A few days ago, a close friend texted to ask me for advice on how to talk to her elementary-aged daughter about Roe v. Wade. I hadn’t yet had a conversation with my kids about the issue — or about abortion more generally — so I didn’t know what to suggest. If I’m honest, the topic felt…. terrifying? I talk to my kids about lots of things, but abortion seems like an especially tough topic to broach and help children make sense of.
But when she texted me, I got to thinking. Those of you who’ve read my book How To Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes know that one point I make over and over again in the book is that it’s crucial to talk with children about the things that you think you should avoid discussing with your children. Lean into the gnarly, awkward, complex conversations. If you avoid talking about them, you’re not protecting your kids from those issues — you’re just ensuring that the information they get comes from someone other than you. And that information is likely to be incomplete, inaccurate, or out of line with your values.
So I wondered if there might be age-appropriate ways to talk about abortion, and Roe v. Wade, with my kids — and if there were good reasons to do it. First, I called up Erin Pahlke, a psychologist at Whitman College who studies children’s social development, including how children form ideas about gender, race and other important social issues. (She publishes regularly with Rebecca Bigler, a researcher who features prominently in my book.) I also called Rebecca Schrag Hershberg, a clinical child psychologist based in New York, whom I regularly feature here because I love her smart, science-based perspective.
Their answer to my question was clear: Yes, parents can and often should talk about these issues with kids over the age of five — although how you frame it, and how much detail you provide, depends on you, your child and your values. (And, of course, you know your child best: If you think this is an issue that would make your child anxious, and you’re pretty sure they haven’t already heard about it, you can of course wait to have a conversation until a more appropriate time.)
“Starting in kindergarten, kids are paying attention to what's happening in the world around them and issues related to politics,” Pahlke told me. “So I don't think it's realistic to think that you can just hide your kid away from being exposed to this sort of information.” Pahlke’s research has found that kids as young as five usually know about current events, but “they often get a fair amount of the information wrong,” she said. This is why it’s crucial for us to offer our own perspective and help to check their facts.
Plus, Pahlke said, talking about cultural issues help kids recognize that they have agency in shaping how things play out in the world. “Kids are paying attention to issues and politics. And if we want to raise engaged political citizens, then we have to give them an opportunity to develop that,” she said. We as parents have to be “willing to talk to them about the system, and then give them examples and ways in which people can get involved.”
But how exactly should we introduce and frame this issue? Obviously, your approach will depend on how you feel about it. I am firmly pro-choice, both because of my values and principles and because this stance is backed by research in public health and economics. So I’m going to share tips on how a pro-choice parent might talk about abortion with kids in an age-appropriate way.
1. Start with open-ended questions.
The first thing I do when I start a conversation with my kids about current events is to ask them what, if anything, they’ve already heard. You could say, Have you heard anything about abortion before? Have you heard people talking about something called Roe v. Wade? Based on how your kids reply, you can figure out where to start the conversation. In my case, when I brought up the topic with each child last night, I was surprised to learn that neither of my kids had ever heard of abortion, which was good in some ways (they hadn’t yet heard inaccurate information about it) but also pretty daunting (I was going to need to start from scratch).
2. Frame the issue as being rooted in body autonomy and sexism.
Of course, there are many ways to have this conversation. I’m going to share one possible option, based on what my sources recommended and what ended up working well for me.
Something I talk about a lot with my kids is consent — that their body is their own, and that nobody should do things to their body that they don’t want. (I highly recommend the book and video Consent (For Kids!) by Rachel Brian.) It can work to introduce reproductive rights as fitting into this framework, too, Hershberg suggested. You could say something like, There’s a big debate now about who has the right to make health decisions for other people — and especially, who has the right to make certain health decisions for women and people with uteruses.
You can weave sexism into this conversation, too. I talk to my kids regularly about sexism and the various ways it manifests in our society, not just because I think it’s important, but because I also know that without an understanding of it, kids can come to prejudiced conclusions. Children easily see the gender hierarchy in our society, and they try to make sense of it. Why do men have so much more power than women do, they ask? If they don’t know the role that sexism plays in creating and maintaining this power differential, kids may assume that boys and men are simply smarter and more powerful. (For lots more on the science behind this, read chapter 5 of my book.)
To frame the issue in terms of sexism, here’s something you could say, Hershberg suggested: You know how people, especially some men, have worked to restrict what women can do? Well, this also happens with women’s bodies. Some people think that they should be allowed to decide what women do with their bodies, but I don’t think that’s okay.
You could then continue with something like this: One decision that affects people’s bodies — and the rest of their lives — is the decision to have a baby or not. Sometimes, a woman might get pregnant but realize she doesn’t actually want a baby, isn’t ready for one, or can’t possibly take care of one. Or, having a baby might put her in danger. I think that a woman should be allowed to decide whether or not she wants to stay pregnant, and that she should be able to get help from a medical professional if she wants to end her pregnancy. If she does, that’s called abortion. I support a woman’s right to have an abortion, because it’s her body and she should be able to decide what happens to it and whether or not she has a baby. But some people say that if a woman gets pregnant, she should stay pregnant and have the baby, no matter how she feels or what situation she’s in.
When kids learn about abortion, they will probably have questions. One thing they might ask is why you decided to give birth to them, and what would have made you decide to have an abortion instead. This is a hard thing to discuss with a child. Hershberg suggested you could say something like this if you’re a mom (and you can tweak it slightly if you’re a dad): Being ready to have a baby means so many things. You have to have time, money, food, and support, as well as a body that can support building a baby. With you, I was ready and able to have a baby, but only I could decide that. And I think if I hadn’t been, then I wouldn't have decided to have a baby. If I wasn't ready or able to be a parent and to give you all the love and support that I know I can give you now, then it wouldn't have been the right time for me to become a mom, and it wouldn't have been the right time for you to become a baby.
3. Include as many or as few details as you want.
There are lots more details you can provide (or not), depending on how you feel, how old your child is and their interest and maturity level. With my 11-year-old, after introducing the topic, I explained the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision and told him that the Supreme Court is now considering a decision that could overturn it. I also told him that a draft decision was just leaked that suggests that they are indeed going to overturn Roe v. Wade and outlaw abortion. “It's an opportunity to teach kids about issues regarding the Supreme Court and the way the the system works,” Pahlke said, and I couldn’t agree more.
I also explained to my son that outlawing abortion doesn’t actually stop abortions from happening, but simply ensures that it will be harder for women to have access to safe abortions. I talked about the difficulties many women face in accessing effective birth control and good reproductive care and why that’s relevant. Hershberg said it can also be helpful to normalize abortion by sharing other people’s abortion stories, including your own, if you’ve had one.
With my 7-year-old, I stayed pretty broad, explaining that some people are trying — and have been, for a long time — to make abortion illegal again, and that this could happen sometime soon. And I said that we might want to think about how we could fight against it.
You can, if you want, give an overview and then revisit the issue when your child seems ready for more details, Hershberg added. “It's okay to say, ‘this is a really complicated issue. And as you get older, we can talk more about it,’” she said.
What if your child has heard inaccurate things from friends or family members? If you’re not sure what to say, you can indicate your take without getting into all the nitty-gritty right then and there. “I would say something like, ‘I disagree with that opinion very much. And as you get older, we can talk about all the reasons why,’” Hershberg said.
When I discussed abortion with my kids last night, I was surprised at how quickly they grasped the issue and the stakes involved. My 7-year-old’s response was sadness and anger: She asked if she could make signs and protest with me in support of abortion rights. My son’s reaction was more measured, but very 11-year-old. “It’s dumb,” he said of the push to overturn Roe. “It’s really dumb.”
If you missed last week’s New York Times Well newsletter, I discussed the science of cleaning and disinfecting. And learned that I’m doing it all wrong (you probably are too). Read it here.
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My husband won a Pulitzer yesterday! It was totally unexpected and wonderful. The entire small team at his magazine, Quanta, was awarded the prize for an extraordinary piece written by Natalie Wolchover about the James Webb telescope. My husband was her editor. Read the piece here.
This is great! My 6yo asked me last week why I kept looking at my phone and seeming upset, so we got real into it on this topic. They agreed they if I got pregnant now, I should get an abortion, cause they don't want more siblings :) one thing that came up in discussing how different states have had different laws and it will even be more like that now, is that my son said oh so it'll be fine here? (In california). Then we got to talk about how Injustice anywhere is Injustice everywhere and that was rad.
Thanks for writing this - it’s very helpful, especially for my 10-year-old. And congrats to your husband on the Pulitzer!