Are They Spoiled, Or Something Else?
Four reasons your kids act like brats when (maybe) they're actually sweet sweet angels.
Every so often, friends reach out to me in a panic, lamenting that their kids have turned into terrible, horrible brats. And yes, there are a lot of spoiled brats in the world. We all know a few.
But often, what presents as entitlement in kids is actually, deep down, a reflection of something else (typically, something far more innocuous). I think it’s important to shed light on this fact, because most people equate spoiledness with bad parenting — and if it’s not spoiledness, well, then we don’t need to be beating ourselves up for our kids’ seemingly entitled shenanigans, and we don’t need to be punishing our kids for them, either.
Here are four reasons your kid might seem spoiled but actually be delightfully wonderful, along with suggestions for how to address the root causes of their unsavory behavior. (Next Friday, I’m going to share additional science-backed tips for fostering gratitude in kids.)
You’ve set a precedent.
Often I hear friends say things like, “Whenever we go to the zoo, Charlie expects us to buy him a toy at the gift shop. He’s so spoiled!” Often, I reply to them with a variation on this question: “Well, has past experience taught him that he usually gets a toy at the zoo gift shop?”
Kids learn how the world works based on what they have experienced in the past. If you have set a precedent that your kid almost always gets a toy at the gift shop (even if those toys were only purchased after many, many pleas), then no wonder your kid expects one every time you go to the zoo. It’s a simple Pavlovian reaction — a visit to the zoo results in a toy.
This issue can rear its head in so many situations.