My Twelve Days of (Kid-Free) Christmas
I didn't have custody over the holidays. Here's what it was like.
Since separating from my husband in the summer of 2024, I’ve been collecting all sorts of new experiences. Shoveling walkways and fixing appliances by myself. Vacationing with kids but no partner. Long weekends alone in my home.
It’s been a ride, but the weirdest stretch by far was one that just ended: I didn’t have custody of my kids for twelve days over the holidays.
It was a mixed bag: Some parts were wonderful; some were a little lonely. I felt off-kilter with my mom friends, like I was living in an opposite parallel universe. On January 4th, when all my friends were celebrating being alone in their homes because school had finally started again, I was celebrating getting my kids back and no longer being home alone.
That’s one of the strangest things about separation and divorce: You find yourself not as aligned with people you were always aligned with. You now have different schedules and experiences, different celebrations and complaints. It’s not bad, necessarily, but it does take some adjustment. It’s also why I’m grateful to have other divorced friends who understand these shifts and strange new experiences.
To be fair, I did get to see my kids on Christmas. My ex hosted at his apartment, and it was truly a lovely day. We had a delicious breakfast, opened gifts, went on a walk, and ate homemade fried chicken (which I did not have a hand in — I sat on the couch with the kids watching Spirited while my ex toiled away in the kitchen). I’m so grateful that my ex and I have a relationship in which we can spend the day together with the kids and get along fine. I know many divorced parents do not have that, and I don’t take it lightly.
Out of my whole extended stretch, Christmas Eve, I would say, was the oddest night, and New Year’s Eve was a close second. Again: They weren’t bad! I wasn’t crying by myself at my kitchen table. A close friend invited me to join her family for Christmas Eve dinner, but I kind of wanted to try out being alone. I ordered myself Indian food, wrapped presents and watched a holiday movie. I know for many of you this probably sounds like an ideal night before Christmas – no kid chaos! And indeed, it was nice. It just felt weird, because, well, I haven’t spent a Christmas eve alone in …. well, I think ever. There’s a part of my brain that was like “this isn’t right,” even though objectively, my evening was full of nice things, cozy and quiet.
After Christmas, I knew I’d want a change of scenery, so I used my trusted home swap site, HomeExchange (comment or DM me if you want a referral code!), to “rent” a place in Brooklyn while I rented my place out to a family from Miami. I lived in NYC for seven years, so it’s always so fun to go back. I went to see Chess on Broadway (with Lea Michele!) with my best friend, ate my favorite cabbage caesar salad, went to MOMA. On New Year’s Eve, I took myself out to dinner and strolled across Manhattan, realizing at 10pm that I was more than ready to head back to my apartment and relax. It felt anticlimactic — shouldn’t I do something fun if I’m in NYC for New Year’s Eve?! — but it was amazing to be able to make an impromptu decision without having to weigh anybody else’s feelings.
That was the best thing about this custody break: I could make my own plans, my own decisions, without thinking of anyone but myself. As a mom, when do we ever get to do this? We are always weighing, always considering, always adjusting. Nothing is ever certain, and nothing is ever truly ours. It’s beautiful to be a part of something bigger than ourselves, but if we are always making sacrifices, never able to center ourselves, then eventually, it starts to crush the soul. These twelve days helped to breathe air into a small part of me that had started suffocating.
So, yes: I definitely survived twelve days without my kids. That the last few days, though, I was more than ready for them to come back. When the school bus stopped at the end of my driveway on Monday afternoon, I watched my 11-year-old sprint the entire way to the house. She blew open the front door, screamed “MOM!” and grabbed me in a giant hug.
I was grateful for this custody break and truly missed my kids — one of the many ambivalences we learn to sit with as parents. There were times when it felt strange and sad to not have a family around during this most family-centric of seasons, but I also deeply appreciated the opportunity for reflection and self-discovery — and being in charge of only myself at a time of year that is usually overflowing with strong wills and chaos. I didn’t love every moment, but I learned that I can be alone without being lost.
It feels good to read other divorced mum experiences over the holidays as it does feel strange at first. During the 2 week break, my ex and I switch the Christmas week each year and I've had 3 Christmases under my belt now.
This most recent one was a bit nicer because I planned more. There is a Caritas x-mas dinner on the 24th and I volunteered with my friend who is also a divorced mum. I had a x-mas dinner invitation and made a Basque cheesecake to bring. There were a couple days of late mornings and Netflix. Then I had a week of skiing with my kids. It was the best Christmas break to date but it took a few experiences before finding a good balance.
Enjoyed reading this. Glad you enjoyed the holidays, and happy new year!