. (In my kids’ school, students are able to stay at school an extra hour for homework help.)

If your kid struggles with online assignments, have them do them on paper first.

King pointed out that many neurodivergent kids do not do well with online work. “They get on their Chromebook and they are, like, all over the internet,” she said. She suggested that these kids do their work on paper and then upload it to Google Classroom once they’re done, if possible.

On the flip side, if your kid successfully does their paper homework but often fails to turn it in, ask if they can submit it online.

King said that many kids with ADHD do their homework but then forget to turn it in the next day. “It's super common for especially bright students with ADHD to have really high test scores and really low homework grades because they have a bunch of zeros. And then we find out later that all their homework is in their backpack,” she said. In these situations, it may help to ask the teacher if there is a way for them to submit the assignments online, so that they don’t have to keep track of the papers and remember to turn them in the next day.

Consider a tutor or educational therapist.

If you’re really struggling with your child’s homework, finding a tutor who will work one-on-one with your child may be worthwhile, King said.

A tutor doesn’t have to break the bank. As mentioned above, some schools offer free teacher-mediated extra help after school hours. If that’s not available, ask your child’s teacher for suggestions, or reach out to local community centers, hospitals or libraries. Educational therapists are another option: They often work with neurodivergent kids, and you can search for them here or here. There are also Children’s Dyslexia Centers in 13 states that provide free tutoring for kids with dyslexia.

If you’ve read this far, you have probably gleaned that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach for supporting kids who have trouble with homework — it really depends on them and their struggles. Once you have some ideas on what to work on, approach your child with empathy and respect, and consider your role to be less of a boss or adversary and more of an ally and fellow problem-solver. It’s about “being a thought partner and collaborating with your kid,” Branstetter said.

Related posts:

• Is Homework Helpful or Harmful?

• How to Push Back Against Homework

• How to Talk to Kids About Disabilities

• Why Kids Don’t Follow Directions

Last week for The New York Times’ Well newsletter, I wrote about bad breath — what causes it, and what you can do to address it. Not that I ever have it, and neither do you. Read it here.

I’m excited to be traveling to Wellesley, MA tomorrow (Wednesday) to speak to the Wellesley Mothers’ Forum! The 7:30pm talk is sold out, but you can add yourself to the wait list here.