Is It Bullying Or Just Kids Being Kids?
When to step in, and when to bow out. Plus: Are fancy preschools better?
TGIF everyone! Today I’m answering two reader questions — one about preschools, and one about handling bullying and peer conflict.
If you have a question for me, please submit it here:
I’m also hosting a one-hour live Ask-Me-Anything thread for paid subscribers from 8pm to 9pm ET on September 6th. You don’t need to sign up in advance, but mark your calendars! I’m going to start doing these live threads regularly (and I’ll mix vary the times to accommodate parents with different schedules).
Does My Kid Need Fancy Preschool?
Q: We have the option of sending our 2-year-old son next year to a snooty pre-school (think baby ivy leagues with a 50% acceptance rate) or an openly available pre-school. The snooty pre-school is beautifully intentional about everything from a focus on play-based social development to encouraging risk taking to socially engineering a well balanced class. I am embarrassed to say that it feels aligned with my overly researched intentional prelude to parenthood. The openly available pre-school is not so intentional but benefits organically from a higher kid to adult ratio. It feels like the school system I was raised in as kids of working class parents. Both options are great. I know I am lucky to have options. And...this feels like a good access point to evaluate my values. The question: Do I want my kids to have a curated pre-school experience with a lot of attention and help as they explore social dynamics or do I trust them to learn social dynamics organically with other kids?
This is a great, but complicated, question because there are many questions inside it. What makes a preschool “good”? How much of a difference does it make to send your kid to a top-of-the-line preschool versus an average one? Are there downsides to enrolling your kid in a snooty school?
One relevant factor is whether the regular preschool, like the fancy preschool, emphasizes play-based learning. One thing we know from the research on preschool is that academic rote instruction is not particularly helpful for preschoolers, and that what’s called “guided play” — when adults scaffold play to highlight a learning goal while ensuring that children have autonomy, or when adults observe kids in play and make comments or ask questions that help to encourage learning — is much more effective. We want more of the latter for our kids, and less of the former. (For a deeper dive on what makes preschools “good” that discusses the science, read this newsletter of mine or this article I wrote for Scientific American Mind magazine.)
Assuming the regular preschool also emphasizes play-based learning, then I doubt the snooty preschool would offer many — if any — academic advantages. It’ll certainly be more performative, have nicer supplies and may have better parent-teacher communication, but your kid is likely going to be just fine, academically, either way.
In fact, research suggests that for most middle-class and upper-middle-class families, preschool really doesn’t matter. (I know, I know; this is hard to believe given how much parents agonize over preschool decisions. I did it too!) As I explained in an article I wrote for Slate, kids in higher socioeconomic brackets who never go to preschool do just as well as those who do — so which school you choose (out of two good options!) is likely not, over the long term, going to affect your kid at all. The kids who do benefit from preschool are those from disadvantaged families. This could be because preschool acts as a kind of “equalizer,” ensuring that for at least a few hours a day, kids get the same high-quality interaction with adults as more privileged children do, which helps to even the developmental playing field.
Socially, however, I think there are relevant factors to consider here. Is the regular school more racially, ethnically, religiously, or socioeconomically diverse? I’m guessing it could be if its hours are longer and the price per hour is lower. We know kids (and adults) benefit in myriad ways when they befriend others from different ethnic and socioeconomic backgrounds. (That said, if you’re one of the more privileged families, be careful not to swoop in and act like a savior, à la Nice White Parents.) At the regular preschool, maybe your kid won’t be around as many entitled snooty kids who could rub off on him, too.
As you said, there could be benefits to the higher student-to-teacher ratio, too. It could mean the teachers aren’t always hovering and the students have more autonomy. (Some research suggests that small student-to-teacher ratios aren’t always beneficial.)
Another thing I’ve noticed about schools that cater to privileged families is that they often ask more of parents. They ask parents to get involved in school projects, invite parents to watch their kids perform things at school at 10am on a Tuesday (and if you don’t go, you’re probably the only one who doesn’t, and your kid may resent you forever), and they often have longer vacation breaks. The general rule of thumb I’ve deduced is that the more money you spend on a school, the less time your kid will actually spend in it.
Finally, yes: It’s important to consider your values here. It seems as though your gut may be pulling you more towards the regular preschool — you should listen to that and reflect on it. Consider the big picture. And remember that whatever you do, your kiddo is going to be just fine.
Help! My Kid Has a Mean Classmate.
Q: I'm wondering what suggestions you'd have for a parent of a kid that is reporting ongoing interpersonal challenges/bullying with a classmate. My daughter is 9 years old (3rd grade) and has come home several times in the last couple weeks extremely upset about interactions with a peer in her table group. There are various extenuating circumstances unique to the situation I'd be happy to share, but I think what I most want is kind of a general framework to help me think through when it is appropriate for me try and step in (either through reaching out to teachers or school admin) and how to support my daughter as she navigates this. I don't want to make the situation worse by stepping in and also, it is hard to witness my kid struggle with this.
This sounds really hard, and I’m sorry your daughter is going through this. As an aside, I’ve heard from school counselors that socially, third grade is a uniquely difficult time for many kids — I’m going to explore this idea in a future newsletter. (Also, if you agree and have a third grade story to share, even if anonymously, please reach out!)
In this case, it would be helpful to first figure out whether what’s happening with your kid is bullying or not. (Not that the conflict is not a big deal if it’s not bullying — but it may well change how you handle it.)