How to Survive Halloween
How to Survive Halloween
There will be meltdowns.
Happy Halloween, folks — a.k.a. The Day Your Kids Have Been Angsting Over For At Least A Month, So Good Luck!
I have a love / hate relationship with Halloween. I adore spooky things; I judged our local middle school’s Spooky Stories contest this year, which was so fun. I watch the original 1978 Halloween by myself every year, and on Sunday we watched Ghostbusters as a family, which gave me joy. (You know what didn’t give me joy though? Explaining to my 9-year-old the Dan Ackroyd dream sequence where the ghost gives him a blowjob.)
But my god, my kids have so many feelings on and around Halloween, and it’s HARD. (Not to mention that the world is a literal dumpster fire right now, which makes everything harder.) They have to pick exactly the right costume. They have to carve exactly the right jack o’lantern. (My 12-year-old was upset yesterday when he saw that my husband had carved the eyes precisely how my son had described them, but which was somehow the opposite of what my 12-year-old actually wanted.) They have to arrive at the designated trick-or-treating spot at exactly the right time. They have to find exactly the right friends to walk around with.
Then you toss in huge amounts of skittles and a late bedtime, and tonight we will all hit the parenting trifecta. Suddenly, our kids won’t just be dressed up as monsters anymore. Monsters and our kids will be one and the same.
But as I’ve learned over the decade I’ve spent enduring Halloween as a parent, there are things we can do to make the day go more smoothly. Here are my 5 key tips to help you get through the day without losing your mind. Nope, let me try that again. Here are my 5 key tips to help you get through the day that may reduce but will not in any way eliminate the chance that you’ll lose your mind. (And if your kids are easy on Halloween, please share in the comments how you have unlocked that parallel universe so we can join it immediately. I will bring margaritas!)
Make a plan and make sure your partner, or other adults involved, are on board.
Halloween is one of those days where regular routines go out the window. Plus, it’s full of weird and difficult decisions: What time will trick-or-treating start? Will your kids be allowed to run off with their friends, or will they need to stay with you? When will you head home? Will you surreptitiously steal all of your kids’ Reese’s Pieces or do it proudly right in front of them?
If possible, sit down and talk with your partner about all of these things in advance, because the last thing you want is a 10pm stand-off on Halloween night between you, your partner and your kid about whether or not it’s time to go home. The more consistency you can provide your child, and the fewer arguments you have with your partner, the easier your day will be. (Easier. I did not say easy.)
Talk through the day in advance.
Communicate your plan to your kids in as much detail as possible, because you can temper potential disappointment by setting appropriate expectations. Talking through your Halloween plan will also help ease any anxiety your kids have about the evening and what it might entail.
Of course, you probably won’t know exactly what’s going to happen, but you can at least provide a general idea. Like: After school, you’ll come home and do your homework. Then we’ll have an early dinner - I’ll make mac ‘n cheese . Then we’ll change into our costumes, and at about 5:30 we’ll start trick-or-treating, and we’ll do that for three hours before it’s time to come home at 8:30.
Give your kids time for questions, because I promise, they will have them. And if you don’t know certain things, that’s fine — be honest, but try to give them some relevant information. Like: That’s a great question. I’m not sure exactly how many houses we will get to go to. It depends on how long each house takes. But I can tell you that we’ll be heading home by 8:30, which is when you usually go to bed.
Let them eat candy.
The best decision I ever made about Halloween was to stop giving any f*cks about how much candy my kids ate. There is literally nothing good that comes from trying to police how much sugar kids put into their mouths on Halloween night. I mean yes, trying to enforce limits might temper their consumption a tad, but you’ll pay for it in so many other ways. And if your kid is otherwise healthy, it really doesn’t matter if they eat 45 Snickers bars over the course of three hours. I promise; they’ll be okay. Also please don’t worry that their candy might be hiding small razor blades / laced with fentanyl / contain small bombs. That’s nothing more than folklore.
Paradoxically, letting your kids gorge themselves on Halloween could make them less candy-obsessed down the line. We know from research that kids crave foods they aren’t allowed to have and tend to eat more of that food when they finally get their hands on it. If you need more convincing, here’s a piece by my brilliant friend
that you should read. So yes. Let them eat candy. It’ll be fine. Until it isn’t, and they vomit in your car.
Count down before bedtime & devise a special secret exit plan.
When the night is coming to a close, give your kids ample warning. Counting by houses can be easier than by minutes, since the concept of time is tough for kids. (I mean, what is time for any of us these days?) You could say, Okay, it’s almost time to go home — let’s go to 3 more houses! And then slowly count down aloud so your kids aren’t surprised when it’s time to go.
That said, surprises can sometimes be helpful. I’ve found that having something special up my sleeve to offer my kids once they’re back at home can make the dreaded transition easier. Maybe you tell your kids they can stay up a bit late to trade candy once they get home — that one has worked for us before. Kids can get VERY VERY SAD when they realize that their favorite night is coming to an end, so it can help to have one more treat to offer to lure them in the right direction.
If they still won’t go? I recommend trying child development specialist Claire Lerner’s “Two Great Choices” approach. You could say something like, Sweetie, it’s time to go home. I know you don’t want to. I totally get that. But we have to do it. So you have two great choices: You can either walk to the car with me and get in yourself so we can drive home, or I will be a helper and carry you to the car and strap you in myself.
Let the meltdowns come.
Although these strategies might reduce the number of meltdowns you endure on Halloween, I guarantee they won’t prevent them entirely. Halloween is overwhelming, and kids have meltdowns when they’re overwhelmed. End of story. So if your kid loses their shit tonight, let them — nobody is going to judge you, because we’ve all been there. Probably twice in the past hour.
This is all so helpful. The number one thing I do to make Halloween easier is embrace/plan for the fact it will derail a work day — either day of, with poorly timed school parades, or day after, when I’m just tired from being out late/off routine. Obviously it’s a huge privilege to have that kind of control over my schedule. I think the biggest stress for a lot of us is that this holiday matters so much to our kids and yet workplaces have zero understanding or allowance for it — so you’re trying to do too many things at once (like even more than we usually are). Such a joy thief!
What we have struggled with over the years is how independent we allow our kids to be on Halloween, especially because this changes every year when they’re a little older than the previous year. Now that my 12yo has a phone, I feel OK about letting him run off with friends while I run around with the 8yo, with whom I had a whole argument yesterday about whether he is allowed to run off (he’s not). But last year my older kid had a smart watch that I reminded him over and over to keep fully charged, which he did, and then (facepalm) I went and let my OWN phone run out of battery in the middle of trick or treating! I really felt like an asshole. But with all that picture-taking, my phone battery tends to run out quickly! So this year I plan to keep a closer eye on that.