How To Talk to Kids About Abortion
Yes, you can. And maybe you should.
A few days ago, a close friend texted to ask me for advice on how to talk to her elementary-aged daughter about Roe v. Wade. I hadn’t yet had a conversation with my kids about the issue — or about abortion more generally — so I didn’t know what to suggest. If I’m honest, the topic felt…. terrifying? I talk to my kids about lots of things, but abortion seems like an especially tough topic to broach and help children make sense of.
But when she texted me, I got to thinking. Those of you who’ve read my book How To Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes know that one point I make over and over again in the book is that it’s crucial to talk with children about the things that you think you should avoid discussing with your children. Lean into the gnarly, awkward, complex conversations. If you avoid talking about them, you’re not protecting your kids from those issues — you’re just ensuring that the information they get comes from someone other than you. And that information is likely to be incomplete, inaccurate, or out of line with your values.
So I wondered if there might be age-appropriate ways to talk about abortion, and Roe v. Wade, with my kids — and if there were good reasons to do it. First, I called up Erin Pahlke, a psychologist at Whitman College who studies children’s social development, including how children form ideas about gender, race and other important social issues. (She publishes regularly with Rebecca Bigler, a researcher who features prominently in my book.) I also called Rebecca Schrag Hershberg, a clinical child psychologist based in New York, whom I regularly feature here because I love her smart, science-based perspective.
Their answer to my question was clear: Yes, parents can and often should talk about these issues with kids over the age of five — although how you frame it, and how much detail you provide, depends on you, your child and your values. (And, of course, you know your child best: If you think this is an issue that would make your child anxious, and you’re pretty sure they haven’t already heard about it, you can of course wait to have a conversation until a more appropriate time.)
“Starting in kindergarten, kids are paying attention to what's happening in the world around them and issues related to politics,” Pahlke told me. “So I don't think it's realistic to think that you can just hide your kid away from being exposed to this sort of information.” Pahlke’s research has found that kids as young as five usually know about current events, but “they often get a fair amount of the information wrong,” she said. This is why it’s crucial for us to offer our own perspective and help to check their facts.
Plus, Pahlke said, talking about cultural issues help kids recognize that they have agency in shaping how things play out in the world. “Kids are paying attention to issues and politics. And if we want to raise engaged political citizens, then we have to give them an opportunity to develop that,” she said. We as parents have to be “willing to talk to them about the system, and then give them examples and ways in which people can get involved.”
But how exactly should we introduce and frame this issue? Obviously, your approach will depend on how you feel about it. I am firmly pro-choice, both because of my values and principles and because this stance is backed by research in public health and economics. So I’m going to share tips on how a pro-choice parent might talk about abortion with kids in an age-appropriate way.